Ever had the feeling, that you were there before?
No? Good for you. Basically my whole life.
Then I try to unlearn everything, since no one understands it, then I learn it again, then I unlearn it again, then I learn it again. Horrible.
And where did it every get me? Well… quiet obviously, no where.
Was it my fault? Yes and no.
When I would have just tried to stay true to myself, eventhough no one else did, I could have reached what I wanted, which I try now (again). But I think this time I at least got some more learning material. And with “this time”, I mean this whole opening up process from last year to this point. At least in the context of this blog post.
Because most of the time I feel as if no matter what I will come up with, it will be either considered wrong, until proven otherwise or is wrong. Which then of course leaves me always with being, feeling and then even acting wrong. Since it seems as if it doesn’t matter and is just for “fun” anyway.
Outside the madness trap boxes, I know that it isn’t fun and for fun. And I know that I have a lot of problems (sometimes).
You know, the scariest part about this year was, that somehow I unwillingly had to face every traumatic thing I could imagine and depending on the perspective I maybe even died multiple times. I mean, I am here, but often I am not sure about “here” or what this actually means anymore.
On the other hand, I know exactly what “here” meant for me as a kid and should mean, when I think a few times about it. So it was as if I was willingly locking myself into a room with every fear, monster, problem etc.
And depending on the context, I actually did that, although it was more my head and mine therefor which I put in there or locked in there, probably together with my heart. Remember? I wanted to get rid of myself.
So the problem with that is (given that it wasn’t a choice I made out of fun or boredom), now that I actually kinda escaped it again or opened it up this year, I don’t know whether it actually happened or is part of the box.
You know… my imagination…
And now it is as if I am not allowed to be outside of it, while actually other people don’t want me to be in it? (I know this doesn’t really make sense, I guess…)
Okay, so the problem is, that I was willing to scare myself to death, quite literally or make myself hate myself to a point at which I would just want to get rid of myself willingly. Which I actually reached last December.
But what does this mean for me? Now that according to some logical parts which might still work, I am still alive?
Does this mean, that I was too strong to die or too weak to finally go?
When I try to look at “it” (the situation) from a positive point of view, I would tell myself, that I was very strong and that it was a very good choice to stay. But when I look again from a neutral or even negative point of view, I would say: “Well, you could not really help people, left them alone, made some of them maybe even hate you only to fail on your own “master” plan. What kind of hero are you? Mister Stupido?”
(Well, that name made me actually laugh, although this is not funny…)
And I know, that you people here or at least many, are very kind to me, at least so far it seemed. I didn’t want to hurt you or confuse you, when I did. 😦
In case I did.
From my younger self I would have not feared any rules. And now I sometimes even followed rules which made no sense, rules I put upon myself or others did.
And all of it makes me very sick.
The good thing is, that I hope, that whatever I have done to myself (and maybe a few others by accident or my hiding problem and fear) was the worst case scenario. Not meaning, that the worst case scenario happened or should happen, but that I somehow faced it. With some help here and there. Because of course there always have been people next to me who either supported me or just felt good besides me. Sadly I tried to protect them, while I should have opened up to them. But back then, I got either told to keep quiet about some things or convinced myself, that it must be better for everyone.
And yes, sometimes I still feel as if everything is broken because of me.
Which given my life and that I actually started as a kind and strong personality, I was quite the opposite. I was more of a problem solver, than a cause. Although I also broke a lot of things, I must admit. But you know why, because people around me were broken as well and tried to break me, until I did that myself.
I still don’t know about this one time when I punched through a glass window when I was a child and even got injured. After something my father did or said, when I remember correct.
I knew that I could cut myself, which happened, but nothing serious. And I knew that it would be painful, which it probably was, but I don’t remember. Maybe it didn’t hurt at all. Sometimes it is this way and sometimes everything hurts, but sometimes things are just normal (at least what I consider as normal, when nothing hurts, but I still feel things). Although given my body, I should feel a little pain all the time.
So what made me punch this window? It was anger and frustration because I got totally ignored, punished for things which made no sense (like cleaning, playing or watching TV). And physically or psychological, so I just had to let it out somehow. This means, that I of course new about all the consequences or at least most of them, but was willing to risk it, since it felt as if it was pointless anyway. Or that then I could atleast hopefully make an end to my life and my misery or what problems I made others.
We are talking about a child which knew that messing with your head can have severe and at worse everlasting consequences and damages. About a child which knew about the risk to go fully crazy, when negating logic and doubting oneself. But took the risk, to try to find the best way to die in a (for others) peaceful way. And yes, would I listen to myself, not knowing what is in my head or happened to me and so on, I would also not understand it or think that this is not possible or crazy. And yea… partially it is.
Let me sum up the goals I made for myself, after I considered a soon death as a better option than life:
- cancer (some or multiple forms)
- heart attack
- bleeding (accident or nose bleeding)
- basically any kind of deadly sickness
- convincing police to shoot me
- going to a war zone
- … etc.
Okay, not all of them are exactly “peaceful”, but I mean I set my mind on finding the best ways possbile to die as fast as possible. And yes, I also wrote multiple times about this in different forms, I guess.
It is a side effect of rewiring your brain, healing and also understanding things which were pretty tough and hard to handle. Or also difficult in general.
I knew, that when I would hate myself as much as possible, I would maybe even be able to just violently end my own life, which again, almost happened last December and when I was 16 after my second grandfather died and I just had my final exams in secondary school.
I mean, there had been other times when I wished it or maybe some more times when I could have done it, but these two events were when I was ready and able to do it. Which would have given me what I thought was best for everyone, but the first time didn’t work and the second time, I decided against. Or something in me. And no, it wasn’t the basic human survival reflex or whatever. I turned that thing off when I was little.
I only survived for others, as long as they needed me or when I forgot that I wanted to die. (Not because I actually wanted that, but you know… trauma, depression, misunderstandings, and so on, which then lead to this “conclusion”).
So you could say, that mixed with natural reflexes or behavior patterns of human beings, I build a “Get rid of myself game”. Not out of fun. Out of options fits it better.
Again, out of a normal perspective, choosing life is very obvious and logical, since death is either unknown or just pointless and such things. So when it comes, it comes and if not, then well, you could enjoy what you have. Or something like that. But for me it was like being trapped in a cage, knowing that I won’t be able to actually do what I want. Knowing, since I thought everything through multiple times. There was no possibility in the context of what was and is. The option to speak up about it anyway, was not an option because usually this gave me negative responses and also looking into the world around me and what other people tried, it didn’t seem like anything worth doing. It seemed as if I would only end up called crazy or actually turn crazy. So I thought, why trying, if in the end, I might actually be crazy and then I would only harm others with my craziness and give them crazy thoughts. Conclusion: I had to die.
So what I am doing here is not really something I do out of free choice or because I have nothing better to do. It is more that I feel as if I have to do it, otherwise I actually should have died. Or something like this.
And I know, that this is not the case, but I also know that I did things wrong. In some cases a lot of things. Either because I didn’t know some things or because I had not much of a choice, it seemed. Given what I knew and got told. And now it seems as if I know too much or understand too much, although I know that I don’t know some things. It is really complicated and yet simple.
For me, death is something which doesn’t have to happen.
People: *screaming in confusion*
And that is why I want to die.
People: *screaming intensifies*
Yes… the logic.
People: *fall on the ground and cry*
Eh… I hope this is a good thing now.
Okay… eh … I will go hiding again.
But yeah… when you get convinced that something can’t be and you try to explain, why it could still be, usually people don’t get it and then you might think: “My whole existence is based around this thing which can not be. I must be crazy and therefor shouldn’t be. Thanks life.” Or something similar.
So again, I hope that I actually went to the worst case scenario(s) already. Be it through games some of you made (thank you!!!) or things which happened with or around me or dreams or things I created. Or even horror stories, like creepy pastas which I consumed like air when I was younger. Mainly to scare the shit out of me and make me want to be weak and die, but partially (the part which didn’t want to give up) to make me stronger in the process. Since I almost have to laugh about a scary story (sometimes) or feel like the only one alive (other times) and then everything scares me, even children just playing a game. I mean actually just playing, without anything bad. Not because they scare me, but because my mind relates it to scary stories, to trauma, to imagination to psychological problems and then they scare me. While on the other side I am happy, that they are happy, as long as they actually play because they have fun.
And again, it might seem that I must be either completely nuts or strong or both, or simply a sad case or whatever. I know.
But I am only still here because I came to the conclusion, that the worst thing for face, could be, that I am already in hell and that you are all not real and I will finally try another time, but instead of helping I will end up dead again or have to suffer forever, while you are all laughing. Or something like that. I mean, imag…. okay no don’t. Just don’t do that.
But I do this because I think, that no matter what I do, it will only give me more pain, horror and problems. And that I deserve it and even if not, still have to do it and go through it.
I know that I caused it by getting myself to learn that this would happen on one side, but only as a result of actually experiencing the same to a point which made me think, that speeding this process up, would help me end it faster. Since I got convinced that everyone has to die at some point, although it didn’t made sense to me from some knowledge and information I found and heard here and there.
When death becomes a constant, rather then a possibility. It is then, when you could get into thinking, that either avoiding it at all cost is the best or reaching it at all cost. I chose both? Wait a minute. Both?
You heared / read correct.
But how is this even possible?
Don’t ask me, I am just crazy, you know.
I can only say, that one half of me wanted to try to live anyway and do it with others, while the other part tried to do the opposite, since only more problems came from these trials.
I think that this is actually what happens to a lot of people, which then leaves them with “two voices”. And yes, I sometimes also might have had a few “Yes or No” situations, but again, for me it is different. Because it made no sense to have multiple voices or hear them, so I didn’t usually. Which doesn’t mean that I didn’t have conversations with myself. I even imagined whole wars in my head or like senat meetings or whatever. Even imagined multiple moods, characters or whatever who decided about the fate of another character inside my head. Only to switch to “camera mode” again and only listen to my environment and maybe basic reflexes or whatever.
I think, that I just naturally had access to both sides of my brain and used the best of both “worlds” as you could say. At least when our brains still have two parts, like I learned at some point. Otherwise forget what I just wrote about two parts or worlds.
And since I already had the best of both, but no one wanted that or if so, didn’t understand it or knew about it, I decided to get the worst out of both. And then salad happened. I still don’t know sometimes what happens in some cases. I am just happy, when nothing bad actually happens and that I usually seem to have control over myself and know what I am doing. 😀
Which doesn’t mean, that it has to be the best.
To make one thing clear, since I just had to let it out. It would be a wrong conclusion that someone who has a problem with porn needs actual sex or either of it. Because then it would at worst only turn into a sex addiction which then could turn out to be even worse.
I mean, if some people actually love each other and then decide to have a lot of sex because of this and they want it and feel good and all, then I see no problem there. It is a free world. The actual problem would be, if someone for example thinks, that someone needs sex to have experienced it. But only for this reason. Or maybe they think, that then they could have it all the time, which could then end pretty painful, when it gets one sided or such things.
Whenever I knew about things which weren’t good for me, I found ways to either try them or understand that I don’t need them. Or I even imagined things. So for example alcohol. I tried a little when I was a child and hated the taste for the most part. With chocolate it tasted a little better, but in the end also wasn’t what I needed nor wanted. And I actually never really had interest in it. So why force it, when I know that it isn’t good nor necessary?
Smoking was similar, but I had a stronger tendency to smoke, so I found ways to ease this need, by sometimes inhaling smoke when smokers smoked in my school or just smoke from heatings or cars or whatever. I even once inhaled anti-fly smoke candles as a child (yes, something like that exists) and after that I hated it when people put out candles or fire matches, because of the negative smoke relation. Although a part of this smoke attraction stayed. But this year I even can’t breath sometimes, just when I smell fire or something similar. I never smoked nor drank, at least not really and so I also didn’t get addicted. The difference with sex is, that it is a more natural and overall excepted or even wanted thing. And so, although I knew that it wasn’t really what I wanted, got me or trapped me.
So I tried to find a way to make damage prevention. I tried to block it, but since I am good with computers and the only one who could do it, also unblocked it. I even wrote programs to count the time it took, to show myself that it was not worth it. Only to ignore it. So no, I don’t need sex as a replacement because then it could happen, that it would only get worse. And then, it would not only hurt me, but someone else as well.
This is not me telling, that I will never ever want to have sex. This is me trying to explain, that it is something I actually didn’t need, don’t want and maybe could have, but is not necessary. No matter what other people say or try to convince me of. It only made me even more broken.
And it is especially dangerous for me to think about having sex, since it triggers the addiction or dependency “routine” again and then I have to fight out of it again. Not meaning that I ever really got completely out, but that is more due to the other problems and relations and so on…
What I try to explain is, that given the damage others did to me, I did to myself because I thought I deserve it or should have it and all, I could maybe accidentally kill someone.
Now you might think: Woah dude, what is wrong with you?!
Well… a lot. And the thing is, that I would of course never want to kill anyone nor willingly harm or hurt anyone. Which was only making my situation worse.
Why did we end up writing about sex? I don’t know for sure.
Well, the thing is, that it is not much about do I need it or do I want it or is it actually necessary. It is more about, why could or do some people think it might be a good idea? While I would say, it is the worst idea ever.
As long as my other problems are not fully healed and I not really feel comfortable with other people nor myself, it is dangerous.
And I have to write about this, because if I don’t then it will not help me and maybe not someone out there having similar problems in some cases.
But I don’t write about this because I want to be heard, want attention or anything. Again, as I have written before, I feel not really comfortable sharing all of this. If it would just be about myself, I would have chosen death or just sit alone in my room. And I hate it when I have to do something in front of other people. Be it dancing, talking or whatever.
Some guy: Then why do you watch porn, knowing that the people creating it might also don’t really like it or sometimes even get forced and such things?
It is psychological and I don’t want it, but since the logic is broken and I had not many other options to keep myself motivated, I had to.
Some guy: So you know that it is wrong, you know that it is not helpful, you know that it is weird, but still do it?
Some guy: So you want it?
Some guy: So why do you not just stop it?
Can someone please explain this guy what psychological problems and addiction are about?
People: Eh… water?
… yes …
This year I am trying to make myself feel good about it, so I can stop needing it. And it actually works in a way. The need for it got less and although it still often happens, I found ways to replace it.
You should understand that I have no problem to find healthy ways to replace and get rid of it. I really don’t have a problem to find these things. My problem is more that I now actually want to find them again.
If you understood that for around 13-15 years (or maybe my whole life – me being 22) I am in this “I have to die at all cost; maybe I can live” struggle fight thingy, then you know I only need reasons to live.
And sadly in my case it was not enough to know that there are people who love me or need me. It actually added up to the “I have to die because of this.” Since it seemed that if they would know me, they would only be scared and then didn’t actually want me. So why destroying their image of me. No, for me it was necessary to see that nothing made sense anymore (for me). And to see others suffer in their way. It was necessary to understand that there is a chance, that others will accept me and that they will still love me and I will love them no matter what.
This brings me to a thought I had a few times this year and today:
Why is it considered as bad, when a girl / woman says “Can we be just friends?”
Because when you understand that the word “just” combined with “friends” should make no sense and you remove it. Then I would be happy to hear such a thing. But I know how it was meant in some cases.
Through an uncle who also had a lot of woman who wanted him just as a friend, while he wanted to be together with them, I first thought, that I would end up like this as well anyway. Okay this sounds negative. No, he is actually the one who is the most similar to me in many cases when it comes to my uncles. He also is named John (at least in the original meaning) although he likes to be called by a nickname. He is a fighter and also very open and kind. Even went against his boss or some people, when they tried to make trouble either for him or others who couldn’t defend themselves.
And also through one of my cousins who first was friends with a woman through studying together and then they later married after some years being friends, I understood the value of a friendship (again).
Because in the past I got told that you can tell a friend everything and they will try to understand and stay with you. But I wasn’t able to open up and when I tried there was confusion. Not always, but I also didn’t speak about everything. And I also had/have one friend who actually was back then more the opposite of me. At least how I seemed to others. But in the heart we were probably more similar than I realized back then. He once even invited me to Austria, where he lives (at least back then).
The thing is, an actual friendship is what everyone wants. And then it wouldn’t matter whether someone has this problem or that idea. You could just talk about it, maybe show it or try to find ways to explain and understand each other to help each other. And also have fun together, since normally life shouldn’t be a lot about pain, suffering, fear and more about adventure, fun and learning or doing new things or just enjoying the things you accomplished together or whatever.
Friendship as the highest form of love, would also get rid of concepts like traditional marriages or ideas, like: only a man and a woman are allowed to be together in a close relationship. Or whatever. You know what I mean, right?
Instead we often have some kind of friends or friendships which force us or others to do things we don’t even want to do. For example weird and uncessecary “bravery challenges” like walking over a small pole or branch, while there is a dangerous river beneath it and with dangerous I mean sharp stones, a water fall and too fast to even think about swimming.
And no, I don’t experienced such a thing. But there are also things like climbing buildings without climbing gear or such things. And this is not what I understand or mean, when I am talking about friendship.
There even is a word for it “Gruppenzwang” (german), meaning peer pressure or literal “group enforcement” (or something like it).
In an actual group of friends there wouldn’t be such a thing like force or pressure. And when someone can’t do a thing at the moment or maybe don’t want to do it at all, the others respect it or maybe try to find out why. Or maybe even rethink it, when they maybe didn’t know something. But it wouldn’t end up in everyone just sitting there, looking at each other doing nothing.
And depending on what it is, they other friends could maybe show that it isn’t all that scary or dangerous. For example jumping from a three meter board into water. When I first had to do it, I was scared, but I have seen a lot of others do it as well and since there was a good teacher doing it with us, I knew I was safe. So I tried it and it was a great experience. It even was fun after a few trials, until I even tried more dangerous things like jumping backwards in a trial to make a turn or whatever. Ending up flat on my back, not able to breath for a second. But after it burned a little I was able to go again, this time a little more careful again. .D
It is so weird that usually friendship is something which seems to have a limit, at least for some people. Like: “You can tell me about these things, but I don’t want to know about those things.
And when you especially had a problem with “what is okay and what isn’t”, since your childhood was complete hell sometimes or maybe most of the time (at least psychologically; why did I use “at least”? Psychological is actually the worse part, no?), you think better say nothing.
Basically society at its best…
Well, okay, so yes. Friendship is actually the highest form of connection. At least should be, when you understand what it is or should be about.
And hate me for it, if you want, but yes, even the bible had a story about it. About two boys / men who had something more than a man and a woman can have. I don’t know the words, but it said something like this. Of course in the historical context. I think it was David and I don’t remember the other name. And they were close. David also played harp or at least music. I hope I don’t mixed something up again. And no, this is not about religion. It is sad that I have to write this and explain it, but I can of course understand it. This is just me trying to explain that people who wave with old books, often didn’t really read nor understand them. And that not everything in older stories is wrong or complete nonsense, nor has the answers to everything. Since these things have to be seen in the historical context and also from different perspectives in some cases. I could also use the Tora or Koran or indian, native american or chinese mythology, stories and books or scrolls. Would have similar effects and results.
To close this post with something, maybe unexpected, even the german TV show “Tatort” (crime scene) which is already very old, but is still running, can give you answers and shows problems beyond “Oh look, another dead body and look, there is the criminal.” What many people assume it still does or is all about. Or other series. Thanks to my grandfather who watched it or my mother who watched it sometimes with me or who also had other series she liked, I understood that. So for me it is very clear and normal that you can find something good in almost anything. And I didn’t block myself off from sources which were called bad, not helpful, conservative or crazy or whatever. I either did it myself, when it just wasn’t helping me or found things I didn’t expect at first, while others probably stayed by their assumption or conclusion, that this TV show or source was not good or helpful at all. They didn’t even give some of them a chance.
Laugh about my naivity, but when I was little, I thought, why is the “Bild-Zeitung” (german Boulevard newpaper thingy) bad? It shows pictures, so you can see what happened. Of course I later understood why it was not really useful and shouldn’t be called newspaper for several reasons, but back then I looked at it as a child and partially still hoped that most people were trustworthy. Only to get into believing the opposite.
Thanks for reading and being here.
Thank you that you are alive and I am not completely alone! ❤
I just had to think about what a young english teacher I had said about a guy who was pretty weird and creepy. Actually this was probably just last year. hehe… and then I thought, yeah well, good that you can’t look into my head. By the way she watched MadMen with us in school. Probably she felt also as lost as we, being in IT specialist class, while no one really was able to give us the info or support we wanted. Or the help we needed besides school. I think half the class was in some form depressed if not all of them. And I kept quiet for the most part… at least I wrote something (hopefully encouraging or motivating) to the class before I broke up contact.
Or that I wanted to tell this teacher that she is cool and should not feel bad or alone. At least I assumed that she must have felt a little like this. At least lost for sure.