Hallo, Halli

And there he is again, the crazy villager who knows, does and thinks a lot of strange and crazy things – nothing really.

(Why is he back again? And why does he think that it is important?)

My mind told me, ask the brain, not me. ๐Ÿ˜€


What happened in the mean time?

Besides me deciding that playing insane (while partially actually losing my temper and mind) wasn’t helping and showing my house and garden also wasn’t helpful, I tried some other things.

(But you do know, that people now really don’t want to …)

You know, they either do what they think is best for them, easy or what gives them something.

(But you said…. )

As I often say, words aren’t my first language and I am very bad with communication. And now back to the more interesting things.

(As you say strange guy who has a brain damage…)

[Just bring the text. Please…]


On the weekend I got my mother to walk 5 hours with me through the woods, through a small town and then through the bigger town, all the way up the stairs. While I personally was a little cold, since I didn’t take my warm jacket ( – just “german” problems…) but it was probably my heart (as usual), I was really not sure how it was possible that my mother was actually able to walk for this long. Not that I was too surprised, but she herself couldn’t tell how this was possible. At first I just wanted to get some water from the small river somewhere in the woods (I had some pictures my cousin took a few years ago shown here at one point). But then it was further away than I thought, since I usually dream away or listen to the environment and such things, I get there in no time. Sadly I wasn’t able to get the water because it got too late until we reached the location and it was already dark. I still could have seen enough to get some, but I didn’t want to risk slipping over a wet stone or something. Maybe another day. I got a glass bottle, since glass is made out of sand and can be melt again and use many times. But who am I telling this, right. ๐Ÿ˜€

While being surrounded by trees and a few animals the whole walk was easier and even my mother sense a clear change when we reached the small town and the streets with all the cars driving into the weekend. I personally felt pain, but you would probably say that it is psychological and would probably be right. Since cars and streets and all are related to pain for me, so just seeing or hearing them gives me pain. Pretty shit, when I am usually surrounded by them…


I also got my mother to use the solar powered battery for her computer, the phone and the router. I would have connected my computer as well, but since I stopped actually using it because I usually just used it to burn my brain and all, I plug it in when I need it, like for this post thing.

Sometimes I still tried to do things with it, but except for checking the power box number, although it is mostly pointless, I don’t really use it anymore.

Usually I spent the days outside on the grass.

Sometimes Xenia (our cat), was next to me and we both just enjoyed the fresh grass and the blue sunny sky.

Somehow the weather in the last days was always like this, except for today, since I thought that it had enough sun and the plants need some water and already in the late afternoon clouds formed in the sky.

(But you could have known, if you would have checked the weather on some website or watched some news or something.)

Probably, but even if they would have said the same thing, it is better to feel the weather and experience it yourself, don’t you think?

[What is he talking about?]

Anyway, so I was there in the garden, ignoring the busy engines roaring nearby and then I just thought, now I will just dig some holes in the garden instead of removing the grass and flowers and other plants, like it was done before. I actually wanted to do that before, many many years, well actually I would have wanted to live somewhere else, but you know how it is. So I agreed with my mother that I can have a part of my garden for experiments and at least try something out which was possible for now without me needing anything. Since my grandfather still had plenty of seeds left in the basement from his gardening, we looked through them. My mother of course had planted some of it a few times, but not how I wanted it. We also agreed on finally getting some trees for fall season and that it is very likely that we will move away from here soon. But I guess it will depend on how things will develop for her, since I could also live in the forest (but maybe somewhere where it isn’t as cold as here in winter with all the snow).

(What is snow?)

Exactly…

Back to the garden.

Since I knew how the things happen in nature, I actually wouldn’t have needed to read the back side of the seed bags, but I did anyway, just to know what is inside and maybe find some interesting texts.

The funny thing is that almost all seeds, no matter what kind, had a similar text, only the numbers for the deepness and space between them was different at times, but even that was often the same, except for obvious reasons (some of them vegetables are bigger than others).

It is funny how they were telling that some seeds needed to be 0.5 cm deep, others 1 cm and some 0.5-1cm and so on. As if that made any difference. ๐Ÿ˜€ I just imagine how someone actually takes it serious and uses a measuring tool for each seed to place it exactly in the given measurements. And then I talked with my mother about it and she meant that she did that one time, but later it didn’t really work out. Same was for cooking noodles …

At least the face of the gardener told me that I wasn’t alone with the thought: “It doesn’t even matter…”

Well, maybe I just interpret too much into the face. As usually with everything, only to later get to know that people just did it for other reasons or just randomly since people just combine things on their own without help. Or something like that.

(By the way, I heard that this company is going bankrupt.)

See… my grandfather doesn’t buy seeds anymore and now they are going down.

(I am sure… I mean… surely it wasn’t because of him. And didn’t you say he died some y…)

Yes, many things have been written hear. Too many things. But what do you expect from a lab rat which tried to do experiments with itself, to figure out why or how or when and what. Other people do that with other people and some with animals, but how can they be sure, right?

Anyway, so after having my fun with the texts on the seed bags, I placed all kinds of seeds in the holes I made. I also placed some fresh compost in the holes before that and used the dug out dirt for Terra-forming.

(Terra what?)

When you change the landscape.

(Ah…)

Well, the stone-concrete (or whatever they mixed together) path way was a thorn in my eye for a long time now, so I just put dirt on top of it. At least a part.

(You did what… And what do you tell the new owners, should you sell the house? That you had no interest in breaking out all of the hard walls and the pathway, so you just covered it up? …)

Yes, why not?

(Because that is stupid…)

Well, at least it saved me the need to get a lot of energy wasted and I think the worms, ants and spider and whatever won’t care that much. Instead they might finally think: “Wow, now I don’t have to hurt my legs on these concrete and stones when I want to get to the other side.”

(Do you really think, that they think this way or think like that at all?)

You never know. \_(o,o)_/

[I do know.]

Great for you.

To mark that in all of the holes is something planted I used the axe and …

(Oh god, he used the axe! NOT THE AXE!)

… yes… and I made myself a few small pieces of wood I could stick in the soft soil.

(But like, what is the point?)

I asked that myself later on, when I had seeds in all of them, but it made sense as long as I didn’t had seeds in all of them to see where I could place something.

(I thought you had great memory?)

Sometimes. Sometimes… And I could still use them to mark what is what, although I would have just given it a try and see what comes out.

(And you just did that? Just like that? Without thinking much, planning, calculating, studying, … (100 smart words later) and preparations?)

Of course. I mean, I waited for this moment my whole life.

[WHO CARES! STUPID FOOL WHO ThINkS Is IMPOTRANT]

Look, I don’t know what you guys did all the time, I mean I can assume, since it was all pretty calculated, but at least I had some goals. Okay, no, I had none, but you know how it is, I had to get a goal because others made it harder to just live and all that crap they tell and make you do or think or I don’t know.


I also walked around the town again on my own and found another cat there, seemed a little lost and was probably searching for company while make loud noise. At first the cat ran away, but later we met again and then I also spent some time next to it. While I was probably just marked as “owned”. ๐Ÿ˜€

Some time later I also met another cat which even was sleeping on my lap for some time earlier this year. When this one saw me the cat ran towards me and greeted me happy about seeing me. While behind her the other (loud) cat was walking, while this one seemed to be running away from the loud one. Then the loud cat watched from afar and left. I was sitting on the street for some time with the cat, until a car came :/ and then the cat had to jump away and the calm time was over.

I also saw the owner of the other cat I met one night, but didn’t want to ring the door bell in the middle of night. It felt good to see her and to know that the cat might have actually wanted me to go to the door. But I just greeting, a few words. Before that a big car just passed by and I wasn’t sure, so I continued walking, although I wished I just would have stayed there. Maybe next time. I also saw the old woman with the dog again, same place, maybe even the same time. I almost had to laugh, but suppressed it. It felt good to see all of them. Later I also saw an old man, I think, standing next to a house door as well, but I wasn’t sure. I am always not really anywhere, I guess. To see these people here and there also made me almost cry, this feeling of all feeling.

And yes, I know… the internet… technology, environment, energy, waste.

But when a million people can make blogs and videos about some great products they probably not even use or just have to get paid or such things… at least I can write about these things here and how sad it is, that I can’t just be with all these people, just spend time with them and no pressure, no problems, at least nothing beyond the basic things, like an old injury maybe or such things.

I know I could have just stayed there, talked, but I am not lying, I really have a problem with communication. Sometimes I talk to much, then I don’t talk at all and usually neither way it really gets through. Even when I show pictures, examples or do things myself… I often wished that I had no voice, because it didn’t matter what it would say. (Besides the time when I actually stayed quiet for the most part and even trained myself to stay quiet.)


I also heard some people from the village talking about getting food from local places and that they also were asking about whether they were biological, without pesticides and such things. Even about riding bike and not even having an e-bike as elderly people. To hear and see such things really gives me hope. Although they of course were talking about the prices as well, but they bought some nonetheless, knowing about the situation and how it isn’t that easy to compete with the big markets.

My town (yes, some people from here even with the town administration involved) made a small paper booklet showing a little bit from our nature, maybe reminding some people about their childhood (the good parts maybe) and also about the climate. Besides the gray on gray town hall (which also doesn’t really look anything like the old one nor does it really feel good) they showed the tree and bush rich hills behind it. And even the blind worm / slow worm which looks like a snake, but is completely harmless. They also wrote that some kind of stone which is harvested around here is also used for paper production or to make walls for nuclear plants and such things and that our town tries to be climate friendly. Although the town hall building and the newly created center alongside with the black and white lights, at least not all is lost in the forest town.

They even mentioned old border stones and that some lords some time ago used these to mark their borders or sometimes even move them around, so someone placed some “witness” objects beneath them in the ground to later see whether the stones were moved during a border conflict. For some people it might just be boring history or unimportant knowledge, but others might get into thinking.

I also saw the graffiti on the newly placed red and blue generators next to the two big spots halls, where previously was a place for young people where they could drive with skateboards, bmx bikes and such things. The other generators a little further also had some. Things like “Fuck the System” and things about love and dick heads and money and such things. But what shall I say… except for the “why do we always need more?”, and then except for those who see these things as well, it just goes on. Or doesn’t it?

Some electricity is also harvested from the river, they also built solar panels and plan to build more. There are even places to recharge e-cars at tactical places (bank, town hall).

And in the woods are piles of fresh cut down wood, even on some fields. Some of them not even big, just small.

My mother also mentioned that you actually need a special permission to cut them down in this time of year, since the birds and other animals are getting babies, usually it isn’t allowed after March, when trees in our garden were cut down that even was important, although there weren’t any nests and the trees (sadly) had to go for security reasons. :/

But I mean, I am also not sure whether the birds even make nests up in these big small conifer trees which don’t have much space for any nests anyway, since they just grow fast into the sky since they are planted next to each other and then push each other up to get sun light. And lower branches also usually get cut away because they make the wood bad and such things… At least there are a few deciduous trees here and there as well and bird boxes in the town park.

Look, I know that in nature things come to live and die, some of them earlier, some of them later and some just live as long as someone cuts them down or eats them or such things. I am from here, thanks for asking.

But even in nature there are limits and boundaries. A shark will very likely not climb a tree or even just walk out of the water and a leopard usually doesn’t go for a long swim through the sea. But we humans just reached so many things in a trial to be “the best” or “biggest” that we just use everything as an object or as a “this is here just for me and I don’t need to take care of it or think much about it” thing. While then of course there are also a lot of people here and there which sometimes even think too much about it all and break down because of it, like I myself. I mean I just turned somewhat crazy and sometimes don’t know what is my problem and what is the problem of other people and whether it does even make sense to care about myself at all.

Some people probably just make a blog or such things because they want to be someone or I don’t know, I didn’t even want to use any technology when I was younger. My mother by the way also didn’t really get along with it, until many years later. I just thought maybe I could get behind it and make it stop, but then got at my limits at some point (the pain and pressure was too high), so I just broke apart.

And my parents talk and talk about cars, about houses about this problem and that problem and I just sit there with my cat and look into the sun.

Okay, you really shouldn’t do that because it can make you blind or give you a headache, but sometimes I just felt the need to do that to see whether I am still alive or already in a computer simulation. Sometimes it is really hard to see the difference when all around you things get more black and white (again) and just people driving round and round.

But can we agree that I will not talk, should we meet one day?

Okay, stupid thing, I know.


Oh, and my mother watched a movie called “Das Versprechen” (The promise) and I joined her at some point.

Later she meant that she is the girl (Jule) and I just thought about the movie that someone had similar thoughts like me. As if they read my mind. ๐Ÿ™‚ But as long as it helps our planet, I guess.

“Machine Monkey”, a great poster.

I don’t know, the movie just made me cry in a good way.

Think what you want, as usual, but usually when I look at things or do things with technology (when I didn’t deactivate myself) were just me staring with an emotionless cold and empty look. Since I was using it against my will, while using it on my own behalf in a complex, seemingly pointless trial to wake people up. But I fail at such things as I usually do, it is way easier to show people things first hand, but that is never that easy, especially when they are all either busy, frustrated, glued to their phones or what and so on.

I mean I even showed my house, look how crazy that is, as if I am a vloger or something making a room tour. Some people might think that I did it because of that or I don’t know, but I tried to give you a small journey through time, from WWII (since there is an old typewrite made prior to this in my house and also an old black and white TV and up to now and my garden. But not because I want to show or say: “Hey look what I got, ha I am rich.” or whatever……

No…

It is more something like: “WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THAT”

Some people would probably be happy and I know that some are jealous, but why?

If I could live on a small island (except for the sea water level problem) with happy people, catching a few fish once in a while or whatever they have there, what do I need more. But for now I somehow have to survive here with all these number games of people and words games and so on.

I would just want to spent time with people, like I used to do before I thought that there was no use, that they will probably all just go on and don’t even try to see the simple things, like how simple it is to plant things. Just get some seeds from the previous harvest or let the things spread themselves and so on. And also not just plant one kind, since then you would have to change it each time or such things to keep the soil going and also get problems with possible bugs.

That’s why I always wanted to plant all kind of things mixed and next to each other or such things, but it was never understood and I was not heard.

I still do this for the people who are in much much worse conditions and can’t just lie on the grass or climb a tree or such things.

And did you know that “game law” can also be seen as “hunting rules” or something like that.

And the question whether it makes more sense to cut down forests to plant soy for “vegan” food or meat production and why even apples are declared vegan these days. I just don’t know anymore what I shall say.

(Nothing. Just say nothing, the internet is a place full of madness without you already, don’t make it worse.)

I know…

And the solution, as it always was: “Na… abschalten, einfach abschalten.” (Well… shutdown, just shutdown.)

(But then we would have to go back to pen and paper all together.)

Or maybe just towards nature, since we are still a part of it, although it often seems so absurd since we act as if we can just do whatever we want with it, without any consequences. There are good changes as well, some of us made here and there and hopefully they get more. But then again, why do we still continue with all these factories and such things?

The big one in the town almost looks like a palace or something at night with all these lights and bright colors. I still ask myself why they always have to do that, when it distracts insects and also makes animals in the woods feel uneasy. Putting myself in their position just makes me want to run away, vomit or scream. But being myself is enough reason for that already, I don’t have to first turn into a deer or fox or hedgehog or something.

When I walked through the town and I passed by one of these roads which go pretty diagonal because of the hills, I just wanted to let myself fall and roll down there. But what would it help.

And since basically everything I do is wrong anyway, in the eyes of a society I tried to understand, but better never tried to, I will probably just continue to exist for a little while longer and hope for the best.

Why is it so hard to tell people how simple live could or should be.

Once when the garbage might be cleaned up, after the new garbage production has stopped and we all finally came to the point where we understood that technology wasn’t the best choice after all. I know that people believed that I am primitive, stupid or naive, and boy at times I am and was. But trust me, you don’t want to meet me when I am alone in the woods at night.

(But why? Maybe someone else can just snack you away because they are smarter than you.)

Why can’t I just make the system go away… why… and why is it so easy to manipulate the weather.

(You sure that it doesn’t just happen in your head?)

Well, if that would be the case, then the whole village and all the people I actually met would have been there as well and sometimes it seemed this way, but something told me, that they are also just trapped like I myself.

(It is somehow ironic how you can manipulate the weather, people and animals, even know some things about technology, but you are a complete waste of time when it comes to solving the problem. What a waste…)

Yep… what a waste. And the real problem is, that I usually think that others can do so much more than me, only to usually see how they just meant this or that and I thought about it completely different.

When someone makes a joke or says something with sarcasm or such things and then I sometimes didn’t understand it and thought from my perspective and that I was able to do this and that and saw this and that and then thought: “Oh damn, they can do all THAT and weren’t able to beat the system and reach people… all is lost.” only to realize some time later that they were just making a joke, when they see what I did and I just thought: “Oh, eh… I thought you all could do that.” and they just look “eh no, what is that? how do you do that?” and I just look back “I don’t know, it just happens.” and then awkward silence.

Okay, well this didn’t happen that often, but at least once or twice. And then I just didn’t know anymore what to think, since I had to consider that I am probably just a pointless something which doesn’t make sense.


I don’t know, I just usually feel safer with older people who could be my parents or grandparents. It was always like this. With younger people or people my age, I was just scared that something could happen to them by accident and I also could never really get on the same page. Especially when that page was usually without much words. It was always difficult for me to find words for what I saw or felt or how things were for me. Especially when I didn’t feel the need to form words for all that. When I was younger I of course learned to speak real quick. I just thought that it was normal to also know what others think or to communicate this way, with or without thought words. Sometimes just a feeling or an image could travel this way. But usually it never reached someone and so I thought that it was probably just in my head that I just was this stupid to believe that this could be possible. Especially when we live in a world of sounds, smells and touch. Why would it even make sense to communicate this way. So I later thought that people just joked about these things and other things, since everyone else did, when I mentioned something, thinking that I am stupid to believe or even think that such things could be real. Even when I experienced these things with people at times. In good and in bad ways.

It is difficult to know things for sure or at least to some degree, but then when others mention them and I think, that they know, I just end up laughed about or fooled. So what is the point.


When you look at someone, they usually look back at some point. This also works with animals at times.

But with my father it doesn’t work and with some people it also didn’t.

When there is selective input (when you decide whether you ignore some things or not) you can even stop hearing sound or see for some time, completely drifting away into your own mind or some place or something.

I usually do that when I am around people, since I don’t want to hear their everyday talking or all the noise.

But it is really painful and probably harmful, when you want to do that, but for some reason have to focus just on audio because someone decided to call names from a list and then you always have to pay attention to the voice reading out loud. That is why I have an additional problem with names, I guess, besides the usual “names are just there to categorize” or such things. Some names in some places at least had some meaning and some sense, I guess.

And when you would ask me how you should call me, I wouldn’t know what to answer.

In the past I remembered people based on their faces, their appearance, voice and how I felt and such things. It was much easier than the name. Names confused me.

I know that there might be people who can look similar to me and so on, with animals it is the same. But you usually find some difference, except for twins maybe. And then again, it is how I felt, see and so on and not just a face on a card or a screen or a photo. You can give me names and numbers and such things and I might not understand, but when I see someone, I know or at least can remember.

I mean a name is complicated for me because there are many names which are used many many times and also in multiple ways and one relates it to this thing or someone and another one to something completely different or another person and then they might talk and talk for hours until they figure out that they were talking about something or someone completely different. Like when I think that everyone knows that they could just have an infinite amount of seeds and food for free, but then they tell me that it doesn’t work like that and than I think they make a joke and then they didn’t and I just don’t know anymore.

I know that there are people right now who probably build some houses, just down the street I have seen a new building place. And they think about the house planning or such things. Other people are afraid to die from cancer and someone angry that they can’t get this or that. While a lot of people might think about their life, fear to go under and no one there to catch them. Only to see some people making planes for the next big event and companies keep selling and selling.

At the end there are often still people at some place, at some point.