Not in prison!

Why am I not in prison? In a way I feel this way, but many people like Nasrin Sotoudeh are actually in a prison. And often in prisons which aren’t in any way humane nor do all people in there deserve to be in there.

So I ask myself again: Why am I not in prison?

Because if I could, I would say, change me in!

But then I would have to first make some noise, I guess. And actually I would feel more comfortable outside of prison and this feeling to be in one each day of my life.

As always, there are a lot of people who deserve to be free, who were fighting, not like me, hiding…

Whole nations / countries get destroyed.

People like the Uighurs are getting locked away, killed and tortured (psychological torture is also torture often even worse), but no torture is good and reasonable nor acceptable.

People in Africa get robbed their water and lands.

People get told to work, work and die around the world.

And these people are still trying their best to survive.

It doesn’t matter what nationality, culture or whatever. If there are problems, we should find better ways, than this.

Of course there are things wrong everywhere, sadly.

I am ashamed to take words into my mouth or write something.

I hate most of what I am, I hate that I helped others to break me. That I made “burned”, brainwashed my head willingly several times in my life to somehow be able to continue living, while death was like a dream, since my other dreams went to ash and dust.

If I wouldn’t have done this, out of despair and a hopeless trial to make sense of things or forget about it all, I could probably be a great supporter. But this is not what I am. If even I am a (usually) broken soul, throwing stones against a marching army of death and destruction. At least I am “throwing” something, in form of words and frequencies and sharing things here and there.

What I don’t get, why is there a place for us on this earth, when a lot of people don’t want us here?

Oh wait, there isn’t.

But wait, why am I here then? – Because it isn’t their land they claim to own.

Just because you pay for something, stick a flag in it or whatever, it doesn’t mean it is yours.

The problem why it still works is, that some people do a good job on either protecting this madness of a world with confusion or passivley through people who already gave up on dreams or think they are fighting for something good, while following a dream which will never be.

People with equal rights is a dream which shouldn’t even be one, it should have been reality a long time ago.

Fear is still a very naughty tool, shaming and blaming people as well. Until you don’t know anymore what is actually true and what isn’t. Good that I have a heart, so I can feel the difference.

Which doesn’t mean I don’t make mistakes, my whole life seems like one.

And before you think I am talking negativly about myself or doubting myself, you know nothing.

And when you think I need attention, you know nothing.

People like Nasrin Sotoudeh could need some more attention in a good way and women fighting for their lives in general. Hidden, ignored, forgotten…

There also is a turkish series I started to watch this week with my mother, called Bir Başkadır.

And is subtitled with: “Eight people in Istanbul”.

So far it was about topics like psychology, depression, conservative concepts, women rights and confusion related to it, religion, rich & poor, villages & cities and trauma. We really liked it, because some of it reminded me and my mother of our own life. Although we are in Germany and aren’t turkish. A lot of religious abuse, traumatic events and our life situation(s) resonated with some of these things in some ways.

It isn’t a series about Turkey, although it plays there and also tells something about this country and some people. We only watched the first three episodes so far and I also didn’t want to tell everything… for once.

It is very heavy and you should better not watch it alone, when you can relate to it. But if you are alone, maybe it could also help you, to feel less alone.

The saddest part where the credits of each episode, at least the original ones.

But you will see what I mean, in case you should watch it or be able to.

For me it is always interesting to watch movies from different countries, languages and genres.

This way I learn more about people and also something about how authors, producers and actors change over the years. Sometimes it is actually the more interesting part, than the actual movie, since I understand or can relate to a lot of things in them. At least a lot of movies and series I watched and find or they find me.

I often forget, that a lot of people function differently from me and might not know things I knew for a long time. Or can’t understand what I mean. But actually I usually think that noone does (which is of course wrong and this year proofed it), it still remains.

I am not here because I want to be, something or some people want me here, that is why.

Nothing holds me, nothing but the love for all these wonderful people out there and the love they give back, or gave before they even knew it was love. Before I knew what it was, since I wasn’t really sure what it meant at first.

Quality problem in tests… I wonder where else they might be found?

And what some people say about this year: “Country and industry have suffered.” or “We need to stabilize the economy.”

What about people? Why are concepts and dead things important when they “suffer”, but not the people?

You could argue, with “country” they meant the people, but this is just what they want you to think.

Putin also said that he does what is best for his country. Now you know, if you didn’t know what it meant before this.