Positive? Panic

Tonight, after I prepared a few boring videos and watched some YouTube, I just had some kind of Panic attack. My back hurt a lot, as if something stuck in it. I didn’t feel well.

So I decided to walk outside again. My heart was having a heart time beating and I was like freezing, but my body was warm. At least it seemed this way. Maybe it just felt warm in the cold air outside. I was shaking and still do a little. I just knew I had to go to the forest. I almost couldn’t breath and my heart was completely messy. I had to force myself to keep breathing steady.

At some point I was moving my head on the side and also was not sure whether I was walking or not. But I had to continue because I needed to feel safe. At the bench in front of the forest I sat down because I couldn’t really walk and wasn’t sure what was going on with my heart and body.

I mean, sure this was one of many times such things had happened to me, but this time I couldn’t even calm down there. I sat on the bench and just tried to breath and relax. I just had to stamp with my feet on the ground beneath. At some point I was just doing that real fast why trying to breath with my mouth and my hands on the bench. It just didn’t stop for a while and some thoughts in my head. I tried to comfort myself, that everything is good, that I have seen good news. But I just couldn’t.

Then I decided to stand up again and try to walk again so the shaking stopped a little. But the breathing was still painful and unsure. I walked to the water house thingy and walked over the hill part. But then I imagine that it would collapse beneath me and I would fall into a deep hole, so I got down from it very fast, since it didn’t feel as solid as the times before.

At some point an air plane flew over me up high. I wondered what the pilot might think or who was in it. Where they were going and whether they would feel me standing there beneath me, if just for a second.

The breathing didn’t get much better and the heart still had its problems. When I got to the crossroads I sometimes used to sit down and just listen to the forest, I didn’t, I wasn’t sure about it.

When I walked towards the end of the forest again the breathing got a little better and I could calm down some more. But it was still not really good. A car from the factory drove past me and I first wasn’t sure about it, but it just drove away. When I got to the house my cat was waiting there already and greeting me.

I went into my room and got to the sofa/couch.

Xusha was also there. I was happy that she was there.

I am not sure which one of us was more happy because she licked over my hose and eyebrows and rubbed her face and head against mine several times and I rubbed mine around hers and her belly, until I was just half sitting, half lying there. My head next to her belly and her face towards mine. She moved around a few times. But it just calmed me down to know that she was there.

What would I do without “my” cat and my mother. I wouldn’t be here.

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