Now this again.
Wasn’t it enough?
Probably not because otherwise I wouldn’t be here again, feeling terrible again, getting into addiction again (if it ever stopped), while also seeing the other side(s) of it all.
It is like constantly remembering why you got addicted, to remind yourself that you know it is not good and got away from it, only to think it might not work. But because of the reason which made you addicted, not because you couldn’t live without it. And the worst part is, that I had to because of other things I mentioned.
It is complicated, but let me explain what happens in my mind and probably in some other minds as well, in some form.
And to make it clear, although I know that pornography is shit, boring and costs a lot of lives each day.
To also make clear, I knew all that for a long time now. I also knew a lot of other things, but what I didn’t see was that it would ever change. Because even thousands of years ago it was no different from today, only a bit less digital. Well, maybe a few thousand years more (in either direction) and we are talking again… any way.
Which brings me back to the original problem – suicide.
And the root of it: Understanding that no matter I would want or wouldn’t want to do with my life, I would end up in someone else’s control either way (e.g. government, corporations, dictators, war, crazy stuff, humanoid cats with laser eyes, you know…).
So then what does a “child” do when it understand this? It tries to tell someone or tries to find a solution.
Talking only lead to: “But things are as they are.” or “It will all end anyway.” which wasn’t helpful.
Finding a solution was also not really possible because it was clear that you would first have to be able to think outside the box and I was thinking so much outside the box, that I basically ended up with: “all is false, all is true, just die because it makes no sense”
Again, the sad part was, that I actually understood what would make more sense and what was happening in the big scale. I of course knew that if I would see it, I might not be alone, but then I also knew that those who were there to show me, also were trying with methods going on their limits (I assume).
My father is in his “I need my money, I need my God service (going to some church thing), I am right, I know best, I want to be the good guy” (while nothing what my son says or my wife thinks is relevant – big man ….. you know).
My mother got broken from a young age and basically went were others told her to go or where they suggested it might be good. Ending her up in a deep depression and finally with this guy, my father.
And yes, it is boring to write all of this down again and again, but if it would be just that.
Both of them believe in God, whatever that is for them, I don’t know.
I also believe that there are things greater than what most people know or see, because I have seen them or realized it, partially with the help of others who have gone through such things before me. Just too few, it seemed, otherwise… you know… we wouldn’t be sitting here. But it never is about quantity, but quality or in other words, one being can fight a million, if this one being knows something they don’t.
My father hates me or if he doesn’t hate me, he ignores me. It always was like this, with a few exceptions, as long as I didn’t say anything against him or what he did. With my mother it is similar, but she doesn’t hate me, she just is done with everything (understandably) and I am not a real help. But dystopia and stuff…
When I was little my father bought a CD from some Christian Shop for me, at least I think it was him and not my mother. The funny thing is, that on this CD there was and audio play story in which children, together with some kind of police, hackers and also some criminals searching for answers. This thing was based on a military project and someone who was either part of it or got his hands on it made this game / simulation for other purposes, basically to teach people other ways and also open doors and stuff. Then there even was a female AI this guy developed which was helping the children. Then together with the AI they were going for a bank heist and in the end the guy who developed the whole thing collected the money and gave the children an online bible. Or something like that. The story was actually pretty awesome in a way.
Then my father: You have to go to school, you have to work, you need to get a good job and be good.
Christian CD: Ey yo, let’s rob a bank together with children, through a military simulation game while learning something about history, present and future.
My mother: At the end of days it will all burn anyway and there is no hope.
My father: Don’t waste money.
Christians in video games: Hey, let’s sneak around Roman Legions.
Christians my father and mother know: We have to pray, go to church and obey the law.
My brain: So basically pan cakes.
I mean what do you expect from a child when it sees all these paradox things.
And I know what you would say: To speak up and make a difference.
But speaking up is like the worst when you are in a Roman Empire. It is like saying: “I am Ceasar!” or “I am Jesus (the/a) son of God”. You would be either burned, crucified or killed otherwise, if not horribly tortured.
Nowadays it is different of course because it would be too obvious if they would do it. So you just tell people that they are crazy people or dumb idiots.
The fun part is, that the bible mentions crazy people as well, usually those who just did what their leaders told them and blindly followed. And that Christians sometimes had to fake to be crazy or dumb in order to survive.
Then my father: “I need my car, my money and the laws! Because we must be lucky to still have Christian values and laws in our country.”
Meanwhile our country: Let’s start wars in other countries so we can profit from their losses and feed the social system so we have enough resources, women and power.
My brain: Words are meaningless, it depends on the one interpreting.
My parents: You can’t change Gods words. (because the bible said it)
My brain: “In the beginning there was nothing. And there was the word and God was the word.”
Also my brain: “Hey, I can make words, so I must be God.”
My parents: “This is not how it works.”
Also my parents: “Gods ways are unforeseeable. We will never understand. But in heaven we will have everything.”
I mean come on… if you don’t break apart, especially when all people around you do what others tell them, at least most of them, then I highly respect you (in case you are fighting or trying to make it stop).
Because just today my mother again told me that on this earth everything is lost anyways. And in heaven we will have everything.
So yea… I feel very go9jt289oood right now.
I see some changes, I guess, but then I don’t know whether it will lead to something or whether it is just all for me, to make me stop or think that I make a difference. (I don’t believe that I actually do a lot for the better and could do much more and should do more.)
But the worst part is, that I always had to rely on myself and I couldn’t rely on myself because I knew that this is not how you survive and stay sane. At least not when you are completely alone (from a way of seeing and feeling things).
There are so many levels on which some people communicate, I sometimes don’t know whether it is just me or whether they actually talk. Or whether it is just an AI program or script or whatever.
I mean, sometimes people in games seemed more intelligent in conversations than actual people, so I wasn’t sure which was what. If you understand what I mean.
I know, I am not alone, otherwise I wouldn’t be here.
When I do things, basically being awake, I stab myself and hit my head against walls, I jump down somewhere and I run around and want to help those who feel like I feel. Only to be the stupid coward I am who doesn’t know anymore…
I should just go into the next city and walk over a street or something.
The thing is, do you expect that there could be someone good doing something bad to do good in the end?
What is your way of seeing? I just know that I would have chosen nature and see for myself and follow my heart, if I would have had a choice.
And don’t tell me: “But you had a choice, you always decided.”
Because I know that, but if you say this, you probably don’t know what it means to me.
For me this was like getting told that I could decide to stand alone against a horde of heartless robots or to end my life to not have to see any longer how everything goes down (in a bad way).
I know what you think: “He is thinking binary, there are endless options.”
But that’s the thing, do most of them really make sense?
And do you even know what we are dealing with here?
When I try to make people do something against it, they think I want to do something wrong.
When I try to tell people what is going on, they think I am crazy.
When I try to end my life, they say that it is wrong.
So explain to me, why is it that you, like I myself, see endless options, but there still is this cancer game happening?
It won’t go away on its own and it also doesn’t matter who or what, when it comes to people who see this mess and want it to stop. Because why would it matter? If they actually see it like I do and you might see it as well, why would it matter who they are or what problems they might have (okay, maybe some problems are different from others, but I think you know what I mean).
The once was a preacher who was sitting in a train with another man. It came to be that the preacher was asked about his past and so he told that he was a thief and could do tricks and smoked and such things. The other man (maybe also a preacher) didn’t want to believe the story because it seemed so unfitting for the man he saw. Then the preacher demonstrated it by showing the other man his wallet, since he didn’t even notice how the preacher took it.
So now what?
People who might otherwise be considered bad influence could actually be helpful.
Especially when they fell threw the illusion (or whatever).
You can only survive if you know what actually is bad and what might just be a game.
Because to be over-document-related, when this preacher guy took the wallet of the other guy in order to demonstrate him that he was actually a thief in his past, he committed a crime and therefor was a bad person. So the man should have immediately told the next police station about this incident and that this man is dangerous and could do such a crime again. Because who stole once will always steal and especially when they do it although they were on the path of righteousness.
I hope you understood that this would have of course been the most stupid thing this other man could have done. But my father thinks like this. At least from what he does, says and so on…
What does thinking actually mean?
At least thinking for yourself.
It means, that you ask yourself:
- Do I really want this?
- Do I really need this?
- Can I make something out of it?
- How does a spider with 50 legs look like, while having wings and the ability to change her appearance to be human-line?
Just normal thing… you know.
But although a lot might get this far in thinking as to the point that they just think about how they can survive, it might be even worse to think: How will we survive?
Especially when you think about this multi-layered society in which a lot of smaller or bigger groups fight each other, while there are still (or for this purpose) weapons get produced, wars get started, women get forced into sex work or just get raped and held like cattle (yes, it is also wrong how a lot of cattle are held, yes, yes I know). And that millions of children or young adults like me might scream inside and don’t want to live anymore or just don’t know anymore what to believe, what to trust, what even is real.
That a lot of them are trapped in their smartphones, smart home, smart schools, smart smarts, smart…
When I was little I watched a lot of movies on TV and some TV shows. I didn’t understand why some shows were so dumb and people liked them. I watched them sometimes and thought, wait a minute, I am in hell. Other shows were better, they actually considered it an option and tried to find ways away from it or how to make things different.
Only to then get told that I shouldn’t watch so much TV since it makes dumb. Thanks…..
Then in school people were talking about things as well, but I was never really sure whether they were actually getting it. I know some did and some teachers as well, but interestingly the more christian people were less getting it, at least those who were talking about it and that other things were bad. But it doesn’t matter from where people come, as long as they don’t want to continue like this forever and instead make rethink their life and what actually makes sense and what doesn’t. Or as the “Android” said, “humans have a soul”, while she also said: “I just talked with a few people.”, when asked how she passed the Turing test. And it is really sad, since even an ape can’t pass it. I mean… peanut.
Feelings are great and having a soul should also be great, but not when you are raped from a gang or a band of brothers. Be it religious brothers (e.g. ISIS), actual brothers, soldier brothers, or whatever. It will never be something good either way you put it or turn it or see it. These things are just brutal, diabolic, disgusting, horrible and painful is an understatement. But these things happen all the time. Does it make it any better? No. Do people know about it, yes. Does something change, not really. I mean, yes, here and there a few people help each other out and so on, there are survivors and this is more than good, although of course horrible for the victims. So what do you do about it? Just praying and waiting? Or saying: “It is all for nothing anyway.”???
I am sure if someone in this situation would be rescued by a monkey, they wouldn’t care, as long as the monkey actually wants to just help them. I hope you understand.
Or in other words, when there is a bank robber who recently robbed a bank and he sees how a few men are beating a women and drag her away. Would it matter when he would beat them up or maybe point a gun at them, so they would let her go? Would it really matter? Maybe this bank robber just did this his robbery for himself, since it seemed fair enough for him to survive and his life wasn’t important anyway. He might even be a drug addict, since he doesn’t want to live, just survives each day. So would it matter where he comes from? No, obviously not, because for this woman he would maybe be the only one who might be able to help her. Because not every woman bites to survive or has pepper spray or sharp nails and stuff to defend herself. Not to say that this should even be the case. Maybe it would have been better for women to develop poison they could spit with their mouth or whatever, like some animals do. But that is another story.
I mean, there even have been things like: “Fuck for forest.” To promote porn websites. And depending on the people it might have even been a good thing, I don’t know, it is just that there should be common goals.
The main reason we all live here is because there is or (depending on the location was) nature with a lot of wild-life, like a lot of species all together. Until some people decided: Hey, we can make others do what we want, when we tell them whatever we want. Or whatever they thought.
Thinking like a woman of this time, I would have probably thought: “Really… this again…” to “When will this finally end.” to “Oh look, I found some happy drugs” to “this is amazing”.
And if someone should tell me that I can’t mix these things together, then please… please ask yourself: “Does chrome and sulfur together make sense when I want to make a cake out of apples?”