People: Do you call me BASIC!?
People: What is this? Code?
Me: It is BASIC.
How it feels (for me and others, I guess):
When I was little I saw a lot of documentaries about accident scenarios. About crashed planes and trains, collapsed buildings and such things.
And do you know what I learned this way? That in most if not all of the cases, the people working with or around these things knew about possible risks. I mean, not in all scenarios the accident was predictable, but usually could have been prevented, by simply taking time, knowledge and repair or rethink something. And in some cases it were just the classic “it is still working” or “nothing happened so far” or “I am sure it will work out” or “this is none of my business” or “we have to reduce the costs”.
They all had in common, that first people had to die, get badly injurged and such things, until changes were made. So I realized that first tragic or horrible things have to happen until people think about things or pay more attention to things. Now you might think, well at least then they learn, but no, not anymore.
You know, these days you can show people movies about people dying, killing, getting hurt and all that, but they just look at it or don’t look at it and then think or say: “Well, interesting movie.” or “Oh no, so much violence.”
And then they continue their life as if everything is fine, while people around the world actually die in similar or even worse ways or conditions.
And then you try to show people what actually happens and they make memes out of it, laugh about it or just say: “That is horrible.” and continue their life / business.
So you think, okay, how can we teach them? How do they even learn?
Only to realize that they don’t learn. They only learn to a level they either got forced to, felt comfortable with or got convinced is good for them.
I also figured out that it is more likely that people will listen to other people who speak calm, use smart words, find plausible explanations, although they might be complete rubbish, until the people are happy or got something to make them feel better.
For example, when they go to the doctor and then the doctor gives them a pill, so they patient feels better and thinks now things will change. But actually it was a psychological trick (in many cases) or at least could be.
While then on the other hand, people like me don’t get noticed or understood. And I still don’t know whether the words “I can’t help you.” were meant in a logical way, since they had no clue or because they thought that I didn’t need help. Or that they maybe thought, I should find help on my own?
When something goes wrong, I almost always blame myself for it.
And the worst part is, when I don’t do that, it either actually was me that time or others will make me think about it again, until I believe again it was me.
How do you explain to people that they should learn things for themselves and be curious, eventhough things might be hard?
The problem is, that they always consider other people to be either more knowledgable, don’t want to seem like a fool, have no time, or simply accepted the way of things.
Sometimes I ask myself, are some people just capable of doing what they got told to do? Like: You are a mechanic, now you can only do mechanic stuff. And then you get someone else and they are an animal doc, so they can only take care of animals, maybe even just some specific ones. Then you ask them something about something else and they say, no, that is not my business. I wonder how they live a life, if all they do is think or care about that one thing. Isn’t it boring, depressing? Probably it isn’t, since they do it until they die or get sick and then die.
How can you convince people, that it is possible to live hundreds of years?
It is impossible, because they don’t even learn when people die these days.
I hear doctors tell people who cared about people who ended their life, that it was an egoistic decision.
Interisting… since whenever I tried to live, make others want to live and do things which were way more fun, they had no interest. While they also were not happy with their life and thought that they couldn’t live like this forever. Or maybe only with therapy or other distractions. I say distraction because therapy is usually just a distraction or questioning and such things from the actual problems. While it of course should actually help, but can’t, if you don’t change the actual problems. Is it wanted or not? Ask that the payment…
Everything is a market, a business these days. And I always wonder how animals pay their bills, their fees, their taxes and earn the money to pay them. I wonder, I wonder… no actually not, but most people just don’t get it. They just say, that “it is how it is” or such things. And when I try to tell them what they could actually do, that we could change it together and that they would only be able to fully / really live, they think I am crazy or toxic or just stupid or whatever.
So people don’t even learn anymore from tragic events, from death and alike. They don’t learn from kind and positive interaction, examples and ideas. They don’t learn from history. They don’t learn from stories. They don’t learn from their own experiences. But they trust everything some people who look convincing or can talk in a certain way. Why? I don’t know, probably because they are not able to think.
I usually lived by the thought: “When they could do it, I can do it.”
Which of course doesn’t mean that I should or want to do everything someone else did or could have dont, but that I consider a possibility and try to find a way, when I think something could be useful for me and others.
But I think most people live by: “I am not able to do this now, so I will never be able to.” or “I have no time.”
And then they will never have time, never be able to and therefor never live or really be themselves. While they might actually think they are fine or at least consider their current circumstances as acceptable.
I know what I am talking about, but in my case, it was not this easy.
I am psychologically not capable of escaping this situation because for me the “situation” is everywhere the same. Since I found patterns which are everywhere and I can’t live by or with these patterns around. This means, that I can’t escape, since they are everywhere. So I would only be able to escape, when I would know that the pattern is actually not there (anymore).
And then I see that I might have to do it all by myself yet again. Only to see, that nothing changes.
When I see a movie: I think about it, I see it from different angles, about the hidden parts, for example like in “The day after tomorrow”, when it was freezing and people wanted to burn books. But then someone got a whole room fool of tax papers and whatever. For the average viewer it might me not that important, but for me the message was, that we should actually get rid of these taxes, since they are useless anyway. Meaning, that we should actually know better and instead of paying taxes, take care of things on our own. Money is only a method to make people do things and was invented as a way to compare or transfer goods (or before that gold) against value.
And now it is as if money can solve everything, while it actually does nothing at all. It is only paper or not even that these days, just numbers. How can numbers solve problems?
IT guy: But without numbers my computer doesn’t work.
Me: I also can read Assembler code, thanks…
IT guy: What is Assembler?
Me: And people trust you… oh god no… why am I still alive.
People only trust you when you have a degree. But why?
Well, because they expect people with a degree to be well educated.
The reality is, that it is all chaos and rubbish.
If you consider all possible factors (which are endless, but even those known to humanity are usually not considered), it is impossible to give people certificates. You can either trust someone to know something in a certain area and that they are good people, so they wouldn’t betray you or harm you with this knowledge, or you simply learn it yourself. For example is it very interesting how easy programming is compared to just 10-20 years ago.
Before my time or when I was a little baby, my mother got told by a doctor, that now people still care for people with disabilities, but at some point they won’t. And another doctor also told her, that he didn’t find a computer which is faster that him. Some people didn’t fully trust these machines.
And what do we have just 20 years later? People who rely on this technology and even without it, don’t seem to be able to think for themselves (if they ever could, in some cases). As if they stop thinking at some level of thought or age.
I guess it must be like: “No, this thought can’t be valid since no one else had it and I never heard anyone talk about it. So I better ignore it and forget about it. I must be either crazy or stupid to consider this thought as useful, helpful or even intelligent.”
I don’t know, since I usually just let my mind do its thing, when it didn’t get negative input again or I got hurt in other ways. Basically when my heart is hurt (which is usually the case). Without my heart feeling free, I can forget my mind, since I will only think about things which don’t really make me happy. I mean, I often still try to think about things which would make me happy, but when my heart is hurt, it will always end up in me thinking things broken, to a point in which I want to die again. And this is nothing which I feel good about doing or have much control over. It happens, since my brain got trained to think this way. And each time I try to repair it, it gets hurt again. The environment where I live in, is not good for me. But since almost the whole world is like this and I can’t live forever alone, I won’t survive long. What I mean with “living alone” is, that I can’t live without the possibility to freely think and talk with others.
And I never really had that, so it is really hard to explain it to others.
Especially when they might catch me talking in a funny way, since I try to distract myself with funny nonsense or to cheer up the mood of someone else. Or when they now see me write here or make this weird music…
They think that I have a happy life, that I must feel good or whatever.
Usually I make music because I feel pain, because I have to distract myself from the madness or hopelessness around me. And I write to somehow explain and share what makes me want to die (or live in some cases).
And then people might think, that I want to feel this way, as if it is cool to feel pain, feel trapped and get ingored, misunderstood, hurt or when people try to tell me how I should live my life. Especially when they try to explain to me how to do things I probably could explain to them. For example when people try to explain to me how a computer works. xD And then I am probably in a broken state and seem stupid or unknowing, so they feel good about what they tell me. While inside I think things like: “I could probably watch your mails, if I would really want to, could watch every file on your device, if I would really want to, so don’t tell me, how to install an app.”
But hey, I just smile, say “okay” and continue. But not because I want to, because I wasn’t able to do anything else. And trust me, whenever I said something, people looked at me, as if I am a monster or something. So no, I can’t tell me, they won’t let me. Even if I still do it, they just talk me out, until I give up. Or they think I am rude.
“Funny” how people are allowed to do whatever they want. People who end their life are egoistic. You can show people footage of war crimes, make movies about horrible things which actually happen. And they just continue as if nothing happened. “None of my business.” is probably all they care about. And others are proud of their “revolutionary” acts, when they hold up shields like: “No Nazis.”, but they are actually not getting the meaning behind it themselves. Interesting people. It is like holding up a shield which tells: “I am not human.” has the same meaning. And if you don’t get it, then ask the people and animals suffering. Because instead of holding up a shield, you should do something. I mean, what do you expect from holding up shields? Change? xD
I mean, it is like holding up your hand and then say “STOP!” to someone who wants to hurt you. Are there actually people who believe this works?
Now you might think, hey, that sign might do the trick. But nope… I think, that people probably think it is a street name or just don’t look at it at all. At least those who should look, of course.
I often think, that probably people like me who actually think about everything and see all the problems, are the few who would do something, but can’t because of all the depending problems. And the other people think, that they can reach people with what they do. But all they do is at best getting people to do what they do, but no one actually does a lot.
I mean a few people do things here and there, but most people just do what is best for themselves. So good luck…
I am someone who feel guilty for being alive and whenever I can get myself to feel not guilty, people seem to just wait to make me feel guilty again. But they of course just do what they always do, nothing criminal. Which means, nothing.
And others try to show it as well, try to find someone who understands, but it all seems pointless. No?
I wouldn’t share the music, if it wouldn’t be for the people.
I like these things because of the people who play the music, who write, think, feel and all. But often I feel, as if I am the one who has to die, so they can live. And when I think, no, they would probably want me to live, I think, no it can’t be, why should they. I must seem like a problem for them as well, as if I want to hurt them. And then I might accidentally hurt them and hate myself for it.
I know that there are many people out there who also think about different ways, but sometimes I am not sure whether they actually care or just think it might be cool to do a certain thing. Like creating gray and white christmas candles and decoration. Am I the only one thinking this is not going to end well, if no one stops it?
Of course not, but then who should stop it?
At the end, it is all up to me, as if I created the universe or something.
People: Yes you did.
Me: Eh… you sure?
People: Did we say something?
Me: Hehe ha ha … *loses mind*