More therapy (places)

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I mean, as the previous (and probably most) petitions I get recommended, it is in Germany, but why can’t a “local” movement not spread?

Usually such things matter in general and not just at one place, although some people and places might need it more.

And you know that there also should be way, way more ways of therapy accepted and tried. Many people had to find their own ways through their hobbies, music, art and games. But many also forget the basic need of touch or at least some interaction with others or animals. We shouldn’t all just be trapped in our own homes or worlds or if with others just tell them or listen to what they or we want.

I usually had no problem with others, but it seemed I was a problem for them, at least my ideas and thoughts (I often couldn’t put into words or whatever).

If we loose the reason to keep someone else alive, we are all dead already.

Even someone you might consider your enemy, especially them.

Often it is that people like me would probably (at least try to) help others, usually on my own cost and risk, no matter who or maybe what they are.

But when I would need help, it seems out of reach, it seems not possible, not understood. As if I always have to do things alone. And when I then open up about it, it seems like a joke or as if I want attention. But I hate attention.

If you would give me a phone, or microphone or megaphone and tell me, that I should speak, I would rather vomit. I mean maybe I would speak or say something, but it really isn’t my thing and never was. I hate it, fear it and really don’t want it. And so it is hard to speak up, especially when people then usually judge every “important” thing I say, when I don’t just respond or keep quiet in expected ways. As if my voice has to be shut and doesn’t matter, until I believe it is wrong for me to speak or want something.


And sometimes spending time with other, older people could actually help both sides. You can provide them with your young ideas, experiences and make them feel younger again (or actually make them younger again? :D). And in return they can give you some respect and maybe remember their past and what they weren’t able to do.

I can spend time with others, but please don’t expect me to what I can’t do, because I will try it anyway, but probably fall down. Maybe even without you noticing it because I will try to hide it all away until it breaks out and you think I should take a break. But what I need is, that others maybe take one and make what they actually want, instead of what they maybe get forced to do or force themselves to do.

I had a hard time saying no or yes to things because usually my opinion was either ignored or misinterpreted. In some cases I had to repeat myself several times in different ways and people still continued to expect me to do or not do something. Until I either completely cut all wires or ignored them. Even people I actually liked, since in the end it all felt like work. Having fun seemed like work, since I had to keep up the good mood of others, instead of actually feeling fully free. Not always of course, but often, because of things they expected or didn’t want to hear.

Inside of me there is an endless scream, I don’t really hear it, but I know it is there. It is more a feeling than a sound. And for others I laugh, smile, joke or keep quiet, because in a way they expect me to.

I don’t need help for myself because I actually could and always had to help myself. At least with the important things, in which I actually wanted or needed help. Like wanting to live. For me it just seems as if no matter I would want to do or help others with, that I would first need to do something I hate, fear or which hurts me again. And so I won’t do it, since it would only end up in more problems. Others laugh about a little paper work, about going to school. Either because they made everything easy for themselves or just don’t know what others go through. They might went through something themselves, but not everyone has the same amount of problems.

Sadly I assumed that at some point or at least that I was meant to have these (extra) problems. As if I am weak or unwanted or not logical or whatever.

If I could feel free I would probably not be much different from outside, your point of view on me, if you would not know what is going on inside. But I would just love to wake up each day, make other people’s life better or try to find solutions together with others or whatever. I can’t hold myself back to solve problems and I don’t need much, just knowing that I won’t have to worry about others seeing me as a problem. And also that I could end up alone or whatever because I am too complicated for others.

I don’t always want to have to do something only to be allowed to stay somewhere or be accepted by people. As if only a working being is a good being. Again, I usually can’t hold myself back to work on solutions of all sorts. But I can only do that when there is no need for it, meaning that no one expects me to do something and if I can’t or don’t for some time, that they then feel as if I should seek help or should get my shit together and continue. When my battery is empty, I just have to fill it again and relax. I can do that in all kinds of ways.

For example when I was little, I went swimming, riding bike, walking long walks through nature, playing games alone or with others, listening to other people talking with each other, watching movies and such things. Or maybe watching or spending time with some animals.

I knew when I was little what was helping me and what didn’t, but people (mainly adults) expected me to know nothing and that I should do other things. I mean I even worked in the garden for fun sometimes, but when it is overdone, expected and when you can’t or don’t want to, almost like a sin, you start to hate everything and then yourself.

I will probably never work with other people in a way I imagine it or be accepted. And I mean we can cross out the “never”, but it still seems and feels this way. I can’t reach out and say: “I want to build a library and need $200,000 to do that.” or things like this. And even if I would, I would not get it. (And no I don’t want to build a library, this is just an example.) And since it seems as if you need for everything a certificate, some special high-end master education thesis to do things, I will never be able to do things.

And it is so stupid actually and so sad, that I really feel so less adult, less able and intelligent as ten years ago. I tried to explain this to others many times, but they either said: “This is not how it works.” or “What are you talking about?” or “When you get older you know more.” or whatever…

I recently found out that it is actually something like depression related “Alzheimers” or well maybe not that, but something like it. Well, I knew how it felt and how I was compared to the past, but people didn’t understand. And then you just give up on trying. I mean, just a few years ago I felt and acted mainly like a little child. Even a friend of mine told me, whether I was 5 or somethin… Interesting enough, I was actually smarter, more active and adult when I was actually 5. While of course also being a child in some ways. But at some point I thought that I probably had always been stupid, childish and “empty”.

And who helped me? I helped me. Okay, not really just me, but I had to find resources and allowed things to happen in order to help me. At least to a level that I was actually capable of realising and noticing myself again. Now even to a point in which I sometimes fully feel like a human being, sometimes even more than human. 😀

I was able to help myself through the power of all the voices and other people out there who also (more or less) had to find their own ways of healing or coping. And so their combined power helped me to help myself. And of course not to forget my cousin who couldn’t really do something, but was willing to listen or read or just give me space to let things out and develop. But he also needs something similar for himself and I failed to give him that, I suppose. All these misunderstandings and problems with basic human interaction and communication… I hope he will find his way soon. And I still feel as if I did give him also more pain than he actually had. Which then easily triggers my “I am a burden for everyone” problem. It is really not easy to forget or turn it off, since most people around me also react in a certain way which then feeds it. They say: “I need you and love you.” but when I say something about myself, they say: “This is crazy.” or “but you should <this> or <that> instead.” and I know that some of them just don’t know what to say or do. But it makes it even harder for me to trust them. If I trust them at all.

For me it is usually that I give people some level of trust, but I always have this imaginary finger hovering over the: “Danger! You can’t trust them!” button. This doesn’t mean that I expect everyone to betray me or such things, it is just how it feels. I know that this won’t happen and I know some people who I would still trust, even after they might have hurt me. I am usually way more forgiving than people were towards me. I just can’t express it openly and also don’t really feel the need for it.

I am just more scared that they might just want to hurt me again, so I will hold myself back more the next time. At least at first. I usually break up connections towards others because I don’t want to annoy, hurt or waste their time or when I think that they actually don’t want to be with me or I might harm them more than I help them with my presence / friendship.

And I really fear that people expect me to do something because I will do a lot (in my power) for others and all I want in return is, that what I did was actually helping. I don’t want something in return and usually feel bad for getting things in return. Mainly because I don’t need things or want things.

It is just very exhausting (to say the least) that it seems that no one has actual interest in my ideas or opinions. Or if so, that they then also can’t help me or don’t want to support me making them happen. Which then leaves me alone again with all of it and then I feel as if it was a waste of time to even consider opening up or speaking up. Since it will just all be up to me again and again, as if the 7 or whatever billion people out there don’t exist or aren’t able to do things.

I know it is not true, but how should I be sure, when I usually get such signals and experiences? When all I want is just to know that I won’t have to worry about the near future of my mother. That I won’t get in trouble because of all these things which have or not have to be done, but I can’t do them. Or that I will actually not be unheard for the end of my life. Other people want a lot of money, fame or whatever, I just want to be allowed to breath, without the need to give something in return. But it seems this won’t widely change until more people end up dead, freaking out or whatever happens with or around them.

Some people: But there are a lot of things to help you, just go <here> or <there> and people will help you.

Yea… sure thing… they will see my facade and believe that I am joking or that I actually have no problems or maybe think I have problems I don’t have. Or whatever, but I won’t get what I need. And I don’t need money, since it will run out anyway, I need living people who want to make things new / different. And I usually found things to be possible when you mix things and find common ground and sometimes just forget everything for a second and just think about something else.

Documents won’t save me, money won’t save me. Therapy, I can and had to do that on my own, since I actually did need other people to maybe have it. Education made me want to die, but “everyone” wants it, while I learned what I needed to know on my own out of curiosity and need. I did write things, shared things in so many ways, forms and duplicated ways.

And I know some of you understand me, at least some of it. I know that there are many people out there who want to help and do help people. Who give and try their best. I know that. But they, like me, also need help or awareness and that others who might have a good life (according to them) or maybe just don’t give a damn, understand what some of the others are going through. A few people can’t find a solution to these things and usually the ones with the biggest problems had to find a solution on their own. But why? Why all on their own? I mean, they would probably still do it “on their own”, but would be way more successful, happy and able to do so, when they would feel important or just noticed.

Again, if this would all be about myself, I would delete this blog and probably end my life. Because I hate that I have to “live” like this, while I have everything I need or even others might need or could help them inside me. But when I try to explain it, people think I want to join a radical terrorist group or I don’t know what they think. I must be very bad with explanations when people think these things about me. Until I sometimes actually felt as if I maybe “should” actually do something radical. Not because I want to, actually should do and I am totally against violence whenever possible. It is depressing, that people drive you insane until you want to turn into a tornado and destroy everything, only to try to explain it again and get similar responses like the last time. As if they want me to do such a thing, only that they can later blame me again or other things and continue the way there were…

I finally got myself away from intense suicidal, aggressive and destructive thoughts. Found myself again. Found a little hope and will to live again. But like the last times, it seems as if no one really wants that for me or as if I have to give all of them something, while I can’t but still try to.

I don’t want to start the “reset” process once again, I already did that many times. It is a wonder that I was able to work my way out of it. Probably because I am not a computer. But even they first just label “deleted” data as deleted, so in many cases you can restore deleted data again, since you just need to change it from “deleted” to “active” (or something like that) again. At least if it wasn’t already overwritten by some other data. I guess that is the good part about my resignation, that I less and less wanted new data or could process it. So the things I wanted to forget (willingly) because I either got hurt by it or hated myself, didn’t really disappear.

Either way, I am thankful that my memory works again for the most part, but I am only “stable” (more or less) as long as I can convince myself that soon things will get better for me and my mother (or even my father) and also a lot of other people out there. Because if I can’t keep this up, I will probably end my life, especially because I don’t want to hurt others. Which obviously makes no sense, I know all that. But I am also hurt and when you can’t take it away or let me take it away on my own, while feeling safe to do so, why should I? I am just tired of all of these trials to explain myself and getting misunderstood. And I can’t really do these things, or only very slow. It is as if you expect a man without legs to run a marathon. Good luck with that, but it seems as if people think I have these legs, so I should be able to run. I am talking about psychological things here, my actual legs are fine.

I have no problem to get a fun pointed on my face. I have a problem when people expect me to continue my life as it is or ignore my trials or even call them impossible. Or that I should just do it. As if I could. It is very hard to do things when I usually think that what I am or do is wrong, so how should I do these things, when I even feel unwanted just walking down a street, like any other. I can’t go outside without getting words thrown at me or weird looks and even if they are not there, I feel as if I have to get this.

It is no freedom when you have to go outside at night and where no one goes, like a cemetary or forest or whatever, only to be or at least feel a little like yourself. I even don’t feel safe or allowed to be in my own mind or especially not in my mind. A constant reminder that I am only giving others a hard time, that they don’t understand me, while I might understand them more than they want me to. Although my actions and reactions might not always or often seems as if I do. Which is due to the decades long “masking” and faking to not get hurt or hurt others or to give them what they want. So I often don’t know what to say or do because it is hard to know who is on which level of acceptance and awareness.

If I could just press a button and then people would know me and then could decide whether they want to talk, spend time with me and that or not, then I would probably do that. Not because I would preffer that, the opposite is the case, but it is just so hard to tell others how much I care for them and what I think, need and also could do for them. Only to get negative responses a lot of the time or confusion. It just seems so pointless and drains the almost non-existing energy I have even more. So a button would then at least make all of this within seconds possible. And hurt… I am hurt most of the time, so I don’t need additional pain.

If I would know that at some point there would actually come something good out of it for all of us… which I try here, I can take whatever pain there is. But only when I know it will end in a good way at some point. Otherwise I would only take this pain for decades and die anyway without ever changing a thing.

People: But you already changed so much. It is good that you are here.

But I don’t really see any of it where I live. As if I live in another dimension or world or something… So how should I know that any of it is actually happening, actually real…

People: 😦


Okay and now something positve.

HICKE EMERGENCY LANDING: Russian pilot prevents plane crash with masterly landing maneuvers:

This is worth an extra song.