(A) Number teaching

This is just what my thoughts came up with today and what a distant memory told me about the number teaching I had in school some time ago.

When it helps you, great. If not, at least you were looking at for a few seconds. 🙂

The numbers 0 – 9 with more or less success from what came in mind or what a friendly visual information wave “told” me to do.

Someone: Finally… that took a while…

But I already knew that, it was just that it did hurt to not be sure about it.

Someone: At least it looks interesting. But I am not sure whether it is practical.

Shall I turn the hourglass round and round?

Someone: No, please, just lay it down.

By the way, I think I drew or at least thought something similar about the hourglass and infinity symbol while being in school some time ago. And just thought, well, when I would lay it down instead of letting it stand, it would never run out of time, since time wouldn’t flow because both sides would be equally full or empty at some point and nothing would move. Instead of when the hourglass would stand as it seems to be supposed to be. Then it would have to be turned around after a while.

Someone: Yes, it is called “turn”. Like in: “It is your turn.”

I know, but I couldn’t accept or hold this knowledge or whatever it is back then because everything around me was telling me different things or just painful things and so it seemed that it would be better to let it be, because I wouldn’t have been able to do the things others wanted me to do with this knowledge.

Someone: And why didn’t you just ignore them, when it hurt you?

Because it is hard to ignore people you somewhat care about or who seem to care about you, but would never accept this, at least not like that.

Someone: So you decided to give up on yourself because of others who gave up on themselves?

Something like that…

Someone: And why didn’t you just speak up or stand up for the ones who didn’t want to give up or maybe had, but wouldn’t when you or someone else would have said something?

I don’t know… it seemed all so wild and pointless that I assumed, if there were people who already knew about it, that it wouldn’t matter whether I would or wouldn’t care, even if I did. It was just all so far away because the presented world (or what was mostly accepted by those around me back then – it seemed) was just almost the opposite of the things I saw or thought of or which seemed to make more sense.

Someone: Is the experience of this life boring or exciting for you?

Neither of those, since it just hurts.

Someone: But why when you know that you could change all that?

Because those who don’t want to change it or don’t even know they can, make me feel this way.

Someone: So it isn’t about you yourself?

Look, in some way there might be a connection between people, but only when they want or let it happen. This means that sometimes they might have a choice, sometimes not, but that only when they at least start to decide for themselves what they want, they could change things.

Someone: Something like that. And why don’t you do much?

Look, I do, even when I don’t know what exactly it is I am doing.

Someone: And your mother gives you a hard time because she is so angry because of her work at the moment and still cares for it so much, that you are hurt like hell. Besides the things you did to yourself. While it of course is a matter of the point of view. Like it is with many things.

I know, that is what broke me last time because I thought that maybe everyone else was okay with what happened.

Someone: But you knew it couldn’t be, could it?

I am never sure, was never sure. But at least it seemed that it wasn’t and couldn’t be this way, that everyone was okay. Only some who decided that things have to be a certain way.

Someone: So it is clear that when you know what you wouldn’t want or probably didn’t do or want to do, that you are not part of their “game” and therefor there is a difference and change is possible.

Yes, I guess so…

Someone: You have to be sure.

I was probably more sure some time ago.

Someone: But now is what matters.

I am sure.

Someone: And you wait for what?

That those who hurt me passively would stop doing so.

Someone: And you also have to stop hurting yourself.

I know, it just seemed easier because it hurt more than what others could do and it was myself, so it was my fault. Like an infinite torture for yourself because the other torture was what I couldn’t change. But with this one it did hurt more, but I could tell myself that it was my decision and that I could stop, if there would finally be a reason to stop.

Someone: So why did it need to be this dramatic and overwhelmingly painful, destructive and critical (to not say stupid again)?

Maybe I had to?

Someone: Maybe… at least you learned something.

Did I?

Someone: Yes, that the energy you send out comes back.

No, that wasn’t what I learned because then it would mean that the reason why others hurt me was my fault.

Someone: I mean, you could have just ignored it.

But then it still wouldn’t have change how things were and I might not have understood the reason for their actions.

Someone: Yes.

And what does it help?

Someone: Because you were “too wild”, others couldn’t handle it, especially since you weren’t really sure or knowing about your power. Therefor you either hurt them, willingly or not and so they hurt you back, willingly or not.

But we can agree that earth does have a limit and at some point, when the limit is overdone, it would be earth or nature that would win or should win.

Someone: Yes, because before the earth would be or get lost because of some demons or humans or whatever, robots… Nature would have to take action.

So the only thing would again be to stop those who can’t stop themselves?

Someone: Either that or they will cause all to fall apart. Which could be inevitable and also even wanted, would the survivors or alive people go out as winners it might be “okay”, but the price is too high…

Why is it that I can stop myself, but others can’t or that they maybe just stop themselves from doing things to change their life?

Someone: But you also could just run away from everything, but you don’t.

Sure, but I wouldn’t get far, since the others would continue anyway, wouldn’t they?

Someone: Probably. I mean, you can stop yourself and at least partially control yourself.

And what about the others?

Someone: Like with yourself, they had a reason for why they started to want to either gain power or control over others or something. You still isolate yourself because you are afraid to hurt others and you maybe would still do, although you wouldn’t want to.

I am really not sure. I am sorry that I am or became like this. I don’t know why, probably I was just bad, I don’t know… But at least I tried to only be bad to myself and let others be. But at some points that didn’t work and now it also shouldn’t be that way anymore. Even if others would maybe enjoy their ways of hurting others, I don’t, not really. It was more this: “Haha FUN. HURTING IS FUN! People enjoy it, so it must be. hehe….” thing… but it really doesn’t matter.

Someone: I mean, you could do things which would otherwise not be considered good and just do them and probably survive, but why would you?

Yes. Why would anyone? I think it is because they are either lost within something, either themselves, others or this madness something created. Even if it was I myself, for some reason.

Someone: Even if you were, at least now you could stop it.

Like walking around and yelling things?

Someone: No………

Look, others make music, make this and that.

Someone: And you did this here. Whatever it is, maybe it helped someone who needed it.

But is experiencing things worth the pain?

Someone: Probably not.

I mean, nature also is in itself a little painful, when you see bear fathers kill the children of a bear mother, just because this way they think they could make her “available” again. Or when people just make others do things against their will, either as long as their will is broken or they are gone or I don’t know.

Someone: You might never fully know what will be, since you don’t see as clear as others, but hopefully soon things might change. The limitation of will power or power is time, but only when you let the time flow and accept its “flow”.

Yes, I know, when I just stand still and everything else would continue to spin or turn, I could stay as I am, while the other things would change.

Someone: But it would be lonely and depressing, if it would be just you alone doing or seeing this.

Yes. It was always that way, which was the reason why being with others made me sometimes feel better.

Someone: You can be alone with yourself and still happy, if you want to and let it happen.

Sure, but it would never really give me what being with others (who wouldn’t want to hurt) would give.

Someone: It will be, it will be possible.

But guess what… I have to sacrifice it to safe everyone else?

Someone: I don’t know… I mean, maybe something, but I think being here and not blocking, but at least somewhat supporting others might be enough.

Why am I never sure…

Someone: Because you believe and trust others, even when they wouldn’t trust themselves or think that they are evil, bad or crazy. Or should I say, care for them, although you also punch around you like a whirlwind at times, which makes it hard to reach you, without getting hit.

I know… 😦

Why am I so separate from myself at times?

I mean to trust yourself you have to be honest with yourself and others you want to be with and I tried to do that, but I am just not sure at times whether it is a good thing. I have my problems and I did things I don’t know really why, out of reaction rather then sense.

Somehow I split myself and put myself together again many times because I am not sure whether it is good or bad to be “whole”, when somehow others don’t seem to be. I mean, when they would be happy to be and wouldn’t have all these pointless, painful things no one needs, only because some people or something decided to just sit in houses, buildings and eat things and do things without risk. And then I risk something and hell breaks loose…

Someone: In trying new things lies the life.

But we shouldn’t do everything, should we? Overwhelming pain or destruction is nothing which is fun or makes much sense. When you play games with friends or tell stories, you can go as dark as you want, as long as you later still have each other and all are really okay with what they do, I guess. Although it might be strange to want to be beaten up by your friends. So often people hurt themselves or want to get hurt because it is the only thing they might have left to feel, to make them feel that they are still alive, whatever it means to them or others.

Someone: I agree, doing things alone is boring at some point, even when it might have been fun for quite some time. And I also agree that pain and destruction and these have their limits. When you maybe hit a friend in the back for fun and the friend also does that at times and you both just do it for fun or maybe even as greeting, that is not pain, even when it hurts. But getting beaten up by others who just think it is fun, is usually even more painful than the physical pain. I mean you could fight back and should, but sometimes when things seem pointless people might just let things happen, like you did at some point.

Yes, a friendly fight might be great at times, even when you get hurt a little, as long as afterwards things would settle again. And nature also has this and that. But unlike with what humans either created or obeyed towards, nature usually has or had everything set in a way that it would work infinitely and also be wonderful. Although some things might be painful, like a wolf eating a pig or something. Well… I don’t know. But some things might not have to stay and when even people could stop eating (although that usually didn’t go that well, did it?) or change what they eat or need, why shouldn’t this be possible for other things? Nature is capable of recreating itself, but not everything within it can or should, depending on the needs of others.

Someone: Yes, when something is already good, you shouldn’t change it, should you?

No, but some people couldn’t get enough. A clear separation between me and them.

Someone: Yes, it is optional to separate yourself and many do this, be it people or animals, even insects. Sometimes it might have had a reason or was good for something nonetheless, but often it wasn’t. One day this sickness will pass, this sickness to want more or be more than someone else.

Yes, for me it was great that others have things or could do things I couldn’t and that I could help them with what I knew or could do. Even when it wasn’t that much at times. Sometimes just the time together was worth it, even when the actual thing didn’t work out later.

Someone: Without a little fun, what would be life? But then again, some things just shouldn’t be the way they are now. Be it your fault or not, you saw it was wrong, so it can’t be all your doing.

The way some or most of us choose to live with or live in or “got pushed” to live in, is toxic and doesn’t make sense. It is like calling a tree a rabbit. The rabbit isn’t a tree because it isn’t a plant and runs around and that and the tree stands around and provides us with fresh air, sometimes even water, a little cool in summer and maybe even some protection in winter and also calms us, just watching it, as well as the rabbit.

Someone: Yes, some things just shouldn’t be mixed, some things should be as they are and others might change on their own, like the weather (more or less).

Yes, and we shouldn’t forget, that nature on this planet is – or was – the way it was because of the conditions. On other planets (or whatever might be out there), there could be and probably are completely different things. Separating ourselves through external things makes it difficult to see or understand the complexity or how things work or don’t work together, since we would just look at them through something else, like this screen for example.

Someone: Exactly. When you just look at this screen, besides the possible effect of lowering your overall sight, you just see a “fixed” amount of colors and things and so on. Although it could be more, but the point is, that looking at a tree through a picture is never the same as looking at it first hand.

Well, or imagining it or dreaming about it.

Someone: Yes, or that. Because the picture itself is just light particles burned into paper or some other materials and it usually isn’t alive. I mean, when pictures change, then something is not right, I suppose. But when you look at the actual thing while being there it always is the full thing. You smell the environment, you hear it, you sense things which might be beyond and might (depending on the place or thing) not want to leave. While looking at a photo somehow could either mean that you just remember a memory and then think about the actual thing, maybe revisiting it in your head or I don’t know. But actually you make “photos” yourself, so why would you need to use external devices to do the same thing or “trick”? Especially when then most of the things have to happen inside your or going out from you anyway.

Yes, like with these numbers, representing points where lines cross each other or corners appear.

Someone: Although you didn’t really get all numbers right. But at least the concept was somewhat understood or in your case, remembered.

Yay… I am not useless.

Someone: Stop saying that. Please…

Hopefully soon…

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