(I wrote this yesterday morning)
Today I feel a little more sane it seems, although I am never really sure what exactly that means. For me it is just when I know that some things seem to be unrelated to my thoughts and actions. For example when I think something and then either nothing related to the thought happens or depending on what it was a completeley different things. Something I didn’t expect.
And then I know that there should be some kind of normality and sanity.
So yes, you really should read my blog with a lot of caution because I myself sometimes don’t even know why or what I wrote sometimes.
Because many things I write have a point and aren’t crazy, although some of it should be thought about by others as well. Others who are also a little free and open and not just accept their own view above all.
And some of my posts are beyond everything, I myself would call them crazy, but yea…
It is just that it is that I actually don’t really want that much intelligence, but sadly I somehow got a lot of it or at least something like that. So I can make creative things, find solutions where others find nothing or only complicated things. And sometimes I make complicated things as well, which sometimes still could turn out to be useful.
But a human usually needs change in life, otherwise they could freak out at some point and get broken. I don’t want to end up like my father who does almost always the opposite of what would make sense or actually help. And even finds problems where aren’t any. Or my mother who still can escape it sometimes, but also gave up on herself for the most part because of him and because no one really understood that she always tried to hold everything together and didn’t to be anyones burden.
Being their son makes me the perfect breaking point which gave me the ability to in one way have a heart for most people if not everyone. But also gave me the big burden, that it seemed to be almost impossible that someone has a heart for me. Not meaning that I need someone for me personally, I would probably not be able to have or do that nor want that.
In my case it would probably better to have many friends with which I could be together, but better at the same time. Like playing volleyball and such things. Because although I usually felt more safe while only being with one friend at a time, there is a high risk that I could trap myself or them. And even that I could fall into a psychosis or something.
Because I never know when it could start or stop that my mind gets on the “this is all related in the same way” train / though.
The thing is, that it usually happens when I am too long in the same place or situation for too long. Which then would for example not mean, that I would have to travel a lot or something. I don’t need that, athlough it could maybe help at some point.
What I need is just constant change and variation to make my mind not get stuck. My current situation is almost the opposite of that. I am stuck in my own house, my father is completely crazy almost all the time. My mother is also very depressed and done because of her work and because of what happened to her. And so I get almost all the time the same results. This is not good at all for me. Because then my brain always gets reminded that no matter what I do, it will end in the same way. Or that it is my fault or something.
And the thing is, that from the outside it could even seem this way, but I was never really allowed to be myself. And after some time I don’t even know anymore what is right and what not. I mean I sometimes think that maybe my whole life is not existing and just a creation of my mind because of what maybe happened years ago. And most of the input I got actually supported that. Which then only supported it again. As if it was meant to be this broken.
And now that I think about it again, it sadly makes so much sense. But it shouldn’t make it. The problem is, that my mind is able to create a lot of realistic dreams, which it already did. So it could be that typing her is just me typing in my dream.
I don’t want that, I want to be alive with others and want to break free. The thing is, what do you do, when you don’t know anymore whether you are actually the problem or not?
So for example today I got some kind of sense again for what should be okay and what isn’t. And I realised that I must have written a lot of crazy stuff, at least on my blog and probably elsewhere. Maybe not everything was crazy, but switching between different modes.
And I always try to stay somewhat sane, but almost everything in my environment and even things outside of it only support the madness and broken parts of me. The worst thing is, that someone alone actually can’t really get out of this. This doesn’t mean that it is impossible and I somehow also had to, but it is very, very hard and not good. Especially when a key part of healing is to be with other people and that not everything has to be serious. For example playing with others in a pool or poker or football and such things. There aren’t many rules and it also doesn’t have to be these things. Just something in which there are multiple people involved.
The worst thing you can say or do to someone like me, is to say that I am able to do it on my own (which luckily no one did, but instead that they cant’t help me, which was pretty similar). And I also thought that I can’t get help because I wasn’t able to tell people what was going on inside me. Either because I didn’t find the right words or feared that they would lock me away or something. Because of what had been in the past and what I heard from other people.
I mean you should actually have no fear and feel safe when you are about to fight your fears and trauma etc. but when no one really can provide you that it is almost impossible. I mean in a way most people in my family either have some trauma and problems they couldn’t handle or are already busy with other things. And so I also didn’t want to make thier lives harder, as well as I thought that they probably also can’t help me.
And I am not able to find something I would need because I wouldn’t be able to search for it or it probably doesn’t really exist. There are too many variables and also the main concepts of “traditonal” life or how people usually think they have to do things. So I was left with my problems basically all alone for the most part. I mean I had to fight out of it on my own for the most part. And it is pretty difficult to make sense of things, when all you have is your own mind and a few things which somehow make sense or give some kind of peace and help.
Today I am again about to delete everything again or at least set it on private / unlisted.
In a way I also have an information overload because otherwise I get one from my parents and their problems I don’t want that either.
If for example I would be with people who are just all a little different in their own way. For example they have different interests, ideas, origins etc. then I would feel somewhat safe, in case they would also get along with each other. Like it was in this clinic this one time.
We had people from different mentalities, of all kinds. I would say almost a perfect mixture. It was never really boring, nor too much. Some people went in smaller groups for some time. And some this, some that and sometimes we did things all together. It just felt normal and good in a way.
Because where I live people are usually more or less the same. Of course also different in a way, but still way to similar. Hiding things away, fearing each other and pretend to have not much problems or whatever.
And then I often don’t know whether it is just me who is always crazy and when I think I am not, I just think that I am not. Or it actually is them or at least that they also have some things which they didn’t talk about, but I noticed.
And it is as if I am supposed to fail and do wrong in life, although I didn’t want that, wasn’t and shouldn’t. It also makes no sense that someone always makes everything wrong. I mean, it is just impossible or at least should me, when you ask me. So I have to tell myself what makes sense and what doesn’t… well yea a very “easy” task and definitely “healthy” and supposed to be this way.
So again, when it gets clear that you can only fully get out of it, when you are with others who might have had their own problems, but all are having problems of some sort, then you can open up more easily. As if you are just surrounded by people with either the same problem or “none” at all. At least none they would openly talk about.
For example if you would say that you have a problem with being with other people because they scare you, but somehow I wouldn’t, at least not like them, then you would maybe be able to slowly start to trust to open up. And I would feel good about being alive and that I can help the way I am and also would focus on you and therefor my mind would also try to find ways to help and understand you. This way I would also be able to help myself more or at least could get some “fresh” / new input and not just always the same. Because maybe you are interested in horses or in some specific topic I never really heard of, at least in this way.
This is why listening to different kinds of music and not just different songs of one genre can actually help a lot because the brain has a lot of new or at least variation as input. Because I noticed that when I for example listened to the same track multiple times in a row I felt bad or worse sometimes. And when there was a lot of difference it was calming.
Just in my actual life I had usually only little differences because of how things went. My parents never went into holidays with me, at least not really. Together as a family usually just to relatives and then also most of the time just for a few days or just one day. And with my mother as well. I can only count a handful of things which were something like holiday for me.
When we were on an island in the “Nordsee” (north sea) I think, near a lake in Bavaria and with a friend in Austria in a 4 Star hotel and also visited some places before or after that. Which was one time.
… okay I just got sleepy after listening to some music. will probably sleep now.