Depressing, but understandable “story” telling

! 18+ WARNING – CRITICAL TOPICS !

Like Kafka has written his stories from his perspectives or a view of someone who feels lost and alone, it was depressing. On the other hand of course it gave someone with similar thoughts, perspectives and feelings some kind of small hope. As in “What happened once, could also happen again.”, meaning that if one human was able to write and see this way, others could do that as well.

For me this kind of story telling was usually making me feel additionally depressed or sometimes feeling the need to break out of a cage or something. Would have been a good thing after all, but yea…

When a story (be it a movie script or actual book) was just starting with one main character who had to somehow fight everything alone, but then found friends and others who had similar experiences or thoughts, it turned into something motivating and actually worked against depression.

It was still pretty heavy sometimes to read or see / hear some of the stories, but at least this way it was possible to think about it. And usually the intention of the author(s) wasn’t to make someone go crazy or feel alone, otherwise that would have been a very bad “fan-base” decision. 😀 But I guess sometimes you have to risk it, since it is also up to the reader / viewer what they want to consume. At least that should be the case.

In the “reality” programs we get put into (e.g. school, church, society, …), we often or most of the time get told, that we are safe, have a lot of possibilites to get help, to live or make our dreams come true and such things and most importantly, that we are not alone. Which is in fact true, but makes no sense in the context of actual reality, when you understand that no one really believes you and you actually can’t really do what you want. At least not when others should be around, so you have to do it alone or can’t at all. The worst part is, that this of course can then lead to fully going crazy and messing with your mind and heart and overall health. Because you end up in a situation in which you have to “make everything up” with yourself (or how that is called), to handle everything on your own and decide what is true and what isn’t etc.

This way you then could be easily manipulated or get into ways of thinking which could be dangerous (suicidal thoughts, aggressive, …). The reason is pretty obvious, when you are alone you get stressed and also have to check for your safety / security yourself, so you could be highly alerted all the time, like some wild animals. This is not healthy and also can cause an early death. For example in my case I often had adrenaline or something running through my body. This would then also not let me sleep well, made me available for aggression or (negative) impulsive actions. The worst (yea I often say “THE WORST” and then write something else as it ^^ my bad) is, that you then will be told that there are a lot of people who want to help you or can be there and that you aren’t alone with what makes you feel or think this way. In some cases it might be true, but when you can’t speak about topics like “money is slavery” or “the earth is burning” or “we are in a dystopian world (in a way)”, then you are “alone”. At least with those you thought or got told you could share everything and get help from, since they are often part of it themselves.

This is why 7-8 billion people (or how many there actually are, since some might not be counted), are living and accepting this, why it actually is like accepting a gun in your face. The behave as if it is normal that someone points a gun on their face or neck, like: “I have nothing to hide and therefor nothing to fear.”. Probably that is what the people in concentration camps thought, since they were often naked when they died. I mean, I am just saying… you know…

I personally was running around naked a few times when I was a child, but actually already should have accepted clothes and was wearing them normally. I personally, as said before, would preffer to keep some clothes on, since they can keep me warm in cold times and also express my feelings or just look cool. But when you can’t accept someone who doesn’t want to wear them (for whatever reason), why would that be a problem?

Some people could now argue, but the kids, what about the kids!!!

Well, I don’t know what you taught them or showed them, but I mean we see “naked” animals all the time, don’t we? Okay, well some people even dress up their pets, but hey. So should we now give them all clothes because you could see something natural? Okay, maybe these days “natural” is a relative word, since a lot of things are called or labeled this way, only to sell stuff, I know.

What I try to tell is, that for example I have seen some people walking around just with body paint, so they had no clothes on or maybe just underwear. They were walking through a crowd of “busy” people and no one noticed it. Why? Well, they had painted a shirt and trousers on their body and such things, so they looked as if they had clothes on, when you didn’t look twice. But most people were so busy that they didn’t even see it. Interestingly enough, some of they might have gotten confused or distracted, would they have known that they had no clothes on. Well, it were women, since for men this is a little more “difficult”, but yea…

For example, when a dog gets a young baby and is a lovely dog mother, then it could be that she will adopt this young cat and care for it as if it was their own. And the cat baby would take her for her mother, when she had nothing / no one else. This would be totally fine, well at least for the parenting part, since as long as they both have someone to go to and can call family who cares, where is the problem?

The problem with these things are relations and learned patterns, for example that dogs will eat or attack cats or that people without clothes (or just a few) are prostitues (or outlaws) and by showing it like this say that they want sex or support anything related to it. But at the end of the day, this is usually what you associate with it or some people maybe want. Since that is more “practical”, because then they could blame the victim again, as in “She asked for it, sir. I just couldn’t resist. It wasn’t my fault.”. Or whatever some people say about them raping (or in other ways abusing, using and breaking) others.

I think that someone who undresses themselves as a form of revolution or demonstration, while not supporting anything with it, could have a deep understanding of history, evolution and a lot of social and society related problems and misconceptions (to not say brainwashing all the time).

You know, sometimes I have heard people joke about porn, for example: “I am just watching it for educational purposes.” or such things. I didn’t understand what they meant and since they laughed about it and also seemed to be joking, I didn’t think much of it. I was also very broken and a lot of people said different things. Wrong friends, broken brain patterns, feeling lost (you know the story). But interestingly enough, as stated before, I have seen some porn (related) videos in the past, which were actually in a way educational. Not what you maybe think, I you might think I meant. For example this body painting experiment, since it would not have been allowed on YouTube or other platforms, since it was showing people without clothes.

You also should know that since I felt often more like a girl and also behaved this way, according to my class mates, I have seen myself as the women and the men. So technically, I was wanting to rape or hurt myself. Which is paradox and also nothing you should usually want, but based on trauma and confusion.

So in a way I loved to see when women got hurt, because that was how I felt. Often I even saw myself in their position (for the mentioned reasons in my life). And I was said about it and also hurt and didn’t want it. But on the other side was addicted, since this way I at least had a way to stay calm in school, at work or with other people. The alternative would have been hurting myself physically or torturing my mind in other forms I still sometimes did, since I was feeling as if I deserved all that anyway and I was broken. Should someone see anything I mention as an excuse statement or trial to justify something, then please leave the room or read it again or maybe more about these things, so you at least can actually see the full(er) picture.

Because the positive part about watching porn (or porn related things) was, that I would usually remember everything. Okay, that would actually be a bad thing, considering as a form of psychological self-harm, but yea.. What I mean is, that I can and could also remember some of the interviews (what I mentioned before) and the faces and some stories of pornstars (or those who were in the video). Talking about things they said, which weren’t in a script or if so, then intentional. Because whether it was meant this way or not, some forms of so called “dirty talk” meantioned problems. But since it was part of a porn video or something, it could be just seen as a form of entertainment and like an interesting way to get a feeling of interaction. Like with some movies or games for example, where the fourth wall gets broken (or at least it was tried). Because the words in the videos are of course pointed towards the viewer, since it is clear that the video will be published. And even if not, at least towards those who usually should see that it is not normal.

Since some people also have not much of a choice maybe or got into these things through some people or things they got told or convinced of, it would be wrong to call it their fault or say that they wanted that. Even if that should in a few cases be true. When you see it from another perspective, you understand that as a woman you usually have not much of a choice in life. (Or people who want to actually be free and were meant to be free.)

So, as bad as it sounds, they can only decide how to handle a situation or maybe in some cases choose the smaller evil, if you understand. A lot of the time making them give up on themselves. But there have been a lot of women who used their position in a wise way or even just played roles, happened all the time in history.

The “typical” woman is expected to be well-behaved, more silent, family oriented or if not that, then career oriented and in some cases also willing to have sex with a lot of people, they might not even know, if you understand.

And a “typical” man is usually expected to work hard and also have his woman or women under certain control. While of course from outside everything has to look normal (for me, average and accepted by society).

So when you for example might be either (half-willingly or forced) find yourself in the porn industry or sex industry, you might not be able to easily excape it (for various reasons) or also die because of it. But since it could be watched by people (like me), it could maybe reach someone out there who might see that something is wrong. For you it might be completely obvious that it is wrong, but then again, it was also said to be normal that in some eastern countries parents sell their children (usually girls) or also got convinced that they would get good jobs and security (or whatever), only to end up in a sex ring or other form of human trafficking. Sometimes with or without the knowledge of the relatives. And while in Germany or the U.S. some people might (already) do such things out of “free will”, others get forced into it. So knowing that some of it might end up online and could also be seen by someone who isn’t fully abnormal (is still having a heart or at least some sense of something related to it), is giving them hope that maybe at some point there could be help. So these people (usually women), being in the situation willingly or not, could use this “medium” as a form of education, call for help, while giving the others what they want. For example that they dress a certain way, talk a certain way or do things they want, while maybe (when they want and can), hiding messages in there.

We are “talking” about this here, not because I now want you to watch porn or something, if it would be just up to me, I would have long said that all of this shit should be gone, that money should be illegal and anything similar to it and big industries and people who play god should finally be locked away, like they did to others who were brave enough to at least try to speak up against them or even fight them.

For example a good Netflix series (related to injustice) is “Seven seconds”. It also tells that some girls might get into this because they had no freedom in their life, maybe no real friends or got into other problems like drugs and such things because of that. So they needed money or just didn’t know what happened with their life. Because it is very common to blame a victim. (In case I did that accidentally, that wasn’t my intention, but sometimes it might hurt more at first, until it can get better.)

I have for example also seen some women (or also other people) demonstrate related to freedom of sex (labour) and such things. Comments on such videos (at least on YouTube) were, that they probably just do that because their “pimps” told them to do so. Or if not, that they might not know what they are doing.

Because even if they might do it out of their own choice (in a way), since they got convinced that it is a normal thing to sell themselves for money, to get some kind of “freedom”, it is still supporting something bad.

To tell some more stories. I have heard from women who were for example taken from other countries and then also used as sex slaves or prostitues in Germany (or other “civilized” countries). And some of them could escape this hell through one of the clients or some people who pretended to be a client, but actually tried to help somehow. Some of them even married later and then maybe even tried to fight against it in some way. Because at the end of the day we are all just humans, people and often still some kind of children or teenagers who got thrown into this hell of a world. I mean the age of someone doesn’t say something about their “growth” or ability to actually take responsibility for their actions nor understand what actually happens.

I personally would say, that someone is just a so called “grown up”, when they really have the “big picture”, meaning they know everything what happens in the actual world we live in. Or at least has an idea of it and tries to do something to change things based on that. Sadly I usually see that these abilites are way more common in children and teenagers than actual “adults”. Again, adultery = adult, if you ask me.

For me as a child all this information and knowledge and understanding was just too much. And then all the additional stress, trauma and what the hell … happened with and around me. I really don’t know sometimes how I could cope (or how they say) all of this. So yes, I needed some drug to somehow be able to handle it and on the other hand also tried to hurt myself and maybe do something which seemed okay. In my case it came to porn and masturbation, since it often had a day long lasting effect of calming me down and also feeling better, due to the chemicals and kind of stress relief. And yes, you know that I really don’t want all of that mess, but after all it helped me. I chose this also because it was often said to be “okay” and normal. Well, either way, I knew that it wouldn’t harm my body or was even called healthy by some (no shit). Would I have chosen the alternative, then I would have probably started to smoke or cut myself or such things. So a psychological torture related with chemical relief seemed like something with which I could survive longer and invisibly hurt myself, while on the other hand needing and partially enjoying the feeling (as weird as it might sound…). I guess that is what usually happens with addictions. Only that it was more complex and complicated in my case, I assume. As weird as it sounds, this way I also felt more near to those I actually wanted to help, although I knew (or thought) I would never be able to. And also sometimes didn’t know anymore that I wanted or should help. I often felt a (broken) warmth watching partially or fully naked women. But for example what I usually hated and feel disgust against (yes, there can be more disgust than reading me write about my problems…) were plastic surgeries, make-up and other forms of altered body parts or skin etc. at least when it was (probably) intended to attract men (or whoever else is attracted by it or wants that). Since childhood I didn’t like it when people altered their appearance in any way because for me that made not only no sense, but usually was actually looking worse than they might have looked before. Just to meet a certain standard or expectation or because it was said to be necessary or whatever…

When someone has an actual problem which might only be or was (at the time) only able to be helped with via some surgery or something, that is something different. Because someone who had burned skin or something is a completely other story. An aunt also burned some of her knee during work some decades ago, in the good old USSR. They had a heating tube in the middle of the room and “electric iron” (to flatten clothes) which weren’t really secured. So somehow she got electrized and then fell on this hot tube tith her knee, unable to move with foam coming out of her mouth (due to the electric / chemical reaction in her body). My mother was worker there with her, together with a lot of other women, flattening expensive coats and other things for people in the west or other “important” people. Luckily some people were fast and got the electricity down and brought my aunt back to life. But the authorities later didn’t pay much attention to the case and probably tried to blame the people working there for not working properly or whatever. My aunt also needed a surgery to replace the burned skin with healthy skin from another part of her body (when I remember correct).

Back to the other topic.

I for example had no problem with people having tattoos or such things, but it depended on what it was. Some people had birds, others flowers or angel wings or animals and such things. It even was cool and felt somewhat good to see these things, although in the context of all this madness.

Did you know that it was actually uncommon for pornstars (or other people) with tattoos to be supported or filmed or then watched? Probably because they weren’t “pure” enough for some people or could accidentally spread unwanted messages this way. I mean I suppose that some people even showed actual scenes and stories to represent society and criticise it, rather than supporting it. Or just did it, because it was wanted.

So when you don’t give these people a voice, you have no idea what happens in the world.

Because if you can’t accept, that there have been people who tried to make safe and “women friendly” porn, then you basically support the problem. Even a small step into the right direction is better than staying at one point all the time or even running away backwards the whole time, just because something doesn’t fit in someone’s “world view” (or whatever they think, believe or got told how the world is). Not talking about what should be, but yea… I mean some parents try to protect their children (or think they do) with not talking about such topics. Or because they maybe believe that they aren’t old enough.

I personally have seen porn in elementary school the first time. Looking back on that, I think my friend back then tried to show me that it was crazy and also wanted to ask for help, but I didn’t really understand and was just confused and irritated. He also showed me Michael Jackson music videos, Lady Gaga etc. and back then I was somehow interested in what he showed me or tried to understand. I guess he had seen what I haven’t seen at that point and actually was even more intelligent in some point than I was. But like I myself, also couldn’t talk about it, so he tried to show me. I found out about some things this way and also on my own later or again, since I again and again tried to forget, erase or distract myself from it. Which happened sometimes, mainly when I just gave up or in and let everything just happen (which is what is wanted, so no one does something about it).

In school he was not so good and present, already in elementary school, while I still tried to be present and do things, but also already started to lower that in the last year for various reasons, of which one was the realisation of my slavery life and that I will have to go to hell in either way.

If you can’t trust someone with a certain addiction, then you are either part of the problem or are so naive that you could actually have a shock or something after reading some of the things which are happening all around you. I can’t blame you and also don’t want you, since this happens and happened to a lot of us.

And although I write against all these things and try to fight against it in a way (although it is not much I do, I guess), I still have a psychological and even physical relation towards porn or sex and violence. Writing about these things not only involves seeing “video like” scenes in front of my (inner) eye or kind of reliving these moments, but also because of the still partially active relations getting sexual reactions, to say “horny” in other words.

If you look in nature, at least some of what might be still natural, then the sexual act is usually meant for reproduction and often even isn’t such a big deal or even interesting. For some animals just a matter of seconds, when I remember correct. So it might actually be natural for humans as well, at least when they were not “trained” or “learned” to make it something else. And according to a biology teacher I had, a smaller penis is actually better. She stated that it otherwise hurts a woman (since we were talking in class about the basic reproduction things). This way she tried to somehow make boys feel okay about themselves, when they shouldn’t be like the society expectations.

Because in some movies, like actual movies in TV or cinema etc. you or others get shown or told that a man and woman have to behave, look and have certain “qualities” (or whatever). Complete bullshit and madness, but yea…

Do you know one incident in biology class?

I was asked by the teacher what or where the clitoris is. But in german it was said to be “Kitzler” (smth. like tickler? / tickling thing). Since I usually was not really there in school due to the irrelevance everything had because I knew that I would end up dead soon anyway, I often gave wrong answers or something based on what made sense to me at the moment. So I said the top / middle of the penis, since tickling it gave a sexual reaction for me, therefor it made sense to me. To my (negative) surprise a lot of the people in the class laughed and the biology teacher was probably confused and then corrected my answer. Afterwards I went dead silent again and hated my life even more.

I hope you now know why I usually didn’t speak up or tried to say something and tried to hide everything from others. Since they usually didn’t understand it anyway, hurt me or ignored me or called me things or whatever. But some girls in my class even asked me and a friend whether we wanted to have sex with them or wait for someone else. Me and my back then best friend didn’t say something or didn’t know what to say or how to handle the situation. And as some of you might know, I haven’t had sex (as far as I know). It is really terrible to give such an answer, like “as far as I know”, since I couldn’t trust my memory a lot of my life for so many reasons. You might think, that someone should remember something like that, but traumatic things also also difficult to remember, so the brain / you try to block them, since they hurt. I for my part think, that nothing sex related happened to me, since I had no evidence in my memory. But I mean, I have also forgotten or surpressed a lot of other things and sometimes didn’t even know my birthday (although I usually hated to know this date anyway), so you never know. But I think in my case I was lucky, if you understand that I was talking about bad stuff. If I would have agreed back then, that would have had probably no negative development for myself, besides everything already being broken and doomed. But there were enough reasons for me to not want to try it. Not to forget that there could be a baby and that at worst I could have later been laughed about, recorded or whatever. Out of a “male” perspective this could sound silly or paradox, but maybe that was necessary to show the madness from different perspectives. Because a lot of the time (at least usually) it is about girls who get somehow tricked into something, then shamed etc. In my case I don’t think these girls would have done that to me, but that also doesn’t matter here or does it?

My friend started to smoke after we lost contact for the most part and now has a wife (at least I think they married), if not then at least they are together.

What people think is happening and what actually happens are completely different things most of the time. And so it can easily happen that someone like me, who understood some things from a deeper level, was unsure about it at some point or gave up on trying to make it visible or explain and fight against it. Because at some points in my life I thought or even kinda got told, that people know about what is going on and just can’t do something about it. Or that it might be better to look after yourself. Or that I should feel good about not living in a situation where I had to hunger or something. Yea…


So many times I wished that a child from Africa or elsewhere could change with me, because I hoped that they might have a chance or will to live, could they have my chances, while I wanted to die as soon as possible because I could handle all of this. Would there have been something like a fairy or something, who would have made such things possible, the following could have happened.

Fairy: “Here is a child which will probably die from a sickness due to lack of clean water or if not then get shot or killed otherwise, either in a war or because of organs or other things. Or you could change with a famous child.”

Me: “Yep, the first one, clearly the first one.”

Fairy: But you … *confused*

Me: “Come on, go on, make it happen, please.”

Fairy: No, I can’t, this was actually just a trick, since normally people take the second thing. Now I don’t know what to do. Please hold the line. *leaves*

Me: “Eh… okay… Hello? HELLO?! Wow… Now what?”

Also Me: And back into hell we go.



By the way, I even remember videos or movies which I couldn’t find anywhere or know who got deleted. Sometimes because they might have been taken down or because the ones who uploaded them, were unsure about it later on and “just in case” removed it themselves. You never know.



Everywhere are little bread crumbs hidden. Sometimes even in codes and images or such things. There is even software out there which can transfer audio into images and images into audio or such things.

Usually you don’t need such things, but sometimes it could come in handy.

I also found out that you could not only hide messages, like codes inside images in a (maybe) visible, but like in the computer file code. Since there are some protocol rules in which the computer is meant to read the pixel data, you can hide other data in between or the end or somewhere. And sometimes also maybe replace a few pixels with other data, since a few broken seeming pixels might not even be noticed. At least with high quality images. You of course should then know where to search, otherwise that would be pointless, but yea…

There are also websites these days which offer free access to all kinds of radio frequencies around the globe, I found one from a university in europe. Maybe I will remember to search for it again and share it here. They made it as a project and available for free, although it probably could be (because of that) problematic should too many people access it at the same time. So use with caution and responsibility. Because although we have a lot of rules and new kinds of technology, there are still “easy” and “common” problems with these.

For example some years ago people were doing DDoS (Distributed Denial of Service) attacks and probably still try that sometimes. This almost sounded like a Ghandi thing, but was actually about some computer services (always available computer programs related to some protocols). Because some of these protocols have limitations and also expect certain data or amount of data, so hackers send more data or try to access more and such things. While a DDoS is usually something which is done by a lot of hackers / people at the same time. For example targeting some websites or even the military in some countries and such things. This can of course also be done by criminals or for fun, but some people did and do this to fight for their lives and rights or in a trial to help others. At least from what I have heard and seen.

It got of course harder over the years, but some things never get old. This old question about energy and the limitation of processing power. Sometimes the solution is simpler than you think, because you were blinded by all the additional relations. Happened to me as well.

For example in a few scenes in the Stargate series, when the base was in danger or got attack and there was a high alert (DEFCON) level, they closed a big gate. Well, at first it made sense: Danger -> close door. But when I looked at the door, I thought, wait a second, that thing has a classic door mechanic (swinging), so people from the other side could just cut through the (not so big and blocking seeming) swing metal thingies and then push down the gate / door and walk through there. At least when they would come from the side with the swing thing. And if not, they could maybe break through the wall next or in front of it, since it seemed less stable than the gate. Okay, a lot of “ifs” and assumptions based on visible things, which could all have been fake. But maybe it gave you some ideas. I for example placed a chair between the wall and the door of my room (since they are next to each other), because the door is in the corner of the room. And because the chair was partially made out of actual wood (stable) opening the door was not possible, although I had no keys to close it. I sometimes did that to give myself some level of safety and also keep my father (or mother) outside of my room. Well, then he was looking and walking through the window, but yea… at least I tried.


Noise warning!

As long as you can present someone responsible for crimes, you can make people believe that they are over now. The best part is, that this way you can then also get rid of people who could have said something about it or just were in the way or at the wrong place at the wrong time. And if they would have said something, you could have called them liars or crazy, since that is what people do when they are about to die, right?

And to make them not talk, you could tell them, that you would kill their friends or family, if they should dare to speak. Easy does it. And in case you haven’t heard “the shot”, yes, the winners were the actual criminals or at least supporting them.




Should I be taken away or something, then I want to be called the Anti-Christ, so people might relize how naive and mad they actually are. And also portraying what they are. Since some aniamsl often have a scary appearance to scare of enemies, while, when you actually know them, they might be fluffy kind beings and actually harmless for the most past. Well as long as you not try to kill them, obviously.

But I guess I first have to undress myself in front of people, next to trains with a gun pointed on my head, a real one, a fake one, just ma hands, what does it matter.

And if they won’t listen jump on the tracks and walk next to them, in case a train won’t hit him.

But all they would do, would call the police and call me crazy. Such an incident actually happened not long ago in a town I went to due to work. A man was running away from the police on train tracks and before that tried to kill himself. Others just killed themselves or tried to and got stopped. And guess what everyone else was talking or saying? They were annoyed and pissedd that they had to wait or take another way to work, school or home. Do you understand what we are talking about here? Do you really?

Because I am an enemy of the world / state with what I am doing here and you as well.

Well, at least when you know what I am talking about. Luckily for you this is irrelevant, since I have heard that sharing material showing nazi symbols or something related to it, is a crime and some people were already taken away by police doing so. At least according to some media, which is not always to be trusted, for reasons. You will see the difference, hopefully. So congratulation, you might even become a state enemy by reading a child story, instead of this, since a lot of them already had critique and other messages included in some form, at least in the past. My mother told me a story about a man who told stories about crocodiles and aother animals and later was strictly controlled and observed by authority because they somehow thought that he was talking about secret operations and politics. So basically telling children a few stories about animals is illegal. 😀 Wow. So basically any form of communication since theoretically everything could be seen as a form of critique, when you are open for it or open minded enough. Especially where you least expect it, since a lot of the “so called” demonstrations or whatever are faked or controlled from a few people actually supporting the current state of the world. Trying to trick people into doing the same as some of the others, while they can then easily take them away. And other people watching that might then think: “Well, yeah it is normal that they take a few people away.” (or whatevet they think), actually not getting that they were either involved or were tricked to go there, depending on the situation. Because most of the other people there will soon either not know what happened or if so, think they did something good, while not really knowing what actually happened. Since someone told them, that they should meet somewhere and do something.

I could do the same, but I am sure that in my case either no one or only a few people would actually get this information and if so, then also might be taken away. Since then police would probably get a hint that some neo-nazi or terror group plans on doing an attack or whatever and then we would be called such things and taken away. And everyone else would think, that it was good, since they always “knew” that we were wrong in the head and had such tendencies (or whatever they will tell them or they want to believe). As brain-washed as they are.



Until proofen otherwise (should we succeed in our freedom operations) I have to consider that we are in a dystopian world, but that we are also still alive and on our home planet (or at least a planet which could be our home). And so we could live here and won’t have to die or at least not like that. Because would we be together and then actually be able to make sense of things ourselves, we could find ways to live and survive and be happy and all.

Currently that is almost impossible and very dangerous.

Depending on how the next days will work out and what might come in mind, I could make an actual public demonstration of freedom. In a form may or may not shown or mentioned here. It will be probably something small, since my resources are limited as you know. But I might also have no other choice than to do something like that. Since otherwise I would be dead anyway. And I don’t want to end up like just another forgotten soul.

Because I am sure that my blog, music and other things would then be taken down pretty soon, maybe in a cover-up story telling people that I killed myself or something. And since I sometimes actually tried that or was about to delete everything myself (when I got convinced that it was hopeless, what is wrong), that could be plausible for people. Especially my relatives and people who know me “personally”. So they would probably believe whatever story was told to them, maybe say that it was a sad story and then say why I didn’t say something or that it was my decision and they couldn’t stop me anyway. Or whatever.

I am not making that stuff up, this could actually happen and did happen in some cases.

I mean one of my uncles couldn’t understand how people could work in factories or jobs with a lot of heat, toxic material etc. Because when he was trying to work in such a company when he was younger, he had to quit the job just a few days or weeks later. While some people probably did these jobs for decaders. He also tried to kill himself or at least it seemed this way, had a problem with alcohol for some time and smoking, but then got away from alcohol or at least the amount he consumed when he was younger. He was the youngest of the siblings and my mother and others also often spied on him and tried to find things he did wrong, while he just tried to survive somehow. Later my mother of course was very sorry for what she did as a girl and also had a better relation ship again. He also was the only one who actually bought me some useful or honest presents for birthday, which reminded me of him and also showed me, that he actually wanted me. Although I couldn’t feel wanted, since of all whatwas. At least it gave me hope to have him as an uncle. A fighter for justice who actually did something about some problems and when he had friends really supported them, as best as he could. Even collegues at work or other people he might not even knew.

Some other uncles also “woke up” or started to wake up in recent time, but sometimes stayed in a state of confusion or were scared to talk about some things.

One of my uncles even mentioned that he is an asshole and that he feels like in the movie “The true man show” or at least that he could understand me, when I mentioned something about it. And that he sometimes had the feeling to kill someone one the spot. He said that out loud in front of his wife, my mother, his sister and maybe a few other relatives. But except for me no one really seemed to say something about it or react upon it. And when he left, he said, that we will hopefully know our family, when a war starts. Or something like that. I was so glad that he spoke about that and also listened to me. But it seemed as if he was scared and terrified about it, like I was when I was in that process last year and partially this year.

I think some of my cousins also know what I mean, but don’t show it, for reasons. I even had an incident in which one of them mentioned that they got an emotional reaction and that some memories came back, after they listened to some of my self-made music (based on my feelings). Only to see them angry and ignorant towards me the next day. Coincidence. I say pancakes.


When you realize that a revolution is happening in front of your eyes, while others try to convince everyone that we are about to die, so they can later tell everyone that they safed us, by taking some lives.

Do you know what the problem with similarity, equal systems, patterns and a species is?

When you hacked one, you can hack them all.

Unlike with creative and universal things, because they are endless in variation, while machines always have a limitation. That is just how the science works. Maachines only exist inside our world, trying to take over our world (or people with machine minds), but it isn’t theirs, no matter how hard they try.

Some people even talk with trees or animals and I did that as well, sometimes or at least tried. Sometimes with more, sometimes with less success. When you understand (that according to some data) most of our DNA/DNS is equal or pretty similar, the conclusion could be near, that we can therefor also easily interact with each other. And if that should be the case, even better because then it would mean that we have an even bigger chance to be not understood.

“Normal” people usually think that you can only communicate via languages in word form. But actual living beings know that the ways of communication are theoretically endless or at least very wide in range and there can be found new ways all the time. But a lot of it has to do with some kinds of waves or symbols or signs in some form. Since that is more natural to humans, I suppose. Written words can also help, but are often harder to understand or use, like it was and still is in my case.

Because if I would just transfer my knowledge and level of understanding towards you, you might freak out for a few days or weeks (or when you are lucky, just a few hours). And I can do that, but you have to accept it and know that it is risky.

And even if you have no idea what I am talking about, words also still work.

I just usually preffered a mixture of things.