Why does this still happen…

Although this is was in Canada, it could have been anywhere, really.

All these wonderful people who didn’t need much, just some love and of course somewhere to feel welcomed, safe and supported, instead of treated like this.

Because of my own problems, fears and mess of a head, I usually get either taken advantage of or get to the wrong people somehow. At least when I am outside. And on the other hand it is also weird to be me because I feel like everyone would suspect me to be something bad or weird. Which actually is related to all of what I was going through and didn’t understand.

I mean, I basically deny myself from walking or driving through the streets because I think, that people would not trust me or whatever. And also because I don’t want to get hurt more. Just a few words hurt me immense, but this is always like that.

No, what I mean is, that I should probably stick a flag into my house or something “Come as you are, all are welcome!”. But being in the village I am, this would only give me confused questions of people and not really help and only cause a lot more trouble for me, I guess. And I wanted to escape from here anyway.

Last year I for example found an old big building somewhere in Germany with a big garden and rooms and space. That thing was huge, but of course old and I obviously couldn’t affort it.

Now I looked again and found something actually not too hard to get.


Of course is such a price and location maybe open for some additional questions. For example, whether it is necessary to use gas or it could be maybe changed later and such things.

But more important, it seemed big enough and also ideal for my ideas.

I mean, if (probably) someone else buys it and makes something similar out of it, I have no problem with that.

Also I would first have to get my house sold, which then probably won’t get me enough money to meet this one. And I don’t really have something beyond that.

The thing is, that I also don’t want to do such a thing because (as usual) I would only get into more trouble and what I thought of, would not happen anyway. Like giving young (or older) people a place to stay, feel good, have some nature around and maybe experiment a little with things or whatever.

Of course, in case the gas can’t be easily replaced, it would also be not cheap and also not the ideal thing, but compared with other things, it would probably be better than other things. And hopefully there aren’t any WWII bombs in the garden (or whatever the reason for this – in my eyes – cheap sale is). Maybe it also has to do with new laws or whatever or the location being not that attractive for typical house owners / buyers.

I mean, it could also just be that they want to be nice, but yea…

Seeing this house was like: “Wow! That is the perfect place to be!”

It seemed to be a little off the road, big and ideal for a group of people.

And I mean, yes, why not?

The reality is, that out of experience from my mother’s siblings, such things didn’t work out.

I mean one of my uncles even bought a big house with an old workshop area. He even made room for a home cinema in there or other things and wanted to give people shelter there and space to help each other, find themselves and such things. They could come and go as they wanted, so a free place in a way. Guess what happened? Some woman somehow got involved in his idea, made some schedules, plans and social media groups or whatever and then dragged all of them with her (wherever that was or went). And there he sat, with his big house and no use for it. So he had to sell it at some point because it made no sense to keep it just for him and his wife. And maybe their youngest daughter back then.

The thing is, that I am someone who would very likely get into a worse situation and then would have to deal with it alone and I couldn’t even handle the whole world in my head, so how should I handle that as well.

If I wouldn’t have isolated myself from teenage years on and even before have felt isolated, different and weird, I would have just taken my spirit and courage I had as a little child and would have just talked to people. I just did that back then, even talked with these weird phone callers who wanted to convince you of some surprises, like a ship travel or whatever. I would ran to the phone as a child when it was ringing from inside because I wanted to see who it was. Man have I changed. Now when I hear the phone ringing, I always think: “Please don’t me for me, please don’t be someone I have to talk to. Please stop ringing!!!”

And I even don’t want to talk to any relatives, at least not those who would usually call on phone. We usually live in complete different worlds, me and my relatives. Not all of them, but in a way it is still weird and I don’t know what I should say and I can’t usually. Opening up last year to some almost made things worse for me afterwards, which now probably made this feeling even more intense that I don’t want to talk to any of them. While they didn’t do anything to me and instead some even helped me or listened to me.

But usually I did not speak because it seemed irrelevant and pointless anyway.

Still I won’t forget that this uncle – who had this house thing going – said that in case of a war (which is the case now) we would know our family again or that we would get together again. While he also was on edge about things.

Man I love my uncles and aunts and cousins, but it is just so weird how they change from one day to the next and all having their smart phones and such things. Well, not all of them, but those who have, which are a lot.

The uncle who only had his basic mobile phone and I think a TV and an old arcade dart automat, he seems to be the most optimistic or least “compromised”. He also bought a quad so he could drive around, in case he wanted or needed to. He told us that he once was in a cafe / coffee shop, when he noticed that two girls or young women were sitting on it or stood next to it and were taking photos of themselves. Sadly he stayed alone and lost his first love, when I remember correct. And others only wanted him as a best friend or just a friend, but nothing more.

Well, back to the house and these things.

You know, it is pretty weird that some people want to actually help, but then get somehow “outsourced”, while they put effort into things, time and love. While others just follow weird rules or schedules and apps and stuff. And then there are also these people who own a lot of houses, while others pay for them with their lives.

I mean, there are some videos in my lists who show how easy it is, this business model and how people are so dependent on it, while they actually have not much control over it (in most cases). Because there are of course laws and stuff, but when you have no money, you also stand already bad in chances to win. And those who lose, usually have to pay, so hey, double shit.

And things should be different, of course, but I mean, yes, people in Germany are so smart, that they are already … yes. It is all so weird. Why can’t I just have some ever growing food supplies (you can store potatoes, onion and other things, when you do it right). And have water and everything without the need to pay for it?

Because it makes no sense.

Water, food and a place to live should be clear things.

But it is like this. Money is worthless, since it never had worth, only a symbolic or imaginary value. It is only used to control things.

In a warm-hearted community, people do things for each other because they can and want to.

And they don’t have to hide away things, mainly caused by things they understood or went through.

You can only achieve such a thing with a warm heart or risking something for good, while hoping to get it warm again or that it might be warmed by someone else, if you let it happen.

These things happen and are a thing.

And you can’t expect a solution through a radical or outdated approach.

Why is stepping a little backwards not okay? To discover other ways and also lower down this need for speed and all this shit.

Did it ever matter or help? No. I mean, not in a global scale.


I mean, if I would say to a homeless person or someone who seems to have trouble at home, that they could stay at my house, would you trust me or they?

It is a very weird world out there.

Basically those who own a lot of things, should maybe say: “FUCK THAT SHIT!!! I ma help that people!” And then risk their “so called” image, all their “so called” wealth and actually do something good.

I mean everyone can pay some money somewhere. That is like throwing around candy.

But none of them would say. “Okay, I had my fun, let’s just turn my company into a place for good and also give up on my old ways and maybe learn something new.”

I mean who needs hunting, playing tennis (or such sports) anyway? Why not instead make it a challenge to actually help people, instead of giving them things they either don’t need, want or won’t really help.

If some of these “important” or “BUSY” people would fall flat on their nose or head or whatever and then maybe realize: “Damn son, I not only fooled myself the whole time, but also hate everything” and then start to change. Wouldn’t that be great?

I mean if you would have a rich friend, would it be a problem? Sadly I am not. Sure, compared to other countries or people I am rich because I have a house. But that is all.

If only the actual good things would be valued, promoted and supported, we wouldn’t even have to think about these things. It would be totally normal to give everyone water, to clean water, to plant things in gardens or even just get things out from actual nature. People would not sell themselves or their children or just forget about them.

It is so weird that some high up people actually invest or wanted to develop ways to live forever, while you can’t get that through greed and ignorance. If even, then can our body maybe do that on its own, but even if not, it wouldn’t be so much of a problem, wouldn’t everything be so horrible, painful and exhausting.

I mean, if people could just in average live let’s say 200 years and that in harmony with nature, why not? They could have fun, play, go on adventures, love each other, maybe enjoy watching some fellow animal friends and so on. Why do you need much more? What do you need? Why is it so wrong to just wanting to enjoy the beauty of nature? Why do some people still need it to be a haunting ground, a racing game, a shooting range? What’s so cool about all that?, Sure you can try it maybe, but why? Games, like video games are enough. Even killing an animal in there was horrible in a way. Sadly killing people wasn’t somehow, depending on the game. Why? Because it just was the answer of what they do and did. And yes, I also have eaten meat. I know…

It really is this way, those who are only out for money, power and an easy life, they will get promoted (mainly). And those who make a small mistake while maybe they wanted to do something good, they end up on the streets, dead or whatsoever.

The children of the rich or “important” people should change their ways and if possible also those of their parents, but often that doesn’t work (anymore), it seems. I don’t know for sure.

But I do know, that some companies might already changed their approaches and ways.

I just would like to see care and awareness in general.

Why is it, that people who are basically screwed from their birth on, in case they not somehow got important parents or maybe friends there, also have to pay for the misery their life gave them or for the mistakes they mightt have done or got pushed towards? And some people can passively, willingly kill others or make them want to die, but they are free to go? “I was only doing business.” Yeah sure…

But I mean it is just bla bla bla, I guess.

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