Like in the video about “a paradise built in hell”, I not only came here or was growing up as a child of love, but also with the sight and wisdom of what some need decades to find. It is hard to understand or to believe and I doubted it myself, since everyone else around me did.
When I was pointing out that work is slavery (or at least not good for me and others) and that I know how I could do things and would do things, it was not understood, not accept or even taken for crazy.
So I started to hate myself and make myself hate myself to be able to end my life or let others do it.
Because I had so much love in my heart for myself and everyone around me, that it seemed impossible for me to live like them and to be able to survive with my love and wisdom or just the joy and willing to be there for others.
I had no other chance to survive than to make myself broken.
I had no other chance to survive than make myself want to die, so I could focus on death and destroying myself, instead of seeing all what was wrong around me, while no matter what I said or tried, seemed pointless and only causing more pain anyway. This focus on death, when I reached the point where against all my belief about my own strength and love, I was actually able to take my own life forcefully, made my love even bigger than it already was. And so it left me with even greater pain and sorrow than I started with as a child. But I stayed nonetheless, partially because I couldn’t let others down, not now, partially because it seemed pointless anyway.
Why couldn’t they see my love before I had to break it?
Why can’t they see it?
Some people do and feel it, like you maybe.
And I guess, that although I would never want to experience anything like I did and still do, I am thankful for it because it made me understand why others can’t love and why they aren’t able to see it.
I was literally too good to be true when I was a child, quiet, kind, helpful, sometimes even brave, respectful of others, intelligent, highly imaginative and creative, curious and open for new things. Able to do things others couldn’t do or even think of at my age.
And when I write about it or talk about it, people think I am a liar, think I want to be important, think that I am narcisstic, that I “just” imagined it, that I am an idiot because only they tell such things. Or whatever…
And I just can tell, they didn’t want me when I was full of love, they didn’t want me when I was full of hate, they just wanted me, when I did something for them or behaved as expected.
I am not any prophect or guru or whatever, for myself, I am just someone who was not allowed to exist, simply because I was too good for this world, although everyone asked for people like me, it seemed, only to “burn” them for their own purposes, waste them and make them work until they die or end their lives themselves.
After all I have done to my mind and heart, I am not sure why they work again or still at all.
It was probably because I always had this last bit of hope, that maybe this life I hope to have, that I saw possible for so many people and thought was coming, which kept me here, eventhough I was long gone, would it have been only for myself.
If it would only be: Live your own life and make the best of it or serve others until you break, I would have chosen death as I did.
Because for me it was clear, that only through making people open up and also stopping the need for a non-existing superior human help, like a government, we could actually live.
Most children, if not all, they are not evil, not in my eyes. They might only be confronted with all this madness people put themselves and others into, by some people who want to rule or play God and stuff… So the children just adapt to what is given in order to survive or even get forced to, when they don’t want to or even feel bad if they can’t. Or want to die, like me.
Only because it always has to go on… and on… for whatever reason or non-existing logic for that part.
If you can bring someone back to life or keep it, with technology, great.
If you can bring someone back to life or keep it, with healing hands, great.
If you can bring someone back to life or keep it, with some herbs and water, wonderful.
If you can send someone love, we can find good things in so many things.
It is only because there has been so much madness and abuse and hate and some people used such things only to control or manipulate people, that we have so little trust in it. Often with reason, although we might not have fully understood why, at least some of us. I knew why I didn’t trust things, but I found myself alone with it, at least where I was, for the most part.
If in the trial to find a solution for a problem, someone or especially someone or something else has to suffer, the solution might not be worth the trial, since it includes a problem.
You think that what I consume causes my feeling.
But if I wouldn’t, I would be dead by now.
I need and needed to see death so deep into the eyes, that even death (as an imaginative person) got scared and confused, while I tried to embrace this personified death, only to find back to why I wanted it and actually didn’t want it, but had to, in order to survive.
I can still die, I guess, but so could anyone. No matter how great their cells might be.
If you can’t live through love, you can’t live anyway.
If you put hate and fear towards others who might only feel the same, what do you expect them to do?
Should someone want to see me dead, the shall come and do the job.
Because I am done waiting for a life, I can’t have, while everyone says that I don’t want it. Not knowing that what they have isn’t a real life or only a small glimpse of it, sold as freedom, while actually be a zoo, a prison, a better cage, described like cattle, presented like rats, lived like insects, experienced as ice, felt as fire and shattered like glass.
Show me a tree who is out to kill and harm everyone and everything around it (for no reason and not as an accident) and I will stab myself because than I really shouldn’t live here.
You don’t have to listen to what I listen to, because I listen to everything.
But you can, if you want to.
The more I listened to deadly, scary and painful things, the more I understood how far away from life we are.
At least when you see it in a way I do.
Why can’t we use military machinery to rewive earth, by transporting resources to help it heal?
Why can’t we just stop to use weapons, instead of producing new ones, so some people can play their war games for whatever purpose, if there is any… any other to stay in power or just because it was like this and already works…
While actually flying in a country and building it up in a peaceful for or leave and let the people do it themselves is so much better. And when letting nature co-existence with us. Why would it be so problematic to have big grown trees in the middle of a big city? Why would it be so problematic or impossible to have a few monkey walk down a street next to a few cats and a few people?
Because animals are agressive? Because people are?
Because they make dirt?
Because streets are meant for cars?
Because cars are meant for streets?
Because we need streets to use our cars?
Because without a car we are not human?
Then what are you, but a machine?
And here another track I made today, after I watched another documentary about zoos, especially those with humans inside. Nothing new to me, but probably for a lot of people, especially in the west. Since they of course never have done such things or supported them. Never…
While living in one… themselves nowadays, it seems.
And I love these people doing music and such things. It really helps to keep going.
You know, I can probably listen to someone screaming for a while, should they feel the need to and would love them for doing that. Although I wouldn’t want them to feel the need to scream or feel in a way which could wish one to scream. At least as a cause of pain and furstration, so to say. Because you could also make a sound scream like sound out of joy, should you see someone finally after a long time and be able to hold them.
I couldn’t scream, neither of joy nor of pain. At least not really. And I also don’t want to scream, while the scream in my head remains, like the zoo. Isn’t it still?
Stay safe friends!
Have some love!