I had a thought

But now it somehow disappeard.

And there it is again.

For a while now, I tried to explain to people, that it is actually possible and not uncommon, that some people simply can’t talk about things easily or at all. And not because they are stupid, what some might think. Or that just because they often say funny things in public or always, they must be silly and naive. Maybe they do it for other reasons.

And sometimes it is as if everyone expects everyone to be equal inside or even outside, while it couldn’t be further from the truth.

For example take me, I tried to explain to people that it is difficult for me to use my voice and speak because my “speech-center” (the area of the brain which should be responsible for it) has severe problems. Caused by traumatic events and training to not speak up (which was mainly started by myself, but caused by others who didn’t like what I said).

And when I figured out that they also didn’t like what I wrote, I also “trained” myself to ignore that. But partially it happened on its own, negative input, trauma… you know.

So it was no wonder that I often was sitting there, not knowing what to say or write, while I actually could have written a whole book or three hour long speech out of “nowhere” in my early teenage years or childhood.

I actually forcefully unlearned my ability to communicate with others, since others didn’t want to communicate with me, at least not when I was talking as myself, without faking, pretending or pleasing.

But if you tell people this now, they probably think that I just fake this or made it up or something. And then they forget, that humans are actually able to “reprogram” themselves or just learn and “unlearn” things. Why is that? Well, it would be very interesting if a newborn would instead of screaming or staying quiet, until someone got them to scream, would sing a song. No? I mean, maybe it could happen, wouldn’t surprise me. I mean, of course it would in a way, but not like: “OH SHIT, HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!?!?! OMG!?” when I see some people talking or reacting about some kind of new iphone or piece of junk clothes and food.

It means, that you usually learn what you want to learn or might be helpful, either now or later. There is also a connection between connecting with other people and beings, like cats for example. Okay, using two times the same word is not very good, but you get it, I hope.

When someone for example was alone at home most of the time, for whatever reason, it is pretty clear that there wouldn’t be much of a need to talk or communicate, since noone would be there to do that. Some people and children might still talk, eventhough they are usually alone because they know that later they will still need it. And so whenever they get “fresh” input from whereever, be it TV, internet, parents, neighbors, radio, books, videogames etc. they try to overcome the lack of actual communication and interaction with others. This could of course lead to confusion and “false-positives” in the learning process. Not because they did something wrong or wanted to do something wrong, but simply because they had no real interaction. All they had was an idea of interaction, which helped them to not go completely insane, lost, feeling alone, but also didn’t give them what they actually needed or wanted.

This is why I hate it when people came up with concepts or explanations like Introvert and Extrovert, only to get to Ambivert. And don’t get it wrong, these explanations can help to understand a situation and how some people work at the moment. They might have helped a lot of people to understand others or themselves. And yet, they can’t and shouldn’t be seen as a solid and constant explanation or be accepted as such. Why not? And why does it seem as if I want people to feel bad, while I actually want the opposite?


Going back to the examples and my own experience.

So when you either unconsciously, forced or even willingly learned some things, you might stop at some point or at least learn less. Maybe even revert the learning process and even forcefully unlearn things. Why is “unlearn” not the correct word? I would say because in order to actually unlearn something you would have to either get rid of the braincells or “overwrite” them. Both is possible and also other things, but usually these things are either painful, unnecessary nor recommended. So why is it that you, me or maybe others so often want to “unlearn” something or maybe even most of the things we know and learned about?

Usually when we come to a point when we realize, that most of what we got told is either a lie, half-truth, unreal or simply was for the benefit of others (and such things).

For a lot of people this might happen in their teenage years, since then they might start to understand that no everything is as it seems or they got told etc. Some people never come to these realisation or at least are good at prentending to not think about it and avoid it, until they might “forget” (block these memories).

I was lucky and went through this multiple times, only to hear other people say things about me, as if I am not mature enough or whatever, while some people even asked in which class I am going, when I wasn’t even old enough for school back then. Paradox, I know, but only because others didn’t want to listen or understand my situation. And then I also didn’t want to know theirs since it all seemed unimportant and pointless anyway.

And we are talking about someone who thought about a device to record dreams during sleep time, to later revisit them. Especially dreams I couldn’t fully remember after I woke up. But then decided against it and also kinda swore to myself to never build such a thing, since it would only be used secret agencies, criminals and other “wanna be” world rulers, who sadly are in a way ruling, because we let them or others before us. And I thought about that when I was a child. But I can understand that others don’t think this far. It is just sad, that they expect me to not be able to think this far or do such things. Only because the brain parts responsible for interaction with others are or were mostly underdeveloped (again).

As I explained, I wanted them to be this way, so I wouldn’t be able to communicate with others, since this usually just caused more problems for me or them and in the end always hurt me in the long run. So it was a choice and it sadly worked, not only once. But it is nothing I would want to do again and recommend. I just try to explain it and also give others who went through similar decisions and experiences a voice or at least someone who kinda understands them or what they might went through.

So again, when I might seem or talk like an idiot in public, this is not always because I want that nor that this is who or how I am. Sometimes I do it willingly, since people would not accept me otherwise or because this part of my brain just is so damaged and was “overwritten” and changed so many times, that I am really not sure whether you can trust it or not.

“Speaking” of it, I also said the same about the part responsible for writing. Why is it important? It is important because the part(s) responsible for my writing and communication skills in writing were less “damaged” and “overwritten” etc., but also went through this process at least once or twice. Luckily, because if it would have been more, than I probably wouldn’t be able to communicate with you. Or maybe only via weird movements. Not to confused with sign language which nowadays is a common and more or less standardized thing, although it would be some kind of “sign” language.

Or just me having weird brain malfunctions…

Luckily I was able to recover these parts and not fully broke them with success. I also maintained them for way longer, eventhough I was quiet in school of with others most of the time and only really were talking when I was alone with a friend for example (usually online friends in my teenage years and before with friends from the area).

In school I sometimes were drawing things, while the teacher was talking something, to distract and on the same time entertain my mind. I also wrote some poems or possible songs here and there and sometimes even short stories. Some of which are available here. If I wouldn’t have done this, I would probably completely lost my intellect (although I am sometimes not sure what is what and when what is what, 😀 ^^ :-/ or which).

But because I couldn’t really trust others to see these things for what they are or were and why I did it, I tried to hide them from others for the most part. So when people asked me about it or said things like: “Why do you just write dark and sad things?” I couldn’t explain it to them and also didn’t want to, since on one side I already wasn’t able to anymore and on the other hand expected them to not understand it. The conclusion was wrong in some cases, but it seemed like the better choice to get rid of myself in quiet and hidden way, instead of trying to regain the ability to speak about it.

Mainly because it felt logical, although it wasn’t from a normal perspective. Why? Well, although I couldn’t remember why I didn’t want to talk (sometimes) or how to talk (sometimes), I knew that there must have been an important reason for me to not get in touch with it.

Like when you learn that fire is hot and thorns can hurt. You usually won’t willingly touch these things again or at least try to avoid it. Which is of course normal and healthy, otherwise you could burn yourself and such things.

And because this “unlearn” process didn’t happen out of a natural reflex or reaction, it must have had such a hard “wire” or even a network inside me, that it was so scary that I didn’t want to touch that thing ever again.

Sadly curiosity and hope other gave me, were stronger.

People: Why sadly? That is a good thing.

And yes, it is a good thing and I am still more than thankful for it. But back in my teenage years it only made me reach this point again, where I healed everything necessary to realize my situation and also what I could do instead, only to understand that I won’t be allowed or supported. So I tried to kill myself, which didn’t actually get to the point where something actually happened, since forces of nature (or who or whatever) didn’t let me. But I was there again like in my childhood. And then like in my childhood, at some point, I had to trigger the “unlearn” process again. Or you could also say “obfuscating”. Because I sometimes forcefully made logical things irrational and wrong in my brain. It is something you should never ever do. I don’t write or talk about it, so others try this as well. I share about it because way too many probably do this right now or did it already. Or also in a chemical way, by taking drugs or drink alcohol, which can have similar or even worse effects.

And you have to understand, that I chose this method, because I wanted to make sure, that no one will stop me in my “long-run” suicide “mission” / attempt. Not because I wanted to do, but because I knew I wouldn’t be allowed to actually live or what I had understood and seen as an actual life.

Because you can see scars on the outside (arms, legs, etc.) and see or smell when someone drinks or smokes and make see some needles or such things. But what you can’t see, is when someone messes with themselves hidden inside their brain or when they don’t eat what might be better for them.

All in the context that it seems like the only way because each attempt to live was made either impossible, hard or unbearable. I mean, when someone willingly overwrites their own mind into a state in which it is almost similar to an ape (sorry apes, it is not your fault 😀 ) you know that the shit is real and heavy and not funny. Don’t get confused by the smileys or emojis. Like many others, I have to use some humor or whatever to be able to handle this without completely going down. This is and never was fun or anything alike.

More or less this is the final attempt to speak up about it all. Even things I might haven’t thought about before or others did instead.

And the problem is, that this time this goal I always had, to get in touch with those who went through similar things like me and to end this old “world” and just live freely and heal earth or help nature and such things, it is very near. At least it feels very near, but when I look outside the opposite happens, at least it seems this way.

I know that this is a side effect of ending worlds and sickness, that in the end it seems unbearable and very hard, but once over, is the best feeling or at least should be. If you didn’t want to die, so to say.

Connection between people…

Often I felt more connected with dead things than with people. Why is that? Well, dead things at least didn’t hurt. ;D

Sadly this is not as funny as it might seem.

I mean, my computers were often better friends than actual friends. Which doesn’t mean that all my friends were bad or terrible, no. Sometimes or often I was probably or actually the one who could have done more for them. But because of all this obfuscation, school, future, past, trauma, intelligence, stupidity, learning, forgetting madness… I just wasn’t able to get along with them after some time. And I also thought that it might be better to step away, so they won’t get “infected” by my mind madness or whatever excuse I told myself, so I could die easier.

I knew that being alone wasn’t always good for me and that I actually needed other people, although I could have a great time alone as well, playing with imaginary friends and such things.

The computer was giving me some kind of solid thing. At least at first.

I just put it on, started a program and if not at first then after some tries it would work. And then games which wouldn’t change over time. For example some of which I wrote about here. This gave me some security, some stability or when I watched others play games, like Gronkh. I didn’t feel alone this way, got some kind of father through him and we actually have a lot in common, no like with my actual father. Similar backgrounds, similar ideas, skills and all. Very good man. (tears)

But when I played games with others, especially in groups, some of them even said something like: “This isn’t a Let’s Play, you have to do something.” And that I should talk or do more and whatever. This actually triggered the opposite and so I also got away from my online friends more and more. They probably didn’t mean it this way or thought about it at all, since it was the truth in the given context. But for me it just translated into: You are annoying. You are failing even at playing a game. People don’t want to be with you. You should be more like them, but you can’t be. And so on. The problem for a psychologist or therapist would now be, that I usually didn’t have these negative thoughts running through my head in a way I assume it must be for others. At least how they often describe it. And of course other people can experience these things in way different ways. It depends on how their brain is “wired” or just how they learned and connected things when they were younger and so on.

So for me there usually was no voice. This was especially scary, because it made me even more anxious and scared and all. Why? Well because I usually heard that other people had two voices in their head. Or that there was a devil and an angel (or similar concepts) sitting on their shoulders or whatever. And so I thought, but I don’t have these. Is that a bad thing?

It actually is and was a good thing, but how should I have known, I usually didn’t think about these things, only when I was confused or felt wrong.

For me it always or usually was just me talking. So I knew that it was me, even if I hated who or what I was. So when I hated myself, I said these things actively to myself or just felt bad. But usually I didn’t have an uncontrolled voice or even multiple voices.

Okay, this might be wrong, so I should say instead, usually it wasn’t like this.

I also had times in which I had a part of me which was thinking in this Tourette kind of way and I was worried about it. But that actually was when I already didn’t know about all the other stuff. So it was more my actual feelings and emotions which I couldn’t express anymore, but thought about inside. For example when I was actually thankful for someone to be there, but inside I screamed: “I hate you, you ignorant asshole.” Meaning the other one and not me. And since the “main” me was actually happy or at least not really feeling this way, I was worried about this way of thinking. But I still knew, that it was me or a part of me. It also was my voice and I had control over it, when I wanted.

This is the scary part: But how can you know this?

Interesting question. Well, as long as I am able to control something inside of me and then change it, it must be part of me.

Really scary: But when this happens to people around you as well? Does this mean they are part of you as well?

Eh… usually I would leave the room (at least mentally), but this time I should say, that it is complicated, but should actually be answerable. There is a line between imaginary people, actual people, ghosts (and alike) and maybe a “spiritual” (I don’t know how to call it, but heard people use this), connection with actual people, while they are not really there in a way. Not in a materialistic or physical way. More like a projection.

Now you might think: Woah. Woah. Too much information. Stop.

And yes, I should probably stop for now. But I have to add, that this line usually involves unexpected events. This is especially difficult for intelligent people or depending on what “intelligence” means for you, people with a high imagination and brain power in general. Because I think about more possibilities most people even know about or pay attention to. So it is very hard to surprise me. But a wrong conclusion would be, that you have to be more intelligent, smarter or imaginative to surprise me. Usually the opposite is the case. In the past someone who was also intelligent or at least thought he was, maybe both a little, he asked me, why I did spent time with people who are less intelligent. And (since I wasn’t able to communicate or explain at this time) I wasn’t really able to give him a plausible answer. But the funny thing is, even the John in the bible knew, that you can’t always be busy and care for important or intellectual things. And instead just watch some animals or do silly things to relax. Given that this guy was also having high visions and dreams you know it can’t all be rubbish what is or was written down in the past. Although the interpretation and conclusions of other people were usually far from the actual meaning. As usual…

And just for using the words bible and intellectural in the same context, I will be seen as stupid. Thanks logic. Thanks… for not thinking.

Okay, so unexpected things are the key to freedom, while sometimes secure and expected things could be necessary in the healing process. The state someone is in should be realized, cared about and not ignored or even shamed or such things. At worst, forcefully trying to change it…

This will only lead into total blockade or aggression and then people lock you or these people away, since they can’t help them anymore and the people themselves are not able to control it anymore. Or maybe also don’t want to, since it makes all no sense to them.

And usually knowing too or understanding too much can lead to seeming or becoming crazy and or stupid, at least when seen by others. But how should people heal, if you give them no chance? Often they can do this on their own, if you just give them the space and environemt to do this and support as best as possible.

I for example think it is a shame for our so called “intellectuals” that they or others lock people still up in jails, mental hospitals and similar things. Not to confuse it with people or countries which actually do this because they want to get rid of people and know that it is not good to do these things.

I personally don’t think that there is no (human) being which can’t be healed. At least at some point. And that it only depends on a few decisions sometimes and some love and willing sacrifices for others.

Sometimes I think I might have gone to far, sometimes I think I didn’t go far enough and sometimes I just want to run away from all of this and hide again. Very often actually. All of this is scary. but also wonderful, should it actually be possible to find a way to live together so all of us are happy.

I made the mistake and said, that there might always has to be someone who will suffer, to the girl I mentioned. I didn’t mean it in a constant way, just the temporary way, since right now this sadly still is the case. But I think, like I myself previously, she must have taken it for a constant, which then did hurt her even more. I think she is currently going through the process I went trough several times.

She feels as if she is a burden, that she does nothing to help others, can’t even help parents with what they expect of her and such things. So she tries to get rid of herself. And my attemtps to stay in contact with her made it even worse. I should have know that, since I would have reacted and did react similar in the past. My problem was, that I was to focused on not losing her, that I actually wasn’t able to give her what she needed. At least not enough. I hope she is okay and as far as I know she is still alive and could contact me or I could contact her. But often I just don’t know anymore what I should do, and often doing nothing is better, but it seems wrong.

Complicated things…

Okay, I didn’t want to end it this way and in case she reads it, I hope it, I really want you to live and that you don’t have to go through all I went through or maybe again. I love you for the inspiration and angel you are and for all what you might do in the future. Most importantly that you are here. Eventhough you think you are a problem, people might tell you this or make you feel this way, you are one of the reasons why I want to live and fight this war or all these wars. And make an end to them or at least give others the ability and chances to do so. Please don’t go and no matter what happens, you will always have a big part of my heart.

(Okay now I am crying.)

Thank you for reading. And also thank you for going through this with me, eventhough many things were and will be mentioned again and again. Healing is not always or maybe never really linear. So thanks for understaning. ❤

And thank you to all those who gave me these words and their thoughts and experiences. Also to all people in my past, some of it I only understood in recent years or fully this year. I am thankful for everyone who is or was in my life. If there just wouldn’t have been all this pain and misunderstandings. :-/

And should I ever seem unrespectful, childish, ignorant or such things. Please believe me, I probably care more about everyone than they care about me. And when I scream, say mean or aggressive things, it is out of exhaustion, helplessness and the feeling as if nothing will ever change.

Stay safe guys and stay ❣️ 💜💙💛