I sometimes, like today, got into a word fight with my mother.

Especially when I try to explain to her that the bible is just a book (collection) and although some of it is useful and might be interesting, it is just a book. Like many others.

She is so obsessed with the end of it, that everything will and has to end in fire and all has to be wiped out and be completely new, that I really don’t know anymore… I get really angry then and she as well, since she has the argument, that on this earth was so much bloodshed, so much injustice and death and all, that this earth should be gone to make a new one. And that she wants to be in heaven rather to stay here forever.

I know why she thinks this way and why it is probably impossible for her (at the moment) to understand that this makes no sense. But it just makes me so damn angry. Sadly I let it out against her then in these pointless word fights, when I try to find arguments and plausible explanations and things, but she thinks that I am in the wrong. Then all is broken again and she thinks that she has no right to be. Which is correct in a way, but not because of me. It is what a lot of people had done to her. (Religion did a lot of damage to her and she also was in a sect whatever which basically was some kind of Stasi experiment in my eyes. Since the leader had microphones everywhere, was making psychological tricks and spread fear and so on. Even telling her that she should not kill herself in their house to not give attention to it and “curse” (or whatever) the others). So I really don’t blame her, she went through enough and a lot already.

It still hurts each time, especially when I know that her arguments don’t really make sense, but are based on the bible and what some people told her.

I mean it is basically as if you tell someone who survived several kinds of sickness, fought in some wars and now finally returned home, that they sadly have to die anyway, but that it is a good thing. I mean WHAT THE HELL (quite literally). Or if you consider earth as a human body, that you should let someone die, while you were about to cure them, since they have to die.

I thought that actually after all what was would should live because of what was and not die and let everything go down, since it is all broken anyway. Shouldn’t we at least try to make it right and see how it goes?

I mean, if it then (what isn’t what I think) the earth should still burn and vanish, who would tell, that the new earth wouldn’t be made out of particles from the old earth? So basically it would then still be the old earth when you think about energy and physics (atoms and smaller / other particles). Then it would actually be way more difficult, painful, pointless, horrible and depressing, if you would first forcefully die or let everything die, only to bring it to life again. Why not just let the things which still live, live and try to let things come back or recover who got lost. And see what comes then and where we might go and what we could do.

But my mother doesn’t understand this, at least it seems that she can’t because some people programmed (or hammered) this nonsense into her head, about that everything has to die anyway.

This kind of thinking additionally made me want to kill myself, since it was only logical in this context, that when everything has to die anyway, that I should die, when I already reached the end of the tunnel. (Because I understood that the life I was meant to live was not mine and pointless and only resulting in death or a lot of pain and suffering anyway.) But according to my parents this was logical in a way, that we should suffer, since it is in the bible. AAAARRRFHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGWGWR

But arguments don’t help in that case because some people told them these lies probably thousands of times until their minds had to give in and accept it. Psychological torture, manipulation and dependencies.

I mean, my father basically hates to go to church, at least he is usually more angry (or at least was whenever I was with him or met him afterwards) and also don’t even really understand, question or believes it. But for him it is important that they “speak good”. Probably the sound of their voice, calm, tiring, talking about the same things over and over again. Wait that sounds like hypnosis. Hmm… must be coincidence like everything in life, am I right? RIGHT?!

The worst part is, that some of the people talking actually are just good people who believe in these things and try to understand the world based on it. But they have high respect of top tier preachers and priest (or whatever), although they might actually be able to see some actual truths.

This afternoon I felt a little low again, but overall still okay. This evening I even played a little music in publc with my music box. Maybe it reached some lost souls out there in the town. My mother was even with me and thought it was calming and beautiful, sitting there, listening to the music (played Beyond: Two Souls Theme and Gronkh’s Endscreen track for it (Pinkzebra: We won’t stop dreaming).

I think it was a piano version, but still.

Then we finished watching the series we started, about “your final hour”.

And she complained about why there were all these scenes with people having sex.

She always had a problem with that and I mean, I can understand it, since that is weird, but yea…

In her case it is even as if she sees the devil or whatever, at least sometimes it seems like it.

And yes, it is weird and was weird and I had to skip them, when possible. For me personally it was more about a form of critique in the film while showing it, but yea…

When it we finished watching, we started to talk about it, since I tried to explain the message(s). But then we ended up talking about “God and the world” (quite literally). Actually happens pretty often, since it is a topic I hate and she can’t escape from, so we end up in it pretty often. If she could just finally stop working and getting all these pointless problems at work, while no one else seems to care, while she has to do or handle all these things, not getting paid enough, while others probably get way more, for doing less (at least when you ask me). I mean she has to use her own car, no one pays for repair, she uses her own phone, no one pays for that and has to drive around each day, since otherwise she couldn’t do her job. But she gets paid something around 1000-1500€ or something. Has sometimes to work on weekends and basically check whether everything is okay. For some people maybe okay, when you call her a “cleaning personal”, but she actually has to do a lot more. And also actually cleans things, so they really look fresh and clean. Even other villages noticed it, since their people don’t clean like this and care about things. She also has to look after things, people don’t listen to her, when she tells them that the heating is broken. That there was dirty water coming out the sick because of something stuck in the pipes. I mean the “so called” professionals just came, looked at it and then went away. Or at best said, that she should just clean the mess. I mean she knows basically more than the whole town administration (in some cases), but yea… Don’t ask her or me what is wrong. …………….

Good get broken, bad get promoted. Always has been. At least in a long time.

Well, or people who know nothing, but believe and trust others also get promoted, so they can be used later without their knowledge maybe. Until they get behind it and then… oopps bank account hacked…. oooppps some photos appeared out of NOWHERE… oooppppss car crash… sadly we couldn’t safe their life, but they were bad people anyway because look what they had on their computer…….. and a few days later everyone forgot about it anyway. Good, because otherwise there would be questions or chaos or OH NO, people would actually understand that they are slaves and others have a funny, sardistic and easy life on their behalf. Oh God no, if that would come out, the people could think that they were betrayed. Luckily this could still be used to get rid of a few people and maybe make some kind of fake revolution like in Russia for example. Then call it a day and make some new people the rightful leaders of a nation. Perfect. Isn’t it?

Oh, you thought I was joking, right?

Sad story bro…. sad story.

Man, I was so angry when I started to write and also almost wanted to ram a knife into my arm or something and now I am even more angry. Great, so this time writing didn’t help.

At least I am angry and want to hurt myself instead of depressed. I guess that is a good thing and luckily I usually can easily withstand the wish to actually physically hurt myself. At least with such radical things, ignoring hunger or thurst is another thing. Or ignoring pain, like usually.

I mean, I also felt good a lot of times and the past days actually I was feeling very stable and good, warm and full of love.

I also usually feel no need for drinking and the water also hurts me. Since it probably has some chlor in it or at least rust from the old pipes. So I can’t drink that much of it. Showering is usually better, but yea…. and the shampoo is really toxic. Each time I think about whether I should take it or not, since I know that I will feel a little dizzy with it and also intoxicated because of it. I really think that filtered water and feeling good (maybe with less hair in some regions) would also erase the need for shampoo (and such things) to make you smell good (or whatever). Since cleaning is actually done through the water and maybe your hands (and additional things like rag/cloth or a brush or something. But yea… we humans are very smart and use chemicals which don’t feel good and might even cause weird reactions. Like tooth paste and such things. But hey, I just say what my stomach, teeth and skin told me. So don’t blame me or call me crazy, ask them. Oh wait, you can’t since you don’t have such things, since you are a robot. Sorry, my bad.

I really wonder how long it took them to get behind the frequencies, the right amount of chemicals and stuff to make this “hypnosis” and illusion the way it is. Almost perfect.

I mean, they had to cut open some people, make sick tests and experiements. Did you know that they even tried to make soap out of jewish people? Like they did with cows or something?

And that they basically used prisoners and such for these things or random children and “unwanted”, unnoticed or “crazy” people? Since they wouldn’t be missed anyway and then at least had a useful purpose. Ignoring that it would be a horrible, slow and diabolic death. But in the name of science or God or whatever, all is legal, good and necessary. Even burning forests and people alive. I mean how else should you know when a human dies from heat? Right?

Or how much electricity is necessary to burn a brain. I mean, if you don’t try it, you never know. Right?

I mean, I wouldn’t even want to know that, since these things shouldn’t even be a thing or considered necessary or needed (or whatever), but hey, some people made a living out of such things. Or a hobby and job.

Or did you think they found out about all these things in peaceful observation? I mean technically it was peaceful and observation from their perspective, but I mean you know what I am talking about. I am sure you also don’t want to end up on a table, being cut open alive, while the doctors say that you are brain dead and the obvious pain reactions are just normal and should be ignored. Seems about right, reminds me of some other things. For example that woman scream (for help) when they get raped because it is fun. Eh … or something like that.

What a wonderful world we live in.

So better burn the whole planet down and maybe the whole solar system with her, in a ultimative nuclear laser war show. Man that must be a great Silvester party, don’t you think? All the screams, explosions, burned flesh and boiling heat, terrified eyes and exploding heads. Wonderful… if I would be one of the people ruling this solar system or whatever. At least I assume this is one of their wild fantasies beside sex and torturing people for fun. I mean, not much else can be going on in them, since most of the things in the world get to these things, well and that they want to live forever like this, since then they could get more of it without doing anything for it. At least that is what they hope, wish and dream of.

Someone recently told my mother that for him it is that the old women die and then God sends down new, young ones.

I think that this man didn’t understand what he said and might not have even known what it meant, since he probably wasn’t a bad guy. At least from what I have heard. But this just is what must be a normal thing. And when the plan should be perfect, there could be a farm for humans. One for workers to do the hard work, one for women and girls, so some people can have endless “fun” or whatever they call it and well probably some backups, so they can live forever. At least in their way of thinking and living. Because they have no idea what real life is or was or should be and how life gets created. They can only alter it or create life based on what they were able to understand from studying a lot (accidentally killing and torturing people and stuff, just normal things).

Sounds a lot like some sci-fi shows I have seen recently. Oh wait… it wasn’t a show?

By the way I am writing to you and try to make you understand how much f***ing MADNESS is in this world and most people walk through it like “Oh look, there is a flower and hey, here is my new iphone, oh great now I can make more selfies”. Sometimes I just don’t know why I still write about it or try to make people wonder. I mean it is basically their death either way. If they find out, they will die, if they don’t find out they will die. And if they fight it they will die as well. So yea.. woooo, what a great future. You can only die no matter what you do, since some people will make sure you will.

I mean Edward Snowden probably only is alive (in case he isn’t actually involved in this) because he didn’t know much. And now you might think: “But he is THE whistleblower. I told the world about what secret agencies do and stuff.” Yea sure, but I mean that was nothing new for me and also not that much actually. I mean, in case he really told the truth and for him it was the way it was said, then okay, I don’t want that he has to die. But I mean, I really think, that in case he would have known or said something actually important or critical, that all evidence would have disappeared, people would have disappeared and no one would have asked much questions. One would have had a tragic accident, someone else probably a long history with depression and then some of the things would be called fake (in case something went out) and the rest destroyed. Easy, clean and nothing new. I mean these people had decades if not centuries to plan, train and try things. Do you really think they would have let him do that thing, if it would have actually hurt them? I mean he didn’t even mention that the U.S. is a national socialistic oriented state which supported and helped with human and animal experiements, helped former nazi doctors and war criminals and instead of stopping, improved their technics and ideas. I mean, I guess “NSA is spying on us and can use drones” was the bigger story… yea… And I mean who can blame him, most people don’t even know that the national socialists were nazis or that they actually won WWII instead of losing it. History these days, people really believe that there is capitalism, communism or freedom. 😀 I mean what the hell, do you even think or are you already a drone?

But when you listen to some scientists then they also say that we can’t think and are only able to make some decisions. But that the universe experiences itself through us and thinks for us (or whatever they tell the kids these days). The sad part is, that some of it is of course partially true, since a little truth is necessary to make a good story. Just the right amount of truth, mixed with a lot of things you want people to believe and you have the perfect propaganda. Oh, you thought we aren’t in an age of Empires and things like propaganda and you can trust your governments since you elected them? What, are you a baby? Well, technically yes, since from childhood on people get hypnotized. First the parents were brainwashed, so they have some form of program. Then the children get partially their program, but obviously don’t like it, so they give them new alternatives and if that doesn’t work some medicine and “therapy” to bring them back on the right track, back in line towards the concentration cam…. I mean “happy, easy, perfect life” never wanted or new they wanted, but can’t wait to have. I wonder why? Maybe because their brains got altered? No way, it must be free will and deciding and thinking for themselves. I mean they even believe they do that these days, funny how all of this worked out.

I still wonder why I am still writing and not long have jumped down a bridge. This way I could have at least tried whether I might actually survive that or if not be able to find a new body or ghost around and stuff. Sometimes I am really at a point when I consider that as the best thing to do or try, since I guess I am only still writing because no one really gets these messages and if so doesn’t understand the actual importance or meaning. Or maybe they are already dead and I am just writing with myself. So they let me live, because my messages are all filtered anyway and don’t reach the public, as usual. Then they would just have to wait until my heart stops beating out of exhaustion or maybe “help” it a little. I gave them a lot information to write hundred possible causes for my disappearance and also to make all I wrote seem like nonsense and the words of a crazy person. So all I lived for was death yet again, like most of the other people (without their knowledge?). I mean I knew that this could happen and mostlikely will happen, so I knew that it was pointless and hopeless. But at least I tried and maybe reach or reached some actual people out there. Hopefully helping them, instead of causing their earlier and more horrible death.

Is it ethical to tell a pig, cow or chicken that they will die anyway or just let them hope until their head rolls or they get an injection? Is it ethical to tell a human that they can live the life of their dreams, although they will die the second they understand everything and try to share it and stop it?

I mean, I am alive and that is in this case bad, since it is paradox in the context that I should be already dead, should this be true. But that is why there is this thing called “ignorance” and passive control. Because when you just ignore someone who has a lot of critical information, the problem hopefully gets rid of itself. I mean they know that my father is on their side. My mother is easy manipulatable (well originally she wasn’t, but now she is), often seems like a little child.

So I am alone. And then they know that I have some psychological weaknesses and trauma and stuff. Then they just have to use some of it here and there and at some point I might be dead. You know, such things happen every day. At least could happen. But most people actually don’t go this far or didn’t go, so they also wouldn’t understand. And the others who maybe did or at least reached a point which made them understand that something was wrong, they try to survive somehow, hoping that things will change. Maybe they try things like I do and hope they will make it. It is really hard to survive in this world with my level of understanding and knowledge. Also knowing that all people who gave me information to think about, could die because of me. Since they might not even know what they are doing in some cases, since their subconsciousness or actual self tries to communicate with others or themselves, but they only made a joke or thought it was funny or confusing. So they might not really know what it is and could go to a therapist or something who would then say, that it must be gas lightning or some kind of illness because it can’t be that cruel people rule this world or they actually manipulate everyone. No, who would do such a thing? I mean, that would mean that they could actually use you as a tool. But everyone knows that humans are no tools.


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