I am still addicted and the problem is, that I let myself get there again because of things I said were not possible for me right now. But guess what… I didn’t listen to myself and wanted to program something anyway. And I couldn’t do it without my drug and even with it not really…
And I know we have other problems, I know we have a lot of other problems and I know that I am weird, broken, ugly and unsure about my own validation of what I am or want to be. Or whether I am true or not.
From an outer perspective it makes no sense to say that you don’t want something, but then “want” it anyway, while on the other hand not wanting it. It is called addiction, I know that. And I also know that I can get away from it, but there was a reason for it and this reason is still here and stronger than ever. This dark abyss some people have created as their paradise or way to have fun or whatever.
It is a problem to reach out to people through the internet here, while knowing that it is also a problem, (the way it works mostly).
It is always this: “If it would just be about myself, I could do something else.”
And as I said, this might be not much, since I actually don’t really need or want much. I never had nor needed, except for my drug, when I couldn’t take the rest anymore.
If I would just have to decide for myself and just myself, I could unplug all my computer devices, put them in a room and lock them away (or at least close the door and be done with it). At least as long as it wouldn’t be needed to use it again at some point.
The problem here is, that I never really was this “Everyone for themselves” kind of guy. I was more someone who was happy to meet new people and all kinds of people and usually had a big heart for those who weren’t doing the typical things. I was not able to speak and even if so, who would have understood it? Some people of course, but usually they were out of reach and even if not, I wasn’t sure whether I could trust it or not because I was so good in imagining things and stuff, that I usually came to the conclusion that it must have been just me. I know that it probably wasn’t and it isn’t just me, that in fact there are a lot of woke people out there, while I am just a waste of time (mainly).
If there would be just my decision to make and I would know that the others would be fine and alright, I wouldn’t wait.
But it doesn’t work like this, does it?
Because if it would work like this, then why doesn’t it seem as if it does or anything changes for the better and finally is good (again?)?
I don’t want to unplug all devices and then some weeks later maybe turn them on again and see that all my friends are dead. Not meaning that they are offline or something, but to be pretty sure that they aren’t alive anymore.
Some years ago I heard the story of a young man who was part of a project to give people internet access in Egypt. The government had blocked the internet access, so the people couldn’t ask for help or whatever from outside. At least that was what he told and I also heard elsewhere. And so he and other people found ways to use the phone service (like with modems in the 80s-90s) and got some servers running in other countries etc. Then they were able to give the people internet access. But not long after the government (or some people working for it) found out and arrested the people who were part of this (at least those in Egypt). This guy who told the story was german I think or at least from around here. And after some time he noticed that more and more of his friends weren’t answering and after some time he found videos of them being tortured. I think none of them survived. And so he told this story and was pretty broke, I guess…
The internet is not the problem, would it be just used for good and useful things, to share information for crisis, like a natural catastrophy to help finding people and such things. But usually it is used for other things and feeds the “machinery”.
I know that the internet connection won’t safe the people and that I could find other ways.
If I would just know that the others also would understand that…
You probably understand that and I know a lot of people understood that either recently or even in times before I was even born. But did it ever stop the problems? And did all of them survive?
In other words, if the internet wouldn’t be a thing anymore in a few weeks or even tomorrow, I would not have a problem for myself. I would just think, well, that is that. Or whatever and just spend more time outside again. But it all actually started with this, with me being outside a lot, but mainly alone or when I was with others, not really feeling good. Sometimes, but usually when I was alone with someone or just with a few people. This always having to do something or being part of something was not mine and also scared me because it seemed that I would just mess up and ruin everyone’s day. And without me they also would continue and find someone else, so why should I ruin it and do what I don’t want just because?
It was this realisation that it seemed that most people were thinking that they should be part of something or always do something, which broke me.
Plants grow on their own.
Wind goes on its own.
Water flows without help.
The sun shines and keeps burning.
I am really not sure whether I can do this much longer, this trying to show and explain and whatever.
When you can only feel it and see it for yourself.
No one had to show me or tell me, I saw it myself, knew it myself and others as well.
And some of them made movies, shows and games or books which helped me to feel good and not alone.
But when you then ask someone else what they do and they mainly drink alcohol, watch TV or talk about their work and their holidays they go to each year and are happy about doing nothing at all… then how should I even think that they want to hear what I say or see?
And now we got these new cool rules in my country, people are only allowed to move in a radius of < 15km, if it is not work related.
Arbeitsausweis (work pass) – 1944
The thing is, that my mother got a special paper in the beginning of last year (when the “first wave” was going round). She didn’t need it the whole time, but she got it anyway, for the case that the lockdown would get harder, while on the same time the government was telling people that it will be over in summer. Obviously it wasn’t true, but yea…
And if I for example would want to drive or even walk somewhere, people could then probably arrest me or make me pay or whatever. Like they did to some people last year already, without any good reason, logic or point in the end.
Fun thing is, my father is not allowed to drive his car without glasses, but he drives it anyway for years and never got in trouble. My mother was stopped a few times with her car, I got checked for drugs in school or was seen with some people who were smoking and such things. So I am pretty sure, that I would get in trouble.
Hey and in case you think that I want to spread a virus or something… look in the mirror and tell me you see a monkey. Or just tell me that you see your eyes and not the following:
(Yes, it is a beer)
People: But what does this have to do with the pandemic?
People: So you are a religous guy? Who has a porn problem?
People: No, that is impossible. I don’t see how that would even work.
The oxygen tank: