When a child knows too much…

It wants to die…

When there is always war and pain and suffering.

It wants to jump down in a dark hole and die in there killed by snakes, spikes and horrible pain.

When there are only bodies walking, bodies talking, dying, abused and dying again.

What is left? – That it will not be forever and that we will make an end to it.

I have to stay here and do what I can, although I wish I would know where I could do more.

Although I wish I could do more. Why is it that there are around 80 million people in Germany? But only a few really do something about such things, while others have their parties, drugs and whatever?

Why do people in Germany care for their money, their income, their “job”?

When elsewhere people are literally fighting for their lives…

When people here kill themselves because they also know or just got forgotten.

It really is social of them, like in “good” old tradition.

When I ask something, when I write something, I want to really know, I want to understand.

When I ask a question, like where are you from, I am just curious. And when it would be that it is here, then I would be just fine. It is just that I want to know, understand because through knowing about these things I understood a lot about myself and what happens today. When I assume something, I don’t do that because I have a problem or want something in some way. I mean, there have been people killed over such things in the past, without any good reason. I mean, again, for me it is completely irrelevant whether someone is from here or there or whatever, when it comes to anything. I just wonder, want to know, maybe hope to get to know something because here everything is the same as it was for the most part.

People get born, they work, they die.

In USSR school time my mother was sometimes listening to others as well.

She noticed that for example the girls/women were talking about politics, while the boys/men thought they were probably talking about clothes. And even some people from the so called militia (police of some sort) were there, two young men. They also said some things against their own state and also understood that things were different from what they got told.

I mean people in USSR (at some points) were killed just for singing some songs. Young people were dragged away never to be seen again, while they didn’t do anything violent or whatsoever.

You know, everywhere it seems to be that women either get raped, forced or convinced of sex related things and have less to say. While then some women here and there are acting strong, but then often just in front of others or because they had to because there was no other way. And there is nothing wrong about strong women, the opposite is the case. It is a shame that most women are hold weak or made weak or told to be weak or crazy. That some women or little girls have to do things or just get abused because some men want to have FUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.:…,:.

And then some women are even proud to be used, but not really… it is just this madness they got dragged into.

The men are all just wandering around as if everything belongs to them, at least the typical men.

Find a lot of excuses for their actions and positions and so on.

While I wanted to suffocate myself, shoot myself, cut myself, jump down a bridge and drown in a river, while I was a child, a boy outside, but more a girl inside, sometimes both.

Hating myself for so many things. Hating for feeling unable to change the way of things.

Hating myself for sometimes having similar thoughts like men for acting similar.

Hating myself for knowing that there are horrible things going on, while I couldn’t change them.

Hating everything about me because the good things were unwanted and the bad things I didn’t really want, but they got me anyway.

Hating for getting addicted to porn to partially enjoy it and torture myself with it.

When I see such things as the following, I just want to fly there and kill all of these men, in case they are still alive. Or punch them so hard, that they will never even think of doing such things, maybe hitting them between the legs so many times that they won’t even be able to use that thing. I didn’t want that thing, probably that’s why mine is sometimes so small that it almost isn’t even there anymore.

And then would it change something? Maybe… maybe not.

If I could make them see what I have seen, they would kill themselves on the spot because they don’t even know a tiny bit of what I have seen or maybe those they raped.

But would it change a thing? I don’t know.

Because if they get killed or kill themselves, others will come who seek power, evil, greed and such things and make others die again.

You can only break this chain of events, if you make it visible to those who could become the next victims or perpetrator, maybe talked into it, manipulated or curled. I could obviously understand why men would go to ISIS or such groups, but even girls in some cases, even from Germany or other european countries. And I didn’t understand why they would go there, while these people do so grousome, diabolic things to others or their own people? But I really understood way more than probably anyone my age, at least where I lived.

You convince them that there is something wonderful waiting for them, then you get them there and all of a sudden everything is the opposite. And the worst part is, that the country they were coming from, probably in some way supported the fighting. And if only by sitting and watching, playing neutral or even the “helper” role. Yea… sure. And we talk about countries, not the individual. The individual gets brainwashed usually and if they couldn’t stay strong or get out there and trust themselves, they might fall for it as well.

These people with their suits and promises and jobs…

This is also what they tell people in eastern europa for example, there have been a lot of stories in which young girls were told that they could get to Germany or maybe France or whatever to study or have a good life, then they got into a sex trafficking ring or such things and ended up working for cruel heartless men, to serve other cruel or mindless men, mainly as objects. But there of course also have been exceptions, in which a few men were then actually rescueing women out of these. Either bought them out or “stole” them, to give them their life back. Since women would not have had the chance to get to such places or do much, at least usually, if they would not get in there as “product”.

And I mean a lot of movies in Germany were showing these things and talking about it, showing how absurd, crazy, horrible and mad these things are and that these women only play a role, usually because they have to. If they not started to do such things for other reasons themselves, like maybe some german, french or american women did, after they maybe got convinced of it somehow or thought it was easy money. Or I don’t know… all this brainwashing.

And I mean, it even is weird to not have had sex. At least that is what I heard a lot here and there. As if it is abnormal to not have had sex or some “experience”. I often really wasn’t sure whether some people were joking in a cynical or whatever way or serious? And I mean, okay, if some people think that is their thing and they all really feel okay with it, yea, okay I guess. But for me it was just completely messed up. Because you basically get told in school, like with twelve that you should have sex sometimes, that you should of course take care and find yourself and have fun. Maybe not exactly like that, but in some way it got along like this. They even explained that girls should take pills so they won’t get pregnant and also about special pills, in case they either forgot one time or wanted to be sure and all kinds of other ways to not get pregnant. And of course also to wear condoms for the boys… I mean, I am not sure what the teacher thought herself, since she probably had to tell these things, but I mean yea…

And I mean again, we were already confronted with sex or sex jokes in elementary school or maybe even before that, through what we heard from others or found somewhere.

When it all is said to be more or less normal, although of course little children shouldn’t know about it, but yea………. it is no wonder when then a few boys and girls tried things during a class trip in 7th grade.

It makes this whole concept of it somewhat pointless, weird and also gives room for such things like down below. Because if some child maybe didn’t want to know that or also had other ideas and thoughts, such “knowledge” can break them, like additionally in my case.

While on the other hand then other teachers tell you something about aborting pregnancy and how brutal it is and can be. And really, it is nothing you want to go through, when you know things.

I mean why even have sex, when it seems that the only purpose of it is to “have fun” for a lot of young people.

Or that they even assume it means to love someone. Like “Liebe machen” (to make love), how it is called by some. And the sad part is, that when two people really love each other and want children and also can care for them, that could be a wonderful thing. But way too often there happens a lot of weird stuff.

I mean there have been children abused in churches, not only through religous brainwashing (in some cases), but also for sex and people know that. There are so, so, sooooooooooooo many crazy things that my head exploded a few times when I was a child, a teenager and yea…. and because it was horrible.

And then you go to some work places and see such things there, even while women were working there.

And you could say, well okay, when we get born we are also naked and these are just women who like to be more open, okay. But this whole psychological relationship with this, the need for it and also what happens beyond such things, when the models aren’t old enough to decide for themselves or know what they are doing, despite the age. It also says a lot about this society…

I mean my mother saw such a calendar at her work place once, when she was new in this town.

And when she wanted to put it down, some of the women there meant that “if they need it, it is okay” (about the men) or at least something like that. And so she had to let it be there at first. But after then also there were jokes about bare asses (photos) and stuff, the others also said something about it.

And then somewhere else they placed calendars with men.

Now tell me how that helps… And also how all of that makes any sense, since these are calendar advertisements for tools which shouldn’t be used (like that).

And be it protest or just sexual need, since there is nothing else in some people’s lives, I don’t know why such things exist anyway. Like anything related to using people, abusing them and all of this.

These pictures are harmless, but that is just the tip of the iceberg.

While not “too far” from Germany or other european countries, children get abused, killed, kidnapped. Young women have sex to survive or get forced to and others burn out in stupid office jobs or whatever. And I say it because it is horrible.

Such a thing like sex should be reserved for getting children you want or having it, knowing in the knowing and hope for children.

And I know that this might seem religeous, but you might not know what I mean with it and how and why.

I mean priests and monks themselves were secretly going to brothels and alike or maybe even had sex with nuns in history and then buried the children under the churches or whatever… I mean THE HELL.

If you wouldn’t make such a thing out of it and make young people think so much about it and that it is normal and good and all, then maybe a lot of other things would also not happen.

Remember the rat who learned something and other rats then also learned it faster? According to some studies.

Well of course if you make people all wanting sex, then things happen or also some people who don’t want to break.

I mean why is there still this: “Making a man” out of someone, when they first had sex?

That doesn’t even have anything to do with being a “man”. That actually has a lot to do with being a coward, an asshole, ignorant, etc.

And often if young people might have had sex, while they maybe both wanted to try it, it ended up being weird and not how they might have imagined it. Often with broken hearts or accidents and so on.

Sometimes it seems as if the whole world is built around sex and the oppression of women or people who just want to have nothing to do with it.

Girls often get told lies about their “dream man” of whatever it is called and boys get told, that they could have fun and all is okay.

I mean, going back to islamic things. When you read the quoran, then you probably find something about enemies and loot. Which basically makes the following “legal” in the islamic state kind of perspective.

I mean, again, I have in general problems with religion because it usually was used for oppression, justification and so on. And also science or such things on the other hand. But there are also people who might have actually had some kind of cultures some time ago who were way different from that or maybe still are.

But free choice is the main thing. Free choice… but it depends on the knowledge someone has and what they feel and maybe wisdom and such things.

A lot of people find themseleves maybe decades or years later, after they had done something weird or even horrible to themselves or maybe others. While maybe at some point they were convinced it was the only way or they simply weren’t asked. Leaving them broken, empty, hopeless and often dead.

If the people who did these things to them, could see only a fraction of what I have seen.

They would know that they are dead.

But why can’t I just snip with my finger or hit my head against a wall or my fist inside a rock?

Why can’t I just do that and with it either make them all see and or fall dead on the floor? Those who had fun and knew what they were doing. And maybe get those who didn’t know away from it.

But I am just a stupid young man or whatever who has problems and wants to be a woman and actually wants to be dead or make those who suffered live and not die and give them their life and love back, so they can do the things they want to and also have these wonderful moments with nature, away from all the madness.

If I would be Zeus, I would throw lighting on all of these men.

If I would be the air, I would leave them, so they can’t breath.

If I would be the water, I would leave them in form of hot steam, so they boil and then end up dry like the sand.

But I am just me, the more or less powerless me.

Just a confused me. A lost me sometimes. I don’t want all this madness.

Why do only so few do something about it?

Because of fear. And usually women are stronger with handling fear and pain.

It seemed to be their life from a young age on, while boys might typically not understand it at all.

This is why everything was so terrifying for me and confusing and that I wanted to die.

Besides the trauma and other things I already had.

I can’t really feel good about myself, knowing what is happening.

Knowing that I don’t know whether it could really change one day for good and these wars and madness will stop.

It usually starts with a few in top positions, who are bored or complete lunatics and ends with the extinctions of all life on earth. Would there be no people who do something against it.

I should have done more, always, but this load of things made me end up doing nothing, at least nothing of the things which were really important, I guess.

Edit: Please just remove my brain. Remove me….

But not because I should be gone, but because what I can’t stand anymore.

Would I just know that these things will never be again, all this violence, hate, anger, terror and so on.

Then I can easily make myself want to stay because I never wanted to harm anyone.


*internal screaming*