El desorden que dejas

Deine letzte Stunde

The mess you leave behind

Another series which I am watching with my mother and already watched the bigger part. Well, maybe not the best decision, but yea…

But it was still a good idea and decision in my case.

While watching it, I had a memory flash or something. Because it was as if I remembered that I already experienced a glimpse of April this year, when I had this major breakdown / recall thing, after another trauma confrontation.

This “memory flash” or whatever it was, seemed to link this experience with the previous experience I had when I was still in secondary school. Because back then I was still living in the flat, in the town. But it was as if I had seen myself in my grandfather’s house, which made no sense. Since I would obviously not sleep there or live there. Back then my grandfather was still amongst the living and there was also no idea about living in his house or anything. And now it seems that I have probably remembered that I have already seen the future, in the past.

People: You wha…???


The most terrifying part about it was, that I feel completely normal and good about this. As if that is how it is supposed to be. (Nothing new from my side, I assume. ^^)

Well at least it now feels good and seems to make sense, as well as some other dreams and memories of them, which then became more or less reality some months or years later.

Back then I wasn’t able to really share it or also consider it as possible, neither sharing it nor that it actually happened. Well, I think I did see it as possible, but I thought it was only giving me hopeless misery and endless suffering. Since it seemed as if no matter what I would do, I would not be able to change the future.

Sounds weird and completely irrational for some people, since if anything than the past would be unalterable, don’t you think? But yea… relative concepts.

Just in case I was swearing with myself, that I would never build a device or anything to do such things and in case anyone else did or would do, I would try to stop them from doing so. Since an illusion is only as good as those who created it and the believe you have towards it.

I was comparing all what was in my direction environment and also obviously happening around the world. But I wasn’t sure about the additional dimensions (or whatever you want to call them). So I used them, entered them and all, while I didn’t really understand what was happening. Which then again make it possible that it was only partially my doing, since I wasn’t really sure about what I did. It was more of an intuitive reaction and action or some kind of ancester reflex. Maybe something or someone else?

It also could be possible that I not only died in the past, but also the future, so I had to travel back. Which then would explain why I was already grown up (at least partially), while still a child on the other hand. Paradox behavior, confusion, etc.

It would have also explained all the Deja vu experiences, which by the way were said to be “normal”. At least at the age when I first talked about it. But was related to being a teenager, while I had those throughout my whole live, at some points more and sometimes also nothing it seemed, almost forgot about them. Sometimes a whole day felt like a movie scene, like a revisited dream (I never had?).

It wouldn’t matter by the way, since I have found peace with it because I now know, that I have found the source of life. I was probably too busy trying to find a way to alter human behavior, oppression and all on my own. I didn’t consider that I was not alone, as weird as it sounds. Since I felt alone throughout my life, even with friends or people I first thought I could trust.

I was too focused on the patterns, that I got lost in them.

I became the patterns, in a way. But then I probably met someone or some of you. At the end of the world.

Because a lot of the time it happened that I see people, I have never seen or anything, and I feel as if I know them. Happened a lot in recent times again, as well as in the past. Often with people who were unknown to me back then and still are only wage. But for the time we were together, it felt right, like family and friends (or something).

The possibility of other factors was usually keeping me away from any conclusions. Also because anything seemed possible, so it also could have been just a broken mind or just something beyond my understanding or only a misinterpretation.

Either way, I knew, would I open up, I would be taken for crazy.

Like a man who lives in my village (or at least back then, probably still). He once were walking through the village and was yelling “Halleluja! Jesus lebt!” (hallelujah, Jesus lives)

And then he was taken to a mental hospital. Afterwards he was quiet and walked around sometimes. I talked with him when I was a few years old and had some nice conversations. He also had a daughter, a couple of years younger or something. But due to his condition, his wife went away with her. I also don’t know whether he was yelling before or after I was born, but yea… crazy people these days. Even think they have seen a ghost or something.

I almost believed myself that I was Jesus, but luckily I was just a freak, I guess.

Well, at least now I know that not all of what I tried to forget, call a nightmare or pure fantasy or whatever was wrong. Although it also doesn’t mean that I am important. I am just some guy who decided to end his life, then decided to really end it only to end it over and over again, without really dying, I guess.

Or I did but came back or something.

Well, any way, the best things were, when I found others who were at least knowing something related to what I knew. And who might have had similar experiences. But whenever I was not connected with them or at least had some kind of connection, even just a few YouTube videos or something, I was going down.

It was clear that I couldn’t be alone, it simply was too unreal.

This is why at some point I just sent out some signals, hoping for someone to catch them, although I didn’t really believe and think it was even real. I couldn’t trust anything.

My mother once told me a story about a girl. This girl was called dead and was already buried. Then two thiefs / tomb raiders opened the grave (digged it open), since they were searching for treasure. When the one of them opened the grave, the girl woke up and he got a heart attack and died, the other one ran away, I think.

This girl then probably confused got out of the grave and tried to find home or something. When she found it or maybe a house of relative (don’t know exactly), the first thought she was a ghost, but then they all realized she was actually there. So she could live, while she was already buried and called dead and this respectless thief died instead of her. If that isn’t the universe playing out justice, then I don’t know what.

While then on the other hand in my mother’s childhood she had seen and heard a lot of traumatic things. From a man who died hit by a truck, while riding a bicycle with something to prepare his mother for funeral. A woman who killed her children and herself. A child which fell into a contruction side and got accidentally buried by a digger (machine), I think it was even the father of the child and then tried to dig it out again, but already too late. And a lot of other things.

Then in my childhood, the father of a girl in the village (elementary school time) killed himself. I even imagined it and was terrified, I think he bleed to death. My grandfather died when I was 5, the other one wanted to shoot himself. Some cars were chasing me at night. I had this stick incident, when I accidentally hit a friend with a stick right into the eye. Then he started to fight me and then I had problems with him, although before we were even playing video games, he showed and helped me with learning to use inliners (or how they are called), shoes with rolls / wheels in a line, I think three or four and someting to brake and slow donw a little on one of them. My father hit my back head against a table, was beating up my mother many times, having man fights with her and also doing that to me. Other people in the village killed themselves. Children in school were also having problems with their parents and also themselves. I only found shelter in some games, some TV shows and my dreams sometimes, in which I could fly and do all kinds of things. But sometimes I also had the same dreams again multiple times. For example one of them or at least a small part, in which my model train was driving over the big long branch of the tree in my fathers garden, he now cut down this year. There were no tracks and the train was moving along it going round it, while moving towards the end or something. This dream was weird and actually terrifies me a little. I was actually sleeping on this branch when I was little, a long and stable branch, only ~1,5 meters above the ground and probably ~4-5 meters long. I felt safe on it and although it wasn’t that big in width, I slept on it quiet and peaceful. It was maybe ~30cm in width (diameter?). My mother once got off the road and hit a street pole thingy, luckily, otherwise it would have been a several meter downfall into trees and whatelse. I usually stayed awake, since I had the feeling that I have to be awake and protect her. So I was tired and unsure, but asked her before I closed my eyes, whether I can sleep a little. She of course agreed, but soon after the crash happened. My father was actually with us in the car, but he usually made my mother either more nervous, tired and hurt, so yea… after that I just paid even more attention to things and didn’t allow myself to sleep. So my whole life is the pure trauma and horror, in case yours wasn’t, which would be great. You also start to rationalize things and compare them and relate things, so it makes sense. Sometimes I thought I deserved all this. Then I thought that I was doomed. Then I thought that it will never stop or that I had to stay awake and do something, not knowing what, always feeling I was failing and doing more trouble than good. I mean I could only get quiet and broken. A wonder that I am alive actually and even a bigger wonder that I found love towards life and people, even those who hurt me. Although I still can’t risk contact with them and only as limited as possible, when possible. Otherwise I will probably have to give some people nightmares again and also break the universe for some hours maybe. (just normal things which happen around me, you know)

The good thing is, that it is also possible that I can give others good dreams or at least some good feelings it seems. When they haven’t hurt me or if so not intentional, so it wasn’t their fault and usually nothing big. A small thing like hitting your legs or arm somewhere compared to my life experience, or should I say hell experience?

Which by the way is sometimes coming back and never really left me, but at least now I reached a point where it isn’t important anymore. Because I am free in a way. I can technically still not really live and are able to die, but now with these people out there, there is a lot of hope and love. Hopefully I helped more than I broke. If I would only know for sure, that so far I only messed with myself and didn’t harm anyone beyond the obvious and expected, I would feel better. In a way I do know that it couldn’t have been and that I probably did more good than bad, but what does it matter.

If I would be killed, I will always come back, probably stronger.

If others will die, they will hopefully be safe in the others hearts.

So when you kill them or me, you only kill yourself.

Someone who would try to kill me or harm anyone with similar abilities, they would be foolish. Because it would be their death. Those who get killed or died because they couldn’t do it anymore, I believe they are safe somewhere, since the world turned hate towards them, while they didn’t deserve it. So when they really should try to get rid of us all, they would only stay alone with their miserable nothing. Looking right into their death because all they did to us, will be their price to pay and maybe even more, since even the thought is already the act. At least according to the bible. So yea… I bet some people will have good dreams. Those people who are anxious and feel guilty about all they did wrong and might be trapped for some reasons, they will be safed and hopefully helped at some point. Sadly I don’t know enough, so I can only hope and wish. But the ones who caused all this and just won’t stop doing what they do, they will have to suffer all they have done to us. If they would simply accept, that their time is over, no matter how hard they try, we could end this peacefully. But since the universe quite literally is surrounding them and maybe already have, they should better surrender, as long as they still can. It would of course still mean that there would be time needed, help for their recovery from hate towards true love and such things, but it could be possible. And to make it clear, there would be no justice, if they would be killed. Since then it would only continue, this hateful ways. We are better than this. It might be enough of justice if they would relive all what they have done, maybe from the other side. Some tears in deep sorrow. The lives of those who died, so many died… living in our dreams, our hearts, memory and maybe somewhere else. I don’t know how it works and all is. And again, if you can’t forgive the devil, then you can’t forgive. Life can come back, but hell and hate shall perish.

Sadly I don’t make the rules I guess, but also luckily, otherwise I would be completely lost. Maybe sounds paradox, since then I could just change things for the better, but I tried, wished, hoped, imagined, I couldn’t. So it actually was clear that there was more and not all up to me. But once in the guilt trap (from childhood on), it is as if it always has to be this way. As if no matter what I do will break everything, while all I wanted were actual friends, a free life to live, happiness, love and wonderful things to see, do and enjoy. And if it would just be to look at the sunset, the stars or water for some time. Better than spinning around, getting tired, sick and dead. Don’t you think?

When I look at my life, I really often don’t know when I filled a blank with something, where I actually experienced something or just assumed it. Usually when I feel safe and love and connection with others, I see clearer and also can accept things which seemed impossible or totally freaking me out at other points or times. This is why I can only stay when this increases now, instead of decreasing again.

So far it felt good and seemed to be good. And I believing in you out there, you made me write all these things here and do what I did this year, at least the good things.

I hope we make it and try to stay alive, I guess i can’t do much more, can I? I mean of course there can always be done something, but I mean with my condition. Because I still think that I might die in a few months or even earlier. Whatever that means, but I would not be here. And since I now know that there is hope here, I don’t want to die anymore. I feel this love and try to give it. I just still have this burning pain and ice cold feet from time to time and I can’t do too many things at once, while I also don’t know where and when and what.

You know, I have learned that often people who worry a lot, try to help others and are good-hearted (and such things), that they die young. Because they are under constant stress or anxiety and such things, making the body work on more than 100% which then of course breaks it (fast). Considering that I was probably a lot of the time in this mode or beyond, since I already burned out sometimes, and I am still here, is really strange. I am not sure what the doctors would say, but I know that my heart won’t survive all of this madness in the world. I also can’t “tap out” again, because if I would do it now, then I am dead for sure. Because it keeps me alive, while it also hurts and consumes me in a way. But would I just ignore it all again to try to think about my life (which is done and useless this way anyway), I should have died last year or whatever. My life isn’t a life any way, when the world should continue as it was. So I can more or less only continue with this. Maybe being a little dot in the big everything, but what does it matter, if I would know that then the future might be bright for others and maybe myself, although I probably won’t make it, that is more than enough. Or as a teacher once mentioned, that the triangle in the music piece was important, although it only was hit a few times, giving a few sounds. Or something like that.

I don’t want to die anymore. But I would, should it be for good.

And I want to live, I usually was okay with not having much, when I wasn’t trying to forget the pointless seeming life, each time I figured out that it was (kinda) controlled by others. I am minimalist by heart, although for me this doesn’t mean, that I would limit my life. Just the things I would need for it. Imagination is a wonderful thing and friends can be as well. (Says the one who usually had only friendships in which he couldn’t really open up nor felt okay with everything, but was too scared to say anything).

And please, I am a very messed up being, so don’t let yourself be dragged away from the confusion and madness or weird stuff you might not understand or which could also be not true or misleading (or whatever) in some cases. I was usually not sure and safe and could trust someone to the core, not myself, not my parents or anyone. I still often can’t trust things and have good reasons like some of you also know.

I hope one day we can hug each other or just see each other face to face or something and cry and laugh and feel good about being alive and having each other.

This moment when the 1-2 months in the clinic 5 years ago were over and most of the people in the group were either crying or sad in some way about leaving each other. This kind of thing is what I imagine, although in the opposite direction. A reunion of friends and family. With or without me, I might always be there in some way.

I just want to live… 😦

Some people here: You don’t say… DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT WE WENT THROUGH!?!? You little peasant… Don’t think you did anything or know anything or felt what we felt or are worthy or anything. How dare you! You are all broken, irritating, sick and also a leak in our perfect plan.

Sorry… I just tried to give some hope in dark times, while trying to also find myself.

Some people: Couldn’t have found a better timing, now grab your ladder and run towards the wall, so we don’t have to.

Eh… okay… I guess. Are you sure?


Ladderman it is, I guess. (turns into Stronghold ladder carrier guy and runs towards the enemy walls like an idiot, only to get shot in the knee with an arrow and then runs away like the little child he was. Obviously forgetting the ladder and the whole mission) And everyone died. Or didn’t they?

Dam dam dam…. 😀

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