Salute to the unsung heroes

We need more of these people. 🙂

What I didn’t really see in both of these videos was Germany. Because from my personal experience in my country there is a similar development and behavior in the society. It is very important that you are working or if you can’t that you get well soon. While some people often go to doctors, talk with them and then can take time off, people like me would only get into more trouble from my experience. Because then people would ask questions, would expect that it must be better now and that there are things to fix it. But in my case it all developed through the way on which the society overall works. There are of course differences between regions, but the problem usually was in the pressure and the forceful way of pre-planning what was “good” for people.

I in my case, I had no problems to speak, no problems with mental health nor interacting with people. I even was one of the most interactive and doctors even were suprised by how grown up I was. They even called me premature and respectful. I was happy, social and also happy alone.

But because of the situation at home, with school in general and that my opinion on what I want to do with my life, was usually ignored, I gave up on myself. It left myself at a stage, where I willingly sacrificed myself to do what others wanted because when I wanted to do something on my own, it was said to be no possible for me. Or problematic etc. so that in the end, I also didn’t see the point in doing something.

Luckily a part of me just took over and started to share things with someone I trust, but at first also wasn’t sure whether I could talk about things. So I did it and at first could mainly only write about things.

It was far from an easy thing and opened old scars along the way. Things I had long suppressed, forgotten and sealed. This is why I now very often still struggle with very painful, negative and even suicidal thoughts. But compared to what I had in recent years, before I finally got things out of my mind, I would say I am almost happy.

And I really had and have a lot of situations where I was genuinely enjoying life this year. I could weep / cry again and also see my old friend nature again after so many years. I sure spent some time in nature, in over the past years, but often it wasn’t anymore because I wanted it. And if, then I also couldn’t really enjoy it, maybe only for a short time. I developed such a level of masking myself, that I was able to hide from everyone or at least as far as I know, all people around me. From childhood on, when I got broken because of family, school, bullying, traumatic events and people not understanding me, the feeling of being too much or annoying etc. I started to observe others more and more. I started to mimic other people. Understood when to say what and how to react and such things. Over the years I got better and better. So that most people didn’t really understand what was going on.

Whenever I got somewhere new, I would try to start fresh and hide past negativity. But sooner or later it catched up on me. Usually from inside. So while the older I got, the people I worked with became nicer, I myself got more broken. Because I had all this unhandled problems and because I was so good at hiding, I couldn’t talk about it. And the thing is, that I actually was there once talking with a therapist or psychiatrist and I honestly didn’t really know what I should say. It was as if nothing too bad happened to me. And the only hard-wired traumatic event (which was an important one, but by far not the worst) wasn’t too special either. So I myself thought, I must be simulating or faking. That I probably was just lazy or couldn’t get myself up enough. That I just didn’t want to work or was too bad. I forgot about my courage as a kid, my love, my dreams and ideas. And so these people said, that they couldn’t help me. That I was a nice and good person and that was it. Oh and that I should do more with my friends… yes “best” advice.

These things actually got me into this situation, at least some of it.

And I mean, in the end I two times ended up telling these people, that things were alright now. And at the point I actually thought it myself. So I wasn’t really lying, I just didn’t know better myself anymore.

So messed up was my mind. I was completely burned, messed up, depressed and turned upside down. And I felt good about it, because I thought it was normal, the way I felt and thought. Because the world around me was also messed up. (Be it the small “world” or the whole thing we are all part of).

From my personal experience and what I heard from many other people, there are a lot of people working in the mental health area who also have not much experience or knowledge themselves. Sometimes even giving out medication, in cases not related to it and worse. So this is way more serious.

And in my country (Germany), people who talk about such things are usually outsiders and the other people fear to speak up. I heard some people who were concirned about the youth here. Someone who was probably around 10 years older than me (maybe more, but I couldn’t really tell), told me this as well. That young people here often already get drunk to festivals or events and sometimes others have to help them home or even to hospital. And that he and his friends were at least waiting to get drunk at the festival, if even.

I also have seen a development of increased fear and discourage from people my age and younger. Be it at work, in school or contacts from social networks.

In my case there were way more factors than just the typical (family, bullying, trauma). Because I also saw how the overall world was developing towards a more and more hopeless state. So it is extremely important to instead of pushing education, work, economy and all these things, to actually care, motivate and help especially younger people.

Because usually it is like: “Hey, look, you can work as whatever you want. You have aaaaalll the possibilities.” But then it takes so long and is so weird, that in the end people have no interest or are lucky when they got something. No one really motivated me to make my own company, showed me that it wasn’t all this difficult. Or that maybe people could work together. Instead it was almost as if work was already hard enough, so making a company must be harder. While usually it is the opposite, if you really know what you want. And when I was younger, I knew that.

But it was said, that I would first have to get a certificate or some kind of education to proof what I knew. What is complete bullshit because so many companies produce garbage and they can do it because they have enough people backing them and supporting them. And a lot of people working for them, because they don’t ask a lot questions if any at all.

After I went to one technical highschool / secondary school and did an apprentaceship in information technology, I can say, that I knew more than most people in the education system. And what I didn’t know, also wasn’t needed. And that this whole thing was completely outdated. I got there with a lot of questions, left with a lot of questions and whatever I should have learnt there I either already knew from YouTube videos or other websites and my own practice. So it was a waste of time for the most part.

The things I learnt in 6 years, could have been learnt in just some months. And so I still felt so pointless with my knowledge. Because the questions I had were unanswered. And I also felt as if asking these things, was also pointing a finger on me. As if I should know better from what I know. So if I don’t understand it now, than I won’t be able to understand it ever. Then I sold myself shorter and shorter and ended up selling myself like an idiot and I felt the same way.

No one would have expected me to be smart, highly creative, positive, optimistic or capable of understanding complicated science.

So I also told myself that it can’t be, my age and my background, I can’t know or understand these things, is what I told myself. And also that dumb people usually think they are smart. So I thought, then I actually must be dumb.

My computer usually was the only safe space I had since my childhood, when a cousin luckily his old one.

I know that I can achieve whatever I want, but I have almost no power to do so. And the power I try to build up often gets sucked up again by other people or when I get confronted with too much negativity or toxic positivity.

One of my uncles got left alone with his mental health struggles, I got left alone, so usually smart people or people who can’t speak. And then people who can speak sometimes are overdramatic. I mean, I would have no problem with it, if it wouldn’t be almost necessary to get help. But in my case it also wouldn’t have helped.

Mental health really isn’t a topic the people in Germany talk about. And even the world seems to not talk about Germany when it comes to these things. As if they know, that Germany is lost.

Don’t get it wrong, here are of course people working in this area and also people who care. But I think way too many people in this area are only “educated” helpers, which means, that they have almost no idea what they are talking about. Because words in a book, can’t really explain or give the feeling and understanding of what it is really like. And usually these things were written by people who probably had no idea how it is like either and just assumed from observation. Because what kind of advice is it, to tell someone that they should do more with friends? (In case the one who said it reads this, no offense, I like you and you are kind, tried your best and also just arrived there new in the job, it is not about you personally).

Because also another uncle had similar experiences. So many people in Germany experience wrong treatment, diagnoses and behavior. I met someone who was diagnosed with schizophrenia and something else (which wasn’t mentioned). And this from three different psychiatrists (or such people). But from what he said himself and how I sensed it, he just needed someone to talk, needed someone who spent time with him and tried to understand. He had a hard time, probably a lot of traumatic events and also a sensitive person. I wouldn’t have diagnosed him this way and instead would have said, that he needs to get away from religious people and do something with other people like him or me.

But instead he probably got some medication (whatever that was for) and sits at home for over a decade. Not able to live, work or feel good about anything and addicted to porn. He even tried smoking as well and making could consider other things. Why? Because he is f***ing depressed, left alone and misunderstood. So I don’t know about these three psychwhatever people, but I don’t know what they are doing. If I know more than them and I haven’t really paid attention to this. I simply observed, merged and analysed things. And over a period of one year + my rediscovered life experiences, I can probably tell more about these things than a lot of so called “professionals”.

So yes, people like me who are suffering or suffered from such things themselves, might actually be able to help more and give deeper understanding.

A big salute for all the mental health workers who know what I am talking about and those who are struggling! 💜

We will need all of you for the near future and already because there are so many things which are wrong in this world, the societies.

Most of these things come back to the topics work, school, government, economy, parents and society in general. If at home things are okay, it starts in school. If in school things might be okay, it could start at home. Or at work or because of stupid society “laws” / “rules”.

I personally would trust a person with metal, rock or punk clothing more than people with “proper” clothing. But in the end it is about what is inside. And most people are hiding inside. Scared because of all kinds of things.

People like me who have a strong will, seem to get broken by those who don’t have one or only a negative strong will. Mine was for the most part supportive. But I was also way too passive because whenever I got active, I got pushed back by people, situations and life in general.

I learned to accept it, but it just was too much to handle. So it didn’t help me, that my intelligent cover-up masking system tried to help me. Because then I really couldn’t get help. But now I could start helping myself.

And still, I sometimes rest or just lie in my bed and feel so damn lost.

As if whatever attempt to make things good again, either for myself or others will turn out bad in the end. It is hard and I still have way too often thoughts about going out of life. But again, compared to secondary school to now, I think I came pretty far. In secondary school I almost daily imagined myself to get hit by a car, fall down the stairs or jump down a bridge and such things. And now I usually don’t have these visual thoughts anymore (like little movie scenes or images). Actually most of the year I only got some negative and self-doubting thoughts. But I usually can fight back after some time. Sometimes it takes some hours, sometimes just a YouTube video which makes me feel less alone or sometimes it takes a walk outside or two days of processing. It depends. But some people now thought, that I would need help now and that I now seem to need help or am acting weird etc.

But the opposite is actually the case. I would have needed help and acted (mostly in secret and in my mind) weird all these years before, since my childhood. When people couldn’t and didn’t understand me nor help me.

So now, I am so strong, that I finally was able to break the masks and therefor willingly open up or hide. And because there sometimes still is damage, it could seem as if I would need help. But the reality is, that I survived most of my life with these things mostly on my own. My mother also couldn’t really help because she would have needed help on her own. But we both were too strong. And so others can’t help us. Because we are fighters. Strong in our case doesn’t mean, that we were fighting strong against help, it was more like, that the help was not helpful or even making things worse. So that we had to fight on our own and therefor somehow managed to handle things. Although we could have actually needed some support.

I don’t need someone to tell me what I should or could do. I would have needed someone who would have shown me that what I know was actually awesome and way ahead of others. Would have needed someone who would have given me a safe space and support for my dreams and also the feeling of safety. So that in case something would went wrong, I would have to deal with it on my own again, like usually.

But there was no one, so I gave up. It was easier because all this fighting seemed pointless. For highly sensitive people it is especially hard and others usually don’t get it because they think, that it can’t be possible to feel things this intense. When I told a doctor that I felt as if I got cancer, when I had to stay up and go to work, he asked whether I wanted to talk to my “friend” the psychiatrist. But it was a normal explanation of my feelings. And this doctor was actually nice and gave me two weeks off anyways, but I refused to talk about it, knowing that it didn’t help the last time.

So I am here, trying to do what I can to show how deep things can get.

How messed up things are and can be. And these professors and doctors don’t get it because they don’t understand how the world works.

They don’t think outside the box most of the time. If something is not “scientific” or has enough people backing it, it can’t be. As if all knowledge was always known. Just looking how people acting on Nikola Tesla and Albert Einstein in the past, should show how things work out. Not that good…

It is easier for scientists or whatever they call themselves, to stick to what they know, instead of investigating new things and experimenting. (And yes there are people actually doing this, what is good, but way too few I think.)

How should we develop as a species and gain actual knowledge, if we just stick to old things. Not meaning to forget them, but rather rethink things and revalidate them because of history. Whenever I hear “learn from the past”, I look at how the world works now and how it worked thousands of years ago and I almost see no difference. We only have new names, visuals and explanations for the same old problems. But actual love and caring could fix these things and still too many people seem to misinterpret, think it has to be the way it is now and all this mess…

What are we, monkies?

We have to face our inner demons. Either makes peace with them or fight them away. But ignoring them, will not solve the problems. Because we can’t win, if no one is facing their inner demons.

It needs some time, process and will power. But it is worth it.

Once they are all out, the good things show up again.