With nature comes wisdom

I watched these videos probably two years ago and got some hope.

Together with some other things, they actually made me hope that maybe some people actually woke up and said no to all this crap they are doing most of the time with most of their life.

And then I looked at the dates 2016 for Bhutan with Tshering Tobgay and 2013 for Allan Savory.

In other words, in the time we shared together given by the western counting system of years, we wasted 5-8 years doing nothing useful. Maybe not “nothing”, but for the most part things are still running, aren’t they? Cars are still produced and even in Bhutan…

And although you can basically show and say anything and do whatever you want, as long as you can pay for it (or are somewhat important, otherwise you get in prison for life over a small thing), WHY THE HECK, is no one really speaking about these topics?

Do they really all want to go to Mars, the moon (which might soon fall onto earth if all of this shit continues) or some other distant planet which we might reach or maybe not, to only reserve it for the very rich and “important” people to efficiently and productively destroy the next planet as well?

My father just wants his money, his car, his house, his church and at best nothing to do, while he of course wants to seem he does a lot and is important in front of others. He successfully managed to express the friendly family father who cares for his “demon” son and his “evil” wife because they are far away from the good path (to destroy earth “in peace”).

My mother always wanted to dream away with me, was convinced that there is only pain and suffering on this earth and a lot of blood and tears. Only through me she got some hope at times, but decades of religious rules, a cult and no real friends left a deep mark on her.

When she was younger, she steped in for a young girl who was held by a man. No one helped, no one cared, a bus station full of people. Stronger than her, older, more… no one came, the girl was afraid and basically searching for help. No one helped, only my mother went to her and moved away one finger at a time of the man’s hand until the girl could run away, into one of the buses. A few days later she talked about it with someone and then got afraid that the guy could do something to her, would they meet again.

When at one night she heard something outside while the rest of the family was sleeping, she looked outside the window and saw a woman in a dress walking on the street followed by a car. A man was saying mean things, manipulating the girl or woman and tried to scare her and so on. Then my mother shouted out of her window towards them. Through this, the man in the car got irritated and the girl or woman on the street could (hopefully) run away. He even turned the car around to face the direction of my mother, who then had the lights out and later on locked things up properly and was afraid.

One time she grabbed two teenage boys on their backs away from beating up an old man next to the road, turned out she even knew at least one of them through her siblings. All such things she did for others. Sometimes talking with strangers who have no one to talk to, since most people really don’t care, as long as everything somehow works for them. Just don’t get into any trouble, or whatever they think, who don’t care.

Why is it, that there are people doing hard work each day and don’t really get much for it and a lot of people with “fancy” jobs with all their contracts, people for dirty work or dirty laundry or whatever? While then a lot of people are just afraid to lose their life, their existence, their standards?

I set my other posts on private, the videos on my channel on unlisted or private as well.

The playlists showing such videos I had on my main page weren’t usually shown anyway.

I don’t know whether it was just me, but I tried to look up my channel and it just appeared blank for visitors, at least when they would only look at the main page for their 1 second of time they have… or whatever…

I didn’t want these videos, I didn’t asked for anything, anything but that people finally realize the madness they are living in. And of course it can harm people to go through all of it, but when you don’t at least take a small glimpse at it, then you will never be free here anyway. Or maybe understand a part of how it feels to be alive here or dying or screaming or just sitting here…

There are even YouTube channels with Sci-Fi showing how our future might look like or what might be real pretty soon or just what some people might create. One of them is DUST. Yes… like dust, “your future is dust”.

I don’t even know what future is all about. I mean, yes, I had my own ideas and dreams, but I wouldn’t have wanted them to be like that and neither did I really want to make these things. Except for the things which mattered to me the most, nature, since I knew from childhood on that water, grass, trees, bees and birds and a lot of other species and wild life on this earth are needed, wonderful and good to have. But I also was trapped between the idealistic ideas of my father who wanted to be seen as “the man”, while being all but that… manipulative, egoistic, saving everything for himself, secrets, no trust, no love, and a mother who had to stay strong on her own, raising a child between this guy she didn’t even want to marry soon after it got serious, but no one cared, no one wanted to know. People were pushing her back or just didn’t want to know. He played the role of a “Kind” man really good and still does. One of things I wish I wouldn’t have had from my father. But at least in my case, I used it against myself. His father was all for the plants, had some thoughts and would have probably loved to talk to me about this and that, if I would have just know that it would have mattered.

I grew up with the idea that this earth has to be destroyed, so there could be a new one. On the other hand to be thankful for what I had and honor my parents and be respectful. In other words, I was raised to be thankful for a painful misery of a life I knew wasn’t making sense, was horrible and broke me to then also be thankful for it. While then of course also be responsible for myself and take care of my parents should they get older. But my mother usually had not much time for me due to her work or she got lost in her own world, father… it was better when I was far away from him. So I not only had to raise myself (what is pretty heavy tobacco, when you are surrounded by madness and somehow nothing made really sense most of the time), but then also already knew as a child that I would never have a life for myself. That others didn’t understand the situation or maybe also couldn’t speak about theirs, as I knew that most weren’t really feeling good and having that stable family, it didn’t help. It only made the thinking that I would only cause more trouble for them stronger.

Knowing that there would always be a prison around you, even when you are told you are free to go where you want (which is not really true…) it breaks you as a child. Nearly being responsible for your grandpas death as well, almost making someone blind by accident, throwing in some windows while playing with friends, getting a bloody nose many times, hit by your father over nothing, not allowed to play, to be alive at times, only to be quiet… it is enough…

You are there as a child with 7 or 8 years and you have to handle it all. Parents didn’t talk, they didn’t talk with the boy who I accidentally hit his eye with a stick because I just wanted to nudge at him like my father also did, except with a finger. While I probably didn’t even think about it that way back then, didn’t even know why… I still don’t know why I did it. I went to the forest after it happened, tried to run away, was crying, didn’t know whether he would be okay, he just ran home. I just hoped it would be okay. Maybe I even saw some deer that day. I just told my parents that something happened, but that it is okay now, probably the next day, when I knew that he was okay for the moment. Neither his parents were talking with mine nor mine with them. All was on my shoulders… I didn’t even know what happened back then, I had another story in my mind, only knew that I hit him, but it was a different story. Shorter, disturbed. Only a few images, nothing more a whole day just in three images more or less.

Then you get told that you will pay for it for a lifetime, that I will always be remembered and punished and so it was, while I didn’t even knew what for really, while I from the first day on actually was worried about his eye, hoped it would really be good. But I couldn’t tell, couldn’t say, couldn’t talk. How should he have known… did anyone even know or care? Sure, I know, but it didn’t help.

You know, I am here, almost 23 years now, still here, whatever this “here” really is for you.

I just wish, I weren’t here, but I wish, I would have been here with people who really do such things as planting trees.

I was always amazed by people who actually went somewhere, did things for good and they gave me hope in a way. But I had no hope, not really. When the child psychologist told me in that one meeting, back when I was 16, but reduced to a little child from the outside, while inside being completely nuts, he told me that my father died a long time ago. Meaning that there was no hope for that, because I told him that I would want to do spent time with my father like others. What I didn’t know anymore or maybe just didn’t want to say, that I also died a long time ago, so I just cried when he told me whether I would want to end up like these other lame and boring people.

I just cried and said no, but what I actually cried about, that I knew for myself that I had given up a long time ago because everything to that point has been as expected. You might think, that it can’t be or was only due to me hiding away alone in my room being weird, creepy or just broken. But no, I wasn’t like that when I was with others, it wasn’t even me. And no, I didn’t have fun, not really. I burned my head until it seemed to made fun, like as much as you can enjoy destroying yourself and seeing everything else getting destroyed as well, while no one really cares, cared or talked about it. Only a few people here and there and even what they said, I didn’t knew if I could trust. I still can’t to be honest. I still can’t trust and I know, that I might will be able to one day, should it then still matter, but really, if it weren’t for the people I would probably hurt, but I already hurt nonetheless partially because of despair, because of me being on my own, or because I just didn’t believe in much… really I am only alive because I didn’t want to hurt anyone and because I also were too sensitive at times and am again (luckily?).

My mother has some “athlete’s foot”(?) but when it started doctor didn’t care when she went and then at some point she didn’t care. Her feet look horrible, even recently she mentioned it again and wanted to do something about it, try something someone said…

23 – 8 = 15

I am dead around 15 years now.

Why? – Because I was born.

I could just insanely laugh like all these people who have nothing better to do than waste time by doing things which seem to be great, but actually don’t give them much. Like building cars, building things in general. So many things for nothing. We could even give it a new name, but I have a problem with names and meaning of words in general.

Since a lot of things have names which don’t have much to do with the meaning they should have.

You get free education, but then free choice and then someone comes with a big smile and says: “Look, I can give you all that money you want to get to that dream.” And then they all work for some industry or they just gave up and worked for it anyway or did something to just survive…

Someone said about my mother cleaning the cemeteries: “Well, if you like to do it.” not in a mean way, they really thought that and I can’t blame them. It is just, that none of her life she really wanted, liked, had control over. Others had always a last say, a push, a call, a gesture. When it matter and she helped people or at least just saved their day, no one knew, no one cared, it was as if it didn’t happen. At home even her younger siblings complained about her cooking or whatever and then she just said: “The do it yourself.”

Before my first experience with school and death, I was there for my mother, wanting to be where she was, helping her do all the things in the house and even wasn’t allowed by my own father. Insanity…

I even wanted to cut the grass for him, since he would do it anyway and everyone (it seems) does this here and other children even complained about having to do it – I even asked for it, and he said it was too dangerous. The same man who hits his sons back of the head against a sharp living room table, hits him for stupid things, takes away the cleaning things… I knew the grass cutter was dangerous, but hey… turns out it was even more dangerous than I realized back then, since somehow I got convinced that it made sense to always cut the grass short, although it sometimes even got brown or yellow.

OH, I tell the same story again. I know, I know. I know too many things, have seen too many things, imagined too many things, both horrible and wonderful and also have seen nature.

I felt so weird for wanting to sleep on a tree, for wanting to run around naked or without much clothes…

I went outside with t-shirt in winter and with warm hoodies in summer.

In winter I tried to get in all the cold and in summer all the heat and somehow it also felt like a small freedom for myself while everything else was already set up or told.

  • Go to school
  • Go to work
  • Have a family
  • Care for your parents
  • Die

With my mother at times I could escape from all this, she can escape it, when she would finally be able to know that there would really be hope or a chance for her. We often talked about going to an island, living in a small cabin in the woods somewhere, even hoped to do it in the small forest my grandpa once had…

Only dreams, only despair.

My reality was, that I knew that when things continue this way, this earth is really dead.

My mother doesn’t really want everything to be dead, but she sometimes seeks escape in this few and also gets reminded of it by my father and because there isn’t much to hope for where we live. Ironically in one of the forest rich areas of the country…

Trees aren’t everything, smiles aren’t everything, but without nature, what’s the use of it all?

Can you imagine it? I would willingly suffer anything, anything, even to die over and over again or whatever, what in a way I already did. I really should have been dead not only once.

But what should I do?

What would happen if just all factories would close?

I would be happy, but a lot of people would lose their job, their “existence”. And others also lost their small shops or things and their existence… And it just goes on and on… the story never ends.

Look, when you would just give everyone who now produces stupid cars, technology no one needs and so on… the guarantee that they will have enough for their family and people would also finally understand that luxury means nothing when you are dead (Oh, but I heard otherwise from the Pharaohs… yeah……). I would carry seed bags, even plant them and so on, all kinds of different wild life. I would do everything, as long as it would guarantee that nature will survive, what is left and that we will survive and earth.

WHAT DO YOU NEED?!

WHAT?!

If all these people who have nothing better to do than having a lot of talk about nothing would grab some things themselves, maybe people would believe in it.

Look, when for example some of the politicians and other people who seem to have some power, but somehow usually gave it either away to others willingly or were forced to or whatever blindly happened to them go for it…man…

I mean, just imagine that all of a sudden a the vary people some of us voted this year, would not just talk and collect votes, but instead walk towards some places armed with plants, seeds and whatever necessary, maybe some animal dung, then people might get inspired. All I usually see are a few people with a smiley face (either out of despair, because they have to or they are imagining their villa once they are elected). I know I am doing wrong on some people, I know that, but I really don’t see much, when it comes to the big picture.

Some people are just laughing about it out of frustration and despair, since they don’t believe in all of it anymore because it seemed so pointless.

What would happen if the green people or some others who love nature for its beauty, the life it gives and all we will never be able to recreate like that, would be encouraged by the people leading their country do really just get their hands on and also got over with their old life?

Something like a: “If we don’t do something about it, we are all dead anyway, so now just help those who might help others.”

Tell me, just tell me what it takes to make them see?

If we wouldn’t have so many people being trapped in a net of lies, dependencies which shouldn’t be and stupid stuff really… we could have such a wonderful earth together.

Just imagine instead of sky scrapers, big cities and weird blocky houses, a variety of plants, even ways of living. Imagine someone living on a tree, just imagine it, an official stay, a tree. And there would be no weird looks, nothing weird about it. But instead we are still in a time in which everything has to be appropriate, equal, geometrical, boxes, boxes, containers, glass…

Imagine a tree as big as some skyscrapers and you could just live on them, under them, or whatever.

What do you need?

What is it that you need?

With all the technology I would rely on more of it…

Without it or just a little, I could even have endless dreams, experiences and stories.

The way we get told to live makes us sick, the way we get treated makes us sick, the options we have make us sick.

What doesn’t make us sick is nature?

Sure, there might be a few things coming up here and there, once in a while, but just imagine we would have had a virus outbreak in Bhutan? A few people would have maybe been infected and some others would have noticed and then not much would have happened beyond that. At least in the Bhutan of which the man spoke.

Why do you need to be so fast at this place, that place?

Why do you “need” all these things?

Why do you want so much?

Why don’t people enjoy the little things at all it seems?

I could just sit on one spot in a forest for a day.

And if I would do that for a year I would still have a lot of spaces I haven’t spent time and then maybe those I were previously might be interesting again, different weather, different thoughts, different animals passing by.

Maybe a few people.

And then just sitting around all day would of course also not be the way.

But for the time when there is not much to do.

If you would understand that instead of just planting pine or whatever because it grows fast or is easier or whatever (just an example, maybe they actually grow slower…) it would make sense to plant a lot of different stuff, a lot of bushes, different kinds of trees, like trees with fruits as well maybe and bushes with berries and all, then we could have a lot of problems solved in one row. We would have natural water and air filters, would have a lot of food for everyone to take, would have a good climate to relax, especially during summer and also some safety during stormy winters maybe (while depending on the place it might even be not that cold there).

You could also still grow other plants in a way in which the soil is not exhausted.

It just depends on what you really need.

I would just need something to eat and drink and a place where I could sleep and of course not being afraid that much of everything like now…

Is that a possibility?

But most people are so much in their number games, dreams someone sold them and so on, that they think they need or have it all or whatever, when in reality all they have is a whole box of nothing. And then someone with an actual empty box might have more than all of the people in the city they sometimes visit to get some spare change. Because they have a mobile house, can go where they want and just need a little food one in a while. Not a happy life, like this, but this way you see how much all the others have is worth: it’s worth nothing, except the lives of millions who died for it and the millions to come…

Can’t people just grow up finally?

There are strong people, intelligent people and others who can just do things and somehow they have a lot of energy at times. But then I am expected to do it? Someone who doesn’t even know what is real and what is just a big shit show?

What the hell?

Why can’t some of you just freeze a little or rethink something?

I always want to destroy everything I ever made, thought or came up with, because I think it is pointless and could give the wrong hope I didn’t need.

Does it really need burning factories to make you stop?

No… it never stopped anyone.

This way at best it even helped them to get ever more powerful.

Why do I just imagine a big monster walking out of the sea ripping apart all these streets, cities, factories and people who cared about these things? Why do I image it smiling towards those who suffered because of these things, while eating a bunch of those who enjoyed the suffering of others? Why does it make me happy?

Why did I always feel so good about situations in which I was about to die?

Because then I hoped it might finally be over.

And really, if you need me to carry cross on my back while only having some linen around my ass and penis, to cover this shameful things (no you really don’t want to see me like that, trust me). Hey, I am open for it. Since childhood everything is irrelevant for me because I know where it goes, when the important things are destroyed and the stupid things are held up.

But please, if you insist on me playing that role, then don’t expect me to walk to Israel or something, I would probably not get that far anyway. Either would freeze or break down since I am not used to much because all I do is dying and typing and sleeping and dreaming away… I can be strong, but don’t expect anything from me. I personally only expected me to be shit, so hey…

It is really hard to find good crosses these days, now that I think about it. And then I would also have to first kill another tree again, no, not a good idea. How about just walking? Maybe carrying a stone?

The meaning to get stoned also changed a little over time, I suppose.

And really, I don’t know, I might just delete everything and that’s that.

(But not right in front of the finish line!)

Look, I got told that I have my whole life in front of me from childhood on.

While I also was reminded what life meant to others.

So thank you, but thank no…

If I even ever was part of any race, then going backwards, crossing the finishing line from behind.

Like what’s the use to run all that long, when all what matters was to cross that stupid line?

Just cross it and get over it.

But no, everyone has to run that race and run and run and then some run it because they want to win, others run it because they hope for change and I just thought, no, no it isn’t worth it.

I am of course in for a little fun run once in a while, would have no problem with that, once I would know it would make sense or be for a good cause, but what’s the use of a life what isn’t in your hands?

As long as someone claims ownership over something, we won’t be happy.

I mean, we live on the same planet, same earth? Or am I wrong?

We might be able to say, that we “own” earth in a way some children might say it or see it, that we are home here.

But nature belongs to no one. And in times of these to own a piece of nature while owning it with responsibility (making sure it stays and survives) is necessary … but shouldn’t be the final thing. If someone who really knows about it, would get together with other people and they would care and make things possible, we could maybe be proud of ourselves or those who really made these things. Not necessarily proud of humanity, history or all these things… no, I just don’t know what happened there, except a lot of shit, while a few people here and there always tried to do something for nature and their survival.

If all what wasn’t helping our planet, us and nature would be gone within a second, some might find themselves on a grassy field, others in a cave of stone and some in a jungle.

Where is the use? Where is the good?

I will probably delete these things soon.

I already lost a few people or confused them.

Sometimes I just don’t even know anymore why I even thought it would matter what I do.

I thought it would because I thought if I would finally write what bothers me it would make a difference.

I am here, still hoping and believing that some people might also have come to similar conclusions.

Sometimes I just don’t know anymore, sometimes I just wish I would have never hoped.

Why did these people make it so hard for those who can see all life, hope and joy in something as simply as a rice corn?

Why did some people make it so unbearable for those who didn’t want much, but nature.

I would go searching for food, would sleep a lot maybe, to no need too much.

But what’s the use…

Imagine the world without the cities and streets.

Then you know paradise.

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