The life I wished for

But were not allowed to have, so far.

Or what I imagined and thought.

When I was little, I soon understood that not everything was good, but I haven’t seen all of the problems by then. Given that I had not many sources other than the radio, my parents and some other people in the village and some relatives or people (usually me and my mother) we visited or who visited us.

At this point, being 2-5 years old maybe, I wanted to do something with people, maybe even a few years later.

For me it was completely clear and made sense, since I knew that I just wanted to make them all happy, help them and also have fun while doing so. I thought of being a bus driver or maybe a train driver and even a truck driver, when I heard that the uncle who most loved me was also doing that.

Back then, I still thought that they usually do these things because they want to do them or can do them and such things. And that they were valueable and important. I greeted them by waving my hand and smiled to the passing busses and trucks in my village. Sometimes they saw me and maybe waved back, smiled or such things. And at one point I was even allowed to sit in a truck and drive around the block.

But when school started this attitude slowly faded after the first year or so.

I also heard that my uncle actually was sometimes not even paid and had to work overtime not only once. That his boss(es) were just using him and others and one even ran off with some money or whatever. They sometimes even called him to drive the next tour, while he didn’t even finish or just finished the previous one. Without thinking about him needed some sleep, having needs and… well a life.

And I heard that train drivers also not get much money, nor the bus driver or truck driver and anything alike. About what happened to some of them and that people often don’t even noticed them. Not even taking them for human or alive anymore. Instead of knowing the one driving, being happy to see or have them, they just say: “Number 153 is here.” or “The potatoe transport from South France arrived.” or “The ICE from Berlin to Paris is at (station) platform 4. Today with approximately 15 minutes delay.”. As if there wasn’t anyone bringing it there or the worth of these people was only according to the line, transport or speed or whatever.

In the past (in some cases) or in a world I would want to live, people would be important. Their work would be respected and it wouldn’t be something they would have to do or should or then forever. It would be something they would want to do and maybe just sometimes or for a while. Not to forget, that we found and can also find ways to make things better for everyone, without having the need to hurt others or wild life and such things.

When I go back to my childhood, I was thrilled to learn and try out things. Everything I could get was high of value for me, since I didn’t get much. So an old computer was like gold for me, eventhough a lot of people around me already had new and better ones or even smart phones and such things.

I willingly wanted to learn things, which means, that some things just fascinated me, like science, technology and also different kinds of arts and people behind these things. Since without them, these things wouldn’t be or so I thought.

At some point I realized that often there was paid more attention to the need of having such things, rather then the people nor the actual value or change or freedom of these things. Only to see people make laws to make it harder for others, while either the law makers or those who pressure / manipulate / control / blackmail / know them, want to have a priviledge. Making laws which seem necessary and good, at first, while thinking a lot of them through, they actually are bad for the little ones and can usually be used against good people, instead of support them. Since people who know someone, who know someone or just know the “right” people, will easily get out of problems anyway, as usual, while others have nothing most of the time.

So living for a child would be, to be seen as unique in a way and also important.

The problem with this is, that this can be used in so many, also negative ways, that this is not really a good solution or way to explain it. Because those who want everything for themselves, will of course say that they are unique and therefor need certain things. While others who just want to live or maybe die, since life seems not an actual option (if you understand what I mean), won’t speak up for themselves and maybe suffer in silence, while they actually need something. Only to see that if some of them worked themselves out of this trap and finally tried to speak up, they will get ignored, since only people who have no problems speak up, according to some. Wow…. What a mess of logic.

The one who want to not do something on their own, will call for help and get help, like my father.

The ones who do and did anything for others, like my mother, gets ignored or laughed about when she asks for help.

My father gets help from all kinds of people, at least he always found someone, when he needed something.

My father often was alone or even had to feel guilty, when she asked someone or tried to open up about her feelings and all.

And I? Well, my hospital story should be enough, I guess… (smiling and making no noise, while I almost died, my whole belly was inflamed and devouring itself). Seems about right…

When I would have known that I was actually wanted here and people would not have only valued me for what I did or didn’t do, I would not have got to this point in the hospital.

Which actually shows, that probably most people wouldn’t get there or die, if they would know they are needed, wanted and loved. And that they could also just sit on a bench for a few weeks, if they need to. That they could do that for years (or forever), if they would want to. And only if they would want to, they could do something else.

People usually think that most people will only work, if they get forced to it, get punished and educated to do so. Why? Well, either because this is how they work or see it or because it happened to them this way and they got convinced, that it has to be this way. Or something like this.

From my experience as a child, yes I once was little, like all of you. At least I assume that those who read this were little once, like I was.

So children like I was and a few friends or classmates here and there, they often had interest in things on their own or got ideas from others, like me for example, as well as I got some from them.

Some children liked to read a lot, learn and understand complex patterns and such things. Others wanted to find flaws in technologies or just learn about this or that. One also tried to build a motorcycle or motorized little car. With an old chain saw engine. I mean, I don’t know whether it would have worked or actually happened and sadly it was the one with whom I later had a lot of problems. Not good for both of us… But the children around me had ideas and tried things. And some even played games outside or video games and built small houses or other things out of wood together. One also repair a tractor or built something for one. Other young people “modified” their motor scooters or just removed the motor limitation. From them I learned, that often the motor in these machines was capable of much more speed and power, but was willingly limited via some screws. Since they were meant for younger people (to be less dangerous) or people who weren’t able to keep up with high speeds, it made sense. But in a way it seemed like a waste and also not made sense, since it was basically a cheap and uncool motorcycle, but was limited to be an even less cool thing. And yes, I know that high speeds can kill you and others and I personally don’t need that, although at some point I also would have liked to drive a fast bike. But refused, since I didn’t want to get into accidents and make my mother worry.

Well, the thing is, that the young people when I was little, still had a lot of ideas, will to do things and also enjoyed things when they could. We also played football on the street or on a grass field, used imagination and so on. Snow ball fights, water gun fights, sitting on a camp fire. At least when I was with the others. At home I had not many chances to do these things due to my father.

Children usually know what they want, until you break their spirit, dreams, hopes and will to live and be free.

Children usually know how life is and that they can do anything in a way, if they want to.

Children usually learn, that some things need time, might be not worth it and also can be dangerous and they don’t always have to experience or do it first hand.

Children can be manipulated, since they usually have no need to not trust you, to lie, hate or manipulate. So when they do, they usually learned it from others or their parents or out of the need to survive, like I did.

Children usually don’t need much to be happy, as long as they can find something to play with or be with someone and are loved. I was happy when my mother was happy or friends and didn’t need any presents or decoration or such things for christmas, birthday or other things. Still my mother tried to make and give these things. But I was just happy to have her home and happy, when she was.

When I really wanted something special, I knew had to do something, for example I had no one who knew programming and so I searched the internet, when I finally got some with 13-14. And soon found videos, websites and examples. Also a few people gave me a little support with some videos they found or things they knew, but it was not that much in the end, still enough to make we interested and also understand things.

No one needed to tell me to learn, I just wanted to learn this and so I learned more than some people who actually work in this area. They of course know other things and might do some things in more efficient ways, but for me it never was about this. For me it was about understanding how it works, being able to make it work in a way I wanted it and then also be able to help some people and myself with it or just play around.

It also made no sense to me to learn things from others in a way that I would copy what they do. I would just see what they do, try it until I get something to work and then do it my way. Or just do it my way.

Usually a few examples, observations and thinking and most importantly just trying things, makes you either love or hate them and then according to that learn or avoid them (maybe for some time).

And why not let something be untouched for some years, only to feel some new interest in them after this time?

In the presented life you don’t have these options, at least not usually. So you have a hard time fighting for it.

This shouldn’t be the case. Because making things work or understand them, is often hard enough. Then additionally fighting against others who just want to fool you, while having a short but (according to them or some) great and full life, is just breaking you.

Someone who actually wants to do things for others, usually burns out after a short time, dies or gets even killed. Why? Because people who don’t want that, rule the world behind curtains in the dark (usually).

If they wouldn’t be ruling anymore, we could actually just do things out of our own interest, maybe desire or needs. But we would always be wanted and loved, even if we wouldn’t do a thing (according to some). Because these people don’t understand that thinking, observing, listening and just enjoying a moment, are highly valueable things and often changed history if not the whole world. So people should actually be thankful for people who just sit around from time to time and do nothing or not much. Maybe for real or just from your perspective.

A child which doesn’t talk, doesn’t have to be stupid, it might be too intelligent and therefor not talk, since it knows and understands, that it would be pointless to say something, since no one in the room understands it.

(Basically most of my life so far, until I willingly tried to burn my mind multiple times.)

If I would have had the possibility to just live and do what I want, I would have probably helped so many people already. Made so many people happy, gave them new hope, maybe something to do, if they were searching for something or just gave them a few funny moves and words to cheer them up.

Instead I was confronted with mazes, laws, rules and a lot of pressure, pain and madness.

I still want to do these things, but after all this time, I am very broken, powerless and actually doing this to try a last time to make a change and give people a voice or just let them hear, that there is so much more and other things.

I already wrote multiple times, that this is like an interactive good bye letter. Something people write before they die, in my case.

And for me it was between an immense suicide note and a trial to make things (in some way) right (or give chances and ideas for it) before I might die because of heart attack or other body failures, since I was pretty bad to my body because of all the hate, pain and madness I went through. Not because I wanted to… because of what I saw and people did to me.

I write so many things and rethink them and also share so much I found and find and basically write down my life and those of others (sometimes) because although I now want to live again and see it possible again, I might actually die anyway, no matter what I do or want, since too much happened to me.

So I see and feel as if there is not much time left, maybe some months or a year for me. And sometimes it even feels as if it is for the whole earth. I don’t know.

But I would do million other things, if I would have been able to live how I wanted to before others made me hate myself and before I have seen that in a way most people do that or that they get hated and hurt until they die.

I don’t care about my life, as long as not every life which was lived on this earth, was taken and not allowed, was for nothing after all.

The bad shall not always win. The good is stronger.

Like in the description or explanation of atoms, when I went to school. The positive energy and the negative energy might be of the same value, but the negative energy (particles) float or orbit around the united positive core, which also sometimes had additional neutral energy. So sometimes the core was actually “heavier” and stronger than the surrounding energy, although the value was the same.

People and life is not about values, but it showed (although it might not be uptodate or correct anymore) that the good stood together and very stronger, while the negative ones might be replaced, move around or whatever.

Children shouldn’t be turned into negative particles floating around or neutral onces feeling lost, floating around like radiation. And we are not talking about positivity, society and its toxic positivity or these things. I am talking about that children don’t come evil on this earth, but they often turn towards it or just break, since everything here seems to be broken in a way. At least a lot of things.

Trees remind me, that we can live forever, if no one cuts us down and that it is natural and that they can be themselves, still be united with others and also give life and space to live for others, like birds and monkeys maybe. Think about it and then see what people call normal, nature and natural. Then you might understand the madness and problem we have. But also that we can change it.

Like Alexander the Great (when I remember correct and the story was not just a story) with the knot. Someone made a big knot / knurl out of strings or something and then asked for someone to open it.

They thought that it must be impossible for a human to open it or take a lot of strength or time or whatever they thought (and I also don’t remember what the one solving it would get, if anything). But he, according to the story, just took his sword and cut that thing in half and called it solved.

Of course you can’t solve these problems like this and swords were never real solutions, caused more than they solved, if any. But he just did it in a way not thought about or expected. And it was fast and the knot was open, in a way.

I hope you understand some of this and at least learned something and hopefully not totally freaked out.

I try to give people who often feel lost, freaking out and such things a voice and let them know that they might not be the weird ones after all. 🙂


Stay safe my friends!

And don’t lose hope!

💜 🖤 💛