Life backwards – looking for-back-wards

I just went through folders with hundreds of projects I started, tried out and made.

So many ideas, so many things I tried just a few years ago. Some of them maybe lost forever.

I tried to find the bot project and while I found a lot of related projects with which I tried to get the addresses and such things, even the project with the keys, so my friend wouldn’t have to spam keys. But not the bot one. Good that I named them all with weird and totally unrelated names, like the genius I was…

I went through a lot of the old projects and also a few examples I got from some others.

Honestly, I don’t really feel as if I will ever be able to get even close to this level of curiousity, interest and motivation. I looked through the code and although I knew what was happened for the most part and remembered things here and there, I thought: “Nope, that won’t be possible anymore… your brain is too burned out for that.”

Just looking through these projects and remembering what kinds of ideas I had, knowing they would never be possible for me to actually work out nor would they be needed or wanted by anyone.

I even discovered a few crapy games I made or started. You can barely call it games, since it was only a few moving things and not really something beautiful, just a few pixels and self-made crap textures. But at least it did something. Even a Unity based game I made with this friend who also tried out a this keyboard thing and a few cheats and things. Playing a worm in a platformer who tried to escape a monster with Arnold Schwarzeneggers face spitting acid. xD

Man, I just realise again that my brain only decreased since my childhood, as I wrote before.

Because of this massive pressure and then depression and alltogether to be ignored and forced to do what I couldn’t do or didn’t want.

With 14 I learned programming since with almost 14 I just got internet access and then until 16 I made a few programs and scripts for fun. For some friends, to manage games or even made some tools to create modded files and such things, I don’t even know where these projects are or whether I still have them.

For fun I also wrote a chat program which could be run from my computer at home, be accessed via a self-written app and others who also got the program or app. I also tried that in school for a school presentation. Funny thing, that it was in IT school, while we never learned such things there, only how to write a few basic things and not even that really worked for half of the class. While a few years prior a class there even programmed small robots who “cleaned” the ground from lego blocks and also maybe fought each other. But well, of course not in my class, since I was not already having enough boring stuff I already knew or whatever pointless life. yay….

And even another friend from Austria had programmed robots in school, while he wasn’t even really interested in it that much and he even said that I taught him more about programming within a few days then he learned there in years… THE HELL……..

But I couldn’t talk and even if I would have been talking, it would have not mattered. And again, I forced myself to not talk and burn my mind so I could die and forget that I would not survive anyway or be able to live free.

I mean even in the IT school the math doctor was sometimes listening to a band about the end of humanity. Another IT teacher was giving us Wikipedia pages (a few times) out of stress and couldn’t explain how some things work because he was just new to it and actually the only one who really understood the school system and also was motivated or interested in new ideas. But couldn’t tell us how flip-flops work inside (luckily there are videos online, like those I put here somewhere from other people) and also another IT teacher telling us about common sense and that people lack that and that he noticed himself that he was forgetting things and had to look them up often, usually in the internet.

But who knew it and no one cared? Sci-fi authors, some experts, some children like me, some teachers, but hey…

Just thinking about programming makes me want to ram something through my skull, no joke. And when then the father of my former best friend called a few days ago and asked whether I would want to work in the company he works for (doing automatisation for international family companies) I was breaking. Because I can’t, I just can’t and I won’t, but not because of him, because of him I would have done the job.

And the thing is, that the health ensurance currently is the family one again, since I of course couldn’t keep my private one after I quit my job. But who will lose that this year on birthday? Damn right… because you can only have it until 23, even if you have no job and are still at home. Funny thing is, that my father can still have it, since he is still married to my mother and therefor her partner. Yeah right…

I mean I don’t need this health ensurance and didn’t want it, but because of it my mother and probably my father will probably make a drama again and force me to get a job or something… fun…

And in case my mother would have divorced, she would have had to pay for my father because he has a few papers about being disabled and also has no job. FUN!=!!==!=!!=!

And guess who would get money would my mother die? My father because of the loss and him not having a job. WUNDERBAR!!!

If I would be somewhere else and would know that this deadly system wouldn’t be no more, I could just live and hopefully heal myself fully. But instead I guess I only have a few months until I will get into the danger zone again. (Into suicide mode)

I mean, yes I am not a machine and all, but I can’t do much else, except for trying to get into place for crazy people and then who knows probably I would have to pay for that as well…

I mean, there even was an episode of a TV show with medics who were flying by helicopter. I am not sure whether it was an austrian-german production or something, but I liked it and watched it with my mother when I was younger. In one episode there was a case in which a guy broke out of the mental hospital. He killed a doctor to get the keys I think and then got out. I am not sure what the reason was and what else happened there, but I just remember that he later helped one of the medics who would have otherwise fallen down and died. So he saved her life and was actually not all that mad or bad. And I thought, why did they put them back in this hospital again? And why do they treat him like this? But well… yea….

I hope I find this series, but I guess it is only german. They had a lot of interesting topics, such as children addicted to drugs, technical malfunctions, oil catastrophies, and much more. But hey, these days people know what is good and right and smart. Yeah… don’t watch TV shows they are all stupid and for old people.

If you can’t read between the lines or see the patterns and messages in these, you might be the old one.

But I wish we wouldn’t need such ways and could just talk open and honest, like I tried here. When I wasn’t having complete mental break downs or was freaking out or speaking in weird nonsense languages, e.g. robotic.

Just to make it sure, I want to live and I always wanted to live. I just understood that I was alone with this for the most part and that most people don’t even understood what being alive meant.

Just to make sure we all know how reality looks like.

And here is this show I meant. But there actually was another, similar one actually in Germany. They both were very good and interesting but already more than 10 years old. As most good things were from 10+ years ago and then died, stopped or got slowly bad etc. I wonder why… (my fault, I know).

Medicopter 117

with the extra title “Jedes Leben zählt” (every life counts / matters)

Do you know what is funny, that the (german) internet or youth said that RTL was bad and only showing stupid things. But I watched it anyway, because I can decide for myself. And hey, these series run there, Stargate ran there (RTL II) and other cool or heavy tobacco. But hey, smart young people know what is good and then end up in a factory job, while complaining about non-existing capitalism. What a great world we live in.

And I mean even in the crappiest script you can find some good lines.

And that’s the other show.

Die Rettungsflieger (the rescue fliers)

(Young) people be like: See, I told you he is stupid. He watched RTL.

But they ignore that I watched every channel I had (around 40 since my grandpa only had local antenna TV and didn’t pay for it (except the few government related ones ARD, ZDF). This way I also got french television and watched that sometimes, since we are not far from the french border. I watched a lot of french drawed animation things. And so on. You know, literal quantum physics.. since I didn’t have much else than that at the time. Because at home I wasn’t even allowed to listen to the radio. heh…

The cool thing about propaganda is, that in case you can make it, you are in control of it and this way you can also make your own messages go out through it. This often happens in german TV shows or at least happened. But sadly most people don’t even watch them or if they do, then they don’t get it and only stick to the propaganda part and not the actual messages behind it. It is so frustrating to live in a country which was once known for intellectual people, then got turned into a death factory, only to see people fight through it again, only to see it go back to it again. What a great developedment. I call it Demonkratie at its worst. Or should I call it information overload?

I mean, if people just watch Stargate trailers or a few scenes or that they wear military uniforms, they already think it is pro-destruction and pro military. Meanwhile they watch actual propaganda and think they are going against destruction. What a story… I mean these series and a lot of other stories just have these presentations and major “features” or whatever to serve the propaganda and also be “family friendly”. But in their core they scream for freedom, justice, peace and help. But hey, some people know everything better because someone on the internet told them.

Audience: Eh…

About that…

People: Wait we are in the middle of a zombie invasion?

Some people: No, actually it started hundred years ago.

Someone: S.M.A.R.T. zombies.


You can give me anything and I can tell you something about it. Although I know that I sometimes don’t know how it all works. Sadly too much and to a point which scared me as a child and still is very terrifying. As specially when it seems that there are only a few people here and there who even understand a bit of it.