While the “X” could also be seen as a “K”, when you move the lines a little.
And when you only read the upper case letters, it almost looks like hexadecimal code 0xFFFF, telling you that you got the maximum number for two bytes, 65,535.
And then you see what the rest means, when you only see the lower case letters.
There even is a reverse embrace, a circle and a cross and a sound of exhaustion.
But when you see it, you just see “OX Flow Flower Fly Flyer” and you think, why are there random words?
And I tell you, they were random, until I understood the sense behind it.
There also is more, there are only two words and then repeated, with an additional “er”. So it makes four words and four different meanings. But together they even sound like a sentence or as if they describe the same thing.
It also seems as if it is a cry for help, trying to write or speak out, how there is this simple, pointless existence, but it gets changed from everywhere and then you try to escape from it somewhere. Sometimes you are just in “the flow” and everything seems to work, make sense and go on. Then you just enjoy the moment, like a flower it seems. Only to feel as if you want to fly away because of all the noise, smell and toxic waste. Until a flyer flies in your face, telling you, that you are ugly, just because you are not like the other meat bags. Weird what a few random letters and sounds can tell.
But actually it was just random, until I understood what I tried to tell.
Suddenly german Spongebob talking against capitalism:
YouTube thought, that these videos are related. Very interesting.
Sometimes I am not sure whether I am teaching the YouTube algorithm, the YouTube algorithm is supporting me, everything is just random or something big is actually happening. But for sure there are things happening. And at least for me it seems as if it maybe finally could go into a good direction.
But it still feels as if nothing really changed. It is in the heads, in the feelings and slowly moves and spreads, like a virus. And this one, this one is one I would like to catch a million times. Not like stupid, mean and hateful words or looks and actions. Not like a broken mind and heart I got or more like having a loose or defective connection on both of them.
Sometimes the mind goes into toaster mode, then into booster, only to stay idle or mental for days or weeks. And my heart seems like a motor, then as if it is out of fuel only to beat like a machine gun and then hurt like a black hole must feel like.
Stable, normal, consistent, healthy and professional, are things which can’t be combined with me. Only sometimes, when a certain “personality” or “mood” or whatever state of mind or emotion got a hold of me.
I am like everyone sometimes, sometimes like a machine and sometimes, sometimes I feel as if I am me. But I really can’t tell which side of me is more like it. Probably the one which just enjoys how other people speak open about things which bother them, how they have fun or show emotions. And just in general to be with them and see how wonderful they are, all of them and not what they present to others who don’t really want to know them.
Often I think that I would feel more comfortable with a house full of people who were usually holding things back to either protect themselves or others, then people who think they do that, while actually harming everyone. Or people who just give a damn and do whatever they want, no matter who gets hurt, killed or overrun.
I have heard from so many wonderful or “crazy” artists who are or were suffering from depression, suicidal thoughts and a lot of other problems. And also people in general, be it the construction worker or the marketing manager of a big company.
When it comes to the basic needs, no matter what people might tell, think or got told, you always want and need at least one friend. You need something to regain your energy, be it alone time, or together time, be it some food or games or whatever. But we need time to regain our strength and it can be different for people. We can’t just work, work and work, but it is somehow expected or we assume it is. But actually if even only some people on the top positions expect it or think it is necessary.
There are so many other ways and possibilities in which our lives could be, no matter who we were or are. Why can’t we just try these things or help each other to find them? It seems as if we have to continue until everyone is either mad, dead or sick and then who wins? Who profits? Not us, clearly not us, so why do we do it? Because someone said?
There is this expectation of others which also got expectations on top of them and so on. But then, what do you really want, if you could just do it or have it?
I for example would probably be totally fine with sitting on a bench, listening to others having a good time. And then, when I feel like it, maybe join them. Or make something which could give some a good time as well, like music or just listening to them and this and that.
I don’t need things, presents and all. When I need something, I better get it myself and if not, then not. But without trust in myself or others, I often even couldn’t get myself things I actually needed, like new headphones or speakers or some instruments (or parts for them).
Not even learning a language I actually would want to fully understand and maybe even speak, like russian. While I actually would like to speak or at least understand most languages, so I wouldn’t have to write or read in english. Which often is very weird as well, since I actually don’t really understand a lot of words and also have not many words really fluently. When I understand things, let’s say in videos, songs, texts or maybe even conversations, it is sometimes luck or happens without me actually knowing the meaning of the words. Of course this changed over the years, since I usually hear, read and even write in english these days. But it is still this way in some cases. So it could seem for some, that I must understand a thing, but I could fail at simple words during an active conversation. Because of stress, fear and because I not actually have access to the words I want to say. They either come out (more or less) on their own, or I “find” them before I want to say them or get the meaning after some time. So it could be that I relize two sentences later, what you tried to tell me. Or maybe even hours later. But only sometimes, while on other times it could be that we could speak hours long in more or less fluent english while understanding all or most of it.
But I would feel very scared, nervous, stressed and helpless when I should actually have to talk with someone in english, especially when they only understand english.
I also feel anxious when such things were expected of me in the past, so I felt usually better with writing because I could look words up and also let some time pass between the sentences. There isn’t this pressure of direct response and it also is not as awkward, as if I would just stay silent for half a minute, trying to process what you just said. Depending on my stress and overall brain level. In my brain and moods everything is somewhat relative, dynamic and you can’t really say that I am this or that.
One minute I might be crying about something, when I actually was able to do that and then you could see me laugh again because someone said something (for me) funny.
I would say, that this could be normal, depending on the situation, but in my case it is more related to psychological problems I had and maybe still have in some case. At least sometimes. Many feelings were expected to be suppressed in my past, some things I had to hold back because of other reasons. And so I was able to perfectly pretend to be the sometimes stupid, sometimes intelligent guy, who is lazy, a little crazy or annoying, but usually okay. While actually it was far from it and I was not only dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts and visuals, the wish to harm myself or others, scream, cry, laugh and just stay in my bed. Or even to erase my memory or intelligent ideas, so I could ignore everything.
Usually other people just saw me either look stupid, smile, sleep, feeling a little lost or helpless and overall more quiet. And often it seemed, that when I didn’t stay quiet, people were not able to handle it and wanted me to stay this way. Not always, but sometimes. And I usually weren’t taken serious or understood.
So this is why you always have to read or hear what I say, with knowing that I can’t fully trust you or myself. Which doesn’t mean, that I don’t trust you at all and can’t rely on myself, it is just not always given. Because I often got convinced or forced to think, that what I had to say or think was not okay. Or that what others did and said, was not in relation or whatever. So basically my brains logic got so confused and broken, that I sometimes would have believed everything and then nothing.
When I hear or read something, I sometimes just handle it in an honest way.
Let’s say you would say something like: “I like you and you are very kind. Why do you care for me? I feel like don’t deserve this.”
When I am in “trust” or “honest” mode, I just take it as it is, so when I know you for some time or at least feel more comfortable. So I think that you mean it this way and maybe even think, that there is no need from your side to feel “unworthy” of my existence (or whatever).
But as soon as I get some kind of bad feeling or maybe something negative happened again (could be different things), the meaning and mode / mood changes. Then it could translate for me into something like: “It is nice that you think you are important or help me, but I actually don’t want your presence. Please leave me alone and first get normal and sane.” or such things. And this could then result in my brain rethinking every bit of information, reaction, feeling etc. to this point in comparison to what happened in the overall time. Then it might come to the conclusion that actually everyone meant things in this way and they actually don’t want me and that they might even hate me, while they pretend to like me. This activates the paranoid mode and at worst I get into a state of complete paranoia and fear. Then I almost believe or sometimes maybe actually believe that everyone is just out to get me, hates me, wants to break me or worse. And all these things.
But if you then tell me, that it is crazy, while these or at least some of these things actually happened or are still happening in some areas, countries etc. to actual people, what does this make you?
The possibility doesn’t proof that it is actually happening right now or any time soon (depending on the subject / topic), but without the realisation of a possibility you also could get in danger.
In my case it is so critical, that I am unable to do things, since I usually get fitting responses and reactions from people, even if I don’t want to believe that something could happen. I often lost the sense that I can’t be alone and that it is paradox. At least that I am alone with everything I feel, think and see. And it was wrong, but only when I went through things like YouTube, video games and such things. Because around me, I usually see people who pretend to be something or if not, then are expected to be something. For example that a teacher is expected to be professional, focused on work, well educated or at least serious about what they teach and do. But actually the opposite should be the case, at least usually. And only when something is actually serious, that this will be handled serious. For example, when someone needs help or seems to need help, often even further than just the school related things.
Or why can’t a police officer (who actually still wants justice or at least tries to do an honest job) have some funky or epic music playing while on work? Or maybe don’t take everything too serious, when it comes to small things, like a few kids breaking into a swimming hall at night or playing loud music. As if they never were little or wishes to be free to do such things…
The little people usually feel powerless, but only because they take their power themselves, let it be taken away or even do it to others.
It usually starts little, with a few words, few actions and then it ends in a holocaust, a world war or worse. Why? You know why, because a few can’t have enough, can’t see many having a good time and because some think they are or should be more than others. Why? Ask me something easier… probably because they have a heart of stone.
There is a movie (maybe different versions and this book / story)
I read and watched it in school some years ago. It really is a priceless story and sadly still uptodate, although in modern times it would look a little different, obviously. A story about someone who sold his heart, love and in a way the soul, in order to get a lot of money, connections and whatelse. But after some time the guy tried to get his heart back. All in the context of a fairy tale, with a few magical figures and forests, playing in a time in which people still made a lot of money with selling and shipping wood and such things. It actually plays in my home region I think, the Black Forest, which is famous for dark and mystical stories. Probably because this place actually is very dark in general, the mood, the hope, the future. And yet, there are people who bring light into this place, as it always was.
Just don’t forget, I might seem strong (sometimes) and be strong (sometimes) and have a lot of ideas, maybe talents and see things others either can’t or don’t want to (sometimes). Because when you except this to be the case all the time or when you meet me (should we meet), I might be like a statue or as if I am not really there. So please don’t expect anything of me and maybe be surprised what wonders I could make possible or how simple I might be from time to time.
I mean, I can’t even get out of this obvious death trap I am stuck in, while there could be so many solutions and ways out. In my case, it just usually results in the same things and therefor thinking: It will always be this way, so why should I even try?
Not because I want to believe it, always believe it, but because it usually seems this way and I feel as if others want that I believe it, so they can live (or whatever they do).
If someone would say: Hey, you can be here, let’s just see how it goes, I might actually have no problems with that. Usually the main problem is, that I can’t really trust people to just let me be and maybe also have some similarities with me or things which are just interesting for me. For example, I actually like it, when people are completely different from me, as long as they have no problem with me. Because I like it a lot when there are a loto f different people having a good time together. This is life for me and friendship and family and holding together and such things. Which doesn’t mean, that you have to tollerate everything, but that you just see the good things in others, instead of always trying to find the down sides.
I usually have a “talent” to see my down sides and even turn good things into negative things, when it comes to myself. Because I can’t function like others, since I got broken to a point in which I am not really a “full” someone. I really can’t tell what exactly I am, but a lot of things and it doesn’t help to say that I am normal or okay, because this usually means, that my facade / masks are still on and working. I often fooled myself (willingly). So I really have a lot of problems, which could be triggered by sometimes seemingly irrelevant or unnoticed things for others. Like the noise of a fly or a train or a certain word, like “system” or “you have to”.
Then within seconds I can change from basic protection or even comfortable feeling into war mode. Which basically turns everything and everyone into an enemy. Luckily, I usually try to just block everything, run away, hide or sit through this because there usually is a little sense left, which tells me, that it isn’t good to get active and aggressive. Usually that also didn’t help me in the past and only got me into more trouble, even if I only tried to hit someone back who hit me first.
So last week, when I grabbed my father and was shaking him, I was in “war” mode, but I couldn’t stop myself and stay calm. I could have beaten him up or maybe accidentally kill him, maybe even willingly. And the reason for it is, that he keeps complaining about me and my mother, that he keeps interferring in our lives, making us look stupid in front of others and evil. Or simply do things, like calling on the phone all day long, when he didn’t get want he wanted. And if it just is that we thank him for something we didn’t want.
I finally blocked his number, which could seem like the first thing to do and I actually would have done it, but my mother always said: “But what if he one time might actually call because he needs help.”
And yes, this sounds silly and messed up, but it is a psychological thing. Besides that, my father is my neighbor and he is very good in manipulating people. I didn’t buy it when I was still in elementary school, but only because I got some other people to compare things to. So I knew, that he can’t always be right and in fact usually was wrong about things. But he did a great job making my mother believe him and getting partially dependent of him, while he actually needs her more than we ever needed him. I personally never needed him because I never got anything from him. Maybe only a few times, when he could have been not in his madness. But a few moments, compared to more than two decades of psycho terror, pain, depression and madness, are not really something.
So it might be logical and easy for others to just pack their things, sell their old home and move somewhere else. I would have wanted that many times. But when you see a lot of similarities in the people where I live and people elsewhere and the expectations and overall systems, then it is not really “attractive” anymore. It is as if it is not worth all the additional stress, interaction with people, only to get from one hell into another, while paying a lot (not only money) in the process.
Perfect things are far from what I wanted, but I got into thinking, that everyone wants perfect things and patially it actually seems this way.
I personally like things which are far from perfect, but still work or which I can make work (again). They are often way more interesting and also fun or challenging, instead of things which seem “perfect” like Windows, but are actually “bullshit”, while they cost a lot of money (in case you pay it and want to pay it) or even worse: Apple products.
The worst thing you can do to me, is telling me, that I have to get my things together, that what I am doing is crazy and that I should get help.
Because trust me, no one on earth can help me because I can help myself, always had to. What I need is, that other people stop forcing me, themselves or others to behave, think and act in a certain way. And that at least people like me can just live and do what they want (which usually would be for the benefit of all). I was always a kind of problem solver, at least I felt good doing that and was interesting in finding new solutions or other ways.
And what held me back were expectations, not my own, but those of others. And that for me things are usually related, so when you say something negative to me, like: “Your music is weird.” after hearing two tracks (which theoretically is corret, since I would even say, that it isn’t even music in some cases) I would count that for everything I do (when I am not in defense). And you could have just tried to tell what you thought, which would be totally fine. But since for me I often think such things through in several ways, often getting to (for me) negative conclusions, such simple words can shatter my whole world, while you might even like me, just were confused. Which would be totally understandable. (And sorry for these long and messy sentences)
And don’t judge me when you only saw one side of me. Because then you could think I am an idiot one time, that I am conservative, that I am a fanatic, that I am a monster, that I am a pathetic child, that I am a professional troll, that I am a liar, that I am an author or artist or musician. Or that I am an old man or a woman or something in between.
When it comes to me, then I know that I can seem this way sometimes or maybe even act in some ways. But when you actually know me (which is very tricky because of this), you know that I am neither dumb, nor dangerous, nor old or living in the past, but that I am actually in the future. A future which I feared and still are scared, of never being able to embrace.
But I have to “scream” for it, fight for it and try to show it with all I got (which isn’t much, at least not much of it comes out, it seems). Because if I don’t then I could jump from a cliff just like that. If it would be sure, that no matter what I do, it will never happen, then I should do that. Because otherwise I would only make other people’s lives harder than they already are or take away their good moments.
And because I didn’t want that, I usually held everything back, as good as possible. But this doesn’t work forever, as last year showed me.
In case you are also struggling with trying to hold everything back or together and do things you actually don’t want or can’t do, but try to do it for others. Please take care of yourself and decide against something which actually hurts you. I ignored it at some point and was “numb” as some might say, although I always had pain inside me. But I was so “comfortable” with this feeling, that it almost killed me, when I first broke out of it a year ago. I mean, I had to quit my job after just a few weeks because I couldn’t handle this feelings and levels of pain related to it. And I can only imagine, that I probably survived ignoring all of these feelings since my childhood or maybe since I was born.
Because what I felt there was so immense, that deciding for the job and against myself, would have been like cutting myself in half or multiple pieces. I mean, this is how it felt.
And since childhood I thought, that I would never be able to end my life or at least usually I thought that, as I ignored and forgot many things.
When you go against your feelings and what you think is good or right for you or maybe others, but continue to go against it, you might face a suicide situation at some point or maybe multiple times. And trust me, it isn’t your fault, but you have to decide for your life and stick with it. And people might react as if you are insane, as if you can’t just do that or whatever. Maybe you will react weird and do things you might not be proud of, but you can fight through it and survive. I am still here, after all.
And luckily no one can actually say, that the future I and others wish for or maybe see, will never happen. Otherwise, I would have nothing to live for.
By the way, I also thought a few times, that even someone who just views others, listens to them and spends time with them, while no one else might be there are important. Because I mean someone also has to pay attention to what others do, want to share and all, otherwise why would they do it?
Or like it was said in Orwell’s 1984 about the bird singing alone, that he was just singing for the sake of it. But actually the thought behind it was, that usually a bird sings, to be heard by another one. And to be not alone. At least this is what I got told or learned. But if you believe, that there is no meaning behind a singing beard, how should you ever find someone who wants to be heard? You would only think: “Well, good for you that you can sing. I can’t sing like that, I wish you the best.” or whatever you think. But even or especially the most famous actors, singers and people in general, often are still alone deep down inside. Because people only see their works or their appearance and maybe what it gave them, but they often not really look or notice what they tried to show and say. I usually did that since I was little, always fascinated and interested in other people, how they felt, thought and what they came up with. For me it usually is about “what tried the author / artists / etc. to tell me?” and so I find myself thinking like them or feeling what they must have felt. Sometimes even losing myself in it, forgetting that some things actually didn’t happen to me or can’t happen to me (like that).
Or I just see someone and almost instantly feel something, like with my father. When he is near or enters the room, I almost instantly feel pressure and negativity and it makes me tired after some time. As if he is sucking all my life away. Which actually is happening, I guess because he can’t just create life, joy on his own or see it in others.
I don’t know exactly how I was born, what abilities I learned fast and what I might have already had. I just know, that my abilitiy to feel others was usually not there or really stable. Because I often ignored it or told myself that it can’t be real. Like so many other things. Or if I didn’t do it, others did it for me, like usually.
I don’t want to be always right and I am also wrong sometimes because of my problems. Especially when I am in a meltdown or war mode or whatever, I could probably come up with things, which usually would not make sense or at least not be worth a thought.
So I might seem unreliable, not trustworthy and ignorant or whatever, but it is the opposite. And usually when I actually try to actually ignore everything, people make me not ignore it, but myself, until I hate myself again. And at worst then also everyone around me. At least those who know me.
I know the reasons, the psychology, the maths, the past and present, no need to teach me. All I need is, that we can make such things stop and hopefully never happen again or at least offer actual help, care and support for people like me and maybe you. And not these: “Take this pill and maybe make this 8 sessions course therapy” kind of help, which usually ends up being pointless or just making someone dependent on it. Which then created another industry. While I know and a lot of other people, that sometimes movies, honest talks with friends and playing some (deep) video games, is more like therapy and actually helps because this is what it is.
If people would start playing games together, instead of trying to manipulate each other or think they help by making people take drugs or whatever, man could we live in a great world. Maybe I would even wake up again like sometimes when I was younger, mainly in holidays or at weekends. And then I just wanted to explore something, create something, try something and enjoy the day. Even willingly “work” three days in a row, with almost (if even) sleeping breaks because I wanted to finish this program or play a game or watch through a great Tv series.
But now I usually hope, that I will wake up one day and people would say, that I am released from this nightmare. Or that just a group of people who might be having similar thoughts, stops next to my house and rings or knocks at my door. While I would probably be scared at first, not knowing whether I could trust them or not, but then also don’t really care, since the worst thing they could do, would let me be in this misery.
Or if ringing and knocking wouldn’t be their thing, they could make music or just leave a note or something. But somehow I feel as if I have to do all of this for someone else, while I then would probably do this to the wrong “person” and get in trouble again. So I wouldn’t try it because I expect even more problems and troubles. For me it usually is about, what kind of trouble and pain do I want to accept additionally to what I already have. Because I often can’t even imagine anymore, that there could actually be something which I could just enjoy and feel good about. Usually there are either other people who have no sense for it or something else happened.
Luckily I was able to get some things despite all negative experiences. But I mean walking at night to a village, forest or drive down a street and such things, aren’t really what I would want, if I could feel actually where I am free. But then again, it seems as if this would nowhere be the case, maybe only in areas like Siberia, the desert or some scary mountains. And then it would also be lonely again, which I actually don’t want, I just preffer it, since it was easier to handle the pain of being alone, than the additional pain others gave me, while expecting me to then pretend to feel happy or good about it. Often even without their knowledge, but they could have known it, if they would have wanted to.
And now something which actually fits our current world situation pretty good:
And yea… as if I am joking.
But I can’t really laugh about these things I thinking, writing and talking about, not without feeling hurt, dead and lost. Because I have to sometimes joke about it, because otherwise I would only cry, which I really would want to, but it simply is not possible. But I am thankful for every tear drop, really, even if it would be causes by onion or wind or something. Every tear drop gives me a little hope, as weird as it might seem.