Being a(n) (female?) (d\o\ub/triple?) agent(?)

I am not talking about the thing you see in movies and also nothing which actually has to be this way, more something which could be this way and also seemed like an interesting thing to think about.

So read it with caution and keeping in mind, that it is a story and me trying to make sense of things or finding other explanations. More or less science fiction, I guess. ^^

When you find yourself dead, after you tried to win against an enemy who seems undefeatable, what do you do?

In video games, you usually respawn, when the game allows it or restart the game or something.

But what about the life we have, the world and universe we have (in our hands)?

When I was still in my mother’s belly / bulge, I already was a fighter.

My mother told me, that one time I was kicking against her stomach (or something), so she had to throw up.

Maybe I didn’t like the food or mood or whatever, I don’t know. 😀

I had no siblings, while I actually wished for some, at least one.

I sometimes told that my mother when I was younger, but I knew it wasn’t her fault.

She actually wanted two children, at least two.

First she wanted a boy and then a girl, although she probably wouldn’t have had anything against something else, different order or twins or whatever. But this was what she thought of back then.

But after I was born, I guess, if not before, it was clear that there wouldn’t be another child.

My father’s mother didn’t want anymore and so he also didn’t want more. And after all what was, my mother also thought, that it probably was better this way, since it was easier to protect and run away with one child instead of two or more.

Oh and in case you wonder why it was relevant what my one grand mother thought about my mother getting children, well, yea… probably jealousy and such things. Since she also only had one child, my dad and also wanted a daughter. Although she wanted a daughter to dress her (like a doll or whatever). Broken family…

They all went through a lot of weirdness and madness… but through my mother they changed and also through me. Getting feelings they haven’t felt before or in a long time.

Because of that, I probably must have develop both and therefor was my own sibling, in a way, since I didn’t get a sister. So I became my own sister and brother. Somewhat sharing one body.

Something like Beyond: Two souls.

I also wrote about it before.

But no, I was not with the CIA or anything, at least not in this life, if anything before.

It was more like a self-developing thing, through others and my ability to understand and explore things real quick and that I was originally very strong.

When you consider that a species (already experienced with mice or rats) can transfer learned knowledge between each other wirelessly (or however) in a subconscious (or sometimes maybe also conscious) way, I might really be a trained agent. Although I was fighting my own wars so far and followed own paths, to get to the important things again, give life and freedom to those who never got it, but deserve it and were waiting for generations after generations, hoping, dying and dreaming.

All human knowledge combined in one human (or a link or something towards them) might be a natural reaction and the result of high injustice. It would also follow the statement, that nothing is lost (physics law).

So I might only have my “bloodline” ancestors knowledge or wisdom and experience, but also some or all of all humanity. But since it would be a very bad “backup” or “security” system, if only one human would get this, this might be a wide-spread phenomena. At least could have been all the time since the problem started and also always will come back, since it is a natural thing and nothing controllable.

In nature it would actually be a good thing, would offer harmony, solve a lot of problems and support us, would we use it or let it be in a good way.

Now my role.

When I was a child, I was already grown up or maybe even when I wasn’t even born. Not in a “I know all details, all data” kind of way nor “I can now do everything”, but more than a usual child was considered capable of and also shouldn’t have to do and deal with.

This could be due to the possibility that I not only was the child of parents who were already around 40, but also that they had strong abilities and different fields. My mother being a good-hearted fighter personality. Often defending the weak and also being more innocent and nature loving. And my father being a probably more artistic gifted man with high intelligence and psychological skills in manipulation. And also strong, when he is angry.

When you then also consider that there is communication between humans and other life beyond words and such things and that my parents experiences were getting part of me, it was clear that I wouldn’t be a normal child.

I also had a high voice, high imagination and love and interest towards others, before I broke (completely).

A possibility: When you know that you actually would want to be a girl, while you don’t even know what that means (for the rest of the world), but see that it would be tactically smarter to become a man, then you get something like me.

Because the mostly male or fear oriented world, is usually just paying attention towards with the two eyes and basic senses visible and measureable things. Other things are either unknown to them, scare them or simply “can’t exist” in their world or illusion of it.

So knowing by heart, that I would stay true towards my mission, but had to be seen as something others needed to see as something different, was a way to get what was needed for change.

Not to forget about the clownfish and that a baby actually always has both possibilites and that some simply don’t decide. And that it is actually more natural to be female (from my perspectives).

But because I also had to study the problem, I had to reproduce the problem.

Like with a bug / problem in programming, when for someone it doesn’t work, while for others it did or does, so you have to find a way to reproduce it, to test it and then usually find a solution (when you found the reason for the problem).

Of course that is problematic.

So it might make sense, that I was maybe not alone in this, but had to feel alone, to study it and also support the cure and such things.

I described this as a prison for my soul.

While my soul was female, but the other half was male.

So in a way I let the primary characteristic of my body and expectation play out, while protecting myself, while watching what happens, to do something, in case the “experiment” should get out of hands or reach the point of a critical state.

(Again, this is a possibility and what could have happened in a way, but doesn’t have to be. Giving myself an epic story to explain my broken and traumatic life.)

Okay, so sometimes the feelings did overwhelm me, both negative as positive ones.

Usually for a child that is (considered) normal and actually might be in a way, although some experiences should usually teach them that some things are not worth it.

But since I was not sent as a child, but an agent, I had to eliminate these feelings, which then lead to me making myself cold. Or at least I tried to. Partially for the experiement, since that was part of the mission, partially because it was also giving me trouble.

I basically had to eliminate all typical child or normal human behavior.

I also had to observe my surroundings (people, culture, etc.) to mimic it in a good way. I often collected behavior of others to maybe later use it or try to mimic similar behavior, to no be obvious.

Sometimes I also had to “disarm”, since it was getting too strong and the connection was about to damage the experiement. Which then lead to some necessary tactical retreats and also making the body and myself more broken. Because it was not meant for this kind of thing and usually wouldn’t have had to go through it. Since we had to find a solution for this hatred problem and also how to help and support others, it was very difficult.

Because it was important to keep quiet about the mission, play a role and also decide between steps in the mission, for the role(s) and also handle possible unexpected events. Luckily the big events were expected and calculated (predictable), since a machine is limited to patterns and also specific structures. So it was at least something to work with.

Sadly the experiement sometimes noticed the problem I was working on and so there was a connection, which then a few times was leading to some kind of overload or meltdown.

It was dangerous and also complicated to deal with it. Since it was necessary to (at best) either limit the knowledge and understand or give it something which would trick the mind into associating the mission or possible conclusions with things like video games or movies.

A problem with that was, that it was of course also possible to link things together, which now happened, but might actually be good now. Back then, it wasn’t that good, since it would have lead to possible arrest, getting compromised or taken down. This is why it was necessary to deactivate the ability to speak or share knowledge about the mission or possible links. Sometimes it still happened, so a hiding reflex was helpful.

The worst part about this is, that at some point it is just necessary for a human to have interaction with other, communication in some form and feel loved. So it broke my heart in several ways, but it had to be done.

And it was always a controlled experiment, so should it have gone into a very critical direction I was able to either send others (make them visible for me) to calm this one down or find other ways.

Since the experiment with the male problem was also just a “side-project”, the actual problem was with the global situation. So far it was considered to be taking a few more years, so I could have maybe finished this experiement first and then stop it in a peaceful way, with giving the original feelings and freedom back. Then it also would have been useful and normal and needed, since then it would have been ready.

Sadly the female sector got compromised and partially corrupted through partially unexpected things and the enemy discovered that there was something going on. Partially it might have been my fault, since I could hold the stress level of this human anymore. Would have died otherwise and almost died as a reaction of the whole (too early and unsecure/unhealthy) realization process. So the situation we have now might have been caused by this or at least had a role in it. Since the test-subject was connected sometimes and this way gained knowledge about these things. All these connections and crossing lines and problems… man…

Well, so I had to find a way to safe all of them and also safe this one, since leaving someone completely alone is only a thing of sardistic and cruel people. Or letting someone deal with such terrible things on their own. I did my best, but had to trigger the growth process, since the other experiences where partially misinterpreted transmissions. So it wasn’t possible for the human to actually have the power or knowledge accessed which lead to additional trauma and problems. The actual human stayed a child, which was also intentional, since it was not able to develop on itself. Only an experiment, thinking it did or does.

At the end it would have gotten the life back and be able to learn in a peaceful, happy and healthy normal way, like it was supposed to be. Maybe with or without the additional knowledge.

But since this is a war and now it wasn’t time anymore for all of this, I had to activate him/her.

Almost broke a few things and hopefully didn’t cause too much damage.

Something had to be done.

Although the current condition might lead to a possible death, due to too much information, connection or energy consumption and all these traumatic, untreated left-over problems, maybe we can safe all of them.

At least it is okay for him/her to die, if there is no way to safe.

The main goal was to safe everyone, which still is hoped for and possible, but “everyone” is a relative thing.

Those who want to, who had either nothing to do it originally or decided to help in the cause.

But the life of those who have nothing to do with it or are part of it without their knowledge, is important and should have always been prioritized.

Becaues it is important to safe life as best as possible and do everything in one’s power with best knowledge and by best conscience based on it.

Even if the experiement is willing to be sacrificed for the greater good, it should be still tried to safe it, when possible. And safe the patient, therefor.

In this case, the patient was knowing about the experiement before the experiement and also was presented and shown about possible consequences, outcomes and wishes. And that they could not make it. Since there also wasn’t much else they could have done, there was an agreement.

For this purpose the actual age, level of understanding and knowledge had to be altered, modified and changed several times. Otherwise it wouldn’t have been possible and ethical to come to such an agreement and be able to (more or less) safely follow the protocol and experiement. It was necessary to stabilize several times, retry and also deal with other factors.

Since the experiment was not fully finished and had to be stopped in a harsh way, there might be still some work to do. Luckily it was possible to stabilize the patient / experiment in a way, so it was safe to leave it alone for some time. Which was necessary to activate and stabilize others and help other agents.

Now it might be, that some of them already found each other, while others might still be fighting on their own or don’t even know they are.

I hope we can do this, but I did set a few backups, like this one. In case our global challenge fails, we could start again. But so far I have seen a lot of good signals here and there around the globe and we actually have a chance. The war was getting tougher than expected and also sooner, but since we are good in improvising, since it is a human and universal strength and ability, we should make it. In some cases maybe even in a playful way.


P.S.: Don’t give up and lose hope, we are in this together and always will be! Meeting when the war is won or some battles might be fought together. Although this one here, might probably be only acting from a distant for now, or only doing things on their own. Stay safe folks, the day is ours and the night our safe roam.

Either way, thanks for reading this possible explanation of a life. 🙂 💜

Don’t believe everything you read, hear or see. But listen to your heart.

Maybe sometimes words then change their meaning or you see and hear what others don’t even know about.

We are together in this life and I am hoping for good, fantastic and unimagibly beautiful days and a bright future. Thank you that you are here!!! ❤ ❤ ❤


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