Random “student thought”

When I was in school there were some moments when a student was talking and not paying attention or maybe was not amused by the teachers teaching.

I also wasn’t interested most of the time, but I didn’t speak that much with others in general. I mean one teacher even was happy to see me talk with a neighbor student during class because they never really saw me talking at all. If a teacher is happy to see you talk while not paying attention to class, you know that I was really quiet.

But once in a while, as mentioned before, others were talking (big surprise… I know). So then some teachers said something like: “Do you want to stand here instead of me?”

And then they usually replied with “No” or whatever. Now I think, why did they not just agree and then call the lesson for over or just make something else with the class? I mean, the teacher didn’t say what they should do.

But I think they didn’t think far enough and also expected that the teacher would have said, that they can’t do that. Which then actually makes the whole concept of school somewhat pointless again. But hey, I already talked about it million times. If the students wouldn’t be scared and transformed into some kind of childish machines, then they would actually understand these things and maybe could simply take over the school. I mean, they are supposted to learn for life, so why not by learning how to peacefully overthrow an obsolete and dysfunctional system together? Would actually show that they can work together with others, understand that they can decide how they want to live and still respect each other. I mean, the teachers are also in a way trapped in their job. So if everyone would work together, they could actually all benefit.

Some teachers did watch movies or even went on some trips outside school and such things. But there are always these expectations, what people should know and should do. But if these things only get more and more complicated or strict, then this will only lead to more madness, depression and following consequences.

You have to understand, that people who don’t want to learn and still have things, without doing something for it, they will always try to get what they want. So school does at worst even support them, since they can just use other classmates or teachers to get what they want. I mean I have heard that some teachers gave students better grades because of their body or such things. And I mean at least half the class was usually cheating in tests anyway. Which then again makes the whole thing pointless. Because then they wouldn’t have learned something, just fullfilled a stupid test to get a grade to get a job or at least survive school somehow.

Complete madness. And the good students or at least those who actually want to do things, learn and just live, they usually either have to learn to fight back and then fail because (like in my case), then they get seen as trouble maker, while everyone else is skilled in doing these things in secret, so that others don’t notice.

And then others even earn money or other favors for getting something in return for making others homework and so on. I mean, if that is what you call normal, fun and something you would never want to change. Then you are either completely mad, have no idea what most schools are like or just can’t think for yourself.

I mean school basically teaches students and teachers (since they usually also were students at some point) that they all have to be in some way similar. Or at least that there are always high expectations and when you fail, no one will want you in the end. But that you could maybe do jobs others don’t want to do. Yay… And also that everyone has a similar time limit. So that slow thinkers, who could maybe come up with way better results or just have other strengths, lose almost instantly because they are always stressed and then work even slower. While others who are either fast thinker or simply can yell loud enough, get what they need to succeed and then forget about it again.

There have been a lot of studies, documentaries, questioning etc. and many came to the result, that elementary school students often know way more than adults. Although adults should actually know more. Which then is a paradox, but perfectly explains that school indeed makes people stupid.

Maybe not every school and not everyone, but as a usual thing because of the way it functions.

For example, what would be different from grading a student while pushing for an exam and just letting them actually learn (from their mistakes or interest in things)? Maybe hundreds of years ago students weren’t that intelligent or capable, although I doubt that. I think, they simply had not much of a chance. Now they could have, but everything seems to try to stop it in a passive-agressive way. Which makes it seem supportive, while it actually is destructive or at least manipulative.

The single teacher or school, doesn’t have to be part of it, but the whole lot of them. The collection and average result of it.

Because what does it help a student to get the best grade, after probably ignoring their health, their sanity and maybe their whole life in general, when afterwards they only get a paper and maybe a price? Only to either get a good job or break completely down and then take medication, therapy or just “overdrive” (lose their mind).

Luckily I wasn’t one of these people.

Sadly I was probably in a worse condition.

I knew what I wanted, or at least what things I would like to do at first for some time, when I was in elementary school. And some things even before that, like playing music for example or interacting with people.

These days I often feel more like a threat or instable time bomb or something, when interacting with people, but I had to, in order to help myself. And I always just hope that people not just write or say that they like me or at least want me to be there. I have had too much of these things in which people said one thing, but meant the opposite or something completely different. And then either hated me, laughed about me or simply thought I was weird, when I didn’t get it or thought I did, but responded with something wrong. At least according to what they meant.

Time goes by, time is a thing. But when people stop thinking for themselves, they forget that and only live day by day, ignoring other people, believing they are helping them. I for my part sometimes just don’t know what to say or do, especially when someone is far away. But given from what I know about them and what I feel and experienced etc. I write something. Usually these days something based on my feelings towards them. Could be sometimes confusing, but I don’t want something from others, just that they are happy and do what they actually want (what makes them feel good). But things which would also show them that they can do way more than they got told, taught or thought. Some of you around here for example also learned how to manage their websites alone, create art and such things.

Usually it is learning by doing, but a lot of people don’t even know what that means. At least people around where I live and a lot of people I found and met here and there, as it seemed. They usually look things up somewhere or stop, when they think, that they can’t do it. But then who does it, who knows and how to start, if you know (obviously) not everything from the start on?

Learning by doing means, that you just start somewhere with something you maybe want to learn because it interests you or you just want to see what it is about. There is no need to feel guilty or ashamed or bad for failing at first or hundred times. This is actually the learning part, the “failing” at something. Which already sounds pretty negative, because it shouldn’t be seen as failure in “YOU ARE A FAILURE” kind of way. Sadly this often seems this way or also gets in some way taught this way. Either because people laugh at your or pressure you, should you fail, so you can’t focus on the learning because you don’t want to fail. Paradox, but basically school and life in many cases. Be it “dating” (I personally never really saw the point in it, other than faking something to get a partner or being scared and then get help or whatever) or work or even friendship. As if you could “learn” friendship or getting a partner. You can’t because it is something you either feel or just do, or not. But using a book or example for it, usually just turns these things into robotic tasks without actually paying attention to what you personally want or others may want, feel or think.

Okay, in my case I usually blocked away from others because I was so broken, that I felt okay again. He he … oh man…

The part which is usually the difference, is when you do something unexpected, but harmless. Like for example making your own class and education. There is no point in standing one teacher in front of a group of children or people in general, which often would be 20-30 students per teacher.

I personally wouldn’t have needed school at all, just access to resources with which I could have learned. For example some books and maybe some stuff. So more something like an access platform rather than a forced “labour” camp. (I mean, yes it wasn’t just that, but felt like such a thing for me) And I knew it wasn’t good, but couldn’t really talk about it because I knew my parents wouldn’t help me out of it. They usually didn’t really listen to me, had time for me or understood me. So my attempts to tell them were pointless, if I then even tried anymore. And after I spoke with my mom about it again, she couldn’t even remember that I ever said something. But she also said, that she thought that things were more or less normal and because of her work she had not much time and nerves to think about me or such things. Because I knew, that there had been other people who got special education granted. I even heard from one guy who was already a professor in a university with age 18, while most of the students and obviously the other professors and teachers were older.

I think I even told them, but nothing changed for me… 😦

Resignation, depression, self-harming, self-hate, guilt, ignoring myself, losing my mind sometimes, willingly scare and torture myself etc. were the result. Besides the other traumatic events which were plenty.

I mean I got so broke, that just hearing my name in school or waiting for my name to be called, was horrible for me. As if I was about to get hurt and sometimes that actually happened then, but usually just inside.

I mean often dreaming while sleeping felt more like life, then this here. Which then again makes me very scared and terrified because it actually feels like a dream so often. A hellish nightmare or coma.

But why? Only because I dared to live with a free will? Only because I wanted to enjoy life and make other people happy? Only because I had a lot of great ideas in mind which I wanted to share with others? Probably… at least this is what my mind at some point believed and still kinda does. Because there wasn’t a lot of different response to it. Instead a lot of things which even supported this believed, which is more based on experiences, memory and realisations, instead of “I believe in something which I just want to have, but can’t proof” (or whatever).

For me it could even be real that we are actually all in a computer program or that I am here alone and a machine or something tries to see how far I would go. I mean, if you feel that alone and lost, this is just pure hell most of the time. And I often have to distract myself with things like playing games or listening to music and such things. Because even watching movies and series often result in me getting even more scared and kinda approve what I experienced and feared to be true in general.

As if I am not allowed to exist or something…

Or as if the “fate” or future of all humanity is on my shoulders…

I mean, if you would stop harming people so much, stop pushing them, expecting them to help you. Why not just let them be and support them with what they might want to do? Or also try something different instead.

I mean there were always people who started different things. So when someone says, this can’t be, then it should be: Why not? At least, when it is something like how people can and want to learn or do things. Because of course not all things should be done, just because they can be done. For example of course you could kill someone, often even without a lot of effort or even by accident, but why would you actually want that? Usually you don’t want it. But I think that should be self-explaining. Sadly these days there was so much confusion, that things are not really clear sometimes.

For example, when you never have been somewhere and you only learn or see this place from pictures and stories, who will tell you that it actually is like this? Like with some books for example. Some people just wrote books about how they imagined “The Wild West” for example and there is nothing wrong about it. I also like such things, just imagining, dreaming a little and see others do the same. But then people read these books and believed that these things were true, since it was in a book. In the end the author had never been there and also just wrote based on other stories or maybe books. Which then resulted in a very fictional story, while many believed that it was mostly the truth. Or at least plausible and logical. Since they probably heard similar stories or simply had even less an idea of these things. And of course usually not enough time or possibilities to actually go there and look for themselves.

When some people see something or want something to be true, then tell others and in the end history and education is based on that… Welcome in the future… or whatever.

History about native americans in the past: “They are wild, evil and brutal.”

Books: “They are wild, but a few are at least more peaceful and they know no pain and fear. And they all had feathers on their had.”

Reality: They were trading goods usually peacefully. Then they got slaughtered by spain and other european men in the search for gold, women and land. The native americans themselves actually didn’t really see the point in gold or some kind of currency / money system. So instead they either made art out of it because it was shiny or gave it to their gods or such things. And instead they just traded what they had too much, against what they either needed or maybe got interested in at some point. There probably were some fighting here and there, but not really like in the movies. At least not before the europeans came in the land.

After they killed most of the adults or made them do what they said, they “(re)educated” people into the european way of life and later “american” way of life. They taught them that they need money, only to not give them any or trick them into needed it. The same goes for Africa, there were some water sources and rivers down there, which gave the local tribes and villages water and also their animals. Then companies like Nestle decided to make it private property and block it all away. Then the people had to work for the water because they needed money to get it.

Slavery level 9000!

What school teaches us: This is freedom and people have to work to get something.

What nature was: Here, you can have everything, just enjoy yourself.

What corporations say: “Here, you can work all day, hate your life and job, enjoy it, as long as you can.”

What animals would say about this: “You are crazy, idiots who should have died out long ago.”

What people say about animals: “You are primitve, you will never accomplish great things.”

Also people: “Know or understand less than some monkeys.”

What I always wished, but only a few times happened: “Intelligence my old friend, thank you for leaving me.”

Moral of the story, the intelligence got broken, sometimes left, but never went away completely. Only that I now have a lot more problems. So better not get traumatised, ignored and “educated”. Oh wait…

Basic response: You have to deal with it, life is not fair.

Most people: School was great, I like to remember these days.

What somehow describes what I usually felt and thought, after others successfully broke me:

And then people usually tried to convince me that it was my idea or will.

Heh… 😆😶 Of course… of course.. :-/ Because everyone wants that.

Now I watched this video (it is german) about how she thought that she needed a nurse / carer instead of a boyfriend:

Because her previous experiences where usually negative because they didn’t care about her feelings, needs and basic problems. For example that she can’t or don’t want to have sex when she has her period (which is completely understandable for me, but it seems a lot of men have no empathy or understanding). And those who might have, usually end up in the opposite situation or are alone. Which could of course also be okay for people, but no one really wants to be completely alone forever. I mean, some people can live like this a long time, don’t get this wrong and it isn’t about sex at all, just to have someone who is there for you, at least sometimes. So she talked about that she also would probably more want someone who cares for her, asks her how she feels, plays games with her, spends time, maybe cooks something for her or with her or such things. And I thought, well, isn’t that what actually should be normal?

Average people: I just need a relationship to get less taxes, get money for my children, have someone for sex and to blame when something in my life went wrong.

At least from what I have heard and seen around the world. And if it is not that, then they are clueless and helpeless wandering through life, searhing for answers.

And this is not about me making either fun of people or shaming them, it is more about what I think shouldn’t be this way and also shouldn’t be what people actually want. Which doesn’t mean that they can’t want it, but it just makes not much sense to me. I mean, why would you want to have a lot of problems, hate and ignorance in your life, only to get what you think you want or need, only to end up alone (at least in a way)?

I was actually alone more often because I felt left alone and was left alone because of all what happened to me, so it was less a decision, more a defend reaction. But others often are around a lot of people, while feeling alone inside or maybe even wanting that.

So this random video was actually pretty interesting because she (probably without realising it) described something which should be normal or at least in a way be the case. While of course not exactly in the way she described it. But it was also out of her current life and situation, so given that it was pretty good. I mean she also mentioned that she would like to have this carer / nurse person also with her at weddings or family events and such things, so people wouldn’t ask her out. I mean, she basically described in this video what she needed or at least needs for the moment and also things which she didn’t and doesn’t want or like.

And she also read through the “level of care” descriptions we have in Germany. And then thought, that the second out of five would be not that bad. 😀 Of course she wouldn’t get it, since she is young and also doesn’t really need it, when it comes to the actual reason and concept of this specific care system. But still, very good thoughts she had and also great that she was able to say what she needed at the moment. At least again, from what she knows and has.

What more or less random videos can do.

So yes, “teachers” are everywhere or in my case, the ability to learn from others or with them. A teacher is also just a human who knows some things and has a lot of questions and needs. So everyone is a teacher sometimes and a student or just an observer (or other things). Although most people aren’t good observers, at least from my experience.

And I know what you might think, repetitive, repetitive. But hey, I repetitive this back to you, since most of the things others do with their life are repetitive. At least when you look at the overall things they do.

And before I forget it, I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone, at least not in a way in which many people still think it has to be. I also don’t want sex, although my body or behavior speaks something else. Because it would be a lie to say that I don’t want it at all. It is very broken and I actually was and would be more interested in doing other things and really spending time with people and learn something about what they actually want, think and feel. Like this woman in the video. She also wanted more someone to be there for her, spend time with her and such things. And that she doesn’t want someone for sex. Probably because of her previous experiences which at least in the case she described were very negative.

A little off topic, yesterday I was talking with my mother about a lot of things which happened in the past. She had some dreams and also thoughts and cried because of it and asked herself what she actually did to me or with me. I then remembered a lot of things from my past again, for example people I spent time with. It turned out, that I spent time with a lot of people when I was little. And that I really usualled felt better when I was either with only one or two people together. Or when I was in a group of people who I felt safe with. I mean I of course was also with the whole children of the village playing football and such things, but I didn’t always feel really safe or good. I assume they must have had similar feelings, at least most of them.

I also remembered that I also was playing games (board, video, card, …) with girls or watching TV and talking or just playing outside. Even exploring an old farm house which is empty for decades now. I somehow was able to spend time with everyone, even people who others usually hated, feared or simply ignored (because they seemed weird or different for them). And I didn’t really care about all that at first. Although when being in groups I also sometimes said things about people, because others did that as well. And also about me and so it was in a way normal, although it obviously didn’t feel right and wasn’t okay.

For me it didn’t matter who, age, gender or whatever. Someone new was always a new opportunity to have different experiences, learn how they live and just have a good time.

I always just wanted to be with people and just do things we wanted or they wanted. Since I usually were okay with most things, when they were not mean or bad. I didn’t much like it when people fooled others and such things.

Okay, too off topic again.

So what I meant was, that I got along with everyone. I could talk with people the age of my parents about things they wanted to talk about and maybe had no one to talk about and even older people, like my grandfather. All while I was still a child or teenager. And some people also said to me, that this was very rare and special and very thankful that I was there for them. But I didn’t really have someone to talk about what bothered me or just to help me. And instead I got told that I should do more and care more and so on. I wasn’t meant for such things like hard work and always being in or on schedule and working in a company and such things. I knew that as a child, but no one cared.

And I think usually the need for sex / masturbation (since I actually never had sex, as far as I know) comes from this loneliness inside and that it gives me at least some form of calmness. Since the other things which usually gave or give me that, seemed to be not possible.

I mean, I am someone who can just sit there with someone who plays a video game and I would watch them the whole day long. I actually did that, by watching Let’s Play videos on YouTube for example (especially Gronkh).

I mean, this could also seem kinda weird or creepy, when I would just sit there doing nothing for the most part, but yea, I would feel good then.

And then I could also just play a game or make a bike tour or something and also would feel great. When I was with others together, I usually felt good, especially when I was only with someone alone or maybe a small group. But the number of people wasn’t all that important, it was just usually in a larger group the chance was higher that someone was doing something I didn’t like. For example that they wanted me to drink alcohol or do something I didn’t want to and such things.

And like I mentioned with the clinic thing I was 5 years ago, there were really a lot of young people, since it was a child and youth clinic. And I got along with most people there if not all. I remember that the first day I think, a girl there just asked me whether I would want to take a walk with her outside. And I didn’t know anyone, while they already knew each other for a few days. So I just went outside with her and took a walk and maybe talked a few things. (I got later there because I was sick at the original entry date and so I had to get there a few days later, when I remember correct). Later I found out that the others didn’t like her and that she also didn’t want to shower or whatever as often as the others (basically hygiene didn’t matter much to her). But that first day I didn’t care about this at all.

And she probably hoped for that or maybe felt that I didn’t care that much about it. Sadly because all these people, the new environment and schedule and all was so much to handle for me, I didn’t pay much attention to this situation at first. And I think a few days later she ran away from the clinic. Probably even the police was involved, don’t remember all. But it was a big thing. And then she didn’t come back there. I don’t know exactly what I felt or thought, but I think I was confused and also felt bad. I was probably giving her hope and because I was also pretty lost and didn’t know what was happening, I didn’t realise it. For me these things were more or less just normal or okay. When someone wants to talk with me, play a game with me or walk or such things, I just did it, when I didn’t feel bad or had negative experiences with someone or something.

I mean, I am someone who has almost no standards, when it comes to people or what they do. As long as they don’t willingly want to harm me or keep harming me, although I told and showed them many times. Like my father for example (who of course is also trapped in it, but I first have to feel good before I can help him), in case he actually wants that. I just assume that he doesn’t even know anymore what I should help him with, other than the things he got burdened with or put upon himself. And I can’t help him with that, like buying an alcoholic alcohol, although in his case it is more about taking care of things like house, car, asphalt. As if things are more valueable and need more care than living beings. And I know that it was because of his parents. His father was drinking a lot, his grandfather as well and his mother had a problem with everything needed to be clean. They even had a living room, but didn’t use it, so that they could show that it is clean. I mean how crazy is that… ;/ and now I sit in this room…

Luckily I just use it. 😀

Wow… what this initial thought and short video of a streamer girl / woman with cat(?) ears made me write and think about.

And just to close this thing with something important. While being in this clinic which was for all kinds of things, from psychological problems to simpy broken bones, the things which helped the most, were not part of the clinic. Or at least not part of what they did, these meetings, and all. Some of it was of course also not bad, but they didn’t really help for the most part. When we had free time and we could play video games, watch TV or someone had an anime collection and others had DVDs etc. These things helped the most. I mean, I even danced with these people I just met at the first evening, while playing “Just dance”, or how this thing was called. These things were really therapy because we were such different people, but somehow (at least most of us) we got along. The gender, size, weight and all that didn’t really matter that much. Although of course a few times people still sad something about someone else. Usually about the two who were like little children. The boy was like this because he got hit against a wall or such things, when his father (or they guy who was supposed to be his father, don’t rememer correct) wanted him to be quiet.

And the girl, I don’t know what exactly happened to her, but she was also in a caretaker home probably for similar or worse reasons. By the way I was sleeping in the same room like the boy, probably because no onse else wanted to be with him or the personal also thougt, that it wouldn’t end well. He was sometimes a little annoying and we had a few arguments, but we got along. I even went to the nearby shop with both of them.

I feel sorry that I didn’t defend them or if so not enough. And that I sometimes maybe also had sad something.

The thing is, that I was probably the reason why this group was so successful or at least they had a more or less good time there, although they still sometimes wanted to be somewhere else.

When you give people some space, sometimes maybe also say something when you think what they think or said was confusing, but usually just have a good time with them, the talking and healing process starts on its own. Because healing actually comes from feeling good. You can’t heal when you are under pressure or feel threatened because then your whole body is blocking it. I know that because mine did that almost the whole time, which obiously isn’t good. At least I could calm it down when playing games and such things.

I think if they would have just placed a big video game hall in that clinic and made the scheduled things optional (except a few which were simply necessary, like measuring the weight or meal times, because of organisation and rooms etc.) the whole thing would have been way more successful for all the other groups as well. I mean, it usually is what is or was most focused by parents or so called professionals, was what had the least impact. At least in a positive way for most of the people. And usually it also wasn’t their fault, they just did their job and tried to do what they thought could help. The people there were good people, at least those I met, they just didn’t know these things. Probably because they didn’t have them when they where young or just thought they couldn’t do that because they were too old or something. I don’t know for sure.

I just know, that a lot of things should be different and some people also noticed that and also already tried some things. For example have I heard about a prison, I think here in Germany, which gave prisoners computers and video games. And I hope that still is a thing and maybe found some positive results. Because it really can help people and also give them new ideas and hope. A lot of things could be so easy and fun or at least way better with others who you feel comfortable with and they as well with you.

Even collecting garbage or cleaning a house or such things can be fun with a few friends or people like me. 😀 As long as you let me be, of course.

I just never was really able to show this to people. At least to the majority because I still think that most people have a lot of weird concepts, trauma and forced / weird education which gave them very weird and often painful life experiences. Making them believe that it was normal this way or supposed to be this way.

I really hope that I am not in a cell of a computer simulation just talking with myself or an AI or an alien or whatever. I mean, it wouldn’t matter that much, but it would terrify me to be completely alone or not able to communicate and show what I have to give and offer.

Because I really don’t need a thing, just that I would be able to feel free and not bound to what others think I have to do or what they want for me.

As long as I would have something to eat and a place to sleep (floor is also good xD, actually did that many times or sleeping on a bench in the middle of the forest) I would have everything I need. Just the basic things. Because I can enjoy whatever others want to enjoy (as long as it is nothing which involves harming others or themselves willingly). So not beating each other up for example. But jumping from a 10 meter board/tower into water could maybe be such a thing. So far I just jumped multiple times from 5 meter (some years ago, when I was in the IT highschool thingy). It was actually fun, although you shouldn’t fall on your back. I did that by accident on the 3 meter board and it burned for a while, as well as breathing was gone for a few seconds.

So I am very open for all kinds of things. And many things aren’t that dangerous after all. I mean water won’t kill you, you can just drown or maybe hurt yourself. At least as long as you do it in a safe environment and not in the midle of some ocean or whatever, where you don’t know what to expect.

And everything at a time. I mean, I was more or less forced to do a lot of things and since my choices where usually ignored by others I gave up on speaking up at some point. For example the first time on the 5 meter tower, I was panicing inside. And then when I was the next in line I just jumped like a statue and it felt as if I was flying into my death for a second. But when I was in the water it soon got better. And although I still have respect from this height, I almost enjoyed it after sometimes. But still don’t have to have it. 😀

So you see, that there can be a lot of things, simple, funny and curious things which actually help, are either cheap or free and can change your life for the better.

Facing fears is nowadays actually way easier and healthier than in the past because of games for example. And so I actually already have what I wanted for others, but I don’t really see it in action or recogniced enough.

Maybe it changes now or others like me also started to change things.

You have to feel good and safe to be able to heal and face your fears and such things. Otherwise it will only result in even more problems at some point. At least from my experience.

Says the guy who didn’t really feel safe, wanted or good most of his life. At least when it comes to the general state of mind and body etc.

So if I say that, then it must be true.

People: But yo haven’t studied psychology and medicine and also seem very instable a lot of the time. You can’t do that job. First make an exam or course and therapy and maybe then y….

(At least something like that would happen or partially was the case)

My feeling inside: ARE YOU SERIOUS!? *1 billion bombs explode inside*

Because I am very fast in getting along with people, as long as I know that they have no expectations from me. I often didn’t talk with people because of expectations others had in the past. Otherwise I could have know and met way more people and had a great time with them.

Let this be a lesson or at least something to think about. 🙂

But not if you don’t want to, as always. And thanks for reading or just passing by. (I really hope you exist.)

Someone who just read this specific sentence and couldn’t stop focusing on it: You didn’t have sex?!?!?

Me: *wants to scream and run away because I can’t stand when people would actually just care about this or think that it matters*

Okay… now that I wrote this “book” again, finally some music, to hopefully relax a little and maybe process some of this. (In your case.) And relaxing for us both maybe. Or just me. 😀


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