I still remember the movies about the Atomic bombs. How people burned alive in an instant, how others tried to run away and how they raised their heads into the sky when it began to rain. They praised the rain to ease their hurt, the pain from the heat, the radiation and all the struggles. Only to be greeted by black liquid they mistook for water and those who drank it either died or got (even more) sick. How people flew suicide missions or just jumped down from cliffs … and now people still kill themselves, although they should never have a reason to.
And you ask yourself, why should people “just” end their life, when they seemingly have everything, of what others get told they need to be happy?
Well, maybe they see where it all goes, feel alone, lost and not understood. Surrounded by machines who were once alive and cities of mass destruction. Phantom pain, because there is not life in cold walls and roads, only the nature can provide us with all of this.
It is a wonder that not many more people ended their lives and way, way too many did or lost it for some people’s dream or others stupidity, ignorance, madness or simply greed.
It is not okay that those who would probably do anything, if they could just be sure they are wanted here and that we can make it through this big dark madness together, are often those left alone. Because they don’t want houses, they don’t want money, they don’t want important roles or fancy stuff… if they could they might just wander across the lands, collect some seeds, watch some animals and eat what nature has to offer. Maybe I am just dreaming here all the time, maybe I am just talking all nonsense and there is no use, I don’t know. I just know that when I was little I had rapid eye movement while being awake and that dream and reality are often side-by-side with me, making it hard for me to see the difference and also what of it is just me having a breakdown and what might be an actually important thing.
Everyone is busy with something I guess, I just tried to do what seemed that I had to do or just what somehow came in mind. For example, kind of hacking the YouTube algorithm by investing a lot of time and energy and emotions through collecting and navigating through all kinds of different types of videos. Because again, I didn’t need internet not even a computer or anything when I was a child, I used my imagination and my broken mind to help myself and play around. But at some point you realize that this isn’t enough and the people with the machines will just continue, since they live in a world of 1 and 0 or in worlds in which everything just continues or it doesn’t really matter what you do. At first it helped me to realize that I am indeed capable of godly things, but then I just saw how no-one else around me seemed to understand it and so I wasn’t sure whether I was just going crazy or what, which wouldn’t have been a surprise for myself with all the strange things happening around me.
When I realized as a child that nature was precious and had to be protected, thanked for and all, I knew that I just shouldn’t want things I didn’t really need. And I didn’t need things, except some food maybe. But other people always seemed to have needed things and continued to change nature, destroy it or just use it for things I knew weren’t necessary… so I started to freak out and also started to destroy nature “for fun” because I just couldn’t understand it all anymore. With all these people telling me this and that and doing weird things… I just thought, maybe that’s part of life, you have to have fun enjoying all what is good (yourself included). And that’s when I started to sometimes kill bugs and snails or just ripped off flowers and such things. Because I knew that it all made no sense and I didn’t understand why I as a little child seemed to have understood it all (in a way), while adults or old people tried to tell me how it is and that I know nothing… but on the other hand were searching for answers elsewhere as well and telling young people to do the same. Not all of course and I am thankful for all the (mostly) female teachers and people who showed me and others stories, movies and told others about the destruction and madness and trials to stop it.
It is horrible that a child wants to die because it just wanted to be able to live in peace, while others spent decades of pain with destroying or helping to destroy our wonderful planet, only to realize it in the end, if even.
If you would hold any kind of weapon against me, I would help you finish the job.
Because I am only here because I know that people who don’t want all that crap should stay and help each other.
It is just so damn hard to not lose your mind, when people around you are busy complaining about their technical problems or how they could fly to another country this year or last year, while I would have been just fine staying in a prison cell for hundred years, if I would have just had a little bit to eat and water. Because nothing more was my life, at least when it comes to my soul. Think what you want, say what you want, I still think that a part of me is a woman. And if it is just mother earth I pushed away all these years because I wanted her to kill me. I tried to give her reason, tried to give myself reason to end it, but it just didn’t happen, instead I am still here.
I know you might also have gone through this, as these days probably more and more people experience such feelings, thoughts and all.
Maybe you have noticed the yellow coats or clothes here and there. They might not be just coincidence, no matter how important a person seems or how “uninformed”. People thought I was dumb and crazy, but they didn’t know that I never was, that I wasn’t sure and therefor lost my mind doing weird things, nonsense and so on. Why? Because it seemed a lost cause. Something like: “You have the answer to all you need to know to be happy, but you will never get there because the others won’t let you until all is dead and destroyed, here you go, have fun. Oh and don’t try to change it, they won’t understand it anyway.” So I thought, well, maybe I should try to understand them or just try to find a way to destroy myself. Who would have thought that this actually was part of the solution we needed to make a good end to the madness.
And the more people the better.
Don’t think that I was relevant or want to be, I know that many, many people have lived ages before me and probably did better things or did more and so on. I know, I am just a little maggot who would wish to be eaten.
I just hope I was stupid enough to give it a chance, although I saw that there seemed to way.
(Can you finally stop with this boring things you always write and repeat, will ya?!)
Eh… yeah.. sorry.
(Do you really think people still care? They are all just blooming or dooming or shrooming away or whatever? Don’t you know?)
That’s why I write about it because if it doesn’t matter, then at least I didn’t do nothing.
(But you know that by still using your computer you help to destroy the planet because it…)
YES, I KNOW YOU DAMN LITTLE voice…
(Bro, easy… We are actually still in time and we have the random factor on our side, so nothing to worry.)
I told myself that all these years, but nothing really big and good happened, last year something happened and this year we might fully turn the course around. If I won’t make, I would at least wish that the others do, no matter what would happen to me or my body or whatever. I never really cared that much about it, since I knew if I would just have my forests and people safe, what does it matter who or where I am.
Most of the time I think about all these species and people worrying about their lives, running, screaming, crying and being afraid, while a few people might have a great time making decisions and building stuff no one needs. At least wouldn’t need, if we would live peacefully and respect each other and all life.
I am repeating myself with many things because other people still want something new, it seems, but there isn’t much more, so I just can tell the same stories in other ways. And add other stories and people.
If we would have our freedom and actually enjoy our lives again, even if it would mean to collect food one in a while by hand or whatever… then we might be able to tell stories, new stories, great stories. But right now, most stories at some point end in despair, pain and misery because it is so easy to find darkness, but the magic in nature seems so far away.
It is even wrong to say that we might be able to live hundreds of years or more because it seems as if we wouldn’t be able to or others think it would be boring or I don’t know. And there were trees for thousands of years maybe in some places, now a hundred year old is already rare. Be it people or trees… and if they live, they are often sick or lonely.
And here a few important scenes from the amazing show “Springflut” (spring tide) on ZDF playing mostly in Sweden (I think).