Sadly my trauma was not only increased, but also caused by people who simply continue their daily lives as if nothing is happening around the world, as if nothing gets destroyed or is necessary to make their lives possible. So how should I trust people or get really a feeling of safety, sanity and peace when I am surrounded by people who, instead of helping and changing where help is needed, even increase the problem.
This is like saying to me: “You should be okay with all of this, your trauma is just surreal, you must be faking it.”
Only to show them all of this blog, all of the things around the world and then see how their faces slowly turn inwards and I think: “Wait, do you really want to tell me, that you didn’t know that?”
People: “There was a label on it saying ‘Healthy food’ or ‘Natural Experience'”
And then my brain just decides to move out of my head and fly into the heavens.
(But this video actually shows that, but it depends on your perspective.)
Water check: I take, I put it on hand, if I don’t get itchy, then good.
This is one of the best descriptions of our “modern” world.
Basically showing how most people experience their environment. The problem is, that there are a lot of chemicals, poisons and other toxic substances which might even taste good, are invisible, don’t do short-term harm or just “settle” on your body on terrain and so on. In other words, this man could do the same with radioactive water and say the same. But probably after some weeks or months or years, he would get some problems with his hand and arm. I am kinda sorry for him, but I am more sorry for the environment and the people who try to safe it.
“Have you ever tested the rice.”
purplish water flows down the fields
Meanwhile I eat some noodles and think: “Just how I remember and imagined it.”
For me I just look around me and I see toxic things, eat toxic things and just ignore it in a way because it doesn’t matter mostly since no matter where I get things from, it might all be contaminated. Even in my own garden, since my grandfather sometimes used some little blue snail poison balls and some of it obviously is in the soil now. Besides some fertilizers and stuff… But hey…
Maybe you get a feeling why it is hard for an optimist like me to want to live.
People: But what you mostly write is either weird, crazy or pessimistic.
Optimism… it is called optimism.
People: No, if you would be optimistic, you would say, that most people want to help the environment and learned about it in school.
My mother: Most of it fades away or doesn’t really reach people.
And I think, that at worst the education about the topic gives false idea that a lot of people are on the case. Especially when you see how people are still building cities and factories to this day or even make them “more efficient”.
But then again, you have to use what we have and then think about the basics.
People: Yes, going to school, building a house, having a family, saving money.
Brain: Can I kill myself now.
Heart: No. No, you can’t.
Brain: Can I kill you and then kill me?
Heart: You could, but…no, NOOO, NOOOOOO you don’t! Not again, we have been through this so many times now.
Brain: But maybe it is just a dream? (laughs crazy)
Heart: You know it isn’t. 😦
Brain: Yes… 😦
And it is especially painful that people here (civilized world) are worried about their health because of a virus and stuff or that they won’t get good grades in school or a career (whatever that is). Especially when I see how people think or say that people in Africa, Asia or South America are causing their own problems and should finally get more like us and be educated to be more like us. And I just think: “So you want to educate them into ignoring our earth, destroy it more and also accuse them that they were responsible for the wars europeans or other people brought upon them in order to steal their resources, use them as slaves or just have fun with them?
People: But that was in the past.
Brain: Can I die now?
Heart: cries …
And you know, that has been since I was little. But go on… tell me that I want to die because of this or that or that my depression will go away. But yes, I know when and how. When all these people with their fancy glass and steal buildings hit their faces on solid rock (or just wake up or confess that they are either evil or dumb). Hopefully sooner than later.
At least in the end there was one company actually making the water seemingly drinkable again.
I am thankful for it, because at least 1 is better than nothing.
As I was younger I thought that we would need things which could be done again and again and also be clean.
Like a simple example that you can eat fruits and vegetables and offer them your waste as dung or such things.
The worst thing was, that at the end they state that the water of the river will be drinkable by 2025.
People: But that is a good thing.
Yes, sure, if until then not a hundred other things happen until everyone forgets about it again.
And the other thing is, it shouldn’t have become not drinkable in the first place and just that it would need a decade or so to make it drinkable again (the optimistic approach) shows how deep all of it goes.
I mean I as a child thought, that I should better not do things before I don’t know the impact, but then I see how everyone just does things without much thinking or investigating. Just that they didn’t check the water themselves and weren’t trusting the numbers the investigators in this film showed them shows how untrustworthy our western world is. You believe numbers and a piece of paper with some symbols or trust in it more than some people who have eyes, nose and ears and a basic sense for nature. Besides the things they also used which weren’t all that natural (like smart phones), but in these times where a lot of people from around the world use them, at least they use them for good.
Reader: Hey, don’t always say such negative things about people who at least do something, especially when you use a computer most of the day and can’t even protect your own garden…
Fair enough… It is just that I am done all the time and still have this big factory next to my house with these fancy black, gray and white cars and people doing important things, like selling cars and such things or whatever they do. I don’t know… I just know that they seem to have security cameras now and people from elsewhere work here and it just feels like a crime to walk past it at night. Before it was at least a factory producing things made out or based around wood and people were mostly from around and seemed more peaceful and not all that stressed or scary.
I liked to walked around there or play there because it reminded me of a big castle or fortress and then I could play there with my imagination. But now it just feels like a deadly scary machinery place. I used to wave and greet people working there when I was little and some people from here also were walking around the area or using the parking lot for learning how to drive or such things. Now it just feels as if I am in another world when I go outside.
Sure even before it wasn’t the best place to be for various reasons, but at least better than being in a city.
Now I just want to live under a stone because everything here gets “modernized” as well and also darker and darker, while people get more simple it seems. Especially when you almost have to feel guilty for not having a solar panel on your roof, while not really having much of an option to make it possible, not to forget that some of the substances necessary to make them, seem also rare and so on. It is like telling me that burning fossil fuels is bad, while making me feel bad that I don’t have a car and want to exploit other people in other countries to make everything seem nice here.
“What you don’t see doesn’t bother you.” or “Aus den Augen aus dem Sinn.” or whatever people are acting upon around the western world.
I mean for me it was obvious that things had to come from somewhere else, especially after playing some video games or exploring nature myself. I know that I might not be able to ever get peace here or behave like a being that is through and through good, but at least I know the impact of my actions. It just seems to not bother or interest most other people (those who are mostly responsible for the problems) and then instead shame the people in other countries for not doing useful things (while making them do that to wash their own hands in “innocence”). I know the game, thanks..
And when you ask me, why I then do stupid things and tried to destroy myself in immoral ways?
Well… look around and tell me that it is just me who does that again…
At least I tried to make it humane and fast, so I wouldn’t have to suffer that long like others.
But I still hope that this here and what some people do will make a change.
It really is the only reason I am keep on living.
My mother this week was again asking whether I am sick because I spent a lot of time in bed or just in front of the screen the rest of the time. But the alternative is to see the increasingly dark world around where I live or everywhere and how people even feel good when they buy new cars because the seller promises to be good for the environment and no one asks themselves that in order to produces a car you need several kinds of metals, plastics and all kinds of other chemical substances, some of them toxic and imported from other countries or that the cells are also not that good and so on. But hey… now they have an e-car instead of a fossil car, while I personally would have said no car. But who listens to a young man who is sitting in front of a screen or stays in bed because he wants to be dead. 🙂
People: See, he is dumb and irresponsible, he knows that it isn’t good for him and the environment to sit in front of a screen, but he does it anyway.
Brain: FUN! 🙂
Remember, Swiss people are neutral.
Reader: Now I see why.
And Germans are blind.
Reader: But the youtube channel is from german people.
Thank you. You understood, that we are all human beings, some are just less alive than others.
Reader: What do you mean with less alive?
Did I say alive? I meant, down here on earth.
Reader: Hey, stop making me seem like a fool, while you are the idiot here.
Let’s just stop using words, shall we?
Reader: But how?
Reader: Oh, I see.