Old dreams and connecting dots

One dream I remember from my secondary school time was about rivers.

I would be walking down a path next to a wild river and on the other side I saw trees. While I was walking forward, an invisible force dragged me towards the river and no matter what I did, it just pulled stronger. Then I fell into the river and tried to stay on top of the water, while the stormy water took me away. At some point I probably lost consciousness and woke up next to the river somewhere. There was a cabin in the woods and someone was there. In the cabin where some tools and other stuff, but I don’t remember more.

The thing is, that in real life I often actually had similar experiences when I walked over bridges, next to rivers and such things. Although luckily I was able to withstand there and just continued walking or just stopped and waited until it passed.

Another dream I probably had several times (maybe also in different versions), was the one in which I was flying over the street. It was usually something like a scene which seem real, something from places I have actually been and sometimes maybe just an imaginative place which looked similar to reality. Then I would walk and start running and at some point I just decided to stop acting upon the reflex to move the feet. So I basically was running and then all of a sudden was floating, while still moving forward, as if I was still walking or running. I also got something like this in the Mount&Blade Warband game. Although in the game it would then be a bug / glitch or something. So technically the animation would break sometimes when you were “moving” sending too many signals with the keyboard and mouse (or something like that) keys, while walking and having an item in the hand. The computer just couldn’t handle that and then stoped the animation. Sometimes while the feet were on the ground or in the air.

Now that I thought about it again, at least the dream part, I figured out, that I probably had a broken memory there, related with something I couldn’t handle. When I was little, my parents were sometimes walking with me up the street where I now often walked towards the forest. And sometimes the held me, each one had one hand and then the held me up, so I could “fly”. It was fun, because it felt so cool and was exciting. It was safe because my parents held my hands, since I couldn’t actually fly. And then in joy I sometimes moved my feet in the air, while it was of course pointless, but it was fun and an interesting experience. It was a good time.

But in the dream, at least some or one of them, I was experiencing all of this alone, so it was pretty weird and although it also was kinda good, felt wrong and messed with my head when I woke up. Now it makes sense, that I tried to deal with this feeling of loneliness because usually I felt alone eventhough my parents where there. In the first few (2-3) years, when my mother was still at home, this was different. Still I sometimes felt or was alone, but at least she was still somewhere around. But after that I was usually alone with my father. And since he most of the time was busy doing nothing or telling me that I am basically not allowed to exist (even said that I am the problem, maybe because he felt this way about himself because of his parents giving him to his aunt or grandparents). So yea… I broke and so these weird dream + reality memories appeared more and more. I mean, not all was bad and some things helped me. But it was weird. Because usually I felt safer in my dreams and in reality. I even didn’t know what a nightmare really was and thought that I had no nightmares, since others said that they had seen monsters or such things in their dreams. But I didn’t and if so, only in a methaphorical way, for example reliving traumatic events, like visiting school or such things.

For me the real world was the nightmare I tried to get rid of, but it seem that this was only possible by getting rid of myself, which then also didn’t work. It is so weird, that you get into this world, see all these colors, well at least in my case, since I luckily grew up in a village which still has flowers and trees and some bees and stuff, unlike some desert(ed) places on this earth planet. And then you get called, that basically all of this is unimportant.

I mean, when I wanted to play with toy cars, my father didn’t like it. When I drew him, he didn’t like it. When I played outside with myself, it sometimes annoyed him. When I wanted to build something out of wood, he didn’t want it. When I wanted to help my mother cleaning the house, he took away the wish mop. When giving my cat milk and I did it not in a correct way, he complained, so didn’t do it anymore. When I tried to escape and watch TV, he sometimes locked the door, although it was actually his father’s TV and house (the one I am in right now), so I couldn’t watch. And I always found a way or tried to do something to feel good anyway. Often I had to go to the forest for that, to play with my imagination and also to feel safer. But then even my mother said, that I should stop with that imagination stuff and instead do my homework for school. And when I tried to escape into my computer, I got told that I shouldn’t sit all the time in front of the computer. When I then already hated myself so much, that I just fully have given into the madness and my mother saw that I had images of half or fully naked women on my computer when I fell asleep in front of it, she was angry. And also said, that she didn’t understand what men see in this or why they need it. Since at that point, besides some people on the internet, some online friends or other people who made gaming videos, while talking about their life and stuff (sometimes) were almost all what gave a little safety, although I couldn’t talk with them really or felt unsure about some things, I was broke. And since watching women warmed my heart at least a little, I got addicted to that. I mean, I basically learned from a young age on, that no matter whether I do something good or bad or just neutral in a way, it was either unwanted, problematic or traumatic. That messed so much with me, that my head burned out or down or whatever you want to call it. And after that point I was just moving and seeing days pass by, knowing or believing that no matter what I do, it will only bring chaos, anger, hatred, pain, trauma and at least more problems. So what do you do with your life, when it seems this way?

In my case I tried to erase my memories, my ability to do and see things and also tried to give myself some kind of ease. In my case this was then masturbation and watching porn and stuff. And it was like that I had to basically hide my existence. Since it was not wanted what I did either way. Imagination was not allowed, playing was not allowed, not going to school was not allowed and basically feeling free with others was also no option.

Before all that mess which happened (to me), I felt at least somewhat safe in my imagination, since I could just talk with imaginative people who wanted to hear me and loved me and just let me be. And the more all of what I wanted, usually good peaceful, helpful, creative and optimistic things, I more and more started to use everything against myself. (I know, I wrote about it already, I know…)

It worked and I turned into robot (in a way) or a ghost or something. Sadly (back then) I didn’t die, so I still had to do things others wanted, like going to school, looking for a job and such things. Luckily I survived somehow, although I probably died a few times and came back to life. It will probably take a while for me to fully recover and feel good with other people right next to me. And I really hope that is possible, since I am so messed up, that I am really not sure anymore when I am where and how. If you know what I mean or get a feeling. 😦

I mean, the most natural thing, to be with others and feel free to think and talk about stuff, is almost like the worst thing.

And when my mind hit the brakes last year, since I was about to actually become violent and could have harmed or even killed people, I had no other choice than to relearn or activate everything again. I mean, basically just actiavte and recover everything good, I or other forcefully damaged, destroyed or deactivated. Crazy… I know.

It was terrifying that I had to come to the conclusion, that I was about to face the reason for not only my reason to get rid of myself, but everyone’s reason(s). And the more I saw and felt, the more I felt like dying, falling apart, screaming and killing myself again. This year I was between actual love and walking through hell and dying to living and everything together.

When I was little I mainly had love and joy and all these cool and good things and was optimistic about everything. But then all the shit happened… this year I got optimistic again, but reached a point of optimism when it turned into madness again and I wasn’t sure anymore whether it was pessimism or just madness or yet optimism? Nothing made sense anymore.

I had to force myself to stay through this and also tried to help others to stay through all of this, although I always thought I was doing the opposite and still sometimes don’t know…

I don’t know what will happen where I am, when it is Christmas Eve. I just know that I might go on this mission and then see what happens. Whether I have to undress myself in front of people or just play music or be there with them. I am not sure. I really don’t know. I don’t want to have to do that, at least the part with freezing in the cold, but since my feet usually freeze anyway, even in warm socks, rooms or while walking, it doesn’t matter that much, I guess.

And maybe with some additional visuals, like shown here sometimes in some forms.

I don’t want to do that. I am scared. But it seems better than just feeling terrified, like dying and lost forever, I guess. Probably I won’t be able to talk, since I still can’t talk when around with people I don’t trust or who seem to not understand me.

I don’t know what will happen and I also don’t want to know because I always knew or thought that things will break and end in my death. I don’t want that.

And hopefully for you, reading some of my weird stuff, was more like: “Oh, wow, I didn’t think about it this way.” or something like that. So it was not as horrible and hell like it was for me. But either way, as long as we get through this together somehow, I don’t mind… I just want this madness to finally stop.

People: what madness? Everything is normal.


(well, I just assume that people would say such things from experiences or things I have seen and heard or felt, maybe these days they say other things or actually feel a little bit of what I felt and went through).

And I know a lot of you out there also have problems and maybe even similar experiences. I also know that some people went through other forms of hell and died as a result of it. I know. It doesn’t make it better.

I also wanted to write about some other things, but I forgot them again. Maybe it was for the better.

Now I remembered one of it again.

My mother sometimes told me about her life, her youth and places she had been, like Israel where she planted some trees with a group of people. Or Canada to visit some relatives. One of them actually wrote some letters to her, at least when I was a child, calling me “little prince” or something.

Sometimes she told me about the time in the furniture factory. About how the master thought she was doing good or even better work then the others and even gave her work which needed more time and careful precision, otherwise the furniture would break.

One time the people there were celebrating a birthday I think and someone had brought some kind of cake. The people were laughing about the cake and had fun and she looked at it and didn’t really understand what it was about. Thought that it maybe was supposed to be an animal or something. Well, not all people were laughing or standing there, but most of the probably. So my mother also laughed, although she didn’t really know what it was about.

Later one of the turkish men, with whom she sometimes talked as well as other people, went to her and had a serious conversation with her. That he was disappointed in a way and couldn’t understand that my mother could laugh or feel good about this cake (since it was meant to be something about sex or a body part or whatever, don’t remember). And when they then talked about it, he understood, that she didn’t even recognize nor understood what was going on and so he apologized and also felt better again. Since he had seen a good person in my mother and she was and is good. She loves animals and tried to help where and when she could, also people and worked over her limit most of her life so far.

It is so easy to get a wrong image of someone or create something for them, which just isn’t true. I also made that mistake sometimes, but in my case it was more of a question and being confused and helpless or hopeless.

So for example about the part with porn and sex and all these things… I hope it is understandable, that I don’t want it although a part of me wants it. There is so much negativity and weird stuff related to it and also the idea that it is necessary, that I really don’t want it. It terrifies me because there are so, so many other things we can and could do… I always knew that since I was a baby, although back then I of course didn’t think about things the way I do now. I someone wants to have a child, okay, let them have it, but also know that it is a responsibility. When you would do it like my mother did with me, then it could actually be a great thing. I talked with her from the first year on, helped her and we went on little adventures together, like driving away with the car, to escape my father. Even sometimes took blankets and pillows with us and snacks and something warm to drink, one winter. And then were talking about things and laughing together and having a good time, escaping the cruelity.

All of this isolation and broken things made us also willingly isolate ourselves even more, even from ourselves, like I did. Leaving all the crazy and broken stuff, while the good things were put away for the most part. And if even, mainly were there when I forgot that I put them away or I had to help someone with something.

If someone would think, that having sex would be a good idea now, then please think about it again and also consider that I am not fully stable and that it won’t help. Probably only make things worse again.

People: He is asking for it. Look. He really wants it. What a poor bastard. Haven’t had sex and now says he doesn’t want it. What a liar.

But it really would be a bad idea and not help.

Not when some people say, that they can’t understand how others still bring children into this world. And not when I kinda swore to myself that I will be the last one of my family (father side). If you don’t understand what all of these crazy things others did or made me do, did to me and that I just want to feel at least a little bit of sanity, please think or just leave me alone…

Because I am not talking about whether sex is good or bad or ugly or whatever. I am talking about how messed up all of this is. And that I preffer to be with people (with or without close) and hear their story, their life and also be able to tell them about myself and actually get to know each other. And also to be able to jump into literal cold (or maybe warm) water with them. To play silly games or just watch some birds sing for a while and such things. Or maybe go skating (or fail at it, since I never really got a sense for it) and at least try it. Such things. And then also maybe help planting some trees and other plants and look how it might be possible to help (the actual) nature to grow back, while also giving us the possibility to still live in co-existence or something. Maybe by reducing some or a lot of our unnecessary technology and instead just keep or make fully functional, logical and useful things. Maybe to have fun or to help each other, I don’t know. But I guess that would be anywhere better than instead keep on going to produce weapons or scared people and torture them or such things and basically go crazy. Or laugh about “so called” crazy people, while being one of them yourself, in a way or maybe even worse. It depends on how you put it.

I don’t want to be crazy anymore (doing similar things over and over again and seeing people and yourself die) and never wanted to be that, not really. But it seems, other people wanted me to be this way until I gave up on it and became this way, only to get out there again, in a way.

It is really scary, when you have listened to creepy pastas and other horror stories to scare yourself and make yourself want to die, only to then die or almost die several times, only to then realise what the stories were actually about. Like, the real horror behind it. Maybe intended and known by the authors, maybe not. But definitely heavy tobacco. 😀

I mean, I listened to a story in which someone woke up and was surrounded by monsters who wanted to eat him. Only to now have had similar experiences. I hope that guy is still alive and feels better now or already did, I can’t tell.

A few years ago some of my online friends (when I still had contact) were talking about porn and sex with me or with others, while I was listening for the most part. This way I for example heard that they either got bored of either of those after some time or just saw it as a normal and natural thing. One of them even said to me, that he knows some girls who would be open for such things. Even sent me a picture of one of them back when I was still in secondary school. There was no face shown and it was just a girl showing her breasts. For me that was all very confusing and terrifying. I mean my brain was most of my life probably doing something like this:

And I mean, the thing with the photo was actually quite common and probably even increased, called sexting (or something like that, I think). It was also talked about in school or elsewhere. But I mean, yea… what do you expect from children or teenagers, when they arrive in this world.

Before I was confronted with too much information about all these things, I was just curious as a child. I just saw that some people were looking different and also had different developed body parts. When I was a kid I didn’t think dirty about these things or even knew or understood that I “should” think this way or others did.

For example by accident I knew that “the thing” with which you pee, was different for boys and girls. Because I was visiting one of my mother’s brothers and family and then wanted to go to the toilet. And since it wasn’t locked, I assumed it must be free and just opened it. There was one of my cousins on the toilet. I don’t know what exactly happened then, whether she or I said something and then I probably closed the door again.

I felt weird about it, I guess.

Unrelated to that, I also had a few dreams in which I was a girl.

In one of them I looked down and also looked under “my” pants. I think there was blood and I was terrified and also saw that I wasn’t myself.

In another dream I was probably with a man and I am not sure what exactly happened, but it was not okay, that was for sure.

I am still not sure how I was able to handle all of this on my own, not knowing what was happening most of the time.

It might seem kinda silly, but all I want is to be in someones arms and cry or just sit there or lie on the floor and just that. Just that for a while, nothing more.

I mean, my life seemed impossible. The I saw movies with similar things and that even terrified me even more sometimes, especially this year (although it partially helped as well, in a way), only to see that in my direct environment most of the things are still the same in a way or even got worse, instead of better.


There was a TV show “Allein gegen die Zukunft” (Alone against the future) which had the original title Early Edition. Basically a guy who got the news paper of tomorrow the day before and then he had to try to make everything good or at least tried to. Sometimes in very spectacular ways, risking his life or landing an air plane on a highway. Normal things one does. 😀

I loved this show and it was so good. Stargate is still my number one, just because, but I really have countless shows which helped me feel safe and also made me think about my environment and life different.

It is so weird that these shows made me feel good, showed me good things and made me want to live, only to get told that I should stop wasting time watching them and instead do “useful” things, like dying for example. Since no matter what I did, it seemed useless, pointless or unwanted anyway.

Well, only to realize as a child or young teenager that I actually got the news for the next decades and human existence. Oh boy… quiet and quite literally… 😀 FUN!

Luckily I was not the only one and also had not seen all, only mainly the darkness most other people avoided and also everything else, I thought to be never able to see or do, like sailing over the seas and stuff or actually making life liveable for me and others.

It is so difficult to see these things without the ability to really do someting about them.

So yea… this show… I guess the people writing it also had seen some things.

And it is so sad, that such shows existed just 20-30 years ago, but now we have THIS (meaning a big mess), while I expected to see the opposite, based on what these things gave me. Hope, love and safety.

It is as if between 10 – 20 years ago and now is a whole millenium or something, although it were just a few years. Back in my early childhood we still had cassettes audio and video (VHS) or even these plate disks, you know, as well as some CDs and DVDs. And just a few years later, all of a sudden we stand at a dark hole, at least humanity, it seems. And I think, well… I tried to tell you and others tried to tell you, but hey…

While those who should and could have done something (people who relaxed their asses and felt probably great about how they made others work for them or how they made it possible to make people work for things which were free at some point.) What a story…

Some people first have to develop some kind of super powers or weird anomalies to at least get little bit of attention, so some people start to figure out how crazy everything is. I mean that is like expecting a little ant to carry the weight of the earth, while there are giants who could help and do that with ease. Only to break the ants or see them fall apart.

And yes, at some point in my life I also killed a whole ant population with a stick because I didn’t know what to do anymore with my life who no one really wanted anymore, while of course wanting me to do things for them. So when my mother said that there are ants in the garden, when we very living in the town, I went out there at some point and just killed all of them or at least most of them. Did they do anything to me? No. Did I do anything to others to deserve similar treatment? No. Ergo: It must be normal. (WTF!!!) But really, I was just somehow trying to survive and not completely freak out. I am sorry for these ants and a few things which happened with other people, I mentioned here. Luckily it only were dead ants and not people, but that also doesn’t make it any better… Poor ants…

Ants: I feel you buddy. We also killed others and did what someone told us.

Also ants:

How knowing and understanding the world feels like (inside):

At least what we still have and seems to be “normal” for some people.

By the way it is having multiple meanings: red room, murder, redrum. There also is a game called like this.

And when even had a german teacher asking or talking about, whether it is possible to have anarchy or not, without losing it to anomy. Then you know the shit is real. Because she formed it in a question, pointing out that for a country like Germany it might not be possible. Although I thought, why not the whole world? And she said that, I think it was Denmark, had a small area with some people living in such a way and it seemed to work.

Meanwhile Germany or other “civilized” regions:

System: “Papiere bitte!” (Papers please)

Alive being: “Es tut mir leid, aber ich verstehe das nicht. Was willst du?” (Sorry, but I don’t understand. What do you want?”

System: “Ihre Papiere, BITTE!” (Your papers, PLEASE!)

Alive being: “Ich weiß nicht was du von mir willst oder was das soll. Lass mich in Ruhe.” (I don’t know what you want and what this is about. Leave me alone!)

System: “Dann sind Sie also kein Bürger dieses Staates und müssen dementsprechend ausgewiesen werden. Andernfalls sind Sie kein vollwertiges Mitglied der Gesellschaft.” (So you aren’t a citizen of this state and therefor need to get proper documents. If not, you are not a fully member of the society)

Alive being: “Gut, das wollte ich ja sowieso nicht sein.” (Good, I actually didn’t want that anyway.)

System: “Dann werden Sie da draußen alleine sterben. Wir wollen Ihnen doch nur helfen.” (Then you will die out there on your own. We just want to help you.)

Alive being: Oh I know how ya all “helpin”, I got ya man…

System: confused “Sie sprechen nicht keine mir bekannte Sprache. Bitte wiederholen Sie die Eingabe.” (You don’t speak a known language. Please repeat your input.)

Alive being: Okay, let me tell this in a clear way.

System: System malfunction detected! Shutting down.

Alive being: Finally… falls flat on the ground and died from exhaustion

Stay safe and thank you for your time and that you allowed me to mess with your head.

I only wanted to help… sorry… :-/

And I messed up completely.

Hopefully not, but please… please…. please … I hope you understood.

It is also interesting how I once dreamed of me looking like this, while seeing myself up front (I usually dream as I see everything usually). And I didn’t even watch this anime or whatever, did I?

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