When they understand

They will already have lost.

But will never lose, even if we die.


Why do you first have to become (a) god or godlike, so someone listens to you?

Because those who won’t listen anyway, will only see when they are about to die or maybe never.

The children will even listen to a bird, but some people don’t even listen to their worst nightmare.

What is your worst nightmare? Don’t tell me, if you don’t want to, but you can if it helps you.

My worst nightmare is to be (a) god and being responsible for everyone and everything alive. Seem like a normal nightmare, especially when it is your life and you tried everything to ignore it.


The Golden Sight

It is bad that people with power read my words and know where I am.

It is great that people with power read my words and know who I am.

It is shit that they ignore me, since this is their strength.

It is super that they ignore me, since it shows they are scared.

When I won’t stop what I am doing, I might get killed or worse.

When I won’t stop what I am doing, I could get what I want.

Some people could think I or people like me should get into prison.

But I think they might not risk it, since they could give me / us what we want.

I mean, what do you do, when someone like me gives them no chance?

They might think, that they can kill me and I am sure they can, at least my body.

But that is the sad part and the great part. I will win no matter what and they will lose no matter what, at least as long as they continue fighting with themselves. What a waste of time…

It is no excuse for these actions, but I try to explain that it is pointless to continue such actions they do.

People also made fun of me, taking my first and hitting me with it, telling that I should stop hitting myself… haha, how funny….

The scary part about me is, that no matter what people will think, try or do to me or others, in a trial to eliminate me, even if they would kill me or especially then, they will only help me. Always, everytime.

And still they do it, did it and probably will do it again. What are they? Why do they do this? Do they really have nothing better to do with their life?

You live, just want to have a great time with your friends or yourself or whatever and then “they” come along and thing they are cool or whatever. It even is funny how some people think that Satan and God are not on the same side. Or that the concept of them is not faulty. So it is interesting how they both stick to things which don’t exist in the way they think and feel cool to be on either of these sides.

I mean, didn’t they consider that theoretically Jesus and the Anti-Christ could be the same?

Or in other words, that they don’t exist?

Or in other words, that I might be them?

So if I might be them, if I might be able to come back any time all the time and actually came in peace all the time, why do you want to kill me?

Good question.

So I ask, why do you want to kill everyone else then?

Good question.

But the best question is, why do you want to kill yourself?

Scary? No? Well, I guess these people I try to reach will never talk nor be honest with me and especially themselves. I know my flaws, trust me, I even know flaws which aren’t any. And that should say enough about how much hate I had against myself and others had against me before that.

So the only thing which scares me, is to be responsible for everything alive. Which would make those who want to destroy everything alive, like little maggots or dust corns under my feat. Sounds familiar? No?

Well, how should I put it? The one who plays God will pay the price. The one who is God, will make it happen.

People: But John, you can’t say that and how should you know?

Well, my people, good question. If you can’t answer this question yourself, you should be worried. But please, if you are already struggling with everything, live in misery, are depressed and hate your life, I am not the one who will tell you that it is your fault. What I mean is, that the ones who feel good about themselves, they made things wrong the way they are, since they were jealous or ignorant towards our love, our freedom and kindness.

And just to make this clear, I am not the Anti-Christ nor Christ or such things.

When you understand that it is will and love which make these things, then you are a fool, if you have to believe in something else or someone else. It is important to understand that you are only a fool if you really want and have to, not if you were convinced of it or scared or unknowing.

I speak for the good and true side, because you know my dark side or what I received?

Imagine one thing, if Jesus and the Anti-Christ should exist or come back, what would happen, if they would both fight on the same side? Ops. I would say, dang, you might say and shit, they could think.

The difference between them is, that one of them lives and one of them thinks they live, but only do what the other one wants, since they think, but don’t feel.

Leaving these weird concepts and ideas again, I want to add the difference in a biological way again.

Why is it murder when you shutdown the life support of a braindead patient?

Any suggestions? No?

Well, it is obvious, no?

People: But they were braindead, so there was no hope anyway, why is it murder?

See, that is the problem. Because people forget that the heart is actually the important thing which gives the life the life. So as long as it beats, there is hope and the one with the dead brain still lives, therefor it is “legal” murder to shutdown their life support.

To explain in scientific ways. The brain is responsible for fast processes, coordination and control of some areas and so on. But actually it is more of a tool, an easier and quick development and also necessary to make a lot of processes easier. To store, process and filter things and make decisions. But why is it actually necessary? Well, you can say this or that I guess, but I would say that a few cells decided that they should need democracy or maybe some kind of authority. Otherwise there would be a lot of confusion around them and maybe they would kill each other or “run” away. So they might have thought, that some kind of authority could be good and therefor formed brain cells, synapsis and eyes and such things. Also they wanted to know more about the environment they live(d) in. So this way it was easier to learn about it, faster and also more efficient. But while they first just needed it as some form of order and easier way to explore, understand and handle things, it soon got out of hand. And instead of being just “a tool” or “thing which held things together” and supported exploring, understanding and these things, the mind separted itself more and more from the rest of the body. Why is that? Well, probably not enough blood or oxygen reached it anymore. Or maybe it was because up there they only worked with themselves, being all too similar, get new cells out of their own kind, obviously not accepting any other kind of cell. Until they forgot that these “other” cells actually gave them this life, this chance and also power, in a way.

The other cells tried to live with it for a while, but sooner or later they start to die. One here, one there and then they might die faster than the heart can give life to new ones and also can’t give power to them all to travel around and so the heart breaks down. And all of a sudden the brain feels a weird sense. Sometimes it might be cold, sometimes it might be like a needle or a knife in the chest and sometimes just the deep feeling to vommit. In any case it might mean the end of the body and therefor the brain as well, obviously. The thing is, that in some cases people survived such heart attacks, even multiple times, only parts of the brain died or got broken. Sometimes it seemed forever, sometimes just for some time. Did the brain repair the damage, while it was damaged itself? Or was it the heart or whole lot of other cells the heart supported which helped to repair it and maybe some other parts of the brain as well?

Interesting how this all of a sudden seemed like a political speech, while I just tried to speak about health and philosophy and a little science here and there.

You know, when I sometimes turned on my flash light and held it under my hand, the light went through it. And the interesting thing is, that it went through it in an equal strength (according to my eyes). Only on one finger nail / tail it was stopped, so I could see a small dark line. It was where my nail probably didn’t have enough resources or the wrong ones and turned white (at least according to my eyes).

What does this tell us? It tells us that all cells of the body are more or less equal, that they come from the same body and also have a similar base, although they have different strengths, abilities, uses and “lives”.

It is kinda silly that I expected to see my bones, honestly.

But this is the thing, when you see your bones, you think that they are separate things or at worst, that they are “mechanical” or whatever, like a robot skeleton or whatever. But when my friend (and of course millions of other people) broke their bone, a doctor tries to remove broken parts, places the rest of the intact bone in the original position again (at best) and then puts something around the wound. To harden it, so you won’t accidentally move and hurt it again and also make it able to heal and not get infected from outside, since there is an open wound (or at least could be). And then after a few weeks or months it usually works just fine again. At least so much for the doctors part, when they actually know what they are doing or really want to help.

So why is it obvious, but sadly not obvious to most people, it seems? It is probably more common for men or people who think they are “the man” (in a bad way) to not understand this. Which is pretty sad because they are all made out of the same things, at least usually and for the most part. Some genes might be different or some things here and there, but the basis of life are still the same for them. So why do some people think that a bone is something which is gone, once it is broken? Or that it is not repairable? Or that muscles can’t be reactivated, repaired and these things? For people with bionic arms or legs or what they have these days, these things are no problem for me. I also think they are kinda cool, although they also scare me a little, depending on who gets them or has them. And I also weren’t able to grow a sixth finger or whatever so far, but I also didn’t have the need for it, nor the energy and five seem like enough.

I also know people who only have one fully intact hand and a not developed hand on their others. She was my neighbor for 9 years and her husband was sometimes looking after my father’s mother, since he is or at least was working for some caretaker service in town. And she, she made art, although her arm of course often must have caught some looks, words and eyes. I can only imagine how she must have felt and what she went through. Did you know that a few decades ago they gave some pain killer medicine to pregnant women or at least told them it was safe, until their children had all sorts of problems. Wrong body parts, missing body parts and such things. I know why I better trust my gut and feelings than anything some people say, but I trust some doctors, who felt right and really tried to help me.

Some people consider glasses as a must or constant, but even the eye doctor said that I might not need it later on. And she was right, but actually I wouldn’t have needed them in the first place. I only needed them for things like school, where I had to read things on the board. I mean I don’t wear my glasses for the most part this year and so far I don’t miss it. The only times when I still need it, is to read text far away, but yeah… usually it is irrelevant anyway. And when I read a book I don’t need it nor when I watch some movies or walk around and also not for programming or talking with people, if I would to. So yeah, why do I need them anyway? I knew why I didn’t want them when I was still little, I even threw them away sometimes and also got injured because of them, since I had them on my nose and it is dangerous when you fall down.

Well, it depends on your needs and sometimes I can use them and might need them, but if I want to, I can even read things far away without the glasses, it just needs a little bit of will power and more energy.


The following might be very important and should not be tested nor considered as something you should do, but maybe it helps those who did or lost someone this way.

When I told this one guy who considered himself as smart, which he was in a way, but different from me, that I thought about jumping down out of the window, he just meant that I would only break a few bones and it wasn’t worth it. Well he didn’t see where I wanted to jump, but her probably still was right.

Some other stories I heard also told from such experiences. One woman jumped into water in a trial to kill herself (when I remember correct) and then hit her head on a stone and broke her backbone, so she needed a wheelchair. Another one jumped out of a high house, multiple floors and hit the ground, it wasn’t stone, but dirt instead, but still. And she also broke things but survived. Not to forget the story about the woman who fell out of a crashing plane several hundred meters and survived hitting a few trees until she got on the ground. Even without much harm, even was able to get away from there on her own.

And then you see how some people just fall down a few stairs and they are dead or such things.

It makes you wonder. And when you understand the reason for a suicide attempt which failed or why some people survived things which were considered impossible or highly unlikely, you might come to a conclusion that it was related to the wish and will to live. Now you might think, that suicide is the opposite of that, but then you clearly don’t know that some people actually want to live, but either aren’t allowed (parents, toxic relationship, work, etc.) or have to fight with other things like trauma or simply loneliness (since that is really heavy, once you actually feel it). So they want to live, but feel they can’t and then they might end up surviving, maybe even multiple attempts, while others might die from less.

It depends on the case and the people, so you can’t say that someone who died, really wanted to die nor that they were meant to die, this would be completely wrong, since in my eyes all life is priceless and shouldn’t face such an end (the same guy who did things against it, yes…). Sometimes there is not enough hope or love and not energy to survive or come back to life. But again, some people woke up from several years being in a coma, others after being frozen for an hour or such things.

When you want to live or someone wants you to live, there is a high chance that you will live and survive, even the unthinkable.

Your brain might be completely different from mine and that of others and it might be fine the way it is.

But depends on your heart and your heart depends on love. And if you are not able to love, you can’t get love. It doesn’t mean that someone who can’t love right now, won’t be able to love at some point or won’t receive love anyway. Otherwise this would be judgemental, sardistic and horrible, but love doesn’t know these things. At least not in the way our brain might understands it. This is why some people might give and give, more than they might be able to give or should give, like my mother did, until she broke.

And my father usually used his brain or almost ist just his brain, always literally talking with himself, manipulating us and maybe himself and others.

I was lucky, that I didn’t decide to be like him and that I was still in the middle between them.

So I was able to understand everything. Since my heart filled my brain and my brain gave my heart new things to love. And so they worked together instead of against each other. At least when I was little, when I was younger and still able to see things for myself and clearer.

Now I reached this sight again and maybe even more and also found a way to master it, instead of fearing and cursing it. It still scares me sometimes and I sometimes still don’t want it, but since I have it and it is more than needed, I have not much of a choice at the moment. Luckily I know, that I can “give it away” when I or others won’t need it anymore. Or just use the good of it and not hsve to longer fight and hold all of it. I can always stop, when I am safe, but usually I am never really, since this world is a nightmare (for the most part). Not the still natural things here and there, but most of it.

Do you know what the scariest thing is? I might be able to control those who try to control me.

I might have even tried to or did at some point, by coincidence or accident or maybe it wasn’t me at all.

I just know that it might be their downfall, hopefully, when they try to break me, since it will be them who will later on get it all back. I will live and you, in case you are also some who just wants to live and be loved and happy, but they, well they will either suffer forever in their own misery or stop existing for their own best. And we are talking here about people who willingly kill people and animals day in day out and might even have fun doing so. Maybe even in the name of science, as they said some decades ago, not to forget those who did things during WWII and afterwards, since a lot of them went out free or even got supported later. What a mess…

Well, luckily I don’t have to worry about time, since I can live millions of years, so a few decades are really not worth it. Meaning, that all their trials for a few decades or maybe hundred years, how insane, how “sad” (to say the least). What do they think they will get from all of this? The flaw they search is within themselves. And usually only those who have none or maybe only the things others did to them, think they are the flaws or problems. Mad world for real. The ones with the actual problems will probably never accept it or want to confess or whatever. But you should give them the chance, since they also won’t want to hate themselves forever, do they? After some time everything gets kinda pointless, so why killing them? If they can’t live with their own self, killing them, would only help them or maybe not, since at worst they might have to relive it again and again. So it would actually be pretty obvious that we should give them a chance. At worst they end it themselves and at best they actually chance themselves.

Music can make wonders. Since it can transport a form of life and feelings like love or others related to being around.

The worst punishment is not death, it is life. Life in pure form, to give someone everything it had or has to offer, if the only thing to do would be to confess and maybe slowly get comfortable with it.

But usually this price is too high to pay, although it is or should actually be so easy.

But don’t confuse confessing and honesty with telling someone what you are about to do, did or want to do and continue this way (willingly harming or killing others and these things), thinking this way it would be okay. When the heart is really what makes you live and not your brain, you won’t consider this behavior as logical. Because when you understand how wrong some things are, you won’t want them anymore.

Speaking of it, I still struggle with my porn problem. And since I am having problems, I should explain it, without justifying it. At least I try to and yes, it is still weird, although for many people it might be normal or not a big deal. For me it is, since I know what madness is related to it.

The problem with this is, that the brain remembers the pattern, since it knows that it gets some kind of joy from it and the heart knows that it is not good, but gets tricked by the brain and its own feelings.

So I see wonderful people, at least when you pay attention to the eyes and ignore all the fake. And the heart feels some kind of love towards these people, but the brain (psychological dilemma) considers it as beautiful body and wants to replicate (or whatever). The weirdness of these words alone should show, that I am not happy with this. And the hope within it is, that my heart got stronger, although it might only be the feelings it sends.

In the past the heart was usually cold or trapped, so it “just” happened, since it gave me some kind of joy and bliss to somehow survive. But now that I found back to what I had before all of this, I see that I can live without it, would I just not be trapped in a toxic environment. And the best part is, that I even started to live without out it eventhough I am still in a toxic environment, which actually caused all this or was feeding it.

And of course I am addicted to it or was, but now it actually seems more like starting it and ending it again. Like a stuttering engine in a way. To see the difference, at least for how I would describe it, I am or was addicted when I needed it each day, maybe multiple times or at least couldn’t wait for it (in a way). Whenever I couldn’t get it, I even started to get these signs, like sweaty hands and such things, what others get from taking drugs. Since this is also a drug, at least the masturbation part related to it. Other like external drugs, it is a body internal drug and therefor natural. So it should have no long-term consequences and damages. The actual damage is only psychological and only as long as you can’t open up about it and find your heart again. It involves a lot of crying from time to time.

When it now got me again, I can stop again, depending on my environment and what happened. So it might have happened when there was something which was usually related to it, like playing a certain game or watching something or that something specific happened. Then it could get triggered. This is the psychological problem and brain patterns which still have to be repaired. But when it happened and I feel my heart again, I also know that I won’t need it again. I then go through something like someone who doesn’t get their drug, since that is or was the case and then after a few days it might be all okay again. No need for it. Or am I wrong? Well, I know that I didn’t completely win the fight and each time it happens the pattern gets reacibated, but that is all head / brain related for the most part.

The biggest dilemma is, that there is this natural love in me and that I wanted to meat new people, can see something beautiful in everyone and everything it seems and therefor can easily get trapped there.

When it happens, I also now try to at least find something without any violence and also in which it turns out to be pretty silly or stupid, so I can try to trick myself this way. Because I have learned that hating it or fighting it by force, doesn’t really help. Especially when considered with other drugs, the core of it is more related to natural things and it is less destructive, when the violence against women wouldn’t be in it and also not the force and abuse against them. So there are even people who tried and try to make sensual porn and porn which is without any kind of abuse, violence and maybe even good causes. As weird as it sounds, I know. And at least it is something better than completely banning it, without actually helping people not needing it. Banning something never helped, at worst it made it even more wanted and the problem worse. Also a psychological thing, but hey… who am I…

So yes, I try to make myself feel good about failing myself and feel good about my mistakes and that I fail in my fight for good so often, that counting made no sense. Actually counting would only make it worse again, since it would related failure to numbers and then the higher it gets, the higher the failure and then the result would be that you would need your drugs (or whatever it is) even more, to ease the feeling of failure. I tried all that, so I know what I am talking about.

And the good thing is, that I can really stop when I want to and I know that completely fighting it all, will be tough again, but I am used to pain and misery. And now I got my actual love again in my heart, so I know I can beat it. The thing is, why didn’t I so far? Well, because I still have a hard time to not go nuts with my father around, the other people where I live and my mother also sometimes being on my side, then not and that she is broken and that now even the neighbors said we should leave. Well… yea… so if you have a problem with my way of trying to not replace a drug, but actually find a solution to all problems, then you are always free to ignore me and live your life the way you want (or others told you?).

I am sorry for a lot, but I can’t snip with my fingers and then all is good. Otherwise I should really consider myself as the one and only in any way. And nope, I clearly don’t want to be that for a lot of reasons.

The way you walked, doesn’t dictate the ways you might find nor the fields and forests beside them. You can always walk somewhere else or even back the same way, if you want to. Sometimes you might have to, but when you are not alone and you know that you are not alone, you can find something good in everything. Even the devil himself. If you are not allowed to make a possibility, then why was it possible?

And if the devil just stands for a symbol of what you don’t want to be, when you read the end of the story, then you still saw something good in it. And in case you should be the devil, then you might wonder, do I have a chance? What is justice? Justice is when you let someone think about their mistakes, basically letting them alone with themselves for a while. And if all the time alone won’t help, music won’t help, other people won’t help, confrontation and everything doesn’t help. Then at least you could still be.

I hope this made it clear, that in case someone understands that actual love wins against evil, since love follows its own “rules”, it is actually a very lonely and shity position to be the bad one. It would only make sense to open up, instead of closing in, faking and trying to eliminate everything and everyone who tries to find it or knows something. I only tried to get rid of myself. But some people… some people try to get rid of everything and everyone but themselves, until they might end it anyway. Luckily we are not those and I can only wish that the people who are young like me or those who stayed young by heart, won’t have to face another world war in all its diabolic “glory”. But should it come anyway, if one of us (or a few) survive, all of us win, survive and might live. So it really makes no sense to fight a war, especially a world war, since we would be on all fronts. And someone would have to destroy the whole world and everyone around it, to make an end to us all. And maybe not even then. So is it worth risking it, trying it – a war of total destruction? Or praising death as something good or the escape? No. I hope I was clear enough.

I really hope my father will find his heart one day. But I think I have to leave him alone for this, since other attempts usually ended up in hurting me and my mother even more. And I can’t sacrifice her and myself for a man who had more than 20 years to change himself. I also was able to do this in several ways and I know in his case it is more difficult, since he is 40 years apart, so his brain patterns are so hardwired, that he often is actually like a machine. Not even knowing why or what he is doing, just doing it since it happened before and maybe made sense at some point or just always has been done, like cutting grass or trees, even mine, although he actually had no right in any way.

Is it really worth sacrificing two (or counting my cat in, three) lives for one? Knowing that it already did costs several others and almost those of me and my mother several times? I would say no.

And why is it okay to say this? Because I know that he will probably live some more years probably decades and that in cases I might be able to reach people he listens to, I might be able to help him anyway.

But actually I thought, that it makes much more sense to help those first who can help me and others. So there are more which can help and then the chances to help everyone get higher, instead of wasting it all for an (at the moment) lost cause. I hope you understand. Because I really want to save everyone, at least everyone who wants to be safe and loved and at some point or way everyone wants that. At least all what lives, well, let’s say all except parasites. 😀 But if you know Stargate, you know that even some of those developed feelings and even helped. Exceptions are the things we live for.


But we can not wait for every parasite to change their mind.

When you know what is going on, you should actually feel sad for Ra or the “host”, the human the parasite used. They usually don’t really know what happens to them, feel it like a dream, nightmare or whatever and usually can’t do anything about it. Hoping what they see doesn’t actually happen.

And yes, the first and original Stargate movie was different from the series and other few movies. But it had its own special story. Basically all of the rest in one thing, but way, way too short. If you see things a little bit my way, the heart part, you know what I mean. Where nothing is impossible and good will win, although evil might seem almighty. In the end it might be defeated through its own “might” 😀 a “teleporter”.