Today or tomorrow, probably tomorrow but I am not sure, I will go out on my mission and see what happens.

I think I will not undress so I won’t freeze.

But I think I will place a star on my jacket and probably wear one of my shirts beneath.

I am not sure about the disarmed gun (it really is just a wooden shaft and the saw off gun barrel, which was bound towards it again, no magazine, no shooting mechanism).

Because I am aware that people could think that it is armed, since some people even shoot people who wear cameras with drones, I guess…

I wanted to lay it down on the ground in front of me as a symbol, but this would probably only cause a lot of trouble and no one would understand it.

So I will probably not do that. I also don’t want to freak out…

Therefor I will probably just take the following playlist with me and play it and see what happens, whether something happens or not.

It is weird, how playing some songs of video game let’s plays (except for a few) feels so wrong and yet so rebellious. I mean, we are talking about music, about some people crying out their heart or just try to somehow handle this broken world. Why am I so scared to play this in public, when some people play music even publicly during the night sometimes or just give a damn and play their hard bass (or whatever) around midnight.

For me, although it sounds so unrealistic and without any logical explanation, it feels as if I will die tomorrow or that I could die and if not feel a lot more of this precious pain.

I will probably have to just force myself to sit down and just sit while playing it and hope that I won’t freak out or something bad happens.

Why do I even have to write all of this…

My mother and I are also worried about some young people, maybe teenagers who sometimes seem to spend their time at one of the cemeteries she has to clean. There once even was a football there. She finds a lot of cigarettes, some empty packages of salmon in the garbage can and also half empty water bottles sometimes. My mother and another woman she met there once, were talking about that the young people have nowhere to go these days. That everything is kinda taken from them, while there are so many expectations.

I mean when I was younger, just ten years ago or something, in the town, next to one of the sports halls, were some ramps and stuff for skating and maybe BMX and such things. Now there is just a big generator, humming through the night…

So yea… a cemetery seems like one of the last places to go to or maybe the forest and such things, at night, but I know how it is and feels and they probably also have a feeling.

My mother also meant that people basically get rid of their children and youth and whether they know what they are doing to them and I of course also know that. I hope my mother will recover from this mess, since she is very strong and kind and does not deserve all of this. Neither did I and you probably also didn’t.

Why is it so damn hard to just live… I mean, it isn’t, but some people made it this way.

Building up their empires and machines or whatever happened there.

I just want this madness to stop… I know that we “small” people, down from the bottom, that we won’t want to die in this and that we would be able to help each other out and find other ways to live or let the children show us. So we can be together.

I am so terrified of scenarios in which either I would end up alone or others would have to end up this way. And while we are so many people on this earth, together with all these wonderful wild life, animals and flowers and trees and stuff… why does it still seem so unrealistic, so wrong, so impossible?

When I was little I just saw these good things and felt them and was so happy. But then it felt as if someone cut me in half and threw everything in a corner, like a piece of meat in the butchery.

Click here to download the playlist

Just if you want of course.

Good luck out there!

I think after tomorrow I might not continue this blog.

We will see what happens.

I love you! 💜

Post No.: 999