I still couldn’t sleep, I just ate something and thought again about what my brain did the last days.
In a way it feels good to know, that whatever happened here, didn’t scare people completely away from me. Although I am sometimes not sure who is a bot and who isn’t. I just know that I am not a machine, otherwise I would only work.
Okay, no, but I did almost everything what people shouldn’t do or at least got told not to do. I tried to make sense of memes and even succeeded.
And now a lot of people might think, what did this man talk about the past months or at least weaks. And I am also not sure all the time. I am just very confused about what is going on.
People usually say, that you can’t change things, then I changed something and still feel as if I did nothing.
Meanwhile some people:
I feel better now and also got a happier. And in my head I now hear the robot meme voice instead of my own, while I am typing this.
Must be normal.
Right now I just want to delete everything I did here and just sit next to a few people and listen to them talk and then maybe also say a few things and just embrace them and probably laugh or weep or cry or whatever.
And when I look outside my living room window (which is also my “office” and bed room and home cinema), I still see the same things as all the days before. At least when I see the cars and the big building. But even hear I heard a few people talking about the US Elections yesterday or maybe the day before.
But it is pretty quiet here for the most part and I also wanted to just play some music in a city / town nearby, but because I was so tired I didn’t want to risk something.
I just thought again about the meaning of the word friend and that in german it is called “Freund” and when you add two “e” you get “Freuende” or the actual plural of “Freund” which is “Freunde“. And “freuen” is being happy or basically enjoying. So friends (at least in german) are people who enjoy each other and therefor enjoy things together.
Which actual friends you feel never alone, always find something interesting and funny or just sit for a while or walk and do nothing. It gets never boring with friends.
And this is why many of you got my friends over time, although I probably scared most of you, made you hate me or just spread confusion and madness.
I am guilty, I know. But I am also just so scared and was freaking out, especially the last days. I just hope that you really want that I am here and not just tried to make me go away, but it didn’t work because I just didn’t stop doing crazy things or whatever. But when I wrote something to you it was out of my fears, my feelings and thoughts and because I really like most people. There might be still some people here and there who either just have fun hurting others or controlling them, but we are really way more and hopefully got a little stronger together this year.
I don’t know what you see in me, I really don’t know, because I only see a mess, a mad creature and partially still a monster and also a little child which just wanted to help others, but completely messed up.
I really hope that I actually helped or supported some of you and that we are really friends. I don’t want to be a monster and I also don’t want to be strong or the strongest or whatever. I am just scared of myself and what I have done. I did these things anyway now, because I just tried to do something to fight against all this madness. Hopefully things are good and I am not completely gone.
Tonight I thought again about shooting myself, eventhough I don’t have a working gun. But given my brain, I assume I wouldn’t need a gun to shoot myself. My head just wanted to explode.
Then I remembered what my mother said about headache and what her grand mother or at least someone elderly of her family said. That you have to eat and drink to make it go away. Of course not in english and it was just meant, that you give your body something to do and also to refresh or regenerate or generate. Because new cells also need some food and water.
But before I masturbated, I just have to write this now… okay…
And it didn’t really help, in the past I was addicted to it in a very unhealthy way and it scared me, although compared to other people or at least what I have seen and heard, it was normal. Which then again is not really okay for me, but I was just completely broke.
Okay… so now that this is written, I then took a shower and tried to calm myself down. The water did help a little and I could get a few calmer thoughts, but while I was standing in the shower I was between falling flat on the floor, dancing, crying and sitting there on the shower floor.
After some time of confusion I decided to sit down and then I felt like this:
While the water was falling down on my head. After some time I got up again, because I couldn’t cry or express any emotion. I got into some fresh clothes and asked myself, whether I should delete my blog and youtube channel now.
I didn’t do it, but was close to do it and well, then I got this idea, that I could eat something. I should add, that I probably hadn’t eaten in a day at least. And when it comes to proper food probably two or three days. I didn’t eat much nor drink much.
And according to my recent posts, this was a very good decision.
I also should add that I actually never really got irony and sarcasm and all these things. For me they were all more or less the same. I just understood that many people didn’t say what they meant. Sometimes so others couldn’t understand, to protect themselves, to say something mean about others without them noticing or just to share secret information in public without people who are not in the same group.
I was usually someone who either just tried to say what I meant or thought what others said was what they meant. Well, now that I am writing here, I assume that I sadly learned a lot more. And this is why I don’t want that others have to go to all things I went through. At least not for so long and not in a (maybe) permanent result of being broken or terrified or whatever I am most of the time.
I basically walk through life, since my childhood saying:
While I am the guy who stands in front of the well and also the guy kicking. Because both sides are mad. And just the kick was the difference. But in the end it also just hurt me as most things. And everyone around me was just like the woman / wife in the background.
And while I was busy kicking / hurting myself, after others successfully programmed my brain in doing so, (I assume) in the background something like this happened:
Things I wish I never would have had to see, but still did because I simply can’t stop when I started something. Except it is something which is not good for someone else. But I guess I also didn’t really fix that problem.
On a scala of 1 – 10 when it comes to feeling lost and crazy and fine at the same time, I am probably 11.
I know that probably some people think that I made jokes and I also made or tried to make some jokes, but most of the time I simply tried to somehow process my feelings, thoughts and everything around me.
And when I just thought, man, I did weird things, but at least I am going to live, I feel like shit again. While you maybe think that I am having a great time.
I sometimes actually felt better or even great for some time, but most of the time I felt <enter value here> because I am not sure. But I also felt deep love for everyone out there and my new friends and just people who left a few words and showed me they are there. Although I often thought that I was communicating with computers. I am still not sure sometimes because I am very done with myself…
If for example I would have been allowed to just do what was giving me joy, I would have just made a few useful things, would have played with friends and maybe make some useless or funny things. Then everyone would have had a great day. I would have been able to give them something to make their life a little more interesting or help with a problem and they would have given me some respect and maybe helped me with just being there. And when I needed help with something help me. What friends usually do.
Instead laws happened, parents happened, school happened, the internet happened and money happened. Not all of these things were completely bullshit and making my life even crazier and painful, but most of it, most of the time. I hope this changed or is changing now for others around the globe. I for my part, can just say, that I don’t want to end like the teacher in Assassination Classroom who couldn’t be killed by anyone, so he wanted to train students to not only try to kill him, but also learn school things. Only to get actually killed (as far as I know) by them in the end, while everyone was crying and no one really wanted that anymore. Because they learned a lot because of what was and got friends, eventhough he was the most feared monster in the world.
But actually human, before he turned into this.
I just couldn’t understand, why they had to do it and why they didn’t just let him be and maybe help him transform back into a human? At least not kill him. I mean it broke the students hearts I guess, after all what he taught them, helped them with and showed them. I think this final lesson was not meant to happen and only happened because he couldn’t accept himself anymore. He felt unwanted, felt completely nuts and broken and also destroyed the moon. And so everyone kinda hated him, although they couldn’t do a thing about him at first. So he even helped them to build tools which could kill him. (basically the anima summarized)
The thing is, that the message behind this actually was about trauma, fear and friendship. Because the teacher got robbed of his parents when he was little, which broke him and later turned him into a literal monster.
And so he tried to avoid that other children have to go through something similar because no one should see how their parents get killed or find their dead bodies or get treated like shit etc.
So he decided to be the teacher for a class of so called problem children. Children which were not right in the head (according to some) or simply had no money to afford good education or other problems (can’t remember all details).
They were mostly given up by the education system and other people, at least at first and they themselves also thought that they were not really important or could do much of importance.
But the whole process of facing their fears, starting to work together as an actual team and also friends, made them stronger because they had a common enemy, the teacher. And he was helping them, challenging them and also had to avoid getting killed by them, since it was their task to do that. Because I promised to not harm them and the other people had also no chance, so they usually just watched or tried to support the children.
In the end even some other former criminals helped the children to get stronger and grow together. At least as far as I remember.
There also happened a lot of other things, not just this, but these were the main things.
I was so sad at the end, that they actually had to kill him (it seemed).
And I thought most of the time: Why can’t they just let him help everyone help him, instead of just letting him help everyone to kill him? While most people actually just watched or continued with their weird way of living.
I just didn’t get it and the authors probably tried to tell this.
Because towards the students the teacher was always kind or at least tried to be as best as possible. And even catched a few hits willingly, to protect them, when they were trying something which would have harmed them as well.
So he clearly didn’t want others to die, at least not most people because they were also just a little broke or confused. He wanted to help them and instead of accepting it, they tried to kill him and did so when the time for it was there. When he was exhausted or simply thought they were ready.
But why should things end like this?
There is no reason for it.
Like in the roman arena, when a gladiator fought well, but got on the ground, the viewers (or prominent people) could decide about the fate. And when they wanted them to fight again, they let the gladiator live.
It was just clear, that they lost and would have died, when the other gladiator wouldn’t have stopped. So the winner of the day was clear, but both survived. (At least when it was a good fight and day.)
So I think that the stories we got told were more for us to learn, then for us to mourn. That we could decide to not die and not kill. Or at least try to avoid these things, since there are plenty of other things we could do.
We just have to use our creativity or in case we don’t have that much, just let others who have more make something cool.
Not everything has to be dangerous, but not all dangerous things have to be just deadly. For example sailing with some friends could be a fun and exciting thing to do (depending on the weather and boat of course). So maybe start with a little, or a few little boats (depending on the amount of friends) and then learn from the experience until you might be able to sail an actual pirate ship or yacht or whatever. Or maybe even build some, maybe even ships which didn’t exists so far.
Most people about sailing: Nah, it is hard work, dangerous and boring.
Also most people:
And no, I don’t mean that they are big nuclear plants. Okay now I am confused because I read “plants” … anyway. What I meant is, that their head might be smoking or burning and their heart might be cold. And that they are working in risky conditions harming themselves and maybe even the environment, while the environment might also harm them. I hope it made a little sense.
When I was sailing for the first time, I was in 7th grade in school on a one week trip on the tip of Germany. It was around Glücksburg, next to Flensburg, near the Denmark border.
Almost the whole time I was in panic mode, feared to do something wrong and at some situations the sailing boat I was in with other, failed to keep up.
So I felt even worse these times. I even fell into the water at least once, but luckily at the haven and nothing happened. This trip was almost pure horror for me. And I was happy when I could just swim in the water a little or just walk around the area or maybe watch some people play. I think I might have even played volley ball or whatever with some, but I am not sure. And eventhough for myself it was a very painful, horrible experience, as if not most of my life, I still recommend sailing. But maybe with people you feel comfortable with and also not in waters which can easily get stormy.
Because the sailing, when the weather was good and me and the people in the boat were feeling okay, was actually fun. We even played some games with the other boats, because it were little boats and many students and also teachers.
If I would have been signaled that I can’t fail, at least as long as I don’t die, then it could have even been one of the best experiences in my life. Instead it was even more horrible than school because I couldn’t just sit there and question my life. I also had to do things I wasn’t able to. About that…
So I survived and even got danish ice cream, had a good feeling in the boat sometimes and knew that I would love to do that, if I would just be able to be okay or at least have people who would do that with me. And wouldn’t judge me or try to explain things to me or whatever. I can do that very good on my own, for the most part, since I almost always had to. Others usually just gave me things I already knew in a way, so I was confused and hopeless. Because when I wanted to try things on my own, it was usually said to be either wrong, risky or unwanted or even impossible. Which most of the time made no sense. But hey, this year I developed a totally new form of sense… madsense. Great!
When you realise that a few days in Austria with a friend in a 4 star hotel, a few school trips and some visits with relatives were my holidays. And some day trips with my parents and playing with friends in my childhood or later with online friends video games. And a lot of traumatic and corrupted memory due to plenty of situations, you know I had a good life so far.
And some people around me complained about not being able to go into holidays or something sometimes. Well…
But when people said, that some people couldn’t sit quiet on a chair with an electroshoker. So they would try to use it, since they would be nothing else to do, except that, I thought: This wouldn’t happen to me. Because back then when I was younger I still had a lot of things I imagined in my head and wanted to do.
Because my life got turned into this pointless button.
Although I knew, that there were so many things.
But when you kinda accept that you will always be a problem, especially when you know or think you are not, because others then remind you:
When I think that they just want me to make my point clear:
When I realise that they don’t care about my opinions or actions, as long as I do something good, but then get caught doing one thing which is not okay for them:
What people think I meant: You played games.
What I meant: I played games.
What I also meant:
And while this might seem funny or not funny or ugly or horrible. I can’t care about these things anymore because I am at a point in which I just do what I feel and kind of what others did to me and I did because of that.
So I really don’t want to make someone’s life more painful or destroy their joy. But I also have to help myself. And hopefully others, so they can also help themselves or others, or others can help them.
Either way, I just want to have a basic good time with people and don’t die while doing so. I mean, I just feel again as if I am just a non existing or single existing life form talking with itself, himself, themselves… whatever.
Why is it so hard to just have fun with people. When I try to be open and myself or try to worked myself back to myself, people said things or found my behavior not okay. So I buried myself again. Now I just don’t give a damn about anything anymore. And I am still here, alone. Thanks…
At least when it comes to my physical being and knowing for sure that I am not alone. And I know, it might not make sense to you, but most things didn’t make sense to me either…
I had no problem interacting with others when I was little or online at first. And now I am just so confused and lost, as well as found?
I know there are people out there who hopefully exist and eventhough they might not like me all the time, they at least stay on my side and I try to stay on theirs. Love you!
And I am sorry for being so messed up, but I found no other way to help. Either myself or maybe you.
And all I wanted was to just stay myself and be happy with others.
And now I don’t even know anymore what “myself” means. Except, that I still feel alone. Not all the time and not as much as the rest of my life, but still way too much. I mean, I can only communicate here or via videos or comments and weird things.
All I would want is that someone just sees me or finds me and says hello.
Because writing here is of course also okay, but given the times, doesn’t really help with me feeling out of my body.
In the past I had not so many problems with it, but now it is just terrifying me very often and scares me. I mean I sometimes imagine or maybe actually watch myself from a third person view. Only to see myself. Obviously.
I would also try to find my way to you, in case you would want to. But I probably scared everyone away now or made them laugh about or hate me.
(I really don’t know for sure what to think…)
And I hate this silence, these repeating actions outside my window, while I walked through the forest, the streets and do things here.
A few people saw me, but they didn’t seem to know me and I didn’t know them. I also couldn’t speak. Except for “hello”.
I mean I have more problems than I can count because I don’t even remember some, until they appear again or I get reminded of them.
Only to realise that I sometimes might have a better understanding and stability than the other people.
I mean people can’t really tell me much because I already went through so much, either actually or thought given (in my dreams, thoughts, such things). I mean tell me something about what I could or should do and what I am or what I am not.
I mean if you would say that I am strong, I would probably feel thankful, but couldn’t believe it. Then I would fear that you might be in danger and boom, I am even more messed up, but don’t care that much because it is nothing new. But you would be new, so I would try my best to help you. Eventhough I would probably fail there as well… damn…
And when you then would try to say, you are weak, let me help you.
Then each helping attempt of you would probably just end up being pointless as well. Because weak wouldn’t be an insult to me, but I would think that you think, that you can help me.
Man… these concepts are very confusing, terrifying but sadly make sense, in some way.
What I try to say is, that I just need to know that my presence is actually wanted. And some of you (hopefully living beings, you never know these days), already showed me that several times. I am deeply sorry for any damages I could have caused and hope in case such things happened, it was for the better afterwards.
I mean, I am basically like a hurricane, while I myself feel like a monstes, while actually acting helpless and hopeless sometimes. But because of what I see from others and not because of myself.
For example, if we (at least if you are someone who was following me here and there and still think I am someone you would want to spend time with) would meet, I would maybe not do much or just do some simple things, talking, watching a movie, eating, feeling better because there is someone else who is not just a person.
And I would also do weird things, in case you would want me to, but only if they would be like walking around with a music box, swimming in a lake at night. Such things, nothing harmful.
I hate these things, but they follow me and attract me, because of all what was with and around me.
Or we could talk about highly complex things like the universe, science and literature. Or whatever. I am very open, but most people can’t handle it and so I was locking it all way. And breaking and dying inside.
What some people might think when they see what I did this year:
And I feel you mate, pal, friend.
I feel you…
But when I did that, others reminded me at some point or I completely forgot why I was actually doing, what I was doing. Maybe relateable.
“Anyway, I want to love.”
Why? Because there is no other way for me.
And I don’t know what you relate with this word “love”. I can just assume things. Because I have a lot of things it means for some people or could mean. But I prefer to feel and give it, in form of an embrace, listening, talking, showing and trying to say what I see in someone. Which usually is something good and potential to do things. I mean people said Hitler looked ugly, was evil and all, but I somehow found a lot of positive things about him. Why? Because I tried to analyse him without other people and their opinion or what they got taught. If they would have understood what happened to him and what then lead to things we don’t want at all, then they actually could have learned from mistakes in history.
Hitler: *wants to be an artist*
Also Hitler: *gets rejected*
Hitler: WWII + painthings.
Moral of the story: Care for each other.
People decades later:
Also people until recently:
What concentration camps said: Work liberates / Work sets you free
What work (when without your own will and heart) usually did:
(The smile means that everything is normal)
When people finally understood what it meant:
but in a peaceful way
Me trying to say that I need help:
Other people: They can still write and hold paper. It can’t be that serioues.
After the “P” makes a 180° turn and the bow changes shapes:
I hope you are not dying at the moment. I am you maybe feel less alone or not alone at all by now. If not. I really come in peace, which doesn’t mean to be quiet and doing nothing, but trying to just show people that we can change things together. And not everyone has to do a lot. In fact some people might be enough to cheer others up and some of you don’t have to do a thing at all for now, except staying alive of course.
Easier said that done, I know, but I try my best here to make your day less alone. Although I don’t know whether what I am doing here is actually helping more than it could maybe harm.
And yes, I don’t care about myself that much, but because of you or some friends and family I try to be here. I don’t even know what “here” actually means. “Here” in my room, “here” in your head, “here” on earth. I think it is not important, as long as we are still together somehow.
And I am feeling not as bad as I felt when I started writing, but I still didn’t sleep, obviously…
And no, I really don’t try to be funny, although it could be sometimes or maybe I make a few jokes here and there. But usually I am writing or trying to show what I am going through and what either helped me or hurt me or just was there at the given moment.
I just feel like I alwasy have to apologize for myself.
Thank you, in case it wasn’t necessary for you.
I am just very messed up a lot of the time these days especially.
And now, I am not really having a good time. It switches through almost all modes several times through the day. And when I try to cry it doesn’t work most of the time. Because it is too much again. Sometimes a few tears drop down.
Feel embraced or just not alone, in case you are also scared of being touched by others. ❤
I really don’t want anything from you, except that you stay alive for now.
But in case this is misleading, I would like to spent time with you, as long as you don’t expect much from me. And I can’t get bored of people who actually try to find or do what they actually want, instead of chasing things which are worthless, like money or gold. (well gold at least can be used for some things, other than counting and printing)
Some people: *eat gold*
Okay… okay… I am starting to get into “laughing to death” mode again.
I will just listen to the Medieval II music now and try to calm down.
Eh… yea.. thanks for visiting and at least respecting me as a being.