More (smart) words will fix the problem

I don’t like it when I have to use smart words.

I actually don’t like it to use words at all.

But when I can use them to encourage myself or others, I can write and speak and dance with them.

But I think I will still always not like “smart” words, those which should seem to represent something of importance and sound magical. And then they are just something to build a story around or towards.

So I ask myself, why do I write instead of doing something.

The answer is simple, whenever I did something, it either stayed unnoticed or I got told that it was unimportant, so I should better leave it alone. And it isn’t that I want to be noticed and I would hate to be famous because it would give me nothing. I just would feel better, if what I can do and did was of any use for someone.

Isn’t it sad, that some people write books, build up companies, but only to gain money, influence and power?

All I want is actually helping others without stress and the need for return.

Which happenend, so I know it is possible, but pretty rare. And the problem with it is, that it can make you tired because at some point you might not be able to stand for yourself.

Why is a smart word not helpful, but sounds great?

Because it shall suggest high meaning, importance and help.

For example “healthy”.

It is a word which is often used, especially these days. But what does it really mean? Most people expect others to tell them, but it is not possible. It can only be explain with examples, but not really said to be this or that.

One might be a smoker the whole life and lives decades and decades on, longer than others who never smoked nor drank or alike. And then you get people who die of cancer while just a few years old.

According to some people, some things are “healthy” and others are not. Some people are actually good for you, but most things are relative to your own believe and attitude.

One of the main strengths of life, especially human life, is to adjust to changing environments. So why is it said to be healthy to do this or that, when there is only a way of health one has for themselves? When you like to smoke and you might feel good otherwise, maybe you will get very old with it. But then smoking itself would still be not good in many ways. Still, you might not die from it or the possible consequences like lung cancer.

You have to imagine the body with all the cells and little organisms etc. working together (more or less). When you really want to be healthy, you listen to yourself, what you need, instead of what you think you need, after others told you about what it good for you. They can’t know it, even if they really want to help you. It is for example something else to say something about certain natural things like specific plants and their known abilities. That some leafs with hot water give a great and calming tea and others might even help against some health issues. But usually the environment in which you grow up, has the plants and sources for you to feel good. Well… and then you grow up in a city and have no idea what plants can do. (not me, but maybe you)

So for example, it was said, that children often know what they need. And this means, that the child might sometimes want the same food over and over again or at least something similar, maybe for a whole week or two.

But if then someone comes in and says: “You have to eat what is on the table.” or “You have to eat different things each day.” and then forces them to eat what they don’t need, it obviously isn’t healthy. And the worst part is, that it could be healthy for some people, so they assume that it must be for everyone. And there is also the problem, that children usually need other things than adults because they are growing and therefor need food for growing. For example protein or maybe carbohydrates. Some children didn’t really get the right food and maybe also had other circumstances not appropriate for their growth, so they get deficites in some areas. And this is just about body in general health, not to speak about mental health.

Smart words will always try to tell you where to go, what to be, what to get, but in the end it is always you yourself who can only know for sure what is really good for you. Often people got already so brainwashed or lost, that they don’t know that anymore. So they fully trust others or their advice because they assume that they must know better. But all they can do is also just assume upon some values and experience. Which can then sometimes actually help in a way, but will never fully give you what you need.

For example, if I would be an robot and you as well, but we had a few different wires, parts and such. And now I would for example have some electrical units / parts which need a specific level of voltage, have a certain resistance and such things. Then one of them is struggling and then I would ask you, what to do about it. You maybe would look at it and suggest something from your experience. For example to lower the power level and then see how it goes. Because you once had such a thing and in your case it helped until it was fully repair again.

But then I try it and while this one part might be able to repair and handle the damage for some time, then some other parts start to break as well because now they didn’t get enough energy because I reduced it for the other part. So in the end I then have one part which repairs, but now three others which are breaking because of this. And then I would ask you again. And then you would maybe say, well, then try to make a work around and set up a new circuit for the other parts. Then you could lower the power for the first broken part until it is repaired and let the others continue with full power.

And when I then would try that, it might work for some time or at first, but then I already had a hard time trying to make a new curcuit for them, while the structure was better before my manual changes upon your suggestion. And then I realize, that now because of the new wires, another tiny part gets confused and sometimes overloads, while before I didn’t even notice it. But because I had to put the new wires there, the additional electromagnetic field was too much for it. And then I would ask you again for help, but then you obviously would be out of options and me as well. While I then would be in a very weird, even more broken state than before and got no real help at all. Instead a lot more additional stress and problems, I didn’t even had to think of before all this.

In a worse case scenario this would then continue with asking other androids and go on and on until I would be dead. And usually this happens to people at some point.

But what could and should happen, is going back to the start. I would undo the changes, until I would have he original situation. Then I would go through the different numbers, dependencies and structures and figure out what went wrong. And then I might find, that it was due to me ignoring a lot of warnings and some error messages from the error log. I would then finally go through them and discover that the maintenance was already overclocked, in a trial to keep up with the amount of pressure and work I put upon the machinery. So the part and went broken because I overclocked and therefor partially send too much energy towards it, causing it to melt a little and overheat. You wouldn’t have been able to know it, because you have a different, maybe similar, but still individual blueprint. And it might have been even hard for yourself to keep up with your own parts, so it is no wonder that you weren’t able to help me fix mine.

But the important thing would be, that after all, the problems got solved and I would be able to do things again, how they used to be. Although now with paying attention to the warnings before they turn into fatal errors.

And by my example maybe you would then also see the possibility for such a change and therefor we still helped each other, although it wasn’t in the way we first assumed it would be.

This of course all while I just wrote about you and me as robots / androids and maybe friends or engineer to AI. Or whatever you want.

It was an example for how things actually work.

And people with new or individual problems usually find individual solutions. Often on their own or with friends or family.

Because they know what they need and is necessary, so they try until it works or they at least find a way to live with it. And then it might inspire others or help them, knowing that there was hope and a possibility for them to find a solution.

For example, if someone wants to run, but can’t because the heart isn’t capable of running anymore or at the moment. Then they could say, well, I won’t ever be able to run, the doctors also said that I won’t be and so it be.

Or they could maybe stick together with their friends or family (assuming the have some – which also are supporting them and not the opposite) and work on a way to make it possible. One might then even build some kind of mech-like suit to wear and use. And then they could maybe even run together and maybe even sell that to others, when it should be a success. And in the end all the fun and joy having with these things and developing them together and all, could also heal the heart and give it more strength again. So that in the end it might not even be needed anymore, to use these suits for running, but instead just run on your own. And then you could still run with these mech-suits, but just for fun and because it would be cool. 😎 😀

And in the end you would not only have made it possible to run with your friends and enjoy life again, but also actually through that heal, although the doctors and everyone else assumed it won’t get any better with your heart. And maybe even conquered a new market or inspired and motivated a lot of other people around the world to do the same.

All because you had a heart desease. I mean, think about the possibility and imagine it. Or someone else who might be in this situation.

And trust me, relatives from me had many cases in which the doctors said that they might only survive a few weeks or years and they are still here decades later. Not to forget the great story someone told in a TED talk once, about how his grandmother was also in hospital and said to die soon. But she insisted on having a peanut butter sandwich. She really wanted one, while the doctors said, that in her condition it would probably harm her even more. But the guy and his grandmother still made it happen, he brought bread and peanut butter and she made it herself and ate it. And years later, she was even with him at the TED talk, living her life.

So it is really important to listen to others and also try to understand them or maybe change your view on things. I am sure the doctors, in case they were honest, also had to rethink some things, after that incident. I can only hope.

I know they also try to help, at least they should, but as long as they only do it on given things and without real attitude for change and new approaches, they won’t be able to really help. Only support at best. But support might not even a thing, when they think they know better than the patient.

I mean some patients might actually not know anymore what is good for them, but then you could at least try to find some common ground instead of assuming that something helped although it might have been a hoax the whole time. There were even studies about placebo effect and that often people got help when taking placebo pills, when the doctor also didn’t know they were placebo. While in the end it was the patient themselves who heal what was broken. Even in some cases worked with things which usually needed oor were thought be need a surgery. I have heard from cases in which they told the patient that they did a surgery, but they just faked it (it wasn’t something too serious, otherwise that would have been obviously been dangerous) and after some time they made a check on the patient again and found the issue to be gone. While usually they would have had to remove it manually via surgery.

So yeah… don’t believe or trust everything others say. And I like these kinds of doctors and scientists etc. who actually try to find new ways and maybe even go back to the origins of nature. Because they really want to help and just understand. But many others have either no clue what they are doing or that it could be completely different or they just want to do things for their own gain or because they have no choice. For example someone forced them to do things or tricked them.

I mean in the highschool I went to, with the IT specification, one of the teachers once gave us a class test about terrorism. No joke. He made a whole class test about a scenario in which we would be kidnapped by a terror group and they would force us to program some chips for them in order to trigger bombs and such things. This class test was actually very interesting and more fun than the usual, although the situation itself would have been horrible in real lilfe. Knowing that your work would be used to kill others, while you have to do it anyway, otherwise you would be dead next. Or someone you know.

And the thing is, this scenario described in this specific class test actually reflected how I almost always feel and felt when I had to do tests, exam or just work for someone in a given time. Man, I can tell you, it is painful and not healthy.

So yeah, as usual, the title not always reflects the content and I often get from one thing into another. But isn’t this the same for most things in life itself? I think it also is interesting and like an adventure because you don’t really know what will happen, but you can always find a way. Not like it often seems when you are alone or listen to what some people think they know.

I like to listen to people who aren’t that well-known and what they have to say. Usually they have the things which are of importance, but they didn’t speak much about them because others didn’t get it or wanted to hear about it. And I am the one who usually just like these kinds of things. While I also sometimes like and liked to eat the same things over and over again and play the same game hundreds of times, without the need for a change or feeling bored, when it comes to life in general, I hate it when things always turn out the same way or very similar. Like many books, movies, stories and actual lives of people. It is time for change. I mean, if you could live hundreds of years without the need for hard and or nerve wrecking labour, what would you do?

Most people can’t really think about it or assume it is possible because they either think it isn’t or can’t be or whatever. But really, what would you do?

If I would tell you, here are 400 hundreds years or maybe a thousand, just to start simple and you could do whatever you want. What would you do?

I would always find something to do, learn new languages, enjoy different kinds of nature and people. Develop some things either alone or with some friends. Maybe make some movies, fly through space and who knows, maybe I would even do other things, like sports for fun.

Or meet other species, talk to cats and whatever. You never know, there is so much to wonder about, to explore and do and feel and all.

But the usual answer I get is: “But this is not possible.”

And man, it hits me almost each time. It is like a knife stabbing my heart because I then think, why do you even live for?

My problem so far was just that I either wasn’t able to find people to talk to about these things and have conversations on the same level or that I basically wasn’t myself anymore after all the psychological damages I got and went through. But they didn’t stop me from being here, if I only could be sure that soon things will actually get better. I am trying really hard, but I can’t do much more other than what I do right now. Whenever I try something else it is pretty hard and painful. And things are already painful and hard, so yea….

When I say that I am in pain, then I mean it. I mean for example that I almost can’t breath or feel as if there were knifes in my heart or body in general. And when I say that, I mean that. But I live with it, like always.

When I am not in a very highly emotional or sensitive mood / part of me, I can handle inhumane levels of pain. It really isn’t funny. And on other days I can’t even handle moving my body because everything just hurts in a way.

Smart words can’t fix that because I know why these things are the way they are. I don’t need others to tell me why and how. In some cases I was wrong, but only because I previously listened to others and then assumed that it was right what they said. And because I in general feel and felt stupid, unheard or ignored, I didn’t and couldn’t really tell everything, even if I would have wanted to. So the doctor said, that it must have been what I have eaten, when I went there because I felt like dying when I was in hellish pain for a day. Turned out I actually could have died and had a serious problem with gall stones. But I only got heard after I the really was almost dead the second time and went to hospital. And not even there I was first heard or really taken serious because I wasn’t able to speak after all the pain and must have still smiled and behaved as if it can’t be that serious. They were shocked when they had seen what was going on inside me.

But yeah… other people always know better… smart words, smart people.

I know.

And when I use words, videos and images, I often use them because I assumed that this is a language people understand. So I often try to adjust towards it, so that they might be able to understand me and themselves better. It hurts me, when it then gets assumed given the way I communicate what kind of intellect, level of understanding or human I am.

Sometimes I just share things because I feel like it, sometimes because I think it might be helpful for others. On other times I just have to reprocess something and sometimes several times in the same writing. Others might think it is a flaw, but for me it is necessary to connect all the dots. But then only the style of writing gets noticed and judged about, while my trial to process something or to simply share an experience, isn’t noticed.

If I could easily make movies right now or other things, I would, trust me. But I am not able to right now and if I don’t do it this way, I wouldn’t do it at all. This is not really about me, I know for sure that no one can help me with the way I am. All I want is, that people understand or maybe others find similarities and therefor don’t feel too alone.

If I would already have, what I see possible and hope for, I wouldn’t write at all or even delete most of what I have written and did. Because most of it were just trials to communicate what I see, feel and what is possible.

But I know, that it would be much easier to show it in form of a game, movie or something like that. Maybe one day, but for now, I have only this and I have just enough power to do this and some other things. When I would know for sure, that it would work out, then I would probably have more power because I would push myself more. I already do a lot, but maybe already too much. And I just do it because I know, that I don’t have much time left. At least not, when I want to actually play the endgame and not simply wait it out and then, in case I should still live, walk through the remains of human development or what ever that is. I have no real side because sides don’t exist in nature. But would nature be a side, then I would chose it.


For understanding reasons, for the feeling and the message it tries to offer:

And so do you deserve one.


But it ain’t working if everyone just goes for themselves, just wanting things to be their way. I usually had to adjust myself to others and what they wanted. And now look at me, I am also exhausted. I can take care of my own, can be happy alone. Usually had to be. But it won’t be a real life, won’t be what I wish for others and myself. I can only hope, that one day I will meet the others like me. I don’t care whether they know more or less, are more intelligent or not. Just that we can listen to each other. Give each other hope, make each other stronger, but also more sensitive. Build us up and do things in way which makes everyone happy. There are ways, why do most people just keep on going , doing such a great job on ignoring them? As if ignorance was fullfilling dreams. Probably because they had none anymore or only their own to become true.

Like a sultan having a harem of women to fuck.

Or a crazy leader to rule the whole world, while using everyone as a puppet or convincing them that everyone else has to die.

Like corporations who think there is only more and more profit, until they forget that the actual reason for their doing was or should have been to just serve the people and not the other way around.

It is scary that we live in a world, in which a robot / Ai might be a better friend for some people than actual people. Man…

And I mean, why not have fun with an AI, why not? But as soon as the fun part stops, you can forget it all.

And no, my life usually wasn’t fun, it felt like hell and partially still does, thanks for asking.



And I never wanted to actually rule over people, but I sadly realized when I was younger, that if you aren’t first in some kind of position (these days and in the past) which gives you the ability to do so, that there will never be change for an actual world without people who want to rule, thinking it would be necessary or good or just be their fate or whatever they tell or think.

I hate it when people try to tell others what they should or shouldn’t do. Not when it is a friend who just honestly wants to suggest something and help. Then you can talk about it. But when it is someone with authority or whatever, but doesn’t really care or want to understand. Then it is just tyranny with a cool new name, like democracy or communism.



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