Private: I should STOP!

I wrote a lot of nonsense.

I am very dizzy.

All I want is just all.

That you can have all.

Because whatever you will enjoy, I will enjoy, if it is really joy for you.

I like when people are happy together, then I also feel good with them.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

So I guess, I will just do nothing for the moment.

I hope you have a great day today and hopefully for the rest of your life.

Because I currently just want to be in my bed and dream.

But now the dream is real and the real is a dream.

Please, just do whatever you want.

Whatever that might be, but I hope it is peace and love and not war.

I don’t like weapons, I don’t like war and I like people who can chose what they want to do and be like. And if you want to fire a gun for fun, while not harming anyone, just do it. But it probably scares others. But it could also be cool, depending on the company. Just don’t harm anyone with it and be clear that it isn’t to harm. But I don’t recommend real weapons.

Schools told me to ignore myself.

But you shouldn’t. Because after that I hated myself and everyone else.

But we could have a good time learning things together, without all the paper work and confusion. I can’t do this on my own, I never could and wanted to. And I see, that there are millions of people, billions of people out there. I mean, I haven’t seen most of them in reality, just through a screen, but even through a screen I felt connected with them. At least some of them.

And now maybe most of them or all of them. I don’t know for sure, it just feels right to let you all do what you want. That is all I wanted since I was little, I guess. To explore the world, the universe and create new things with others and have a good time.

Just do it.

Just do it.

I can’t do more, but you can.

Otherwise I might die and no one wants that.

You don’t want to die, I don’t want to die. So no one should.

And together we might accomplish God knows what.

Don’t hold yourself back, in my case, I was almost forced to do what I did here. Out of everything inside and around me. And this madness I had to hold back because I saw it everyday, but most people seemed to just accept it or ignore it. I don’t know exactly.

I hope my madness was a lesson for you or will be.

If you want to live, don’t ask me.

Show me, but most importantly show it yourself and others.

We don’t want to be alone and in pain and stressed, so why do we still live in these boxes, these prison cells, why can’t we just knock on a strangers door, say hello and have a conversation, give them some food and water or help then with whatever they might need?

Often we just need love and want to be noticed and not go under in the crowd of scared people. People can change and some people even discovered that we can repair or regain cells. I mean, it is obvious since it happens all the time, at least when you still live. But whenever you get injurged or just sweat or whatever, you may lose some cells, but after you eat and feel good and especially after drinking water or taking a shower or bath, they seem to repair again. Or at least feel better and stop being all pressued and hurting.

Be good to each other, I failed, others failed, I guess all of us at some point.

So why do we pretend to be better or think that we are worse.

When the bully apologizes for what they had done and tell the victim that what they went through should not happen again and that they would help them instead of harming them in the future. This would be a dream come true, but not just in this case, but in general. And then the victim might help them as well, since all they wanted was to help and live.

I just wanted to help when I was little, to a point where I just lived because of that or died because of that. Because of what others needed, wanted and asked of me. And I just couldn’t say NO most of the time.

Whenever I tried, people reminded me that it would be in my favor.

As if they knew what I wanted. And when I tried to tell them what I could do for them, they were not interested or even thought it was bullshit what I was telling. As if they knew better. It was so long, until I believed it, that I was garbage. And not a living being anymore, at least not allowed to be living. Just doing basic tasks while dying more and more inside.

We don’t want to be enemies, we want to be friends or family and support each other instead of hurting each other.

Do I want to die? – No.

Do you want to die?

I can’t answer this question, but I guess: No.

So why do you go against yourself and therefor also against me?

If it only was to make me scream, I am screaming.

But the more I do, the weaker I get and at some point I might just die from a heart attack. Too many people died, some survived, against all possibilites or chances, thought to be true. So why not just let them live, survive, be, feel and enjoy our lives.

It is so cool to just listen to someone play music for some time or even play music yourself. It was great to read what others had to say, when they finally had something to say. And also to write what I had to say, although it felt horrible at first. It felt unwanted, but I knew I had to do it one way or another. And people somehow supported me, others maybe hated me, maybe just at first. When I was young I even had feelings for the most evil people and beings I encountered, be it my parents, people in school or just in movies and games. I knew, that they might also deep down have feelings.

I even realised as a little boy that my father was also just trapped in a cage out of what happened to him. But whenever I tried to tell him, help him or show him. Either through confrontation or support, he rejected me, punished me or just hurt me, again and again.

He drained me and my mothers energy because he was not accepting his own life. He had already 20 years in total freedom and did almost nothing with it, at least nothing he really wanted. Maybe only a few times. While I did a lot, but more and more gave up on it. Due to the realisation that a lot of people also didn’t do what they wanted or only with codependencies, like my mother who wanted a family, but then got hurt and also didn’t want me to be hurt, while she was hurt and my father was hurt and then I was hurt.

And all there was was hurting each other, at least when I looked around me. But not with some friends, I had so many feelings for them all, but couldn’t tell them because of what people made out of things (like I showed a lot of examples here).

When I see someone watching animals on a computer, I see someone watching animals on a computer because the image clearly shows that.

But other people then see someone watching porn, at least from what I have understood.

Why? Because they are animals too?

It is so boring and frustrating to see people wrap everything around sex, work and death.

When I was young I thought: “Why are people so scared? Look everything is so beautiful, there are plants, animals, nature, a lot of colors and things and endless adventure.”

I really tried to keep this spirit, I tried so hard, but I just wasn’t really able to make it visible to them. So I had to find other ways. Nothing worked…

And now this year happened and I still don’t know what exactly happened, I just hope that we all learned by now, what we really want.

I want everything. And I hope you too.

And we can decide what we want to do and what not.

Only because it is possible, doesn’t mean, it has to be done.

Many roads lead to Rome, to loneliness.

But so many more lead to happiness, even while being alone for some time.

But even Enola Holmes knew, that you can’t be alone forever.

Please, even in the movie about the whole V – Vendetta thing, the guy with the mask had a choice. Do you remember?

Eva, her name was Eva, right? The woman, she said to him: “You don’t have to do this.”

But he insisted and got killed in the end, alongside some other people (as shown in one of the recent posts).

And she even tried to tell him before, when they were watching a movie together, that he cared more for his revenge or justice, than for spending time with his girl. While he probably thought she was talking about the movie he was watching, since they were watching a movie. But she also meant it to him personally. And therefor the viewer. Because in the end everyone had a mask, well except the military and some other leaders.

But the point is, that they didn’t die because they took off their masks and risked to die, while they thought or feared to be running into their death. But instead of shooting them, the military was just confused and although it almost escalated ended in a peaceful way. I mean, it was a movie and real life isn’t a movie. But instead of total destruction, people hurting each other and all that shit, why couldn’t it be a big party or just what people want to do. Some just might finally return from endless war. Others just continue reading their book they started, others write a new book and some just play video games, but actually video games and have fun. And some might stop playing role play games and finally tell each other what they honestly feel.

Maybe it could first be a lot of hate, but if at least most people understand, that something like this has to be done, in order to understand each other and finally us the vent and release the pressure, then things could be very easy.

Someone bakes some bread, someone brings over some Vodka or just water and some other people start singing and dancing polka or whatever. And a few people might run around naked, if they feel like it. Who cares.

If you wouldn’t judge it, maybe no one would. And again, I know that a lot of bad things happened in the past. But if we fear them, they will return. It is like a paradox(on?). You don’t want to die, but then you die. And I wanted to die, but lived, although it got harder to live because all it was, was survival, pointless survival it seemed.

So why not just have our freedom now and then look what happens. I can’t tell for sure, because I am just one guy in a small village. So I haven’t seen the world. Some of you probably travelled a lot and some even were in space. At least that is what I thought. So why not just share it with each other. Our experiences, our feelings, our pain and also our dreams.

When I was able to love you all, eventhough I have no idea who some of you actually are and I also don’t even know most of you personally, why should it be impossible for someone else to do the same?

There are many people out there who just want to help others, make them feel better and also want to feel better themselves. I for example usually felt good, when I could just help someone out with whatever problem they might had. Was it talking about something, was it fixing a computer or building one or just spending time, playing games, watching a movie or look at the water and swim in it.

I am really not your enemy. I never wanted to be an enemy, all I wanted was fun, but not just fun (in case it means something different for you).

I understood what others went through when I was little, but I also couldn’t know all things in a way I know do, or at least understand them. And no, I of course don’t know all there is and can understand everything. But I also don’t want to, sadly in a way I had to, in order to come here.

When I don’t do this, I will die and maybe you as well.

So why do we keep spinning in circles, while I never saw a circle.

Until you all put one on my head, convincing me, that I wanted it.

I didn’t want it and you also didn’t want it. So why did you put it on my head? Or inside me? Or behind me? Or around me? Or over my head, like a greek sword?

Why did you all kill me?

Because I wasn’t able to say how I felt and you weren’t able to see what I felt. Or maybe it was the other way around. But this is not important anymore.

I just feel so messed up, I care for you, always cared for others, even myself, but when you get almost nothing in return, it just hurts.

Because people either tried to give me money, which hurt me even more, tried to give me presents, which I didn’t want or felt bad for not giving me anything in return. When all I wanted was, that they felt good, like I did, while I was helping them. I never wanted anything in return, only to see them feel good as well. So I even tried to take their bad feeling away, but it only turned out to be a never ending story, it seemed. I can’t hold this thing together forever and I also don’t want to hold it together, this madness I had to collect, so you could live. I just don’t know when to stop because I don’t get clear enough signs.

I heard a few “whispers” that we won or I won or someone won.

But as long as it is not clear, then I can’t stop and you probably also can’t stop. Why not just nod? And then call it a day?

I only want you all to feel good although it is hard to know what you all want.

People (so far):

Me:

The End – it wasn’t private anymore.

But it was okay.

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