Better days…?

The looks on their faces by the way. xD


By the way, in case you watched Stargate, then you hopefully understood, that it tried to show, that women get usually ignored, told that they are not smart or had to cover up and trick others as being men or such things, like other shows said, that some books might have been written by women, while said to be written by a man.

And in it there also have been some episodes in which women had to safe the day and a lot of men’s asses.

I really liked that in this show, ahead or beyond of the times, they tried to show all the problems and also tried to show solutions and things they probably were scared of themselves or unsure about.

One of the (executive) producers (at least of a part of the whole collection of Stargate), Richard Dean Anderson, even got an honour general title in the military for visiting veterans in hospital, playing his role in the show as Colonel and later a General and also spent time around the military. So they gave him this title and even said, that he could come to one of their bases / barracks and command some soldiers, since he had the General title, although of course not meant for real combat. At least that is what the “honor title” means, I guess.

It is interesting, how it could seem and maybe seemed, that this show was supporting military or war, while it did quite the opposite. They even had some actual Generals or military officials in the show, in some episodes (at least as far as I know). And also said, that they were walking close with the military, at some point. At least that is what my memory told me and you know my memory. 😐 😅

This Richard man, when I remember correct, said he wanted to spend more time with his daughter (or family, since I don’t know anything about his family or whether he has a wife and stuff, didn’t interest me). Unlike a lot of other people who probably have nothing better to do than looking into other peopel’s lives, houses and bed rooms and stuff. You know what I mean…


(date of the video publications)

Well and today a few things I ordered (yes from Amazon… yes… I know) to make what I wrote about.

I got a new phone (but you already have two broken ones) because I can’t repair the old ones because I don’t have the nerves and energy for that and so many other stuff… besides that they would break again anyway, if you know what I mean.

I also might be able to analyse the architectures and stuff later, since I don’t throw them away, like other people maybe or who get a new one each year or month or whatever they do these days.

Also some cables arrived, so I can finally shutdown the wifi signal. At least something, although the phone is still wiresless. Heh… ironically next to an old phone with these wheel with numbes on it. Sadly it doesn’t work anymore or was at least deactivated. Yep, my grandfather used that thing until 2014 and it also worked past that time, until my father had to stop the payment, since my grandfather was dead. And afterwards it was probably not possible to use it again, besides that internet would probably not work with it.

It is so weird to live in a house built in the 60s, while being in the 20s.

Funny story my mother told me. Back in the 70s I think, the USSR, she once got unconscious and felt down on the kitchen floor (I think). When she got in hospital or at least to a doctor, they said that she probably had a short heart muscle or something. They gave her an excuse for the day, but told her she should go to work again the next day. Fun fact, the doctor was a woman and the next day was a holiday. Something similar happened again in recent years, here in Germany, although in this case it was one of the people who are responsible for telling her about changes and additional things. When she got told to clean a public hall either before or after an event, but the day she was told to do it, was also a holiday. At least in the recent story, she said that and then the other one said, that she was losing touch with all these dates and time. That was a few years ago. And well, recently some people were working out Excel tables for counting rags needed to clean and were telling that the time is running away from them. I don’t know what they are doing in these buildings, but it can’t be good, if it makes them think and so such things. And it also makes you question whether they actually still know what they are doing. I am just saying…

And just in case this seemed like anger or hate speech, it wasn’t, my mother is even worried about these people and I am worried as well. She even noticed that one of the woman who once told her about changes and stuff seemed very distant and also a little low or something, while not long ago they were talking good and everything seemed okay.

Sometimes I was sitting here, typing and had a wonderful smell in my nose. But when I tried to make out where it came from, I noticed that it probably wasn’t me, since I smelled like sweat, since I was cold and sweating. So I was unsure and thought, maybe I smelled what someone else smelled or wasn’t alone.

I mean, wouldn’t be the first time I feel like this. Although in the past it sometimes was terrifying me. This big smiling man standing behind me. Although I didn’t really see him.

You know, like usually, things just happen all around me and I couldn’t do much about it, either because I wasn’t able to, wasn’t listened to or felt not understand.

So for me it didn’t matter what exactly happened to me or in general, since it seemed pointless anyway.

Now it doesn’t and it feels good, should it really soon be better for all of us.

It felt like ages … and now it seems as if I wil fall apart or at worst ruin it, while it could finally be in reach.

But for the moment, things are still far from okay, from how they should be, but I guess we are getting there.

Just don’t lose hope.

And it is weird, really weird, but it is really easier for me to write, than to talk, although it shouldn’t make any difference. It got a lot better, I mean I spoke this year about things I never spoke about with anyone and also wrote about it here or elsewhere. It seems silly to still say, that I am scared, but I am because there are still all these strong experiences I had which made me feel worse, like shit or just irrelevant and as if I wasn’t able to do good things anyway, especially when I wanted. Even made me believe that I would only make bad things either way I would live. I am scared to die and I am scared to live, but only in the world how it was and seemed to be forever. Otherwise I want to live and also want to just feel good about all you people out there.

I really hope my father cries soon or remembers. I can’t do that for him.

I just want that this madness will finally end and that we can embrace each other because we want to and not because we have to (or not do it for reasons). And that we can make jokes, dream together and play and finally let the good things get through. I was born with all this brightness, kindness and openness, in a way. Sure I was scared sometimes, but mainly because of what happened around me, what people did or didn’t do and how I had to seek shelter somewhere or inside my whole life. Become more like them or get thoughts I hated. Almost made me do things I didn’t want and also made me want things I didn’t understand or liked.

Please, I don’t want to die again or feel it each day, this feeling of approaching death.

Should I really die one day or whatever happens in the future, I want it to be peaceful.

But I don’t want to die and also don’t want others to die.

Just yesterday I heard that a young boy hung himself and that it was most-likely someone a friend of mine was messaging not long before that and that he cared for her, but probably couldn’t take it anymore, all what is happening. She and another friend of ours were hurt and it was a horrible thing for the three of us. She made a short video about it, telling that no one should do this, that we shouldn’t take our lives. But sadly we three and others out there also have and had similar feelings. By the way they are teenagers, at least as far as I know. And it breaks my heart to hear and see all of this, while people continue as if everything was fine. As if it is normal that the children, teenagers and other people take their lives or live with these thoughts in their heads. And have to handle all of this. Or as if it is normal that people die (every day). Not all of course, but way too many, I think. Probably (already / still) trapped in their routine(s) others put upon them or they themselves maybe. I don’t want to get lost in my imagination again or whatever that is. I even remember a psychotic dream or experience from recently, in which the YouTube videos were glitching and I heard people say things which probably didn’t even happen or made sense. As if they were all laughing at me, about me. And I still don’t know whether it was a nightmare (during sleep) or actually happened or was a mixture of all of it in a psychotic event…

I mean I also had dreams or something, when I was little, in which I could fly or such things and since they seemed so realistic, I took them for a memory, only to find out, that I just dreamed that and none of it actually happened. HELP!


Brain storm incoming… 🙃

Do you know what I thought, when I looked at gender symbols?

Not only do they scare and confuse me, they also look pretty weird. Don’t you think?

Audience: What do you mean?

People: laugh

System: Dark sector found. Starting termination protocol.

What I have seen:

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