Power/less against the current

It seems as if you have no power.

It seems as if you are not wanted here.

That might be true or just what someone wants you to believe.

With each day, each hour or moment, an empathic heart is beating, the love can grow.

The more people feel lost and the more of them then are found by empathic hearts, the more the love grows.

And empathy is just a word for many, since it is a word. But it describes what some people just naturally are, have, feel and do. And not just people, just beings in general, like my cat. She is a little wilder than the typical “house cat”, but also way more lovely, independent and interested. She new that I would help her or are good for her the first day we got her from a woman who just temporarily took care of her and a lot to do with other animals and things already.

Xenia (my cats official name, although we usually call her Ksusha) can also survive on her own, if she would have to and maybe also had to (since we don’t know where she had been before). A few times she brought us birds or mice. Sometimes maybe as present, but also to proof or show that she indeed can hunt for herself, should she have to and that she isn’t old, lazy or stupid, as some cats might end up or even are wanted (or even made for). She even understood that my mother didn’t want her to bring dead animals, although she then probably didn’t understood that we didn’t want her to bring any. So she then brought birds who were still alive or mice. Which then of course was very weird and a little traumatizing as maybe can tell.

When she doesn’t want something she either shakes her head or body and if that is not enough she also shows her teeth or even wraps them around the arm. At one point she even had her teth place around my main artery / vene of the arm. She held this position for a few seconds and then let go again. I had no injury, not even a mark, I think. She could have easily biten me or even dangerously injure me. And then I knew, that she really loved and trusted me, but also wanted to get and see this from my side. If I would have taken the arm away or made anything in a trial to escape (or something), maybe she would have bitten or at least could have hurt me. Either accidentally or out of panic or confusion. But I didn’t and she didn’t hurt me.

This cat has more respect, wisdom, love and kindness then a lot of humans or maybe other animals.

And if you understand why she is this way, that she probably went through a lot in order to survive and has a big heart, you know how people or other animals (cats as well) don’t get something and can’t feel oder understand certain actions.

If for example a woman who went through hell most of her life or the whole time, would bite me, point a gun or knife towards / on me, I could totally understand that. Or if she would run away from me. Same goes for everyone else as well, of course, it is just an example and probably more relateable and happening then from the other side.

Because I guess a normal or default reaction would probably be, that then the other one (e.g. man) would try to disarm her or convince her that it is stupid or crazy what she does (or whatever). It isn’t usual that he (the one who could get hurt) would let it happen or risk it. Why? Because usually they are out for their own survival, own good and interests or simply haven’t learned or understood anything beyond their bubble or (probably very small horizon / world view).

If my cat would not have loved and respected me and wanted to be with me, she would have just bitten me, probably many times, maybe scratched me and so on. A few times I got a very small wound, but really nothing serious, only on the surface. I mean, I have accidentally wounded myself way worse. And compared to how my cat must have felt or maybe still feels sometimes, that was more than acceptable. I am just always happy when I see he sleep relaxed and calm near or next me. It also makes me feel safe, just her presence, while humans usually didn’t give me that. At least not those who I was with most of the time. Sure I also didn’t feel threatened to death all the time with everyone, but also not free because I knew I couldn’t say certain things or wouldn’t be able to anyway. And also wasn’t really respected or even if so (in a way), then only what I did and how I seemed, but not really for who I really are or what I felt. Because I never really thought my actual emotions or feelings were understood or accepted or what I understood and saw in others or things.

If you ignore everything else there is, how should you understand life, love and being alive or how things came to be?

So it makes no sense to avoid contact with others who might be a lot different from you.

But only if you won’t lose yourself then, which might even be a thing without you being responsible for it, since you might have felt lost or different for your whole life. Just didn’t know why or how and whether it was real or true.

You don’t have to do or be with everything and everyone to be able to understand it.

But on the other hand, if you don’t go or are where this kind of understanding, care and love is needed, how would it help or change a thing?

Is someone who wants people to come to them, really someone who understands or cares? It could be that they want to help or know something, but if they only wait and do nothing, it is really hard to believe that they really want to help or things to be different (in a good way, at least for those who want and need it).

These days you can of course also “go” somewhere without actually moving there, just via this blog or website for example or through write and talking with people from other countries or continents. And what is wrong with that? With communicating, being interested in each others life and how they are, really deep down and not what they want or might think they (always) have to present.

You (the reader) don’t have to do what I do and also shouldn’t do some or a lot of things I did (mainly the things I am still sometimes and were ashamed of or didn’t even understand nor really want). You also don’t have to do anything or listen to / read anything I write. I mean some people just read news paper for a living or such things, so yea…

I have or can have a highly manipulative behavior and also had to use it in order to survive, but also against myself to break me because I thought that I was bad, evil or a monster or something. I can lose myself in such things and I don’t want it, but it mainly happens when I feel alone and completely out of touch and see everything from a very distant, bigger picture. Each time I can get back her again, I know that I don’t know everything and also don’t want that and I am glad that I don’t. I also know that there are millions, billions humans and other life forms out there. That they also have feelings, thoughts, lives and some are searching, while others might already have found something or others and feel safe and loved.

In other words, when you can be with someone who might listen to heavy music or even does heavy things or completely freak out sometimes (both in a good or bad way), then it is okay of course. But for myself I can understand and maybe do all that (to some degree / point). Mainly because I partially am or was like it as well and also because for me it makes sense or is possible that people who might listen to or make symphonic metal for example (which I also did for many years and still sometimes do) are or can be very kind, open and lovely people, who often even help others just with their presence and music by showing their fears, secrets or feelings out in the open. And then they help people who might otherwise feel lost or at worst won’t survive, that they are not alone. Beyond that some of these people or bands and communities even help with special events or by creating places or new ways of doing things. Things people who just always talk nice and collect money, often don’t understand or maybe even would think is a good idea or whatever.

Why for example is knowing and being able to use some form of marshial arts or just basic human defense reflexes a bad thing? In case you use it just to defend yourself and maybe teach someone a lesson, it is a good thing and needed more than ever, I guess. Like my cat also could have badly hurt or maybe even deadly injured me, but didn’t. Boxing and beating people on the ground has nothing to do with that, it actually is one of the reasons why people like us should know things like marshial arts or such things. Or simply stick together, instead of maybe even fighting each other for our different life choices, origins or (maybe) dark past.

There might always be beings or people who want to kill others, hurt others and just do whatever they please, I can’t tell, but it seems this way, but it doesn’t mean that they have to always win or also survive, while kind and honest people break, die or take their lives or pump themselves full with some drugs or medicine or alcohol or whatever to numb their feelings. You know or could know that in my case it is porn and it really wasn’t and isn’t good, but that’s just how it was and sometimes still is.

Some people hit a needle in their arm or maybe even have sex or climb mountains in order to feel something or just be able to forget things or get adrenaline or other things. Because their hearts are deeply hurt and broken. And others who were or are stronger than this feel all the pain others give them because they didn’t want to deal with it or couldn’t and then these stronger ones feel useless, weak and guilty. Especially when they then also might start to do or use something in order to somehow feel better or survive. Or they cut themselves, doubt themselves and all these things.

If people say about this, that it is stupid, then they have no idea what they are talking about. At least usually it seems this way, although it of course doesn’t really help and is good, but to say it was or is stupid, is like telling people that they are worthless. While then others just drink alcohol each evening or at weekends or “burn” their heads or feelings in other ways, but well that is normal and “everyone” does it, so that is then not stupid?! I guess you know what I mean or hope you understand.

At a train station I once got asked by a girl / woman whether I have a lighter for her cigarrete. I am not sure why she asked me or whether it was really about that, but I had none and also don’t smoke. So politely said that I have none and she left again. That was probably just one or two years ago, when I was still in my death wish mill and going to work / school (the german dual profession learning system, yay…). So I was unavailable for deep conversations and also not available for anything. At least not really, just passing by you could say. As well as this one time in the train when I was driving home from an exceptional visit of an online friend from Austria. There was a young woman sitting next to me as well for at least an hour or maybe more. I wasn’t talking with her, although she at first tried to start a conversation, I guess. Only when the train stopped because of an ongoing strike of some train workers union we started talking, since she didn’t fully understand what the guy on the loudspeaker was saying or wanted assurance that she heard right. And that was actually near the end of the train journey. We talked a little and at least I then knew that she was at that time living or going to a nearby part of the Stuttgart. And also wanted to go there by (sub)urban railway “S-Bahn”, but because it was their union which was holding the strike, she couldn’t and I also had to wait. But then she either took a bus or something and that was it.

There were so many reasons why I should have talked with her or others, but sadly also a lot of reasons why I shouldn’t have. Not that the reasons against talking make sense or were heavier, but my experiences and guilt associated with it were so high, that it seemed better to not talk. Of course it wasn’t neither for me nor other people, but usually when I decided to talk, I ended up talking with someone who was on a completely different “wave-length” (had nothing in common and also no interest, it seemed). Maybe there could have been a point at some point, as it is always possible to find something in common (I would say), but I guess you can understand.

My cat did just see me for who I truly was and for my heart, otherwise she would have not wanted to be with me and felt safe with me. And she even sometimes kinda punished me when I did something which was not good for me nor in general, like watching porn. Although she might not have know it or understood, you might think, she knew that it was not good for me and also her therefor. Don’t ask me how or why, but she can feel it I guess, like I also can feel such things, at least sometimes. But having to ignore feelings or even hate them, really can disturb and hurt a lot of which once was natural, good and wonderful.

I really hope my cat doesn’t suffer like I often do, but sadly it feels this way often. She really can carry a lot of weight I guess and also has a big heart. She also tried to help another male cat who was seeking shelter last winter. But soon after he attacked her, got agressive towards her and also manipulative with his innocent eyes and pleasing “words” (or whatver cat noise he makes) as if he can’t do harm. And then you look away for a second and he growls, attacks and manipulates my cat and also sneaks into the house. If he wouldn’t have done all that to my cat, he probably could have been in our house as well. And I still at worst would give him shelter in the lower floor, so they wouldn’t walk into each other. Hopefully. Because my father, having the same kind of character like this black and white cat, doesn’t want to give it shelter in his house, while he wanted to help it. Interesting way of doing that, by letting it sleep outside in the cold or maybe at least the garage. But yea… he also did that with the other animals and I almost said and with me as well, but well, if I would have looked like an animal, probably yes. Instead I had a room, but wasn’t really allowed to play or have it in a way I wanted, when he was around. Which usually was the case, since he didn’t work. But luckily was instead busy doing nonsense or driving around sometimes, so I could sneak out or also do things in secret.

It is really hard to stay true to love, when you then don’t even know for sure that it is what it is or good that you have it or had it. And made me destroy it or hate myself because I loved myself and others too much or at least did in retro-perspective and now again, although I am also too scared now to face them, since they never really knew me, so how should they be even able to understand it? Not to forget, that it would be too much for them to handle and also not possible in their basic way of life. And even if they would, it is harder for me to open up towards people who knew me just for my facades and masks I had to have or things I had to pretend or simply didn’t understand. They mainly know me for my face, the way I did things or talked (or didn’t talk) or whatever. And I know that some of my friends didn’t just do that. I know that, but I also don’t think they can understand it, even if they would want to. So I also don’t want to talk to them.

Maybe or hopefully at some point, since they are still important for me, but I know that it is paradox to say or write that, while then willingly avoiding contact with them. But I mean I live in a village in which people are in general not really openly talking about things and often talk behind others backs in a negative way. (yeah, sadly not all that special, I know.) Especially when someone isn’t feeling good or has trouble. People who later even killed themselves were known to have problems and some even remembered them getting loud (basically screaming for help), but ignored it or just said basic things which no one needs. So when I don’t want to meet or talk to others where I live, it might be understandable. Although I know that this cycle can only be broken this way. I hope I can get myself to talk with some people soon. Maybe even the refugees, although I also feel weird for doing so. My mother also works there (cleans a part of the building they live in) and is also an older woman. But it is weird if I would just ring there and say: “hey, do you want to hang out?” (or something like that). There are two families with some girls and boys or now probably teenagers. When I was a child or a young teenager myself, I had not so much of a problem with that. Played with the neighbour girls and even sometimes strangers or also was talking with people about sometimes even deep and serious things.

All this guilt, pain and hurt feelings and knowing that I won’t be able to live on my own in this world, this whatever, I also don’t want to open wounds which might not even be closed.

It is easier for me to open up here or to people I don’t know from childhood on. Not because of the (maybe) “classic” excuse or reason, that I don’t know them and therefor probably can talk or open up to them, since I don’t know them personally. It is more that I myself am not prejudged (okay, maybe a little and for good reasons, but nothing serious) and also didn’t built up severe walls and “masks” towards them or also in a way had to. I had no traumatic events related with strangers and they also didn’t know (or think they knew) my family from a surface, fake level. So it is easier to be honest and also accept honest and sometimes maybe (possible) painful responses because I know that I want and can be open with people. Or at least way more and should be, instead of what happened through out my childhood and seemed to be (more or less) normal or “known”, but accepted / ignored.

I don’t feel free, good or safe in my village nor do I want to stay here.

And I know there are people I would want to be with way more and they would want to be with me, although some of them might not even know that by now, while I might not know them.

It is pretty heavy when you “wake up” and then somehow it seems that you have to make something possible you would need yourself, while most people also would need it (or at least a lot of people could need it). But I am just happy that I managed to somehow survive and it seems as if even if I would be able to make it possible somehow, I would probably mess it up. Luckily I was at least partially able to find some words for it and this way maybe supported others who already made some things which were going into this direction or who might also have had similar dreams, hopes and wishes, but weren’t able to find the words or weren’t able to share them. At least with the people who needed to hear or read them.

And I know, that I am on my own with some specific things, but definitely not alone for the over all thing of feeling loved, accepted, wanted and free.

Be open to see that you are not alone and also try to find and support each other.

And in case people of religious originated groups (e.g. christians) who I might not even would have a problem with, in case they truly believe and want and do good things, would want me to start with my family, my village and sacrifice myself for them / it. Then (at least the christian ones) please read your bible again. Because even Jesus was mocked and probably laughed about or shamed by the people from where he came (according to texts in the bible). And they didn’t even recognise him as something special nor important and instead took him for just being the son of (the/a) carpenter. So please explain me, how I should then do something what even Jesus couldn’t or didn’t?

My father would then probably say: “But you have to be better!”

And then (according to the religion around this) this would mean that I would have to be better than the only son of God (in case you believe in it this way). So basically my father or maybe other believe would or want me to be better than God himself or at least his (or her or their or its or whatever) only son. While then on the other hand of course they say that the opponent, this so called Anti-Christ or beast or whatever wants to be better and claims to be better. And so on… and even the bible says that we should take Jesus as an example on how we should become or at least get to be. But hey… other people say this or that and all of a sudden it all somehow makes sense or no sense and then only Jesus is perfect, while also he didn’t do everything others want or he (according to them) could, would or should have done. Also ignoring the kind of people he was loving and helping and ignoring a bunch of other things.

But hey, I am the sinner and ignorant and have to be baptized, cleaned of my sins and be holy, while I actually can’t be that and will never be on this earth, but have to be, thanks… I find the door on my own.

The saddest thing is, that Jesus was actually an inspiration for me and as a kid I really believed in him. But the more I knew, the more I questioned things and ended up understanding that a lot of things made no sense. Although the core and actual core or root (at least should be) of it was to be open towards others, being able to handle other people’s ignorance, shame and hate and still do good things nonetheless. And that most people don’t understand it, but that you can make them feel it or see it. And that you can only do it when you think and feel for yourself. Sadly that is usually not allowed or accepted. How convenient…

What is wrong with playing a little metal music? What is wrong with playing some video games? What is wrong with laughing, singing and jumping around in joy in public? What is wrong with wearing different clothes or wearing things because you want to or feel comfortable with them, instead of getting forced to wear specific dress codes or whatever… ???

Is a white tiger not a tiger just because he is not orange?

Would a purple tiger much of problem, in case they would exist?

Why can’t people have multiple colors and things in general? And why is it so hard to do good things, while on the other hand a lot of people “seem” to promote or support them?

I guess if the real Jesus would come down here again, he would just shake his had, cry and probably try to sacrifice himself again for others until others would kill him again.

There actually was a film about this when I was little.

And also a few other movies based around such things, that most people claim to be doing or being good or justify their ignorance with religion or laws and stuff… but totally miss the point or ignore it yet again.

I know I did wrong on myself and others as well. I know that I didn’t do much, if anything of importance.

But I know that just my presence helped a few people at times when they needed someone and maybe inspired them to do things or at least feel less alone. And I know that I can’t be and am not responsible for everyones actions. What I did or didn’t do or might have happened because of my problems or confusion is my thing, my responsibility. If I would have ordered or killed hundreds of people, then this would have been my doing, I would have to live with this and also accept that I could have done otherwise or at least tried to change it, instead of simply doing or accepting it at the time. And in case it happened out of not knowing some things, then knowing or understanding them later should open up a heart and also make someone see.

It is horrible to see how much more good I could have done and what pain I could have safed myself or others from. But for me it is even more horrible, that there are so many people, who suffer or could have actually done way more than I was able to, even if I could have. And I did more, survived more than some people even imagine, but still less than others had to and maybe still have to. Or those who couldn’t or just got killed or forgotten.

I couldn’t live with this horry always on my mind, while I seemed so little without any way of changing it.

I just had to find something to be able to handle or forget it, since it seemed that having it on my mind made no difference and talking about it also made no difference and I wasn’t allowed or able to do something.

I turned out to be so highly addictive, that I am really glad that I turned out to be (partially) addicted to information and computer, but (sadly) porn as well.

But for me porn was and is actually something people call a “love-hate” relationship, I guess. And I can slowly get away from it now. Because since I actually often felt more like a girl or woman, while being considered a man, one half of me then enjoyed it (in a weird way), while the other half got tortured.

So when you say it without formal words, you could say I fucked myself quite literally. At least from the perspectives, feelings, emotions and damaged I did to myself this way. Because I often imagined myself as the women on one side, getting hurt, used and all pretending to be fine with it (or simply getting ignored), while the men had a “good” time (or whatever). So unlike some people who might just watch porn for entertainment (or whatever), I actually started to watch it to torture myself and then also on the other hand get some kind of chemical reaction (or whatever) out of it (as the result of masturbation). It is and was much worse for me than it might sound or seem. Because I basically at some point enjoyed torturing myself, while of course other people either also paid for it with their health and sanity or at least did things so I could hate myself.

When you don’t understand that I was not only enjoying it, but also torturing myself with it and feeling empathy, love and sorrow for the women, then it could only seem like some wanker who all of a sudden developed feelings or whatever.

It isn’t and wasn’t like this and never was this.

And I also didn’t really or fully understand it back then.

From psychological and probably even heart and mind perspective I was not really supposed to be a boy or man. So if even a boyish girl or something. Since I usually felt like that, but also sometimes of course just like a man. It is actually normal that a human has both from birth on or at least is able to be both. Maybe it depends on the parents, I don’t know for sure how it all works. It is just important to understand that you can’t say that someone is something, just because they seem or look a certain way. And also that they can’t know things just because they have because of their origins maybe a specific culture, tradition or religion or something.

Often they also had no other choice or possibilities and then learned and accepted from a young age that some things might be a certain way or maybe even got forced or convinced to believe and accept them. Often maybe even against their own believes and understanding of things. So they might ended up confused and partially broken. And in some cases it could also be that maybe in their case it actually wasn’t in a bad way, but simply as a way how things are or were. So they might even be proud of their origin and could maybe confuse things or others as well. Like with certain clothes, tradtiions and things.

For women from western or modern views now it is weird to wear something in their head, while actually a few decades ago it was also even asked of them or at least common. And then someone from another culture or country could maybe just wear someothing on their head since it is just how it was for them and they might even feel more comfortable with it. And if that would be the case, why would it be a problem? Since they then of course could also still decide to not wear something on their head at some point or others maybe wear something. And if even just for fun or something, like role plays, actors and such things or to try it out.

I for example as a teenager often just for fun wanted to wear linen around my mouth and nose. But now I don’t want that, while a lot of people seem to want it or even think it is relevant. That’s like with wearing things in general. Why is it relevant or when? When you are in winter for example, it makes sense that you wear worm clothes, otherwise you might freeze to death. But why would it be a problem to wear less in summer? Just from a logical point of view. And on the other hand, why is it a problem if someone (like me) wants to wear a t-shirt in winter and maybe a hoddie in summer? At least that actually happened and one of my uncles also did something like that, when he was a teenager.

I mean even the people in the so called or former orient, arabic or indian regions, were wearing less and more practical or maybe beautiful things, instead of all black or hidden and stuff.

Mainly the male dominance, ignorance and lust (or whatever), were causing problems with it, while actually all these changes or rules didn’t really help with it and probably even supported or fed this problem and madness.

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