After I finished the series “Barbarians” now, I feel a deep sorrow, but also relief.
The end made me cry and feel bad again. How (obviously) one enemy got defeated, but then another one arose through the same mistake. Maybe not even knowing that he was about to make the same mistake.
There are always multiple messages in these kind of stories and besides the historical factor, it is more uptodate than I wish it to be. But actually I wanted it to be, to show what was and what shouldn’t be and instead could be.
A change in things is good sometimes, but not always for the better. Sometimes changes make things so much worse than they had been before, if you don’t know what was wrong all before. Many victors learn from their enemy and then think they are wiser, stronger and better than them. But they then all forget at some point, why they were living after all. Or whatfor and until when?
It is painful to see, that we still live in such a crazy world in which so many things are too broken for many ro realize or handle. You have to take drugs to handle it, have to shutdown to forget it, build up walls until it all falls…
At first to survive and it is often necessary, since most people do it as well, if they aren’t hollow already. But the flaw of the story is that you forget the weapons you use. Some maybe say, that they have a better weapon, a more “humane” one or others say, that theirs is special and holy. But I ask myself, knwoing the answer already, why is it, that after all, they all look and do the same? At least those, so many used to have, to use and want.
Whether you throw a spear, a knife or just a stone. They all kill or cut and destroy.
Then you look at words, at grins and movements of hands and see weapons as well. They kill, they cut and destroy.
You see crosses, stars, good morning stars. There are waves and water and falling fires with tombs of gray and thunder. They kill or cut and destroy.
So tell me. Did the leaves ever harm you? Did they kill, cut and destroy? Yet they fall as well, change colors from green to yellow and brown and red. Then they fall down and die and get white on the ground until the insects eat them or the earth embraces what is left of them. And then they might be gone from the surface, but what went down towrads the roots of the tree, will grow again, in all shades and tones of green, after a winter of black and white and a lot of gray mud what once was snow and water.
Based on your weapon of choice, you will die or live. But is a weapon even a weapon, if it doesn’t kill, cut and destroys?
Could it be more like a healing touch of a feather or soft paws?
Maybe a tear out of joy or deep sorrow?
Or what would be a beating heart without all this frost protection liquids running through it, while it still burns on its own?
I would call these weapons as well, but I don’t think the word “weapon” makes them seem bitter, fearful and just hearing it could make them seem, as if they were meant to kill, cut and destroy as well. So if they should heal, but still be weapons, how can that go together?
Only in a fight which is not about winning at all. As long as you have to win or want to win, someone else will always have to lose for it. But only if it is for you to win and you to rise. What if you never wanted that? Or what if you did, only to realize, that you got nothing at all, nothing left after you “won”. Then you still could have won for a reason, to show others, to not make the same mistake. And make step down from this lonely throne and just live, instead of trying to decide above and over the lives of others.
Why do you live?
I lived or wanted to live, to be with family, with friends and meet many, many new ones. And in my trial to have fun and happiness while figuring things out, I was also lost because I couldn’t feel my heart anymore at some point. Not because it didn’t start well, but because I lost it.
I had no expectations for life, at least not really. But I got told so many things, that I was confused and couldn’t tell lie from truth anymore.
I was doomed to ignore things, a lot of things. At first to protect myself and my heart and then just to survive, after even the heart was no more. Because I had to protect it so hard, so immense that it had to air to breath and the flame went out. The flower lost all color and fell on the ground and the tiger was lying down all paws away, like a dead fur, like a carpet. And then everyone walked over it, walked passed it. What for, for how long? It seemed forever, never ending and still it feels like this so often.
And I would be a hypocrite, if I would say, that I don’t enjoy watching naked women or not just that, but all of it. But I can’t help it. Be it an addiction, be it nature, be it obsession. One day I am feeling like a woman myself, sometimes strong, sometimes weak. I don’t want all this, just want the plants grow, the birds sing and forget all other thing. And then I enjoy it to watch the bodies move, as if there hadn’t been anything else I enjoyed before. As if I wouldn’t know, that it all was just a crazy play, a painful way to live a day.
And I blame myself because while it breaks me, I also enjoy it. I know where it comes from, I know that there are so many who just see it as normal, as a way to live. I know and it breaks me. It breaks me, that people have to hate one another to survive or that they die, if they decide to give love and hope instead. That the good ones die, cry and turn into monsters in order to survive in these lands of death.
I don’t want all this, but I am scared of it all. I can’t handle it all, it breaks me. It is as if I see everything I did, others did and what was and will be. And I know it can’t, shouldn’t be possible, but it feels this way. And I only see the same thing, over and over again. And what breaks me the most, that it seems right to think, that there should be death. As if it was a law, a rule of life. And then all of life, the way in which it turns out to be (so far), is only death, always and all the time. As if they were the same, only had two different names. Maybe two ways to see, but in the end look the same, like twins. At least a little like it.
And no, this is not life. I know it isn’t. But most do believe it is or can’t be different. What do they fear, what do they want?
In german the word choice is “Entscheidung” and if you remove the “Ent”, not to confuse with “End”, then you get “Scheidung”. And “Scheidung” is the word for divorce or a division. when something gets divided.
But if you just follow your intuition and maybe have a happy day with your friends, then all these “pholosophical” or whatever things, are so boring, unimportant and something to laugh about. Why is that, why should that be this way? Because it is only painful to think about it, when you think it has to be this way.
Someone: But this is a very serious decision in your life, you have to think about it very carefully.
Other one: Well, yep, might be, but I already know it was good.
Someone: Really, better think again, it could turn out wrong and very hard to deal with later on.
Other one: You must know what you are talking about, I guess.
Someone: You don’t even know what you are talking about. Live as long as me and say that again.
Me: I don’t need to, to understand it. What I want, is a change and I am not alone with this.
Someone: Then you will go down like all the others.
Me: And what about you? Won’t you fall? Or are you already fallen, so you think you are wise?
Someone: I have experience and knowledge, I know way more than you. So don’t you tell me what is life and what is not. Who put these stupid thoughts into your head.
Me: You did, you with your life.
Other one: And because of this, everything burns. The forest burns, Rome burns, the animals die, the people die, the air gets toxic, the rain as well.
Me: Now tell me, should I die right here or live in fear?
Someone: You shouldn’t think like that, everything will turn out good in the end. Just wait and see, you can’t change the way of things, can’t fix it.
Other one: Then why am I here? If it all is pointless.
Me: Only to see you and your glorious way of ignorance, of pain and repetitive forms of life and death.
Other one: Isn’t it all the same now? A big pile of shit?
Someone: The day will come, when you will understand, that not everything goes the way you want it to be.
Me: Then tell me, do you know what I want?
Other one: Can you see what I really want?
Someone: You want to have everything.
Me: No… Because when you say it, then you mean, that YOU want everything for YOURSELF. Just for yourself, as if you were the only one alive.
Someone: You should start to get realistic.
Other one: And you should start to feel alive again.
Me: And I should finally be allowed to feel this way as well. And not only when I can get the inner flame to burn again. Not a flame of fire, although it is warm like it.
I know that what I feel is right, at least when I feel whole.
I know that what I have seen possible is good and that we would all want it to be.
I can’t wait to have it with you, since it would never get boring.
But I get reminded that it can’t be, although I know it is a lie. Told out of unknowning, fear and hopeless trials to explain misery.
I am just so scared, that it won’t ever be and always just stay a dream. And that so many will break below it, like many before me or with me right now.
I know there are some who are stronger than me, kinder and better and many who wouldn’t wait to fight for it by force. But then it would all be for nothing, like all the times before. So many are fighting for this future together. Please don’t give up.
I don’t know how it all will turn out, maybe you know better. I just know how it should be, in a way. A feeling, a few scenes like in a movie, but not movies, but better, way better.
I am so tired so often. I can’t do this alone and never could. And you out there might be alone as well or hopefully not. I mean, I am also not completely alone. It is just that there is no limit inside of me, but I feel the limitations all around me. All these boxes, all these cages.
I wouldn’t want or need to be somewhere else or gone forever, if only I would know that you out there will see this bright future. Especially if you waited for it so long or even longer than me. I don’t need it, I never wanted it for myself. It would be so lonely, pointless and lost to have it all alone.
I just want it either with you or that you with others can have it.
And I hope that I and that you and all others who want or wish for it, that we won’t die. Won’t have to die. Some of us already faced death, not only once. I think we paid enough, while there actually shouldn’t be a price for life to be paid. It is priceless after all and shall ever be. So please stop putting a price onto it. As if only a price makes it worth it to be lived. It was already hard enough without it. And could be so bright without out it. Let it be beight, let it be and let us be. Thre are countless things we could do together, so many things we didn’t even dream of, only some of us.
I can’t stand this gray bitterness. This dark “serious business” kind of attitude, as if there can’t be another way. Many people have already shown, that there are plenty other ways. Sadly the evil and destructive ones, were the ones who usually won. Because they always thought they were so much cooler, stronger and clever, by using the weakness of the other ways against them. No matter whether they wanted to even fight back or not. I didn’t want to fight because I knew it was pointless. And when I did it anyways because I got told by many to do so, I lost each time, since it was indeed pointless. It broke me because I thought it was me who was wrong, who was weak and stupid to think, that this shouldn’t be the way of life.
It broke me and I am so scared that it will always stay like this. I know it shouldn’t and hopefully wouldn’t and I am trying my best to make it happen. So please be kind … please, because I didn’t want this mess of a life. And I guess you feel the same. I know some of you do. And that most think, that it might never change.
I will maybe always stay a little broken, but I know that with friends or even people I just met for a day, I felt so free, so alive and myself. I even forgot, that it was different just a few days or hours before.
Everything is better, different and easier, when you do it with friends and people who could be some at some point. Because what is a friend before you know them? Aren’t they a stranger, a foreigner or sometimes even an old enemy? Aren’t we all tired of always having to do things we don’t want to do? All this fighting, shouting and pushing against the walls?
When the bell rings, the clock ticks and the machines are running, don’t you want to just sit down a little or play a scene from an old movie sometimes? Making it clear how obscure and silly everythong os. whoöe ot still forces you to go against yourself? As if a the “ring” of the alarm each working day, would make you jump down a cliff, without a question because there is no question which could make the “ring” change its sound. So you have to do what it says, every day all the time. Isn’t it silly, isn’t it mad? It just makes me sad… so sad and messed up. Because you could just turn it off and sleep, but instead you follow the beep. Until there is only the beep and you are no more.
I don’t want to die alone like all the others, I want to live with those who will live. Why can’t it be? Why shouldn’t it be? Please, let it be.
Be safe out there!
Don’t lose hope!