I tried to visualise that nature gets destroyed and different kinds of cancer (black & red) are responsible for it.
And that technology basically started to decide doing things on its own or whatever that lifting ramp does or is headed to. 😀
On the bottom you see the name of the school and my class (7th grade, class / group “a”). So I was 12/13 years old.
That was probably the sketch drawing I made. There you can see a few more details like this other guy who is either falling or already on the ground, while he gets bitten or eaten by some kind of crab or spider or whatever thingy. Maybe he fell of the lifting ramp and or was driven over by it.
These are basically two different versions of the same thing. But both are not really positive, although maybe on the first impression the first one could be seen as such.
In the drawing is no color and things are actually way more out of hand. The cancer things is spreading and there is no flower and also not the red cancer. There is this other guy who is (probably) dead, while this painter on the ladder platform keeps on drawing or painting this black cancer. And in case you think that I didn’t actually think about such things when I drew it, you are wrong. Although I am not sure whether I thought about it in this way. Maybe I had a few other thoughts as well. But the main message was the same.
But I am not sure if anyone got it or even considered it this way.
I am not sure when I made this, maybe around the same time or a year prior.
It was for a book presentation about a book I read: “Der Schlachtruf der Delawaren” (The battle cry of the Delaware). Man I really put effort into things back then and was still a little motivated. I guess because I was still able to cry back then, before the “cold” years, till around a year ago.
The cover of the art exercise book. There is also this “cancer”, although we had to do something like this. But for me it seemed like something cancerish.
And this is the back of this “book”. Probably it was supposed to show pain and a soul surrounded by it.
I am not sure, since it was more something we were supposed to do, so I simply looked what was asked of me, instead of expressing actually what I felt. It also wouldn’t have been accepted or understood, I guess.
That was a sketch logo I made for an event on our school. Each year one or a few of the higher classes had to organise it together with (mostly) local or regional companies. It was separated in groups or teams as usually and guess who’s opinion was not important and who also didn’t care anymore? Damn right..
This thing is called “Berufsinformationsbörse Altensteig” (Career information exchange?) and Altensteig is the location / town.
But well, it ended up being text with red color or something. At least that was what I remember, maybe it was changed afterwards. For me personally it didn’t really matter anyway, since this whole thing was not really something for me. Although at that point I partially again or still hoped for a positive outcome of my life. That maybe a few years later things would get better.
I actually looked up the school and teachers and I recognised a few, but I think there a lot of younger and new teachers now. And most of those I maybe mentioned here are not there anymore or at least I didn’t find them on the school page.
A few random drawings I made during class, mainly to distract myself or keep my mood under control or something.
The text is actually a small part of the “Anton Barsch” story I also published and translated here.
But I am not sure what exactly I drew there or why. I mean you can see the things, but yea..
And that was on the other side.
And these were either related to art class or something, since I found a grade on one of them.
Then the covers and backs of my history class folders. This history class teacher (I also had as german teacher for some time) was all about design, colors and making things look interesting. It were her last years before she retired, a great teacher, at least for me.
By the way, in the bottem left, those are supposed to be aztecs playing some kind of basketball with a metal ball. Don’t ask me why, how or whether that actually happened, but it was said this way. 😀
(8th grade – start of the “great depression – part 2” …)
More history class, but this time 6th grade. I case you paid attention to the class name, here I actually was in group / class “c”. The first two years in secodary school (Realschule) I was in group “c” and then because the groups were too big from 7th grade on we had 5 instead of 4 groups and some had to change groups. So I ended up in “a”. But the letters were just for naming and order, no meaning behind it.
By the way don’t ask me about the pictures / images. Some of them I got out of the school book, others from other books and simply copied them and then glued them on it. I of course had thoughts about it, but I can’t recall all of it and might also not have been too deep. And don’t get a wrong image, I wasn’t supporting the people portrayed or shown. Just in case you might think or assume that. If even then I was interested in Marx, but only because he had a point to some things. For example that his family was jewish and his father probably told the family that they should go to synagogue / shul. And although Karl Marx probably weren’t really getting the point or felt good, he first accepted that. But when they then moved to a city / town and his father then tried to convince them that they should go to a christian church, he was confused. When he asked his father about it (according to some), the father replied that it was good for the business. And well, then young Marx probably had enough… understandably. And it turned out that religion was indeed opium for the people / masses. Sadly he missed the point of old knowledge, ideas, feelings and spirituality, which was not part of religion, but maybe inspiration or part of actual people who wrote some of the things in religious used books. And before you ask why I thought about such things with 11/12, well already in elementary school times I watched documentaries about the world wars and a lot of other historical stuff, as well as scientific things and much more. Things which terrified me and or fascinated me on the other side. While probably all or most other children in the area where just watching child TV or whatever. I had a balance between these things. Sometimes I would watch things there and sometimes I watched something about “boring” information. But one thing was for sure, I never got why people were watching shows like Teletubbies or even think it is or was good for children. I watched it once or twice since some children were talking about it, but it was pretty boring, stupid and weird. “Good” that a relative of an autistic cousin of mine thought it was a good idea to buy him DVDs with these, knowing that he was watching child movies and stuff, while being only 1-2 years younger than me. Man… and then he couldn’t get enough of it and I sometimes had to watch it with him.
That sums it up, I guess… (just a random meme)
Meanwhile my history class, showing me “correct” history:
The women and the boy on top were probably like: “This is fine.”
While the men were like: “Gimme that fish” or “WHERE is the enemy!?”
Yes, “correct” history, yay…
There was even something about tin and other metals and how they were created, processed and harvested.
The best part about bronze: “sieht schön aus” (looks pretty) eh yea…
Oh and in case you thought I was making fun of my teacher(s), then you must have misunderstood something. I respected them, at least most of them, except for a few who probably didn’t even respect themselves and also were mean and unjust towards me or others. My history teacher was really a great teacher, although sometimes maybe a little strict. She even told us about her life in the GDR / DDR and about the secret police / Staatssicherheit (Stasi).
Only to see that people nowadays are actually still pretty similar to these people there. Maybe the bear was actually the smartest of them. Oh wait, the bear can’t be smarter than the human, since it is an animal. I forgot. 😀
And here the great roman empire and a trial to show how Julius Ceasar got stabbed. Interesting what would have happened if people actually would have tried to stab the statue, would it have bleed white liquid? Ok joke aside, but yes, I really paid attention to things, although I didn’t think it would help me with anything or that I would actually survive this long and that I would still want to live at some point.
And well history class or school itself didn’t really help with that, actually caused or supported my death wish. Since it was mainly preparation for a life as a labor slave, while getting told that you could be anything (as long as the grades are good enough, you have connections and basically sacrifice your life). Yay… fun…
But when I speak about school, then I really mean “school” like the institution, building or dead thing it is. The system behind it and such. I actually were happy about some of the teachers, like this history, EWG (geography, economy, society, etc. class) and german teacher. They gave me hope that not all was lost or pointless, but sadly it wasn’t enough.
And a little bit more of art class.
Das sieht aber lecker aus! mmh…
Well this looks delicious! mmh..
etwas später / a little later
Und hopp! Nur noch aufmachen!
And hop! Just have to open it!
nach kurzem Gefecht / after a short fight
angry cat noises ^^
Lass mich bitte raus, bitte du lieber Vogel.
Please let me out, please you dear bird.
Denk nicht mal dran!
Don’t even think about it!
ENDE / END
Well, I don’t know what it was about, but I got a grade for it. Man this is creepy, knowing what I thought of it.
“Smile” … oh boy…
Things one draws on 14th February 2011, it seems.
And then this nose thing… I even had to make a painting of it later. I wonder where it is. I am not sure whether it stayed in the school since some of these things were presented publicly as a theme or something.
Noseman (an old video game we had in elementary school, besides others) would have been proud. xD
I actually placed cinnamon on the actual painting. This crapy drawing was the sketch for it.
And here you see 9th grade depression at its best… eh I mean a painting I had to make in art class, based on an actual one. (BK stands for Bildende Kunst / visual arts)
And below the original. Good ol’ Vincent van Gogh with his “Getreidefeld” (grainfield).
And finally the (evangelic) religion class folder I had in 6th grade.
Interesting how I wrote “Gott” (God) inside the sun, although it made no sense. I am really confused about it.
And in case you should wonder what RSA stands for, it was just Realschule Altensteig in short. That actually reminded me, that up until then the school actually had no official name, just the “classification”, since we have or had (depending on the county or something) three different secondary schools with three different difficulties. I actually could and should have gone to “Gynasium” (the highest of them, not to be confused with the english “gym”). But hey, friends were more important to me, although I already got bullied. Genius me…
That is the back of the folder and there even was my old address and phone number. Since the whole secondary school time and also the technical highschool I went towards later, I lived in the town, in the police building.
And finally something very weird I found inside of it. I am not sure why I did it and whether it was part of the class or not. Probably, but then I guess it was not really something positive for me, as you can see from the small drawing beneath the imaginative dialouges.
Freund Simon: “Johannes ist nett und man kann mit ihm viele witzige Sachen machen.”
Friend Simon: “John is nice and you can do a lot of funny things together with him.”
Mutter: “Johannes ist etwas faul, aber er ist gut in der Schule. Doch (er) ist etwas frech und aufgedreht!”
Mother: “John is a little bit lazy, but he is good in school. But (he) is a little impertinent and hyperactive!”
Das steht fest: braune Augen; dunkelbraune Haare; ca. 1,55 m groß; ca. 50 kg schwer; 11 Jahre alt.
That is certain: brown eyes; dark brown hair; about 1.55 m tall; about 50 kg heavy; 11 years old.
Lehrerin: “Johannes arbeitet gut mit und ist ordentlich und artig. Er ist ein guter Schüler!”
Teacher: “John cooperates well and is neat and well-behaved. He is a good student!”
Oma: “Johannes kann schön schreiben, aus ihm kann was großes werden!”
Granny: “John can write beautifully, he could become something great!”
Bild: Ich – “bitte töte mich”
Image: I – “please kill me”
People: But he smiles, he must be happy and feel good.
Probably the teacher didn’t think much of it, in case she actually saw it.
But hey, people in general (don’t) see me and think I am fine. 😀
And while we are at it, here are a few photos showing me when I feel very uncomfortable and try to play over the pain. I mean when I look at these photos I know why people think or thought that I was stupid, but yea… fun…
And now the versions expressing more how I felt and what it meant.
And now there are a few white dots on the picture, thanks… okay nvm.
Looking at these photos is pretty creepy, weird and makes me want to throw up or run away.
But it has to be done, I guess, I mean showing it this way.
And actually a lot of other people also would have probably burned the eyes or faces or actually did that in school on some posters for example.
Back then I didn’t really understand why, while on the other hand I hated to see myself and was burning my head (inside).
But well, if I would have said something, I would only have gotten into trouble. (classic)
Because that happened each time I then actually said something or tried to… so why should I, when I could instead smile. Some of my other cousins or people I know / knew also did that.
And other people are probably like: “Oh look, what a happy family.”
Or people from other countries who think they can be happy here must think: “Wow, they are all so happy, it must be good there.”