Women can’t win

I have heard, believed and seen otherwise.

So why are there still so many who believe they can’t?

Do you know what one common excuse and “explanation” for “women can’t lead” is?

When they get their period, they are not trustworthy and could get emotional. (or something like this)

Religious people, preachers (to just name a few) use this to explain why there should only (or mainly) be men leading.

I as man or half-man thought, but isn’t this like shooting yourself in the knee?

Why?, you might ask. Well, a man can theoretically always be untrustworthy, distracted, manipulated or gets “emotional”. And a woman only a few times or maybe not even then, since it is more a myth than actual fact. It only works, when everyone “works”, believes and does as told or expected.

What do I mean with this?

Well, isn’t it obvious?

Let me find an example.

When a man sees a woman without much cloth on, he could get distracted. Tbh, this could happen to me real easy sometimes and I am not proud of it.

But when a woman sees a man without much cloth on, it might even make her laugh or just confused.

Only an assumption of course, but maybe you get the point.

You can use words to weaken or strengthen you, since you decide in which way you take, understand and want to use them.

This way the whole “card game” falls apart, since the man fooled himself, yet again, like always.

I really shouldn’t be taken as a source of justice, freedom and trust. You don’t even know what is in my head, so how could you tell I am on your side? Or do you know and I am just the fool who didn’t get it, like always?

If I would be a woman, I wouldn’t trust a man and also not every woman.

I would probably be alone at first.

But you can use things for your own advantage or even for those who can’t fight themselves. And you decide how far you want to go, for them and yourself.

Even a mad man can hit a target, but what about kind one?

And no, the gender, doesn’t defy you. It could only hold you back or trick you, into thinking you are less or more than someone else.

When I was younger and had some heart attacks (or so it seemed) and my chest was hurt a lot, my mother sent me to the doctor.

I wasn’t able to really speak up for myself (you know, trauma, messed up mind, you know the story). And he meant that I was just growing, since he didn’t really know what was going on and sadly me neither at that point. I only knew that my heart often hurt a lot, like knifes cutting through it.

But he said something about, that I know that I am a man.

The irony is, that I of course knew, that I was seen as such and mainly are a man, from first appearance. But remember my exceptional high voice as a kid (people laughed about it or wondered). And even my mother said, that many girls / women could be jealous about my eyelashes and some might have a deeper voice than mine. Only to hear some girls talk about me, while I was passing by, that I had bigger “breasts” than some girl they knew.

I usually didn’t think of or gave much to it. (I did… was confused, hurt and only more willing to hide away.)

And when other boys or men expected me to be strong, I was weaker, eventhough I was much taller than them. But I was able to hit fast, move fast and run faster like them, eventhough I wasn’t trained and they should at least have had more training than me.

And I still preffer to feel as a woman, than to see myself as a man, although everyone else (so far) who knows me, sees me as such.

Not only am I splitted in mind, I am splitted in half, in general.

I have the talent to fool myself in front of others.

I have talent to break things.

I have the talent to shock, confuse and make people hate me.

And I have the talent to surprise people.

At least sometimes, it seems. Sadly it doesn’t mean that the surprise is always good. Usually it is more negative, at least for me in the end.

Any way… yesterday I watched some Stargate again.

And I got remembered that it is always worth it to strengthen yourself (which doesn’t mean that you should ignore your feelings and punish yourself if you couldn’t do a thing, which might not even have helped you).

In this one episode (because of a real bad misunderstanding) one of the team members was separated from the team. They fought and some people they first wanted to search for as possible allies, didn’t know who they were and so they fought. This one guy was then brought to their lord / ruler who then decided that he should first get strengthened to later fight and die in a 1 vs 1 fight against another of their warriors. As some kind of atonement for the (thought to be) taken life of one of theirs. Long story short, he did as was expected from him. He trained with one of theirs, knowing they would not spare his life no matter what. But then someone else reached these people (an actual enourmous and dangerous faction, who eliminated everyone and everything which tried to stand against them). And so this one guy tried to warn these people, although they still wanted to kill him. Especially the one who trained, healed and gave shelter to him, only to realize in the end, that this man who helped him, was the brother (of the thought to be dead warrior), who he had to fight later. But this man believed him, although he still thought he killed his brother at this point. And so they fought, but since this warrior was good with plants, he gave the other one some kind of poison, which would make his heart beat real slow. Not really noticeable by a human. And so they faked his death and since they fought, it seemed everything was clear, for the rest of these people.

I forgot to mention, that these two had a conversation, before the Stargate team member knew he was the brother and all. And the brother asked him, why he was training so hard and actually following his orders, knowing that he would die anyway? And then the other said, that he already survived a lot of things, which were said or thought to be killing him. He also meant, that when you accept “your fate” then it is sealed, but as long as you give it a chance, things can always turn / change. (Maybe some other words, but this is what he meant.)

You know, I am telling about these episodes and series (and also some other ones) because I think it is actually something which should be seen as educational. And because I am very sad, that it seems, not many people know about this series and these things at all. If you would watch it or even be able to, I wouldn’t have to write about it. Sadly even people I know personally, had not much interest for it, nor an idea of what it was. Probably only assumed it was a basic sci-fi thing or even military propaganda, when quite the opposite it was. I tried to explain it, even show it, but still, no interest, it seemed. It really made me sad (to say the least).

Why is it, that the best things are usually ignored, hated and not noticed by most or not understood? And this series actually brings up (or in some cases questions) a lot of common / general knowledge. I mean, isn’t it that humans usually first have to see a thing to believe or understand it (and such things)?

In another episode it was about a “game” in which the ones on Atlantis played with actual civilizations, without their knowledge. And then they made actual people fight and hate each other, while they mostly lived in peace before. The intersting part was, that although men “played” the game, a woman which was called as the leader of one of the civilizations / countries (“part of the game”), first followed their orders, but when they told her, that it was not meant this way and she should think for herself, she tried to kill the other civilization (which was lead by a man) with bombs. While the others tried to outnumber them with troops.

In the end the Stargate team had to fake an “endgame” scenario to show both of them that they would have died and gained nothing this way. And then they understood their mistake, they trusted machines and Gods more than themselves. And ignored their common history, friendship and that they should and could help each other, instead of fighting. Finding solutions together, rather than creating new ones.

And it was said, that there shouldn’t be so much power in the hands of one man (or woman), or in general, in just a few hands.

The whole Stargate series is basically education in ethics, morale, science (at least in some cases), friendship, thinking, economy (or how not to do it), war (and how to not do it or that it is shit), the meaning of life (in various forms), possible ways of life and one of the most terrifying and beautiful things mentioned (besides a lot of others): “There is no such place / planet than earth.” (at least from the meaning, in case I failed the quote, as usual)

Oh and I finally watched Enola Homes. Pretty good movie (at least for me), but the ending was sad (at least for me). And in case you have watched the movie as well, I guess you know what I mean. Or did I get something wrong (as often?) ?


Like some of my secondary school class mates asked the teacher: Why can’t we analyse what he writes or talk about it?

I think the same should go for these things. Which sometimes happens, but when it happens usually because the teacher wanted to talk about it or felt the need for it, not because it was meant to be taught (this way).

Sometimes I thought, when more people would play a few video games and watch some of these series and movies in school, instead of teaching a lot of things which will be either forgotten anyway or never used, we could already have our dreams be true. At least the good ones. 🙂

Some teachers showed some interesting movies in school, at least in my case. Like with “The boy with the striped pajamas” or one girl who actually read the book and presented it. And “Der Untergang” or even Krabat, both book and film. “Der Adler der neunten Legion” (The eagle [of the ninth legion]), book and film as well. “Das kalte Herz” (the cold heart) written story and movie and many more.

What had they all in common? – Look to the left and you know it. The appearance isn’t what you actually should see.

An angel can come dressed up like the devil, a shadow or darkness itself.

Don’t judge by your eyes first impression, when you could sense what is hidden beneath the black coat. A heart of cold, often broken in pieces, purple as the mixture of red and blue.

The expensive seeming, golden ceramic house with lights my mother got as a present this first advent, it broke before she received it. The other house, her other sister bought for her, was out of metal, colored as an old (half-)timbered house and was meant to be lit by candle light. It survived the travel and lit our living room when we watched Stargate yesterday.

Although it might be a coincidental story and sad for the golden house, it reminded me, that not everything “gülden” (golden, poetic) has to be out of gold. (I mean, I know that, but maybe some people need a reminder.)

For me a whole forest is gülden, if gold would still be, the best you can get. (Which it isn’t, but I think you know what it means.)

Bringing things together and finding common ground, usually made a better living, if actually everyone had the same right and got noticed.

Sadly there often was the expectation, that someone who can’t speak (for whatever reason) is not intelligent or worth the “extra trouble”.

But with a friend, even a language barrier, might be a fun challenge and instead of “trouble”, might be exciting. One might judge and argue, that the hand movement is weird, the signs not decent for proper communication, while another one (or many), might think it is a wonder.

(I want to cry / weep again.)

I really hope we can live in peace (not silence, but marvelous variations of creativity, sound and expression etc.) together. In a way we already do and always have. Most people just didn’t want to see, to know or understand and others kept quiet or weren’t heard or got silenced in many ways.

I hate my words, since they won’t change a thing.

But those who read might do and maybe you.

Unlike me, who still rots in a seemingly golden cage, you might be more free?

You: If you would know…

I know… but even two birds in separate cages can sing a song and keep each other company. Maybe one day they will sing and fly out there, like others before them and calling their names.

Too dramatic or poetic? I know … sorry. I really shouldn’t write so much of these things, I guess. It could make me seem as if I don’t suffer or just want to seem interesting or whatever. Could I just live, I would probably never write nor speak again. But then, what would it help? So better not wish for it. 🙂 ❤