When you don’t feel good or maybe feel lost or think you will go to hell, you will probably live.
And I know it might not make sense, but the confrontation with death and hell and the realization of the hellish development of our earth and lives, someone who may or may not speak the truth, but know that something is off, are more likely to question things and therefor live, no matter where they might ended up or got themselves into or were pushed towards.
It is always easy to blame the victim or people for doing things they probably didn’t want to or understood, when you are the one who can do that. (e.g. a boss, a cult leader, devil, some men, …)
It is still very sad how, besides all the confusing and weird things in the bible, Jesus still remained as someone who supported those who were said to be evil, bad, unwanted or crazy. Why is that? And why is it, that people who go to church say that you should believe in Jesus, but they don’t really do that themselves.
Probably because some people made them feel guilty. (this is not about individuals, because as I said my one grandfather was a preacher and probably was too scared or distracted and busy because he had to care for a family together with his wife).
Making someone feel guilty, is a powerful tool of manipulation.
The Jesus in my bible cared for people everyone seemed to hate and gave them his love, so they felt better.
I mean, be it just a story or not, but I mean, if you tell and believe in fairy tales, then please do it right and don’t say you do, when you then make people who actually do or might not understand all this madness responsible for their mess.
This is like putting a child in a box with toxic water slowly filling it.
And then you tell the child, well, you just need to keep your head up.
Then you close the box from the top, while the child tries to swim.
And then you tell the child, that there is just enough toxic water to fill the box, so you tell it that it could drink some of it to keep some space to breath.
But the child doesn’t know that the water is toxic.
So it drinks some of it, more or less willingly, since the box fills up.
Only to end up feeling dizzy either way and air runs out as well.
Then you open the box, take it outside and tell it. Well, it was your fault, you shouldn’t have drunken that poison, you evil child.
And then the child dies.
So you can tell everyone else, that it was the childs fault, while you just tried to help it (or whatever some people say about doing such things these days).
I hope you understand what this example story means.
I think no girl or boy gets born and then thinks: “Hey, let’s have sex with older people we don’t even know and what even is sex, but hey it must be okay that it hurts and I have no idea what happens.”
In case you have another opinion, then please stand up and tell this to me looking straight into my eyes.
Because when you say that throwing bombs onto red cross, onto children or chemicals onto them and all this stuff… and that paying so called terrorist merceneries, while also paying soldiers to fight against them is a good thing. Well, then my friend we have a real problem here. Because such things happen, according to historical things I have heard and seen.
People: But all of this never happened.
My brain: 404 NOT FOUND
Well, I don’t know about some things, but I know that there has been violence, torture and other things.
And if I should choose between people who have done things which might not have been all that good for themselves in the long run or did things to survive, but were hated for it – and people who just have a normal job without much questions, just following orders. Well, I won’t take the ones who were just following orders, that is for sure.
And when understand it, then of course those who suffer deeply, but feel they are alone or couldn’t escape the maze, the order, money, pain death trap, are also welcome, when they are willing to accept that life is priceless and love is also priceless and that real love is with a beating heart and doesn’t judge.
Doing painful things or things which might be messed up, like taking drugs, is not good for you, at least not really. But when you are a drug addict (or something) because you didn’t have someone who loved you for who you are, no matter what you did or didn’t do, it would be murder to say to you, that it was your fault.
I for example have heard, that you have always a choice.
But what if all the choices or options you have will be shit?
You wake up and are a woman.
You want to see the world find friends and have fun in nature.
A typical Führer approaches and says: “Nature is cruel and so is the world. You either work for me or die.”
What do you do?
Option A: Hail my Führer, I will join the SS.
Option B: I surrender, you are superior.
Option C: Undress.
Option D: Run screaming in circles.
Option E: Tell a joke about puffins.
Option F: Die.
Audience: Hm… So many options. You should have just made two. Something like: “Die inside while pretending to be fine.” or “Turn into a witch and send that m*****f***** into hell where he belonfs.
Me: *coughs* eh… but, options, many options…. No, yes, I get it. Because no matter what you choose, the Führer is always right.
Audience: Something like that.
Me: You know what I mean, these people will always think they are so great by making everyone a clone, that they don’t even realize they are not living in the real world.
Audience: You are the man. 2 Samuel 12:7
Me: But… but… oh…. you got me, I almost thought you meant… *turns around right into your face*
Me: Oh hey, how are you doing? Why do you have a knife?
You: Oh well, I mean, I just thought we could paint it.
Me: Well, sure, why not? What kind of colors did you have in mind? And what kind of design?
You: hm.. now that I think about it, maybe blood red, with a little black and some purple? Oh and of course some spiders, bats and …
Me: And what?
You: And some bl…. *turning the knife towards my throat* … blisters.
You: What?! Did you really think I would hurt you?
Me: I wasn’t sure.
You: nudge me with the knife
Me: Auh! That hurt… Wait a minute, I feel something.
Me: Ah, no big deal, look it doesn’t even bleed.
A few seconds later.
Me: Okay, now there is a little blood, but it will stop.
A minute later.
Me: See. All fine. But maybe let’s not do that again.
You: Yeah… I just felt like stabbing someone.
Me: I know what you mean, but it will go away.
You: I hope so.
The actual reader: confused
Random reader: I am not even a woman, the heck???
Random human being:
People: Run for your life, it is a demon. Aaaahhh
Me: What? What is wrong with him?
Random human being: That hurt me.
Me: Sorry, I just made a silly joke about demons… But it is interesting how some people think a human being has to look like. Almost as if they were clones or something.
Random human being: It wasn’t easy to get friends.
Me: I see… eh… sorry, I mean, I know what you mean. People usually judge you from your appearance, maybe some things they have heard or seen and then think they know you. Or are scared of you maybe because you are different.
Do you know what my father said about this band (she covered)?
He said whether I know that they pray to satan.
And I just thought something like: So then tell me, isn’t this the one you follow?
But I actually just thought, that he should probably start with himself, instead of judging me all the time, as he did since my childhood. Especially when I tried to tell him, that he was angry and evil.
But according to my father, God is a businessman, I guess, since my father was all about these bank and money stuff. Saving money, searching for cheap deals, while breaking the tenth grass cutter or whatever…
And whenever I tried to explain it to him, show him, it seemed impossible. I can’t help this man. It is so damn hard to even find love for myself and I am more willing to share it with those who actually want to listen to me or who had their own stories to tell, than with my father who only takes it all, only to say hateful things about us again and again. Maybe one day, maybe one day he will see and feel what I felt. Because I know, deep down he was also an innocent child, who wasn’t prepared for this world. Who was expected to be someone he couldn’t be, while all around him everything was so meaningless and mad.
He told me sometimes that I have to forgive him, even almost forcing me to.
But I can’t forgive that. As long as he still wants to hurt me and my mother and manipulate other people and us into thinking that he is doing everything right, I can’t forgive that.
Because there would be the question, why I can forgive or love people who I don’t even know, who might have done worse things (according to some).
The answer is, that love can only work, when the people in context can give that for each other.
And you can’t force that or make that happen somehow. Someone has to want it.
Because a lot of people want love and there are also people who can and give love.
When some people might see or “feel” me, they might think, that they don’t deserve this. Well, or they think that I am messed up loser and laugh about me. And in my case that is similar. It is like, I know that it should be normal to feel good with others and that there are others out there like me or with similar feelings and thoughts, but it seems as if we are not allowed to be together in one room or something. And also as if we are not allowed to live. Sometimes it seems as if it isn’t even real for me and I think, should I really meet all these people (and maybe you) one day, I would probably just stay there like an idiot or feel uncomfortable, as usual.
But these insecurities and this kind of honesty is what makes love possible. This universal love you really can only feel and has not really something to do with what people usually relate with it. You can feel it while being on your own, which then makes you feel not alone and it even feels stronger and better when with others who also are open.
When I talk about friends, I don’t talk about “Oh, how is the weather?”-friends. For me a real friend (already described in some ways) is willing to do anything they can or maybe even would try to go beyond that, to help. And someone who understands you and doesn’t make you feel weird, when you say something weird, who you can trust and even say things other might beat you up for (or whatever).
When such friends / souls talk with each other and one of them opens up about their past, that they were sleeping with a lot of people. And then might say, that they even wanted that and had fun while doing so, that would be okay to talk about. Or if one of them would say, that they killed their husband because they couldn’t take the pain anymore, this would also be okay. Even someone who would say, that they went into war and threw bombs on innocent people because their officer told them to do that and later they realised what they did. It is this inability to accept things and let people process and understand them and their trauma or things they didn’t really handle.
This of course then wouldn’t mean that I would say, that they should continue doing these things, especially killing people. But this possibility to talk about such things or share in some way, would then at least give them the chance to change away from them and heal, if they want to.
And in case of drugs, it can happen, that it is hard to get away from them or to stop hurting yourself, be it through not eating enough or the wrong things or physically self-harming or torturing your mind.
Such things can sometimes take time and when there would be love for these people, instead of judgement, rules and such things, they could slowly or maybe even fast get away from it. But going through some trauma, the source of these things or lack of love, can take time and a lot of love.
I can’t answer the question, whether some people are just born evil, I don’t know, maybe a few. But usually the people who feel as if they are evil, are nearer to the actual truth, than those who think they do everything right and are the “good ones”.
Through my eyes a drug dealer could become an angel, but someone with a good paid job or a lot of influence, earned through connections and by making others maybe drug dealers) work for them, while presenting themselves as “angels”. They shall burn, if they don’t fall on their knees at cry for what they have done.
Luckily I am not in a position to either judge nor forgive such people, so they have to find a way to handle that. But there are so many other people who are trapped in this world such people created or supported.
I don’t know where my father stands. From my feeling and thoughts, he is on the wrong side.
But my heart says, that I should give him a chance to decide whether what others do or say is more important than what I or my mother do or say.
Sadly this question was in the room for 20 years already.
I know he is trapped, but whenever I tried to drag him out, he made me feel horrible again and made everything we loved or wanted either broken or gone.
So please, don’t tell me that I have to forgive my father.
If someone really asks that from me, like some people forced me to forgive them stealing or throwing away things out of my house, I wanted to give others or maybe thought to be interesting and historical…
I trust someone pointing a gun on my head more than people who say they love me, but break everything I love or do. My mother and I have sometimes problems, but she is have a lot of pressure and wants to be free and loves people. Even said that she wanted to be with others again and also has love for the refugees in the village and we once also brought a drunken man home who thought we were angels (when I was probably 10-12 or something. We just walked through the town park in the evening, since there usually aren’t any people and then there was this man sitting with a lot of wine bottles. It was winter and freezing. Maybe he wanted to drink himself to death and free or something. So we brought him home instead.
And one winter we were in Stuttgart at the Christmas market. Then I saw an older man sitting there on the street. I told my mother that we should buy him something. And so she bought a christmas bretzl for him. And when we talked about it recently, she said that the man who was selling hot wine punch or at least something hot to drink, was going to the man and gave him something to drink, while the street was full of people. Busy people…
And now look at me, I am scared to go outside. I am scared of people. I am scared of myself sometimes. I sometimes hate myself. I don’t know whether the people outside are crazy or what is happening sometimes.
It is so horrible that the only natural thing a human want, to be loved and also give love, got so broken and shamed. Or that people have certain expectations of how it has to be.
I know that I have built up expectations for myself I can’t and shouldn’t have to have.
And all just because what I naturally wanted and had, was apparently not okay or enough.
But it is and was.
Some of my feelings and thoughts are just so messed up.
Something we might have in common, but if not, it is good when you are not messed up.
But good people who are not messed up, have to learn to be not naive, so they won’t fall for things easily.
This usually happens, when they ignore their feelings and expect things to be how they (maybe) should be.
For example that someone who cries for help, actually needs help and doesn’t trick them into a trap to rob or kill them (or whatever). But still not ignore such a thing, just to be aware of things. There are no two sides when it comes to such things. Heart and head together. And it is also better to not be alone, what means to feel alone, even or especially when with others. When you don’t feel loved from your friends and can’t talk about anything with them, then it is probably not real.
Why do some people make it still so hard to live for others?
What does it give them? Why do they want to control and kill others?