Te Joke s on you.

What happens when you change the 8? – ❣️

But you know the answer.

And are you a serial killer, when you know how they think?

Ask the authors of stories you heard, or maybe not.

Facing horror is better than ignoring it.

Creating horror stories is better than living them.

Being a nightmare might seem better than being trapped in a nightmare.

Is it worth to kill, when you could do so many things instead? Better things?

For me it is clear, it isn’t worth to take a life.

For me is now clear (again), it isn’t worth to end your own.

Sadly ending your own, is harder to face.

When you feel the guilt others put onto you to ignore their own, you feel as if it has to be.

And when you want to live, but noone else does or seems to accept it, it hurts.

It is easier for me to end my life, than to take another life.

But in two days one year is over, after the most critical attempt to take my own.

And just a few weeks ago, I was about to beat up my father, probably for the first time.

Both things I never thought would be possible, since I knew better before, felt and new it was wrong, not helpful. But you have not many options when everywhere you might go, you will be either hated, feared, fooled or all life will be sucked out of you.

The more I did what others wanted, needed, thought was right or necessary, the more I got aggressive, angry, hurt and numb.

I don’t know how I managed to not let happen what could have happened and how compared to the possible impact, the actual damage was minimal. Maybe even long forgotten. At least those things which happened out of me losing my mind, myself and the will to take every blame, hate and laughter.

People in their ignorance turned me into something worse.

Luckily, I could use it learn and then reject it, since I never wanted it.

Know how a serial killer thinks, a psychopath, sociopath or just a basic killer, makes you wonder why it took us so long to understand it and maybe stop it?

I got reminded of a german movie I watched some years ago.

It was about a boy who went on a killing spree in his school. Now before you think it was like TV presents it and it often seems, it wasn’t.

In this movie they showed what made him do it and what people did. And how instead of learning, realizing or trying to understand they continued as usual. They sprayed words on his parents house, spit at them and such things. But one of the teachers mentioned that he actually saw things which others didn’t. Had an eye for nature, actual beauty, art, music and other things and that he was never making trouble.

I don’t remember most of the other things, just that this movie tried to make visible that sometimes good people can get to a point at which they see no escape anymore, other than ending things in such ways…

Well, I also thought about such things, but when I thought about it, I knew I would never actually want to kill anyone. When I imagined it, I just thought, that I might would want to scare everyone until they realize what they had done to me all the time. And then walk away or face the consequences. But I knew it wouldn’t change a thing, at least not like this, so I was trapped again. Ironically during the time I thought about it, the “Amokalarm” (alarm to warn in case of a shooting) went off a few times. Luckily it was never an actual event and some techniciens or whoever accidentally triggered it (or maybe on purpose?).

One time we were hiding under our metal tables in the physics room.

I even heard from other classes, that some teachers just had locked the doors, while some students where still on the hall way, just leaving them out there. Maybe they have learnt a few things? Probably not… Or did they?

What is necessary to make someone realize?

It feels that all what I fear and scared myself with and let me be scared, only made me weaker and then stronger only to make me weaker again. While for me weakness and strength are things which go hand in hand, from time to time.

If you have darkness and light on your side and nature as your friend, who is there to stand in your way?

Do you know what is interesting?

The bible says that God spits out those who are lukewarm (in some translations) or did they mean half-hearted? When you now take those who are on edge or who stay between good and bad, does it mean that they are hated by the God of the bible?

Of course only if you take it literal and also take everything for the only truth and so on.

If you read the bible in different forms (or just some of it) and then instead of taking everything serious (while some of it might actually be pretty interesting on second thought), you see the irony and parody of itself, it might even be funny.

Because why is it okay to have good and bad people as they are, but people who stand between the line are bad?

Maybe because they see the world for what it really is or at least a part of it others can’t or don’t want to see?

So wouldn’t it make them some kind of God then? As if they use magic, or do they?

And if I would be the one with this sight or ability, I wouldn’t want anyone to see or be able to do what I do, would I? Well I wanted and yet I hoped it wouldn’t be necessary.

Either way, whatever the original intention was by these or some other words, I see it more as a frustrated act and partial riddle, rather than a statement. Since the other words said something like: And the good will keep on doing good and the bad keep on doing bad.

If you understand it more like a cry for help, rather than a wish, maybe you see that people in ancient times saw similar things than some of us see now (again?).

So really, don’t judge a book by its cover or what others relate to it. And never forget, humans put together several scrolls, books, letters and such to form something they could use to make people follow them and do what they want. Not even understanding the actual value or madness of it.

Not to forget, that a lot of books and scrolls were rejected, since they didn’t fit their “believes” or image they wanted to present.

There even were stories about people using magic or magic like things. Interesting.

The same book says magic is evil.

Then you see Jesus used what you could call magic and all of a sudden it is good?

Then you read Jesus called people who read in scrolls and judge others snakes.

Only to see the same people tell that they should pray to Jesus, while they just use it as an excuse (at least in most cases) or simply don’t understand that Jesus would have hated his own Religion. Irony, parody, madness.

And I mean, in case he existed, he might be thinking the same right now.

Or like: “Dude, you read my mind. If I would have just known back then…”

You never know, right? 😀

When you see that you can do good by doing bad things in an appropriate way, you understand that there is only what you are willing, want to do or let happen to yourself or others.

And when you know that you might not want to be bad, but have darkness within you, since you received all the darkness which surrounds you/us, why not make the best of it in a good way?

Scaring the shit out of someone might be better than actually harming them, since there is no point in it.

If it wouldn’t be necessary, we could all just live and enjoy ourselves and each others presence.

Playing a war game can be fun, actual war is brutal, pointless and horror.

Playing a keyboard can feel like throwing spears into everyone who hurt you, actually doing that will never give you what you want.

I hope we have an understanding here.

In order to live and survive and be able to actually live, you have to learn the war path and all the others to be able to understand, feel and hopefully reject it. Since it could happen anyway, but if you can experience while not actually living it, you know why it is good to be alive and make others want to live as well, trying to help them, support them if they need it or show them this or that.

Some games do it, some stories do it, some movies and such.

You experience something, like war, brutal violence, psychological horror and endless fear through these things, but instead of an actual experience, you can turn it off when you want (or someone else, when it might be necessary). Unlike in the world we live in, in which usually things “just” happen and then you have to live with them somehow or die with them or both.

This is why it is always good to know that you are not alone and that it is possible to speak about things with being “silenced”, completely ignored or other things.

And only because you might know how to kill, it doesn’t mean you have to.

Otherwise a soldier, policeman and author of some horror or detective stories, should be taken into custodiy and some other people. *Moves with the finger around the world* To not name someone in particular. Okay, not everyone, but I hope you get the point.

In this case the sentence: “Why would someone do that?” Might actually make sense, sadly often innocent people still get into prison or other things happen to them. Or they simply get psychologically tortured passively untill they freak out, while actually the other people are crazy (as well?).

Who would you trust more?

Someone who can explain to you how to kill something or someone in multiple forms or the news reporter, telling you, that everything is alright?

Neither of those might be trustworthy or should be easily believed, but it depends on your own ability to see, understand and how and who you are.

As I mentioned before, I like to know my enemy, so I know what I don’t want to be and also what to expect.

I hate it, when I don’t know what or who someone might be, until I open up and see they can’t handle me or might even want to lock me away.

So I would give the news reporter a chance, since sometimes even they tell a true story and know that I should keep an eye on the one with the killing stories. But I could trust both or fear both of them equaliy, at least I know that the one with the killing stories might be less likely to actually kill me, when they know I might be able to say the same as they do.

So ironically the murderer scares me less than the news reporter, to just name one example and also doesn’t mean that it works like this. It still is about the people, the indivium. Otherwise we would have a big problem, to say the least.

And just to make this clear, I am not telling that I like it when people kill others or animals. But I can understand it and I feel more comfortable, knowing someone tells the truth, instead of lying. Since I hated it when I had to lie because people didn’t want to know the truth, until I hated myself so much that I almost believed the lies they told, I had to tell and others created.

Shame on me for wanting to live, to have friends and feel good and that I wanted to make people live instead of die or make others want to die or even end their lives. Shame on me and punishment for me, that I wanted this.

So I had to almost become a monster or sometimes seem like one, to protect myself and others.

But did I really do much? No… Which makes me hate myself even more.

But since I know that no matter what I hate or not, things will happen, I can use the hate against myself as a weapon to fight back. Sounds weird and unhealthy and trust me, it is. Sadly I have not many choices because what I learned from childhood on was to hate myself or be a problem. Although I knew that it was not true (at first). The interesting thing was, that when I hated myself so much, that I thought I could finally end my life by confessing my darkest secrets to someone else, I almost did it. Then I realized that I was meant to see these things, but to reject them and that I couldn’t handle them.

It was so messed up that my wish to die to be gone and not anyones burden or problem anymore, made me want to live. Since I thought that confessing what scared me, what I did or didn’t understand, but thought or dreamed, would give me the last hit (actually did).

You know, the worst part is, that I keep wondering whether it was the right choice for everyone else or at least those who might have needed me or still need me. It is a horrible thought, but is it a thought you would find in people who are considered as dangerous and evil? Isn’t it that they usually think about themselves?

In case I have already lived, maybe multiple times, then I don’t know what I did or didn’t do. But I might have been a coward. Either way, I am not done here and maybe never, but I don’t want everyone to be equal, like robots or such things, I want that unique and wonderful people can be free and others to see.

When is the point where the good soul crossed the line and turned evil? Or didn’t it even by doing evil?

When is a choice yours and when is it running out of hands?

I usually was strong enough to not do horrible things and tried to do them to myself or at least see and feel them, instead of others who made me think and feel in these ways sometimes.

And it could give hope to those who long lost hope.

Most of my life I tried to remove all my hope, since it all made no sense anyway and others also didn’t want this hope it seemed.

I was emotionally dead half of my life if not longer and heart broken, probably from childhood on. Only understood love as something special, unsure and complex or weird. And also weren’t sure about feeling things, since even pain was sometimes just numb, not existing or even felt good, since it made me realize that I was still here.

Because it only got more and more pain, harder and harder to breath, I thought that this was it. I thought finally it is over or that I couldn’t take it anymore.

But then I woke up, slowly, each day a little more. Sometimes fell asleep again, get confused, even now.

Almost one year since this life changing day. Without last year, I wouldn’t have survived this year, especially when I would have wanted to.

The more I cherished and wished for death, the nearer I got (back) to life.

And when I had the heaviest recall of my knowledge and self, I needed a few days or weeks to calm down. It was good that I wasn’t completely alone and that my mother already went through something similar before. So she could help me, although at this point I was even scared of her. I just knew in the back of my head, that she was on my side, so I knew I must be safe, although everything else said I was in danger.

I wasn’t and am not, because it isn’t her, not she is or was the danger. But we both still are and feel trapped.

We have different opinions on things, but had a deep connection when I was younger, before she had to work, since my father didn’t want to anymore, but also didn’t want to go somewhere else and also not let us live.

This year we slowly found back to this special connection. Sitting together watching fairytales or sci-fi and things about the confusion of life. To laugh about silly things, child stories and cheer each other up, instead of dragging our moods down. Making coffee, pudding or tea for each other.

When I was around 6 I told my mother that an angel told me that I should protect her. I still don’t know whether I just told her that, I dreamed it or what happened. But I really had to protect her and be on her side.

Without me, she would have long lost hope and without her, I wouldn’t be.

The only one who never really understood or wanted to learn or change was my father.

I knew that different kinds of input can help you to sort your brain and other things.

So unconsciously or consciously I knew what I had to do to help myself and process all of it (or do it again, when there is the need for it again). And it always worked. Sadly he usually refused to listen or watch anything which wasn’t in a specific pattern and known to him in some way. Interestingly the few times he didn’t, he even seemed happier, more like he must have been without all what happened to him (in his childhood and younger years). If I could just make him listen and see to help him… but I didn’t got many chances and he can’t understand it. I also didn’t understand it just a year ago, being trapped in the cycle of doom and death as an accepted thing, since life seemed pointless and unwanted anyway by others and then myself. The shock to feel my heart beat was so immense that I thought it will stop beating. It must have been a mixture of adrenaline and blank fear together, while it was the trial of my love for life to come through, to face my misery and help those (or at least give them something instead of nothing) who stand with me in this fight. Either alone on their own, somewhere out there or not far from me, maybe in a way right next to me.

For me it doesn’t matter whether I stand or fall, as long as I know, it wasn’t all for nothing. And the good thing is, that it never is. Even if I won’t see the good part myself, at least I tried with what I could and thought might help. I actually thought similar some times when I was back in school. Or that at least I could tell what is wrong by living this way, like an observer or reporter. But I always thought it wouldn’t matter anyway, wouldn’t be seen nor heard or interest anyone. Pointless it all seemed until I believed it again and again.

At the end of the day it was harder and seemingly impossible to do good and might mean my end, but was worth it, while wishing my death was easier, like ignoring everything, until there was only death.

It is then when you realize, that doing something good gives you hope.

Because when you were about to die, either by your own hand or for other reasons, you can wake up again and then you have to fight and decide.

And these words confused, terrified and hurt me, since it always seemed wrong what I did or decided, since every choice seemed to either be ignored or lead me into even more misery or others or alltogther.

But it wasn’t meant to be this way, not meant to end in misery.

And at first I tried to fight to make others not do the same mistakes, then to not freak out, to feel everything again and see clearer to all the fog which was around me. Both what I wanted and what others or something put there as well.

And like the kingdom of 1000 years, just a day.

I hope you know what it means.

Wel… live my friends, live and support each other and don’t forget yourselves.

Together we stand, together we fight. And like in some stories, the weaker ones should come into the middle, while the stronger ones should stay around them. Like trees in an actual forest, united, different and one and yet many.

Or like a german saying goes: “Du siehst den Wald vor lauter Bäumen nicht.”

Basically telling that because of all the trees you don’t see the forest.

And when you take it for life and us humans, maybe you understand what it tries to say.

Sounds and words can be better weapons than violent ones.

They seem without power, while all the power lies within these lines and sounds and waves.

The pressued air of a roaring gunning, of an explosion or fist in your face, they can destroy matter, bodies and make voices stop screaming, singing, talking, but can’t take away what the said and sang. Can’t take away what it gave before ir stopped, when it was made to stop.

A gun can break, can fail and get empty and shouldn’t be, but words and sounds both good and bad, can stay forever or come back again. Like an echo long forgotten, hitting walls in outer space. Or just your room.