A dark shadow


Some people haven’t read the signs and some haven’t listen when they should have.

But better check for yourself, like this commander did and don’t throw in others on your behalf.

So I have to go out another time on Christmas Eve, but thinking about it makes me shake (in a bad way). Just thinking about what I had in mind, something harmless and eye opening, hopefully. But not without a risk for me and also something I have never done like that. The next days will tell, whether I will go out and about what I will do, how far I will go.

I am scared thinking about it. I know, silly. And I know that a lot of you were scared before or maybe not at all.

It is not that I couldn’t do it or that it would be all that dramatic, at least shouldn’t be and depending on how far I will go, I might just walk home again afterwards.

It is just, that I feel as if I wouldn’t be able to say a word, like all these times before, in school, at work with others, when I couldn’t speak. Even when I wanted to.

I am scared that noone will listen or that they will listen and laugh or I don’t know.

I don’t want to freak out that day, but should I really go as far as I planned, it probably would happen.

Since it is one thing to see a movie scene, but another to be the actor yourself.

Because I remembered the case of a woman back in the 70s I think, who made a social experiment.

She officially made herself an “object” for one day or some hours and placed herself in a room somewhere public. And I just heard of this a few years ago, so I don’t know anything about it personally and can just tell what I remember. Maybe you find something about it, if you search or want to. There had also been all sorts of tools, weapons and probably a lot of other things. It was said, that people could do with her whatever they want, since the officially signed to be an object, until the time would be over.

During this time some people cut her, held a gun on her head, knife on her throat and even tried to rape her and such things. I guess that maybe a few other people helped her, so she survived, as far as I know. And I am not sure, maybe a some people also kissed her or just embraced her, I don’t know. But that just showed how people (probably men for the most part) thought about the whole thing. And it showed that as soon as someone says something “officially”, then you can go fully crazy or what? And also how the image of “human to human”, “human to other beings” and the image of women (or kind people) was, in the society and still is as far as I know or maybe even got worse again.

Because by calling or “labeling” herself as an object, she actually tried to show and tell how she or a lot of women (or other ignored people) felt. Like objects, as if you could do with them whatever you want. And with her experiment or “performance” or call it what you want, she maybe hoped to see a change, but actually was faced with exactly the things she tried to denounce. At least that is what I would see in it.

And the scariest thing is, that she might have been (more or less) safe afterwards, when she was “officially” a human being again, but what she experienced for a few hours or a day, others experience their whole life.

It is just so messed up, that as a child I was broken because of things, yes, but also not really getting the point of such things, that such things even exist. I had to make myself my worst enemy first, to be able to understand it. And then hate myself for it. It is so paradox to be the way I am, but at least I know why and that it won’t stay for this forever, but will get good again.

As a child I actually played through all kinds of past and future scenarions and possibilities. Probably in a way going though my ancestors genes or something. Fighting romans, throwing axes and spears, walking through woods with sword and shields. Pretending to ride a horse, but actually a bike, while have sword and shield equipped. Playing out all kinds of war scenarios or adventures on my own. The factory next to where I lived and now live again was the perfect playground for a lot of imaginative games and adventures I went on with myself usually. Sometimes with an actual friend as well, but usually alone.

I fought armies of undead, armies of tanks, armies of bandits and dark knights.

Sometimes even felt like in a colosseum, while actually just being in the small grass part the to the house.

I was planting rail tracks around the villages (on my bike, pretending it would be a railtrack planting machine). I was driving bus on bike or foot or such things. I was going through so many things all on my own. Build a robot empire with tablets to manage everything. Had underground facilities under the house, for all the trains and goods and such things. I played war scenes through. I even had fun jumping or falling down a board or some platform next to public swimming pools with another friend, making all kinds of movie scene deaths. Like hold your heart or getting hit by an arror or a bullet and such things. Playing that was actually fun, although of course I wouldn’t really want to get hit by some of those and then it also not be funny. But since these movie scenes were also fake, at least as far as I know, since these death scenes were not how it would look in real life.

I didn’t care about whether other people were watching me do that and knew it was silly, but that was the fun. And then also safely falling into water.

Sometimes I would also just float there either head under water or lying on my back and relaxing and maybe thinking a little. This way I didn’t even need to swim nor breath, at least for a while. Because there wasn’t any movement, at least not much, just the insight blood flow and stuff, of course.

And now just mentioning going into a public area again or swimming with other people, seems like an impossible thing, almost. I mean, now especially, but I am not talking about that. I also don’t like to be somewhere with other people who I know or knew, at least when they would just see me for what I might have been for them or what they think about me. I also usually “merge” with other people, so I get on the same level with them often, no matter who, at least when I want to. But when it came to me, this wasn’t the case. And don’t get it wrong, I can be alone, that is like the norm for me, feeling alone, especially with people. At least when they only want to talk about things like: “Oh look, here are some new designs someone posted on Instagram I won’t even be able to do.” And then I look at it and see different shades of gray and think, man, design must be an easy bot job. I just recently walked through Nagold, the next bigger town, I guess and I was shocked. I have seen a bureau completely in this white, black, gray colors and plastic plants and stuff and all looked as if no one lived there. And in general, there were everywhere these single color buildings (for the most part, with a few exceptions), even plans for more of this madness and they had neon lights (probably) active all night under a bridge of the (named like the town) Nagold canal / river. Changing color after a few seconds and also a water fontain active, with colors as well in the middle of the night.

I have seen some ducks there and felt sorry for them. Walking through this town then even made my mother scared and we both felt sick afterwards and literally had seen enough.

When I was in the same town maybe 10-15 years ago, they still had a place for pigeons, a wooden 3-4 meter high tower for them to sleep and maybe breeding. There was a place for children to play in the sand as I did sometimes. Also some flowers and (more or less) wild bushes. Now everything looks like Minecraft.

My mother and I even made a joke, that maybe some of the people who played that 10 years ago, now do the same in the real world. I mean, I also played it, but damn… that was really hard to handle.

I mean some years ago it was mentioned that geometrical forms or at least blocks like forms are unnatural and not good for humans and animals. That it was causing problems. Good that the development continued. And my own town did similar things, although they at least instead of erasing a playground made a new one and also placed these bird boxes in which some could seek shelter or breed more safely. But I think that was from a school project or something. And the market place is a gray one, they even covered the lonely tree who stood there since I was little in wool and surrounded it with red sand and bricks. Gray street lanterns with white light, a big gray block as a town hall and administration… Even the old castle place which was used for open air cinema is now having (probably) concrete (at least it looked like it and not stone) places to sit. Because a lot of people were going there, but it had not enough space before and they used plastic chairs or the old wood benches and theatre half round. There is this old castle next to it and now they placed these concrete or whatever bench / grand stand whatever thing there.

I guess, it is investment in the futur(e) simple past perfect. I mean, I don’t know, but I hate it that just a few years ago it was even kinda illegal or not wanted to have too different looking houses in the neighborhood, so people from the town administration drove around and checked on people and told them when something wasn’t allowed or okay in their eyes. And then I see black, gray, white block houses in my village, next to these basic white or light yellow houses with red or brown roof tiles and some even with some wooden walls or such things. But now it is okay to look “different”. 😀 xD 😔

Just when I was in elementary school, some people were still talking about water mills and potatoes and electricity and bees and trees and computer games. And now there is only Minecraft or Matrix.

The bee or insect “hotel” next to the school, maintained by an old teacher I liked is not anymore.

And people are worried when the deer population is a little higher (oh no, they “could” survive) or even worse, people complained that they were eating flowers or other plants from graves sometimes, when someone forgot to close the gate. Since these places are fenced off. Probably to keep those “good” memories.

People even talk about that too many dead people cause the water to be toxic. Interestingly public water sources got told to be toxic anyway.

And I mean… I don’t know about what they eat, okay I know, since I also ate a lot of meat (the family traditions, you know) and sometimes still do it, when my mother would throw it away otherwise, so the poor thing would have died all for nothing (in case that even was still meat and not plastic). Once I ate one of these super market puddings and after a few minutes it literally felt and tasted like plastic. Maybe they tried to make people literally “plastic” since we can absorb and adjust ourselves a lot towards “new” environments.

And now something about human(e) ways to end (your) life… eh… other life. I mean, how humans help others to die… No…wait.

(They said animals, you remember? War propaganda telling people that the other side is apes or donkeys?)

Eh…ah right, here I found it, slaughter childr…animals. Animals, I said, animals.

(You sick bastard…)

And now something more realistic.

Bob: Do you know how we ended up here?

Steve: I did nothing to cause this cause.

Bob: Damn right.

Me: I guess I will go to gulag soon…

People: confused