Earths and nerves…




Now that we had to watch some more confusing and strange things, let us move somewhere more safe.

Well, it might be just a setting, but at least it makes more sense than what happened in the previous video.


This was a great little history lesson and I wish such things would have been told and taught around the world, instead of the names of several U.S. presidents or their “achievements” (coughs).


This is the face you make when someone says, that you should be thankful for the opportunities in your country and all the great stuff in it. But you live in the U.S. or some (more or less) similar countries.


When they said, that the people in the center studied and became arrogant, I just think of how a lot of people in our “world” are and feel sad. The positive thing might be that people can choose who they want to marry or whether they want to, but all the stress, expectations, dependencies and technologies make it hard to live (although a lot of people would say it makes everything easier…).

If I would not have been paralyzed and unable to really feel good about my life because I have seen how things go to shit, especially when people get more “developed”, while it shouldn’t be this way.

Two completely different worlds.

It is sad how people often study and then forget the basics of life.

The good we have learned wherever we live can be shared and should be shared, but most of what the modern world has to offer comes either at a high price for others or just for your own health. The good things are often overseen, not understood or even recognized (as such) and some people already live in plastic worlds or virtual worlds.

It is always so frustrating and depressing to see, that people elsewhere where just getting their food and being more warm-hearted and peaceful and just lived in a way, while people here are just always busy about nothing and focused on things like money and “progress”. It makes me especially sad when people than could go away from the mountains or such places in search for things and then end up in a 40 hours per week job without any chances of getting away from it or hope to be free because you have to pay for everything and work for everything (it seems). Pretty crazy, don’t you think?

What the people could share would be the good things like that people in Europe and other countries can choose what to do with their life more freely and also things about the impact of soil and different plants and such things, while also realizing that you can eat grass or some flowers. I mean, I knew that from my mother and also tried it myself and it makes sense, but then you go into a city here and all of a sudden people eat sugar bunnies and I ask myself whether we live on the same planet. And now my mother and I often eat sweet things as well, she probably more than me and I actually don’t want to and also don’t want her to eat these things anymore like other things as well, but it is pretty hard when you are under pressure and afraid and more or less left alone. Especially with a husband / father who breaks plants and does everything some men (even strangers) say to him, as long as it has to do with his religion or the government. You can’t really relax at all and he just runs around “busy” a lot and complains or reminds my mother of things she doesn’t even have to care about. He even told her that she should work when she was sick or in holidays and made her feel sorry for it at times… but he can be at home all my life while making me feel like shit as well, instead of letting me do some useful things or use what I knew for something good, maybe.

I wouldn’t be able to live on the mountains or such things on my own, meaning that I wouldn’t be able to get there on my own because of how heavy things are inside me and how unable to handle things I am.

Unlike other people I know why, but it doesn’t make it any better when you get reminded that you are basically toxic waste for your own government, at least some parts of it or the society. Especially when you want to tell them how to make things properly or at least how it might make more sense or encourage young or old to make things different and think outside the boxes. For example that nature has all kinds of ways to communicate, ensure its own durability (if we would have let it be) and how to help it and so on. Instead people are busy with their “I have the biggest ding dong” games or “My country, great country” and such bullshit. If it would just be arrogance… I think if these people would have visited China, Germany or the U.S. and stayed there for seven years (if they would have been allowed and accepted ……) they would have probably lost their minds. I mean, maybe not, if they would have had someone trustworthy and open-minded with a good sense to help them, but it is hard to find such people it seems. At least when you look around and only see cars, skyscrapers and machines all day long (okay I don’t see skyscrapers where I live, but it doesn’t mean they don’t exist…).

I would love to see a few politicians eat grass for the first time… 😀

Somehow this video was expressing something similar to what I wrote in the little basic fictive story (you know I am not that original and very generic when it comes to stories and things, but that’s what happens when you see too much and try to forget…).

T – 1: Neun Worte

When one of the women told that her 13 year old son hung himself at home and that he went to school, but she doesn’t really know why or what happened, I just had to think about my own life. Only that I live in Germany and not on a mountain village (although my village is also on mountains in a way, but not like 4,000 meters above see level) and way, way more “developed” … :/

Usually people might not understand the relation between going to school and killing yourself, since it shouldn’t be that way or be in relation. But when you understand the connections around the world and how things might develop and how little you can do to stop it, it breaks you…

Sure, I can’t say why he did it, but thoughts get there more easily.

It makes you (hopefully) question why we even have things like a military or air planes and such things.

Sure, it might be interesting to have a little plane, maybe one that just uses the wind and hot air, but then you see an Airbus or such C-130 or worse and what made them “happen” and what they are used for and you just scream…

People from a village would maybe just be happy to see their village from above for once and have such an experience, since they are used to not have much. But then you see “educated” people fly around with air planes each year, sometimes several times a month or trains and stuff and it is just normal for them or even boring and “too slow” or too expensive… when this girl said that the travel was expensive, that was something else because for her that were just other dimensions you could say. People there work or worked with little things, more basic things and then people here are angry when their iPhone isn’t as good as the phone that other guy has and so they end up having 20 phones or more throughout their lives, sometimes even throwing them away (for fun)… and I see Chinese workers dying in factories, jumping out of buildings, people die in mines to get these precious metals and stuff and how there are mono-cultures of plants and all and am beyond suicide…

Yesterday I was feeling very warm again and also light-weight, as I sometimes feel when I am ready to “lift-off”.

It is just as if my feet barely touch the ground and move as if there isn’t much weight to carry, as if with the next step I could fly away, should I not pay attention. This feeling is actually very good, I feel very free, calm and relaxed, but it seems wrong when it happens in a somewhat trapped life. Everything is funny then and easy or far away, but in the back I still know about all the things… It is like: “What does it matter, soon I am gone anyway…” :/

While I actually hope or dream about how we could actually live together peacefully and good, without killing others or ourselves and all these weird things and just see how it goes.

All would truly be better if women would have a say everywhere and also be respected and not just “accepted”. Hearing that this one woman was kidnapped by men because of tradition was just sad and also what these women say about their lives and work… if the women would be our leaders and men would have their role, I think most things would be different. Especially because we would finally work more together as one and also make things properly and really livable for everyone. Why is it so hard for people to get that… especially those who think they have the most say and important role (e.g. Donal Trump, Xi Jinping, etc.). Just that these kind of systems exist is a shame in itself (great understatement).

And when the 13 year old girl said that herding the animals was hard and boring because she had no friends it was also very sad because I imagine it to be fun and easy, if you aren’t alone. All these things that could be… and instead we have factories and people who work themselves to death for a few who take and take and talk garbage all day and fight pointless wars and destroy things for pointless gains… :/

I just wanted to plant sun flowers in the garden as a kid and was happy to dig out or plant potatoes and such or harvest strawberries and apples. I was happy, even when I did things without friends, things like this. Life didn’t have to be about much more, but then you get told that you have to do other things and also somehow pay for the land you live on, although the earth belongs to everyone equally in a way, so it makes no sense to pay for it, when it already belongs to everyone. It only makes sense to respect others and that you aren’t alone on this earth, so the land is usable by everyone. But I wouldn’t mind if people would want some apples or other things (if my trees weren’t dying thanks to my father cutting around on them each year or other things… :/ ) And we would eat them or make some apple purée, my mother sometimes made, when my father didn’t give away all our apples and berries to others, so we had to buy things for ourselves… :/ Life, what a wonderful thing, if you wouldn’t be forced to give it away.

This documentary made me cry, especially near the end. ;(

Because there could have been such a good time for all these women and children and instead it was or turned this way… at least they had their moments together. Maybe now it makes sense that I wish I were a woman. And I liked how the french woman got called a child, like the husband. 😀

It made me feel better, but also sad as well.

I really don’t like to be a man and never really understood why I should be one…

People might think that I would want to be a woman because I want to be a princess or whatever weird things people think… and I can’t blame them. But I was born as a fighter, intelligent, warm hearted and out for justice and nature.

For me it was clear that I could rely on women and what they teach or tell, at least those who have had to do survive and fight for their life, like my mother and her mother and some of the older teachers I had in school. Most men never really gave me what I searched for, hoped for or understood what I was thinking. Only some older ones sometimes, like my grandfather. Besides all he did wrong in his life, he listened to me and my mother and was happy to have us. He didn’t believe that he would get such a gift in his life and wanted to make sure that we are safe, unlike my father…

I am thankful to be an idiot among other men or women, as long as I can help those who need my presence.


Down here is the 8th episode from the TV show Stargate: SG1, which I still highly recommend to anyone who has some time and curiosity about where the future might lead us or how to live different. From all episodes, I think the following was the one with the biggest impact on myself.


Yesterday mother and I were walking through the fields in one of the villages around town. We also saw a lot of other people who walked through the forest and things, but where we went we only met one man with his two dogs. One of them, a male on, wanted to go to my mother and seemed very excited and happy, but the man called him back. He told us that people usually don’t like it when the dog comes to them or even jumps up at them in joy because he could make their clothes dirty (some people have problems……) so he just called the dog back, since he didn’t know we wouldn’t have a problem. And his other dog, a female, just walked slowly towards me from the other side and passed by me and mother very close, I could have pet the dog, that close. She even stopped behind me and my mother and looked at us for a moment and then continued walking down the path. The man told us that she is actually very shy and usually doesn’t go near people or is afraid of others.

This isn’t new for me and my mother, since I already told you that even a cat I met randomly on a street, acted as if she belonged to me or I to her (or him, but I thought it was a female, I don’t know). And also some dogs from other people in the past liked to see me or my mother, one time a man even got angry at his dog because the dog just acted as if my mother was the owner, which obviously made the man seem stupid in front of his friends or colleagues (or who they were), as my mother told me once. And then almost angry called the dog back.

Some animals or even people just sense that we are different from the rest of the people here or at least how most of the people you usually see here are. And that you can be or talk with us about anything and also do all kinds of things others would think is crazy or dumb or I don’t know.

I didn’t understand my body or why I would have to be a man or do “man things”. I didn’t even understand why I should marry someone or why it would be a problem to have girls or women as friend. Especially that friendship for me meant something else than for most people here, it seemed. For people in Europe or at least Germany and France maybe or I don’t know, it is quite common to go drink alcohol with friends, go to parties and such things and I just never did that or even felt the need for it. And in case I was somewhere, then I am sorry should I have forgotten. I sometimes don’t even know how old I am or when I was born, okay… and sometimes I also don’t want to know as I wished I would have never been born or learned a thing, other than what my mother told me or what nature offered…

But that is what you have to go through in order to understand the problems and stop it from happening or I don’t know…

I mean, I just know that men usually want stupid things and then cause women to also want these things or do them…

If I wouldn’t have to write or talk or watch these videos and share them with you, because we would live in a world of wisdom or whatever, in which it would be clear that women are life and women give life and without them nothing would be… but hey, only because I am a man means that I can’t know that, since all men are childish. 😀

You really should have seen me as a child with my uncommon high voice and will. Unlike this broken shit I became now, that I forcefully wanted to get rid of myself in an invisible way to not hurt my mother and wished that I would have been able to live just as long as she might survive, so I could die after her. But I also didn’t want her efforts to be all for nothing… it was just so terrible and terrifying. I thought that would she be dead one day, I might bring her to rest (a forest grave without anything, just a cheap burial as she wanted it to be, like I myself) and then probably just jump down somewhere or whatever.

It is so sad that your own mother doesn’t want you to suffer, but you suffer because you know that you would suffer anyway and then you both try to comfort each other and pretend you are okay, while you are not and meanwhile the father/husband complains that we are not going to church, that it is not okay for a son to live with his mother (while she lives in my house his father built and gave me instead of him so my mother and I would have a stay where we wouldn’t have to pay rent). Sadly at the cost of having to live next to a man who just complains, breaks and gives away everything useful we once had or might need. I don’t know how many grass cutters he broke, but surely more than a handful and even complains that I didn’t cut my grass and cuts it anyway, even when I told him a hundred times that he shouldn’t. Well, even my mother at times, but at least she had the reason that it would be harder to walk through, unlike my father: The neighbors do it and there could be ticks in it…

This is like saying: “All people suffer, so you have to suffer as well because I also did.” And then you see how some people chill away and don’t care about anything and also how people could also not suffer in a good and responsible way, but none of it matters since “ALL HAD TO SUFFER”.

For my mother I know why she sometimes refuses to believe in it, but sometimes when we can freely talk, when my father isn’t around and there isn’t a hurry, she also remembers her childhood and that despite it being hard it was a different time and that they also still were more in touch with animals or nature. When I was little me and mother sometimes walked through the forest or even collected wild berries, but then father sent her to work (while of course washing his hands in innocence, since soon after he said: “See, I told you it wasn’t a good idea.” but of course wanting the benefits and didn’t want to do a thing…). Sometimes she even had to cook for me in between the work time.

No wonder I later listened to metal music at times or just tried to destroy my mind.

Maybe Commissario Brunetti would have also said: “Oddio!”, when going through the things I listened to or thought and did. (Donna Leon, “Stille Wasser”)

Why do these babies in their “top” positions make our lives so hard?

I don’t need things, I never needed much, all I needed was already there, some people, something to eat, something to dream about and nature to walk around. I didn’t have much and also didn’t want or need much. But how can you tell that people or make it clear to them, when all around you they all just want more and more and faster and faster…

I also became like that, but in my case it was about dying. And the reincarnation thought just made it even more unbearable for me because I thought: “It will never end this madness until all is dead…”

For me I never understood why men or especially white people were meant or seen or thought to be more than others or even superior beings or whatever. I mean for me they were usually less, when it came to earth and living and being open and kind, but then again, they are also still people.

Only because we get told that things have to be hard and are supposed the way they are or become, we suffer or think we have to. But those who want to know can see that is makes no sense.

It took some time for me to realize that men were making women and other people work for them and fulfill their stupid and idealistic dreams without much sense for anything… but it was even worse, when it seemed that some girls or women even didn’t seem to have got it. But maybe it was just their confused silence as it was mine…

You just lose your mind at some point, when almost everyone seems to either lie or hide or do crazy things and call it normal and you just don’t know anymore at some point what to think. Especially when most of what you feel, see or think is called or said to be crazy, impossible wrong or just unrealistic… but military space crafts are realistic… yeaaaaa.


And my father still tries to convince me that he wears his fine clothes because he wanted me to be a good man, but I just didn’t listen to his “great advise”. He also listens to some preachers because they talk well (yes, he said it this way, not even what they said) and the things they do and wear. And when THEY do that, it must be right… (eye itches and eye-lids flutter randomly) The hell… and no, I don’t write it because I watched this, I write it because I didn’t see a reason in clothing as a child, but hey… father knows. But I also liked the clothes my mother did or could make.

It is just sad that people need more and a lot of clothes, when I would have got along with a few clothes, if I could have just lived the way I wished or wanted to. 😦

But it is obvious that clothes get stinky and you all sweaty when you are always stressed to death and are pressing out adrenaline or whatever. When I have times when I hadn’t stress I didn’t even have to shower in a week and still was somewhat fresh. Would I have had a river nearby in which I could have easily go that would have also been great.

Just the concept of having to take a bath is because of all this stress and “going to toilet” is theoretically optional, would you only eat what you need and let your body get all out of the things you do eat or drink. And the rest could go into nature again, should there be something left. We often have to go to the toilet because we eat more than we need or because in our foods are substances the body can’t process or aren’t needed in such an amount. This way it could also be a problem to have that kind of waste, since it would actually not be good for nature. Not to forget that plastics and metals and stuff we use almost daily.

For me it was clear as a child, but most people don’t get it even when they are old…

(Stop it, you know less than other people and you know that.)

Yes voice in my head, I know. I just wish that more people would at least know what I know, so they would understand what you want from them.

(True…)


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