Sad, but necessary… :(

When I was little, things like so called immunity boosters and such things were already there, but that was that. I personally didn’t really believe them, but tried some of them out anyway. I basically took some of them because they tasted interesting and made me want to drink water, these Vitamin C fizzy tablets. Well, I really have a problem with not drinking water, even when my body screams for it. All related to this “I want to die” thing.

Okay, but for me personally, I didn’t really believe much in these, although sometimes it might have actually had a psychological effect, like with other things. You drink this magnesium tablet water and the cramp in the feet goes away. Although I of course also got the away without them, by simply moving the feet and maybe pressing them against the ground, until the body could mobilize some magnesium from elsewhere (or whatever was missing / wrong got fixed).

And yes, in beans, onion, lemon and other things are also very good things and even the tablets themselves say, that they are no replacement for food. So basically telling you, that you can use them and in case they actually have in them what they say, it might help in some way, but doesn’t mean that you usually should take them. At least in Germany and as far as I remember it has been this way.

I mean there even were these Actimel drinks sometimes being advertised and such things. I mean I tried them and other things, but of course knew they don’t really help or are useful in the long run. I mainly tried them because they tasted interesting and one got to try, I guess.

But in the ads they sometimes showed children getting big jackets and everything and then this Actimel drink, so they won’t get sick or whatever and it activates power of resistance. That even was or maybe still is their slogan or phrase, advertisement strategy: “Actimel aktiviert Abwehrkräfte!” (Actimel activates defensive forces / force of resistance).

Funny thing is, that also about some other medicine it was said, that it basically was some kind of dose of poison, so the actual immune system of the body would activate defensive forces, since one gotta defend against an attack. While others said, that some tablets / medicine was maybe actually helping and working, but then making the body depend on it and therefor actually decrease immunity and overall health.

Something like that actually happened to one of my aunts. At some point she got a lot of antibiotics and other medicine (broadwidth? – not specific for one thing, so basically like throwing a bomb to kill a fly or something). And later she got an immune system sickness in which the immune system basically attacked her. Then she tried a lot of things and I guess now it is okay again, through diverse nutrition and maybe some other things and changes in her life.

I mean, my problem is that I in general can’t live in this madness and often feel, think and act dumb and also are probably. But I mean, when you can’t really trust anyone, not even yourself, then it is pretty hard to survive, while also trying to die because of it. And this is sadly no joke… :/

And it really is, that often simple or rational solutions are the answer for most or all things.

It is just that it really depends on who and what.

Everyone can basically tell anything. And the sad part is, that at some point you get so paranoid, that you question your own existence or such things. Why? Because everything seems to burn in a way and people are just going with that, while I think, “The hell is happening, can’t we just do things which don’t end in all our death or fatal catastrophies?!”.

But the world goes:

And I thought, if you really need these things and want them, then why do you need a complex, faulty and dangerous thing to get them?

Besides various other reason why you shouldn’t use such things or get the labeled things.

And again, I wanted to kill myself and failed, so what does that say about humanity?

Some humans: I want to live.

Also humans: Give me!

Me: Why does death never listen…


People: So you didn’t really mean it, when you tried it.

What I suppose people who got to somehow love or like me think and feel: Please stay and help me want to stay here.

Or: Can you just stop writing like this, thanks. And finally do something.


Because one thing is clear, that if earth dies, like really dies then wie die with it.

Now you might think, that going away from earth might be a good idea and it might be possible, but what if your body is kinda bound to it because of some things like specific frequencies or just the plants and stuff?

You can of course build a ship or big house and place things in there, but then what?

I mean, wouldn’t it make more sense to first get this earth clean and natural again before we go out elsewhere or maybe destroy another planet because we already were pretty good in making this one a very messed up place…

And yes, I can get fooled as well, but you have to understand it.

When I consider someone as possibly good, then I of course want to trust them and communicate with them.

If someone then makes fun of me a lot, while not knowing what was going on inside me and around me and that I have a problem with trust, then this doesn’t help.

In some cases I had people who trusted me and I trusted them. And I hope I have that again now.

But I really have a problem with that. Because it is of course okay to make some jokes and all, but if it then stays with that, while the hell continues, then it only makes it worse for me.

I always had the ability to be my own friend, spend time alone with myself and be happy anyway.

That is not the problem. The problem is, that always being alone or feeling this way sucks and also seeing others work for others to get nothing, only dependencies sucks even more.

It really wasn’t a good idea to dive into the hell of others or try what they did, although I knew better. But it happened because it seemed never ending, this darkness, this pointless things and madness.

I mean, why wasn’t it okay that I play with my imagination, why wasn’t it okay to enjoy a walk through the woods while doing so? But I got told that imagination is not okay and playing with it is for children and so the walks were also not okay and basically anything because my whole life (more or less) was around this. If I would walk through a forest just looking at the over-simplified scenery, I would probably have the following going on inside of me:

Tree, Tree, bush, walking, bird, tree, big tree, warning branch in front of me, walking, more trees, walking.

Or something like that, I assume.

Because that would be radically avoiding imagination and only focus on the actual things, at least for me and how I understood it as a child. And then I thought, yea well, but then how do you do anything, if you don’t really think or imagine things? I mean, how would you be able to safe someone who fell down a deep hole? Would you say: “yeah well, they fell down there, we can’t do anything, let’s move on”

I mean, that is basically how it felt…

No, you would of course try to find either a rope or maybe a long branch somewhere or such things because you want to help them. And then you usually need something to get them out there, so imagination and creative thinking might be needed, depending on the situation. Or afterwards, so you might have something prepared for the next time. Well, or you just ignore the people in the hole and move forward (towards whatever) and let them die painfully. I mean, really? Are we like this? I thought otherwise, at some point I thought that we won’t leave anyone behind and try to find a way to safe or help them. But I have seen a lot of other things, sadly.

I mean a teacher in secondary school told us about and maybe even showed us a video of a young girl who made a video calling for help and that she felt miserable. And people were either joking around or even telling her to do it or whatever and then she killed herself.

And I sadly see more of that, instead of none or less cases.

It then also sometimes is not clear anymore whether people are faking something or not.

The problem again I was talking about.

Some people just like to fool others and it happens.

But if then someone might actually call for help in slightly similar way as someone else made a joke, it might end up deadly. And for me it was of course that I would first assume someone really needs help, no matter what others say or write. Because I know how I have changed, what kinds of things I have done or acted and so on. So in my case joking about death was not because I had fun or wanted to joke or something, I just thought, that it would be pointless to seriously not want to die, since I always got told that I have to, but work very hard until I do die, which made no sense. And again, should I really die, then okay, but first I wanted to see what else might be possible, without all this oppression and confusion or manipulation going on.

I mean you are basically seen as crazy or stupid or whatever, when you don’t want to use a car, bus or something and instead either ride a bike or walk. People often don’t even understand it. My own mother tells me that we need a car, otherwise we won’t be able to buy things. And I mean, I walked 30 or something kilometers with a backpack. And I mean the town is like 4 kilometers away or something. An easy walk, I also sometimes walked home from there with a bag full of clothes and stuff, which was around 6 kg in weight (sorry I am not a fire fighter with 30 kg, I know). And I mean it depends on why you want to buy and actually need and so on, but 6 kg is not that much, but for me being not trained, not healthy, wanting to die and being exhausted, it was pretty heavy. And I did get that load home anyway.

The thing is that usually you might also be able to go with others and then the weight could be either splitted or someone carries it for a while, than someone else and so on. There are different ways.

I mean at some point people had to do it this way since there were either only their animals or their own backs and hands. In a period of around hundred years (in some cases) people went from “man, this is easy” to “I need a car to carry that.” Besides a lot of other things which made not much sense. All related to time, speed and the need for more of things.

For example, in my town there was a train to the next town. It wasn’t the fastest and you could ride next to it with a bike. But some elderly people or those who couldn’t walk on their own that easy, could take the train to get to the next village or the next bigger town. It took an hour or something and also didn’t drive all the time. But to get to the town maybe in the afternoon and drive home in the evening it was perfect. With a car you only need around 15-20 minutes. And if you are crazy maybe 10 minutes or something (basically ignoring everyone’s safety). And we are not talking about whether the train was good or bad or built during a time in which we had still some separate kingdoms in Germany, which was the “Kaiserreich” back then (or whatever).

It is just, that people could ride with their bike or use the train. But then the cars and buses came and all of a sudden everything was faster and in 1967 the last train drove down there, while before it was even used for testing other trains. But yes… and no, I don’t need the train back. I mean, what changed? Instead of taking some time and effort, people just drive up and down these roads the whole day, usually feeling not that good or just try to find something or go somewhere.

Before that, this train might have even been a little of an adventure (besides the steam and coal). It even went through some forest parts at some points and next to a house wall. Which was dangerously close at times.

But everything was a little slower and probably easier when it came to stress.

Again, we are not talking about politics or such things.

Back then it was still normal for people to walk everywhere. Going up the hill of the town was normal, I mean my grandfather’s relative, an old lady was 96 when she died and lived up there and still walked up and down these roads and stairs. While young people were probably already driving up or down there with their cars or motorcycles and such things. She even could use a sled in the town because of the heavy snow fall and they also went to school or elsewhere like this in winter. And now we don’t even have that much snow usually in the town and also not much in the village, just hundred years later. The roads are cleaned and salted (against the ice) and there is rarely a moment in which a road was or is blockd because of snow. It happened one time when I was little, that the main road was blocked because the snowplow wasn’t fast enough and it spontaneously started to snow very strong. Perfect for children, but not for cars and trucks and people who hate snow.

I am so happy that we had snow again this winter, but it usually just stays for a few weeks and also isn’t that much. Just a few centimeter. Half a meter is almost luxus, mainly found in the forest or some higher places, without much sun light or other environmental influences.

A swan with great sorrow

It is also interesting, that I got told, that in Hessen (where this was said to have taken place), the old law of the kingdom still includes death as a form of punishment. But since the union law is on top of it, this is not the case and no one really cared for it anyway, I guess, since it was invalid and who wants to change a hundred (or something) year old book anyway. But it reminds me of another country.

And don’t forget all the other problems we have. Young people (mainly women) who either get forced or somehow dragged into all kinds of things which aren’t good for them and good in any way.

It is horrible and painful in either way, when you understand it and know about all of these things.

What people do to each other or themselves to survive or also because they see no other way or maybe some also don’t want to have another way.

People die like this, take drugs and other things to somehow handle it.

I just want to vomit and die because of all these things.

But you know what? It won’t change a thing.

Just watching this makes me want to throw up and I guess you know why.

There shouldn’t be the need for such things or even the thought because why the hell?

But these men there, those who go there and have a good time or whatever, don’t they have hearts?

I mean this one guy: “… I don’t have time for going with them anywhere and pay a lot …” (or what he said). I mean HHEEEEEEELLLLPP. This sounded like: “I don’t want to waste time for something which I don’t care about anyway.” And this said about women and fellow human beings and then even promoted it or thought it was normal and okay.

You know my story, that a part of me was like a woman and feels more like that and the other part being a confused broken male. And that I partially tortured and enjoyed watching porn. Of which the guilt was actually welcomed, since I wanted to make myself want to die and it didn’t seem to make any difference to live or die anyway back then, since it all seemed like death for me.

And like Daniel in Stargate, I actually didn’t want anything like that. I didn’t want that people do something out of a must or a weird cultural, economic or whatever reason. So it was only normal for me that Daniel told the daughter of the major / leader of that primitive seeming culture on that other planet, to keep her clothes on and instead wanted to talk with her and ask her things. And then she even was able to show him the old writings and such things of the old “gods” and stuff who ruled over them and they were able to speak on language, so he even stayed there to teach them some things, instead of other things.

There are all these psychological dependencies and fears or even normalities of things which are very weird and abnormal. For me, I basically see all these girls and women cry, even if they don’t or might actually think it is a good way of earning a living. Like I wrote here before about a pornstar. She said in an interview that she actually wanted to help people and do something psychology related and then ended up working as pornstar. In a way maybe doing what she wanted to do there or through that, but it really is not what she should have had to do.