As the word break can mean something negative, like falling apart, getting hurt or destroying someonthing, it also can just stand for a pause, for resting and just relaxing. For having some fun without the need to think a lot, to decide and all the pressure.
I won’t apologize for what I have written here, only when it actually turned out to be something mean and just bad for someone else. I know that this could be the case with some of my posts. Or at least it is possible. In this cases I just want to say, that I somehow had to write this and at some points couldn’t stop anymore. So I crossed a few borders, which maybe wasn’t always okay, at least when it was about things I just assumed. Because I probably did that a few times. In these cases I want to say that I take responsibility for possible pain I caused, but that some things just had to be spoken about. Because if not one does, then how should there be change?
I don’t know how things might seem to you, so maybe there was way less negative and harmful than I thought. At least after some time and I think a lot of you know that I didn’t want to hurt others and still did sometimes or at least could be. But some things I wrote also seemed to help others or at least give a some new ideas.
Now that I made so many posts of which some or a lot also were during times in which I was completely in a tunnel or some kind of madness, I really have to hit the brakes and make a break.
I have to almost force myself to do so, but I have to because right now I came again to a point in which I was very close to completely freak out beyond return. Or at least what I feared could be such a point.
This week I was awake three days in a row or at least couldn’t remember actually sleeping. And then I also just slept maybe 6-8 hours a day ago, which is clearly not enough sleep.
And this is luckily not a goodbye, just a “until next time” or “I just need a break for now”. Maybe it will be a long one, maybe I will look for new messages after a couple of days or just short and not start writing again.
Because I went again further than I should have and no one really asked for it. I only hope that it wasn’t just me acting completely crazy and totally ignoring you. I really can’t validate that anymore and also shouldn’t do that all on my own. It was never really good and I usually felt better when I at least found someone who went through similar things. So I could at least understand myself a lot better, the reasons for my behavior, feelings etc.
I hope I made something like this possible here. And yes I did some really crazy things, but I couldn’t really see the difference at some point. Probably because a lot of people go through something similar right now or also want to warn or help in a way. At least make is visible.
I wish for us all that we will be able to make something out of our learned experiences and I also saw that some people also went beyond their “comfort” zone, or what they built up for others and themselves.
Usually we are very scared without these things and have to allow ourselves to also step back or just stop for some time again.
This year especially, but also in all the years before, it was always good and necessary that some people spoke up about misconceptions, problems, society and life and all these things. To help themselves, but also many others who might suffer from similar things.
So again, please don’t read everything in blog as if it is all exactly in the way it is written. And also know that some things might make no sense at all or at least could be very confusing and hard to understand. These things then usually where written in moods or stattes of mind in which I was not fully realizing anymore what I was doing. I hope you understand and so far people very kind and probably just confused about some things, like I myself as well.
Thank you again that you were taking or might will take at least some time to read through some of the things I wrote. Again, please do it knowing that I wasn’t always or very often sure what I was writing. At least not fully.
So things might not be completely wrong or just pure madness / confusion, but it could be hard to see the difference as it also was hard for me, which then actually lead to me writing these things to somehow handle it or make sense of it.
And now before I not stop at all, I have to stop and really stop for a long time. Otherwise I will ignore my own “law” that you should also take time for yourself and not just give and give until you are broke or dead or whatever. Today I almost blacked out a few times, a clear signal that my body doesn’t want to handle this any longer. My belly also started to hurt a lot and and all of this.
A lot of people might have headache because of others, because of work or because they do to few things, at least which make them happy. And I am someone who usually functions until I am dead or maybe even beyond.
So I will now just play a few games again, listen to music or just do nothing.
My mind is completely burned it seems, so I have to cool it down.
Thank you for understanding and until one day when I might come here again or we maybe even meet somewhere else. Hopefully in a better mood, at least when it comes to me. And for now I will take care of myself, so that I might be able to actually live some more years.
I am not gone and are also not planning on doing so, just shutting down for a while. And you don’t forget about me or at least don’t think I want to forget you. I am pretty sure you wouldn’t want me to be in pain and I also don’t want that for you, so I need this to refresh and all.
Thank you and until then!
I really shouldn’t have let it come this far and in case you have questions or just want to leave a few comments, I might answer them at some point when I feel better. For now I have to force myself to ignore it and you for some time, but not forever and also not because I want to. I just have to because otherwise I would never stop caring about everything and everyone and then die because of that. This would not help anyone and I would then just be another completely crazy dude who needs care, while I actually wanted to prevent that for others and myself.
Learn from my experiences, thoughts and whatever is on this blog. But only if it is okay for you and I am not sure whether I should let everything online. But for now I will, but I also have a bad feeling about it.