We have our way(s)

Our different paths make us who we are and also make us stronger together.

And together we would never have a boring day or night.

So many things we haven’t seen, haven’t tried.

I have never seen the world, not really.

Only a few places nearby, through school, some relatives or a friend.

Have seen most of it only through TV (and such), videos others made, stories and my dreams.

And not to forget what we could find and how much fun it all would be, could be?

Both strong and kind. Both child and adult. Both sun and moon, in a way.

I don’t know for sure what there might been in the near future, but I know what could be.

One thing is for sure, I would never run out of friends with all of you.

Would never run out of love and always see things from a different view.

We will live and we have life.

It is only a fearful thing because we were told that we should fear, that we should be thankful for the nothing we got. Turned into nothing by men and those who were machines, without a heart.

But when we were born, no matter whether we were clones or born through some force called love or nature, we were given life, hope, love and joy. At least it was meant for us to have it, get it and maybe give it.

Do you know, that I sometimes thought, that it is a scary thing to say that we are flowers which blossom a short time and then die.

So I thought, that actually when I remember correct, most plants never really die.

As long as their roots, their seed or core is still in the earth or wherever they might grow, they can come back.

There was a story about a man who was a drinker (alcohol) and also might not have been the kindest.

When he died, the priest said about him, that his soul was lost as dead as the tree (don’t remember where the tree was, at the church or near the grave or something, but it was an old and lifeless tree).

A little while later surprisingly this long forgotten, old dead tree got new leafes and started to get some life back. Then the priest was so confused, that he went to the wife of the dead man. He asked her what had happened to her husband and whether there is something which he didn’t knew. Since the priest was sure, when he said what he said. Then the dead man’s wife told the priest that before his death her husband changed and found peace (it was a little different but something like that). And since the priest said that his soul was as dead (or lost) as the dead seemed tree, the tree came to life again, to show that the man wasn’t lost. I don’t know about the story, but it was a good story in a way, besides the religious background.

And for me it was, that I thought, why can’t such things happen before someone has to die or instead of it?

We should also be able to see ourselves as able to shine and blossom when we want, when it feels good and also that we can sleep or just relax for a while without needing to shine. Coming back again.

Maybe even giving life to more and for sure spreading love and warmth.

I am scared because I have seen more than a human should see.

The good things were never the problem and thankfully through things like the Stargate TV show or Detective Conan and all these things, I was able to find my way “back home”, back to all of you out there.

Otherwise I would have not survived or been able to make it.

I first learned about things in a calm and relaxing way, felt good about them because I felt truth within them, friendship and love. As if it approved my existence and was telling me, that everything will be alright.

But the older I got, the more broken I got, the less sure I was about anything.

Do you know what?

When I got Internet, my favorite TV show, Stargate got cancelled, stopped.

In a way all these things reflect the way I felt and developed. Either because I was feeding them or they were feeding me or both a little.

And the more I tried to avoid it because I saw that I wasn’t meant to live, at least from what the world around me made me believe, the more I closed up, hated myself, made myself hate myself and also forget about all these good things I never wanted to end.

I could have watched many more seasons of Stargate and other shows and probably should have.

This year I always try to tell myself, that it wasn’t my fault, that I didn’t cause these things. Since I really didn’t want all this pain and suffering. But I should have been stronger… it just seemed out of hands, impossible.

I gave the cold shoulder, when I should have opened my arms even more.

I blamed myself, when I should have stood up anyway and speak what was wrong.

Feeling like mad, like stupid, like crazy, when all I was was natural, back then, confused about myself, about the world, how broken it was. Giving myself the blame, that I could change it, that I was weak, that I was not good.

Oh, if I just didn’t make myself so bad inside myself… if I just wouldn’t have consumed all this madness.

But I guess, even if I would have known, that it would not kill me, now I probably think, it was necessary anyway. In my case, to live, in your case, to hopefully not go through this or to have someone who might have words describing what you feel.

All these broken things, now they made me very strong on one side, but also very lonely and anxious from time to time, since I fear to break people (more than they might already be) or that others might just hurt me in another form now. As if it has to be. Death, demons, the devil, the night, a black hole. They didn’t scare me as much, as the denial of my existence. If the price for life would be to jump down a building a million times, while each time would be like the first, I would do it. But this is the thing, it was and is always love, not death.

And I knew that, basically the second you are, you are and then you can be. All you need is keep your love, spread it and have some friends. Things we actually want. So there is actually only what we really want as price for life, since there is no price for it. When others deny us this freedom, they kill us. Either willingly or passively out of ignorance, fear or diabolic joy (or whatever).

You know, that actually right now, it doesn’t matter all that much whether you are an empath or not. Whether you are introvert or extrovert or ambivert or whatever there is or however you see it, feel it.

Because for me it is possible that the dark side and the bright side come together to an actual peace. Meaning, that those who think they are dark or evil or might have acted this way, see the love of the bright side, that the bright side, the innocent empathic people or children who still wish to live and dream, that they love them and want to help them with whatever happened to them and themselves maybe.

And should there then still be some people or beings or whatever machines, who want to make us hate each other, then we could show them what real love is.

Because when I look around I see many colors, many things, although a lot of it got removed, altered and such. Where I live there are still plants and animals, although not as free as I would wish them to be. And recently they have cut down a lot of trees again, a lot of them, I didn’t want to see all these cut down trees… like a mass grave piled up next to the street. Seemed like hundreds…

I don’t know what I can do, what I think I can do or what I have to do.

But should there be any other way, that sacrificing myself, than doing really crazy things or trying to do even more of what I already did, then please, do it, please. I don’t want to break a hole into the earth, don’t want to break a hole or more into the universe, don’t want to make everyone scream for their lives because I couldn’t hold myself back. Please…. I don’t know what I can and can’t do, I just know that I can do more than others think is possible. Way more… it scared me because I felt so alone with it, as if I broke something or had to fix everything alone. I am broken and was really broken and helping others to break me… but this world, this world is another thing.

I wanted to rip everyones head off who tries to hurt the children and all who already suffered enough.

I wanted to shake them around like a dog in his mouth or a dragon.

I wanted to send down lightning and fire to burn their bodies, to destroy their buildings.

But what would it help and then, is this really me?

I never wanted to be like that.

If even, I wanted to be a light and warm heart in dark winter days.

Wanted to do things with others, travel the world, travel the universe maybe, who knows.

And see all the life on earth which was and should and could be again.

And some people said, that earth was coming a few centimeters (or something) nearer to the sun each year, at least I heard that some years ago. But maybe it was just a trial to wake some people up or to make the wonder.

I think in my case, it was one of the things which was supporting my trauma. Since it added up to the pointless feeling of existnece. But maybe the earth is not “falling” into the sun or even if so, it might be able to “swim away” again? 😀

Hey, I mean, come on, why not?

It is better to see it this way, than to let some people tell you what is and what isn’t.

I also think that since I am trapped in my half-male (or whatever) state, that I am dangerous. Not only for myself but others. Not meaning that this has to do something with being a man or not, but that in my case it was all together so much trauma, combined with super natural phenomena, that me having a mental break down, might actually influence the whole universe or at least some people near me.

Even if not, I would preffer to fully heal or first get comfortable with myself or find ways to feel somewhat safe. Before I break everything with me. I know that for you it might sound either funny, like complete nonsense or whatever. I know… trust me … I know why I haven’t opened up until this year and partially last year.

I know why I wanted to die and sadly often still think, that even when I want to live, that I am meant to die. As if it is a rule, law or my fate or whatever. As if I was sent here to die and maybe die again and again.

I know I wasn’t, I know that I shouldn’t be dead and you neither should be. And I don’t know for sure about those who died and all. But I have what I feel and that I am open and also willing to find ways and all.

I would hold hands with a lost soul of someone who died, but wanders around as a ghost or something.

I would probably first be a little scared, depending on how it might happen, but I would be willing to be there for them.

During some of my nightly walks through the forest I even felt as if I wasn’t walking alone.

As if there were foot steps behind or next to mine. Even as if an army of lost souls were walking with me, although I was alone. Wouldn’t wonder me, if that actually happened and I didn’t just thought or imagined in a way.

It would all be less traumatic, scary and painful for me, if I would just know for sure that I am not the only one. And in a way I always knew, but I couldn’t trust it, since I was not able to trust myself, after what others convinced me of and what happened.

I even tried many times to convince myself that it is impssible that I am alone, but it didn’t help.

As weird as it sounds…

Even if I should actually be the most powerful being on planet earth (right now), I would probably not want to risk letting out my power. Either because it could turn out to be not working, as not existing or actually working and then destroying more or doing what I didn’t want. Like a small rain cloud which all of a sudden turns into a tornado and not long after is as big as a town, sucking up houses and cars and people. Growing and growing and growing, until there would only be an empty desert or just another garbage place.

I don’t want to risk anything, until I am not sure that there might not be another way than to risk losing myself and maybe destroy what I wanted to protect. Like in a final act to try to catch a girl walking over the street while a big truck approaches. And instead of saving her, I would push he accidentally in front of another car, while I would be hit by the truck. Leaving us both dead on the street or wouldn’t we be?

I could only hope that it would only be a hundred broken bones or who knows.

I don’t want to risk it. I don’t want to. I don’t want until I can be sure that I am not breaking more than there already is broken.

If some people would not want all for themselves, this wouldn’t have happened. But since it was this way, I hope I don’t mess everything up. Maybe a plan of others or I don’t know.

I am usually good at that, whenever I try to be real and honest or just show my vulnerabilities and what happened to me or what was in my mind and sometimes still is.

Some people might be willing to get violent, I could get violent, but only against what already was wrong.

I have to stop writing now, my belly feels like and oven and as if it is filled with acid. Probably the too many biscuits with sugar I ate. Those I baked with my mother today. At least something good and motivating, although the sugar is hurting me. At least it tastes better than despair.

Okay, I have to write this.

When I was little, one of my grand mothers was getting blind and at some point probably could only see a few forms or only dark and light, if even and also wasn’t in general very sad and hopeless. When my mother was still new “in the family”, since this grand mother was my father’s mother, she was not welcome. My father’s grandmother was very jealous of her and although she thought that her son couldn’t get a wife, she had asked around whether someone couldn’t find him one (as if it works this way). While according to himself, he had praid ten years of whatever. Only to end up writing at least a hand full of woman even at the same time. And in a way as if it didn’t matter who they are and all, just that they marry him. Couldn’t be fast enough. Since when my mother met him, he was still writing with another one and then kinda waited who would accept first. But that was another chapter…

So yea.. at first his mother then was jealous about my mother, while my mother had to later help her. And in the end, when this grandmother was blind and helpless for the most part, she cried sometimes and even thanked my mother for being there and was sorry. Although she couldn’t do much anymore, it was clear that she was. My mother hopes that she is in heaven or can rest in peace, as well as my grandfather.

When I was little I sometimes imagine how it must be to be blind and so I sometimes walked around the house with closed eyes. Had to use my hands and ears to navigate. It was a strange feeling and back then, I hope to not get blind, but at least wanted to “try it” before it might actually happen and I was unprepared.

When my other grand mother was visiting us once (when my mother and I think one of my cousins made it possible somehow), this grand mother, my mother’s mother, need a wheel chair for the most part.

So while she was not needing it because she was inside sitting and talking or whatever, I was borrowing the wheel chair. I wanted to know how it must feel and be to not be able to walk. I placed my feet on the metal plates and sat down. Feeling like a car racer or as if I was in a space ship or whatever. It felt cool in a way. And then I moved the wheels with my hands. I tried it backwards and forwards and also tried to move up and down the uneven walk way next to the house and even tried to move up the kerbstone, which was between the road and the path next to the house. All without using my feet or at least trying to “disable” them as best as possible. Otherwise I wouldn’t have know whether I would be able to make it without my feet. But it worked and after that day I felt great because I not only worked out my arms and hands, but also knew that I was able to survive in a wheel chair. At least for the moving part. 🙂 Hoping to not really have to need this experience in an actual way.

I did a lot of these things back when I was little or younger. Also tried to survive with limited oxygen and such things, since I thought “you never know” and better do it in a safe and free, willingly way, instead of a surprisingly unwanted actual thing.

After I lost the fear of (deep) water, I also tried it with diving and holding breath and such things.

It was challenging and amazing and fun. Also tried to get over my problems with jumping into the water arms and head first, like a delphine or whatever. I guess I still would have problems with it. Usually in a reflex after I would jump I would put my legs near me again and then end up falling on my belly or ass or whatever. In school I often hurt my belly I guess or got water in my lungs because of it, but I had to jump into the water and swim like the others or at least it was expected and I couldn’t speak.

When I doing it alone, without pressure or maybe even with a friend, I think when I remember correct, I even was able to jump in perfect and felt even great that I accomplished it. But in school I failed at it again.

And in public it also felt more and more weird, so I didn’t do it anymore for the most part and now I wasn’t swimming in years.

I think the last time was with a few people in the TG (technical highschool), but also not much.

I only know that in the clinic 5 years ago I was feeling good about myself and with the others and so I was diving two lines in a row, while they weren’t able to dive one I think. Not to be better or anything, I just wanted to proof to myself that I could do this. And since I couldn’t in school, with them I could.

And I think they were surprised and I was as well.

It felt good and I knew that I could stop at any moment, so I didn’t have to do it, unlike in school.

This year I remembered some of it, although I am not sure whether I remmembered the wheel chair experience like this, if even. And some of the other things I mentioned.

And I faced the fear of darkness on my own, the fear of death again, at least to a point most people don’t even want to think or hear about nor know about, it seems. I also walked through a dark forest without light, with closed eyes. Was walking through the town with music playing in my backpack, even my own music, while I was even noticed by someone, but passed by being scared, not knowing whether they were happy to see me or making fun of me or I don’t know.

I also met wild animals and even was (more or less) surrounded by a group of foxes, although I didn’t see them, but heard their sounds all around me. Probably warning each other. But they didn’t do anything. Probably as scared as I was or unsure this first time.

It is so weird that I am still feeling so wrong and broken and all, although I am actually very strong and not that broken anymore. But still scared to break something because of this strength.

And yeah, well I also survived that “pancreas devouring itself” thing with my gall stone Silvester incident few years ago. With having that thing going on for several years coming and going and then this time it was probably too much for the body, so I was fighting with that thing 2 days until my mother couldn’t look at it anymore, while she would have went to the doctor with me the first day. I mean that was also a near death thing. I mean just imagine that, the body devouring itself for several days and I just dealt with it, in a way. While I could keep anything inside for two days, but then could still stand and barely walk when in hospital. While I was not only dehydraded and almost died… But yea.. not taken serious and I could talk. Nothing new back then.

If someone would want to cut off a finger, I would probably say: “Well then do it, I will grow a new one.”

And maybe wouldn’t even be joking. I am really at such a point or beyond actually. Although I personally still don’t want to experience that or have to deal with that. But since I survived this other shit… having blue, yello, green shit for 1-2 weeks afterwards and being exhausted for so many reasons. At least I was neither at home, nor at work and could sleep all day long in a hospital bed.

Okay, we are not going into the hospital fantasy again.

Although I also have met or seen some lovely people there and hope they are alright, especially in these times.

Thanks for going through this (or again) with some of these things.

And as always, thanks for being here. You can’t imagine how thankful I am for having people out there who at least want to know what is going on inside me and maybe around me. Love you, I really do, although some of my love might be broken. Take the one from my heart, not from the images in my head. ❤

I still have to finish this season, by any means, but in a good way. 🙂

X: John, are you the universe?

Me: I don’t know.

X: And then who are you?

Me: I am not only John, that’s for sure.

X: What does this mean?

Me: Would I just know that for sure, it would make everything easier.

X: But it is good that you are here.

Me: I hope we won’t regret it. Won’t regret me… my existence.

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