Many small pieces …

can become astonishing when put together.

These brought back good memories from my childhood.

What happened around me and in my brain after everything got messy and freaky. Which still often happens. Just today, to be honest.

Then the retreat into safe and innocent seeming sounds and thoughts.

And dreams of hopeful, peaceful times.

When you wish that you could hold this feeling, but others take it away. You try to protect it, but it gets only harder this way. But I know we should all take care of ourselves and each other. It is just so hard, when there are always people who just continue doing whatever they think is right or others tell them. And that thes people often have the “bigger” hand, at least as long as everyone else thinks they can’t do some things. Things which should be totally normal and good, but you don’t do it because of laws, society, fear, hate, danger.

Or you are just in danger and no one helps you, so you don’t see the point in fighting. Then still fight, but you don’t know anymore against who, for what, until when?

And then this happens…

Always these things…

So we cry and die and try to do something about it.

And then it seems as we have to become …

Otherwise the fear will kill us or we will let us get killed by others, who have fear and hate. We can do better, we are better and we know about our “flaws”.

But we can work on them and want to work on them, at least those which are really not good for us or others. Because if you search, you will always find “flaws”, problems and things which someone doesn’t like. But then you could hate everything and then what..? Children can and want to make things good and way better, if we give them a chance and show them that we want it as well. Blaming them or punishing them for our mistakes, is childish… while the child might take it as an adult.

Honesty is something which is not that common, while it should be the most “normalest” thing in the world. Instead I had to hear, that people might be worried, when someone openly tells everything their parents. Why? This almost tells me, that it is wanted to lie or hide things, but then how should people learn and understand things? And I mean, you should not need to tell everything because some things just don’t have to be known by others. But if you want to know something and feel lost, why can’t you tell or ask about things and expect and honest answer? Usually because the others also have no clue, are afraid or unknowing or think it is (not) normal, a lot of children get or feel broken.

“There are worse things than death.”

For example: Feeling alone, surrounded by people. Or even being or feeling threatened by them, instead of getting support.

I often don’t really know what I should say or write with others, so I sometimes accidentally hurt someone or just think I do. At other times I build up a wall and only tell useless or stupid things again, so they might think I fooled them or whatever. But I was just scared and didn’t know whether I went too far or what to do.

My actions, reactions, thoughts and ideas usually were ignored for the most part, so I learned, that my existence is trivial or irrelevant. This way, it usually seems to me, that it doesn’t matter what I try or do, it will always end in a similar way. And this makes me often go into crazy ways of thinking, which then makes others think that everything else I did or said is or was crazy as well. Then I hate myself again, they don’t trust me or think I am a troll or faker or whatever and I want to die again.

I figured out that it must be a mixture of CPTSD and other things. But as long as I feel safe (which not often happens, when I am honest) or I could find some stability through some people online, videos or games etc. I can do normal things and actually live. Which actually happens only in moments or a few days in the month or even year. Not because it has to be this way, because I can stay active and motivated for months and weeks, but usually it seems pointless, so I often give up after a day or a few hours.

This pointless feeling and responses make it so overwhelmingly hard to continue, that it seems as if I am making something wrong, like always.

If you stand mostly alone, it is hard to know whether what you do is actually good or bad. Because at some points you loose the sense of what is actually what. It is then, when I am glad about a few different voices, a few people who say or act different from the rest. So I know that I can’t be all too different after all. Luckily I found some of these people, but sometimes even that didn’t help.

The positive thing is, that I have not really a standard when it comes to people, as long as they don’t (willingly) want to manipulate, harm or kill me, of course. Because there are people who have fun or just don’t think far enough, doing such things. But I guess I also didn’t really have standards when I was little, before my parents, especially my father, almost burned religious and fanatic nonsense into my brain.

If I wouldn’t still be confronted with it, like just a couple of hours ago, I would probably never mention it again or want to waste time with it. I really want to understand things and also do understand a lot of things. But sadly the most important things I understand, can’t really be put into words by me. As silly or weird as it seems, it just doesn’t work. These things which you can only feel or just know and understand on your own.

For example, that I can theoretically love everyone, but that I of course have to distant myself from people like my father because they will only hurt me in return and probably never stop. But I would still wish him to be happy and free, I just can’t give this to him because he wants to make me and my mother chained like him. So I can’t give him love because he gave me none as well (except a few moments maybe).

But I have no problem with people who didn’t hurt me a long time without change or who are just the way they are because they were lost or something. I think I can bring up more love for a criminal who knows that it was wrong, but would give all to make it right again, than someone who claims to be good, while hiding the truth. Again, I have a problem with watching porn and I am in a way addicted to it or was. But I can live without it, when I would not have to feel guilty for being alive or speaking my mind and heart. When I am in a certain mood, I would be lying, if I would say that I wouldn’t want to watch porn, masturbate or have sex and maybe even hurt a woman by doing so. But I wonder, whether this is actually me or what I feel because of my father or what is in the world around me. Because people where I live all keep it together, hide their feelings or only let them out sometimes or in disguise or other forms.

I personally would never actually want to harm anyone. I got hurt, broken, bullied, ignored, misunderstood and brain-washed for far too long, without deserving any of it. But I have to write (or maybe even say at some point) these things down, to process and understand it. I would want others to hurt me, instead of hurting them, while I also got these feelings inside sometimes.

And for example telling me, that watching porn supports the porn / sex industry is something which will only make me feel even more broken, guilty and lost. Because I obviously know these things. But then I could also say, well then don’t smoke, don’t drink, don’t buy food from foreign countries, don’t go into the super market, don’t buy electrical cars because they are scam (for the most part) or diesel or benzin because they make the environment go down. Don’t fly around the planet for fun, don’t trust big corporations, don’t give money to charities because a lot of them are also fake or at least take a lot of it for other things. Yeah… and while we are at it, don’t sell your body for sex or work for greedy corporations and people in general, who only want to profit from you, like pharma or such things.

And then, you can do nothing and just fall flat on the floor and die instantly. But hey… I just try to say that most things in our “modern” and “civilized” world are so weird, broken and irrational or without logic, that it breaks my mind a lot of times. I mean, you basically replace one addiction with another and call it cure. Wow… Although of course some “addictions” might be worse than others. For example playing video games is in my eyes way better than taking heavy drugs or torturing people for fun. And still it is all not really what we need or want.

If I would just walk through the forest here at night and at some point maybe walk into someone else who might had the same idea. And also doesn’t want to be seen or feels scared around the average people, then I wouldn’t need something like that and also wouldn’t want it. Because then I would have someone to spend time with doing things which are just making me and them happy. Silly things maybe or sometimes talking about complex and intellectual things or just play baseball or whatever. I mean, why not?

It is just as if no one really wants any of these “random” things and instead just down, be scared or do weird and “normal” things. Or just hide everything away. But when I open up, I am the problem… yeah thanks.

I already feel guilty enough for being alive, although I did almost nothing to deserve it. And no, I am not allowed to defend myself or fight back, otherwise I am just the villain yet again. And then I have to feel even more guilty or ashamed. Why? I don’t know why. Probably so everyone else can feel good about themselves or whatever they feel.

People always draw lines in their heads or get convinced to do so, but then where do they want to be or go? I got told that it is crazy to be open for anything. Well, not personally, but it was said that it would be, so I knew, that they would think the same about me. And I am not really open for everything there is, but what I mean is that I can understand most things and often things which I don’t want to understand or even know about.

And that my words can’t give or express what I feel, see or try to say and do. That they often do more harm than good.

I often think, that there could be so great things if you would put a lot of different people (origin, profession, etc.) together and let them actually speak out or express openly. Some already do that in support groups or their work / art etc. but still not enough ( meaning that not enough people do this, while some almost do it to a point which almost or fully kills them).

We can learn, support and cheer each other up. A lot of us are scared, broken or unsure. And we actually don’t want this mess or a world and we try or wish to make it different. Why is it that so many still follow a few on the top, while they together would actually have everything in their hands? Without us, the people on the top can do almost nothing.

I mean they can try to kill us, torture us and all that, but that happened all the time in the past, so why should it surprise us?

And the top is not always what you think as top. Often people think the top are the politicians or country leaders (which in some countries or cases might be true). But usually it is that they just act as play figures on a chess board.

Why does it work that some people just have everything they want? Because we fight against each other, fearing that if we don’t, we will be next.

Like the case Julian Assange. In a movie I would say, that people should just all stand up and say, take me instead of this man. For example I could say that. Because instead of me, this man did actually make it possible to uncover hidden truths, state secrets, war crimes etc. And as far as I know, he really wanted to make this for everyone. So these things stop and also because it is a right to know what actually goes on behind closed door.

So if I could take his seat in prison or whereever he might be at this point, I would be willing to do so, because then he could continue his work. Which is or at least was a very important part in the fight for truth and change.

I am just sitting here in my village, sharing videos, thoughts, music and problems. Okay, I also do more, but I can’t really make something big it seems. Not for myself, but for the people I care about. I have all these thoughts, ideas and visions, but none of it is possible, understood or doable by me. Because I will probably never be able to do these things, get the resources or trust of people. And if others would do that, others who can do it and feel similar, than I would be most thankful.

When I want to do things, then usually just that things get better, for others and myself and to help. I usually don’t do things for my benefit because usually I never benefited of anything which could have if I would have wanted to. I hate it that people either have to or want to make advertisement because good things should actually “make the round” (be shared) by people on their own. And you can’t really trust things and people, especially when they make a lot of advertisement for something, after it already has a lot of support. At least I don’t see the point in it, other than brainwashing people to want it more than something else. Or just make them think there is only this and nothing else.

I don’t really want nor can commit myself to political or other concepts and groups and I usually also don’t know what they are about, when in the core they all not really succeed or have actual solutions. When it comes to what I I think could be something I can relate to, then it might be humanism. But then again, only because I just consider it to be doing things for the benefit of all. And since that usually didn’t end well for the people following it or only gave them resignation, frustration and despair or madness, I also can’t say I am that.

I am just someone who wants that others can see the good things, some of them are already here, some maybe were already here and there are so many things which can be here.

When I was little, I got told, that I shouldn’t use so much toilet paper. Then I felt guilty about it, but also knew, that I had to do it, otherwise I would not get clean. And I also thought, that the toilet paper would be produced with or without me, so it won’t change much, if I would use less. The same goes for water. When I should feel guilty each time I shower a long time, then how should I find solutions to make it actually possible to do it without feeling guilty? It is paradox to make people feel guilty, when the result of that will only cause more problems and give no actual solution for the problem. Not to mention that some people have a lot of swimming pools, drive 30 cars and yachts and planes and a lot of them decide about all of our future. About that…

I think, if we feel always guilty about everything, while the things then still are there, with or without us, then what does it help to always feel guilty about it? It will not make it better or change it completely.

The solution should not be to reduce comfort, freedom and happiness and such things, it should actually be the opposite, while doing it together, through creative solutions. And also rethink the concept of comfort and what we want and actually need. I for example was a natural minimalist when it was about having or owning physical / material things. I also never really had the need or interest in own or having much. This is also due to the fact, that I wasn’t allowed to have or do a lot of things and also couldn’t afford some things. And even when I could, I usually saved most of the money and only gave it when I needed something or wanted to support something. Or for some games, because I needed to live somewhere.

Other people maybe think about their swimming open-air swimming pool tickets, cinema, parks, gaming halls, hotels, holidays and such things or cool toys, clothes or whatever. I would just be happy, if I could just live my life, without this fear and pressure in my back, that I will soon be faced with a lot of payments and I have nothing to pay them. Because I while I might seem “fine” or able, I can’t really do something which would give me money. Usually because there is pressure, problems and expectations involved with it. Even if no one says a word or especially then.

I don’t want to grow old in this world, but I want to live on this planet with people who also can’t stand this madness and want change.

I just had to think about this korean Netflix series again, Extracurricular.

How messed up the whole thing was and yet so “normal”, as if it was all normal and sadly is in a way. Not because it should be this way, but just is this way or in most cases. And instead that people pay attention to each other, start to stop or change doing what they do, they stick to it until it is either too late or they freak out or whatever. And I thought so often, why can’t they just stop doing these things and come together and if anonym at first. And just try to open up and speak about things, try to feel what the others feel. For example this one girl felt pretty lost after some time sold her body so she could buy expensive presents and things for her friend or herself. And then this big, strong guy who was always supposed to protect her and the other girls / woman told her that she doesn’t really want to do that and such things.

I thought, that this is right and she even was very interested in his story, but her never really said a thing and then he was dead and she also almost died.

And then I thought, why did it have to end like this? She maybe saw something like a father in him or at least a protector and maybe even a good guy. And he saw a good girl in her, who got blinded and then trapped in something which wasn’t supposed or meant for her (she was still a teenager, but working in this escort whatever service).

And then I thought, well, actually they both saw something very similar in each other, but he didn’t want to hurt her feelings or maybe face his own, so he didn’t tell her about his past. And she felt alone and lost because noone seemed to really want to be with her, just because why not spend time with her? Her friend even said that he was with her mainly because of the money and her body, at least for the most part. I mean, they obviously were talking about these things in these direct and sometimes weird seeming ways because this series was trying to make people think about truth, reality and society and all these things most people either ignore, don’t know or can’t handle.

Honestly, this series also did mess with my head, like most of the others I watched throughout the year. Because whenever I looked around me, I felt, as if I was the only one who saw it, knew it, understood it. As if I had to fix it all and I in general had this thinking and problem, which is a disability on its own because this alone can make you unable to do a single thing. Like a deadlock situation. You don’t know where to start, remember that nothing you did really mattered and then give up, trying to distract yourself again.

Which at some points this year almost ended up in me harming myself again, ending my life or like this week, almost have a physical fight with my father.

And now me and my mother feel ashamed again for this scene because the neighbors saw it and although they mean they have their own opinion, they said it actually is none of their business what we are doing. Interestingly enough, it always is, when I or my mother do something “unusual”, but never when my father does something. At least not as far as we know. Very interesting……. NOT.

Back to the meeting anonymously or without pre-judgemental thoughts, what would be if you would put some former criminals, some teenagers, a few chilren, some people of the law sections, some people with trauma, addictions, some teachers and maybe a few workers of low paid jobs and some managers in one room? Of course without their knowledge.

I don’t know, but if you would add some games, some movies, the possibility to go on a walk through nature and maybe even swim in a lake or the sea, who knows what could happen. I personally could imagine a magical and eye opening event. But most people would probably expect a big disaster, a lot of frustration, hate and even more chaos.

I don’t know about you, but why not just try it and see how it goes?

I mean, if people these days are more willing to end their lives, harm themselves or others, than trying such things, which could maybe end in something good and never seen. Well, then we can all just dig our graves and fall right into it. I mean, what do you expect or want, if it wouldn’t be something like this? Like people from different origins, backgrounds etc. coming together and learning to actually care for each other. Maybe go on a sailing tour together or such things, making them able to get a sense of trust and connection. And also sensibility for each other.

And hey, maybe it could fail, but then, if you have no expectation, but a lot of possiblity, what should go wrong? I mean, there already has been so much madness and all… why do we still try to cover it up, separate and judge people, when in the end it will only make it worse and worse?

Some people probably should feel a sense of punishment, but it could also be peaceful. Not exactly like that, but maybe something like it was in the 9th season of “The Walking Dead” with Negan in his small cell. At first he did a lot of bad things and then was said to die in his prison cell and never see the outside, except for his small window view. And then he even saved the little Judith who got something like friends with him, although she knew he was an evil guy and he thought that he didn’t deserve her attention.

But they helped each other, she made him realise that he also once was little and had dreams and that he could decide for himself to be different. And he helped her with school stuff, gave her something to think and talk about and listened to her, when noone else did. Then he even saved her in the middle of a blizzard, while the others either didn’t notice it or were too afraid to let go of the track they were following because they could maybe get lost in the storm. But since he had nothing to lose except her, his only “friend” or at least only someone who at least didn’t try to make him change in a forceful way or blame him for things or whatever. She simply knew and said that he was evil, but gave him a chance. And he was happy to lose against this little girl because she was smarter, stronger and wiser than him. And had a way bigger heart, which then made his heart beat again.

I mean, when you in general put someone into prison or whatever or judge them and such things, what do you expect or want? It is a very important question because when someone did a crime and got caught and all, they may or may not have learned their lesson. But there are so many other factors which get ignored. For example would probably most people not want an ex-criminal work for or with them. So how should they survive, work and live in a good way? Then they either have to ask for state support (in case the state offers that), which then would make other people angry as well, since they would think: “First they commited a crime and now they get my tax money for a living.” or whatever they think. And at worst the ex-criminal will soon do something similar again, because they are out of options or feel trapped, which they basically are.

People who do things for fun or are good in covering things up, they either not get near a prison or judgement and if even, soon get released again because of connections etc.

But there are many people who became criminals out of poverty, because of wrong friends or because they simply were born into an area or family. Not to forget a lot of other reasons and that some people actually end up innocent in prison, so others can close a case and such things.

If you don’t give these people a chance, how should they ever be able to live? How should things ever get better? If you catch young people selling and or taking drugs in school, you ruin their lives instead of helping them. Why? Because the actual problems won’t get fixed, at worst they get an entry in some registers / documents and then people judge them yet again.

I mean, I have knon and seen people in school and my class taking and selling drugs and none of them were bad people, at least not really. They seemed more lost and either naive or maybe confused in this messed up world. But hey, I got controlled by police. Now I think, probably it was for the better, so they didn’t get some of them. As long as they hopefully got out of these things at some point, but I don’t know.

And the big bosses will never be caught, at least usually not. So why do you try to catch the children and teenager, when all it will do is ruin their life even more?

Instead you should maybe listen to them and give them different options and show them, that you care and not just say things. Often it is even that maybe the police or whoever who tell them to not take drugs or whatever, maybe did it themselves when they were younger. I mean, what is this? Is this a game I don’t get or just pure madness? I want neither of those, but it just seems this way each time I think about it.

And another thing, if you would be in danger, let’s say you are hanging on a cliff and then someone sees that and runs to your rescue, but turns out to be a junkie. Would you then say, no, please go away and let me fall into my death instead? Or let’s say it would be someone who one robbed a bank and killed two people. Would you then preffer to die, instead of taking their hand? Should I go further?

I hope you understand what I am trying to tell because if we don’t stop our judgements, labeling, shaming and all that, then we will probably die out as a whole or just leave a few alive again, who then might have to search for a place to live elsewhere. Or whatever then would happen.

And who says, that they wouldn’t end up in the same way or maybe hundred generations after them, in case they should decide to have children?

My father for example got turned into this messed up guy because of his family, society, religion and all. He wasn’t strong enough to fight back or see through, so he became his own slave or whatever and then tried to drag me and my mother down with him. I know he has a lot of painful experiences, didn’t get love from his parents and all these things. I know he would want something else, is a little boy trapped in his cage. While whatever monster others or he created, is acting on his behalf or just tries to make me and my mother want to die. I can’t help my father because me and my mother tried so many different things, it only made us weaker and more depressive or hopeless. I think the only thing which could help this man is that we would be out of his reach forever or that someone would kidnap him and confront him with everything he was holding back. Or I don’t know. But whenever me or my mother tried something it didn’t work. We need change and help ourselves and it is hard enough to make each other want to live and actually feel alive, which only works a few times a month maybe.

I can’t fix these things, because it is something people can only accomplish together. And I could only imagine to make things better and actual change, when with other people. Others who have seen similar things like I did or have an open ear and don’t call everything crazy, a lie or nonsense what I say, until I actually only talk such things because this is what they want to hear. I don’t want to die too soon or maybe never, but I would rather die today, than living another year in this madness.

I really hope I will get strong enough or that something / someone else gets me out of here in the meantime. But I can’t survive another year like this. An really, the pandemic is the least problem. I actually forget about it, as long as no one mentions it and I don’t stumble over something related to it.

There really are worse things than death: Dying all day long, while staying alive, but not really. Or to feel always unwanted, unwelcome, while everyone else seems to be totally fine with it.

We always have choices and I want people to live and myself as well.

Why do some people have to make it so hard for us and maybe themselves?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.