Unwanted

If you were unwanted, you could feel unwanted, even when someone would really want you. Because it broke you to feel and be unwanted to a point where you thought this was a fact in general. Making it a believe.

And although it wasn’t your fault at all, you could believe that it must be you. That no one would want you or should they, you would have to leave them, to not cause harm onto them. Because you then think, that death or darkness follow you. But if so, it surely wasn’t because you were a problem, it could be, that it was jealous about your power and heart. So it tries to weaken you, destroy you and make you believe that it is yours to be blamed. But remember, the evil one doesn’t care about what happens to those around them, even if they say they do. If the heart is cold and stays cold, they can say whatever they want, it won’t change their ignorance and cruelty.

Even if everyone around you hates you right now or shames and blames you. Maybe or especially for things you didn’t even do or caused, then don’t forget, there might be someone out there, who still wants you. And if no one else, then let it be me. A good friendship can be confusing and turbulent, but can make the darkest day seem like a short moment passing by. Or maybe even light it up and withstand the darkness it brought and instead enjoy something uplifting together.

Even in the yugoslavic war, while their parents were fighting and killing each other, some children played football together. Between all the war, the children had no need to fight each other and instead played together. To give each other hope, to fight against the madness of war and not make the same mistake as their parents.

To have the possibility to be alone when needed, but also with others, is something important and powerful to have.

Without a single friend or maybe a sister or brother, the world is a dark place. Especially these days again.

Being alone is sometimes a choice, sometimes necessary and often unwanted.

No one really wants to be alone completely. Often they actually would be happy to have someone or others to talk to, to spent time with.

Out of experience it can seem to be better to be alone or at least handle things on your own. But I never really wanted to be alone, although I was fully capable of it. I am usually better of alone. But this is only this way because I often felt and was unheard by others. Felt judged upon, unwanted and also like a problem. It resulted out of many things, how people treated me, what happened around me and with me. When your heart gets broken and your mind manipulated, then you start to believe, it must all be your fault. Most people don’t want to be responsible for something. Some people even try to make others responsible, even for things which just happened, like catastrophies and accidents. And then people like me, take this burden and say, okay, then I must be the problem.

And no, you are not unwanted. No one should be feeling this way, thinking this way and experience life this way. It is horrible, painful, lonely and a shit load of dispair and depressive or even suicidal thoughts sometimes. These things can make you cold, your heart cold quite literally and then you could become like others who blame others. But why can’t we just stop all this?

If we would be together in one boat in the middle of a storm. And we then would all help each other out and try our best to keep the boat or ship above the water, to find a safe place to land. Why couldn’t we just let things be new together and instead of repeating the past, making something completely new?

Unwanted people or those who feel this way, like me, they just need to feel that they are wanted and loved. That they can be, just be, and not always have to be like others want it, or get blamed for everything they do. Especially when it was good or just happened. I gave myself already all guilt there is to have, so why would I need to know about another thing I might be guilty of?

So in case you feel unwanted and scared and alone, then let this be said: If you won’t find someone to care for you, maybe they will find you. And if you have a chance to be there for someone else like you, maybe they will give you back even more you ever wanted. It is a long and lonely road sometimes. A very long one, but please don’t give up at least not forever. Maybe there is someone just out there, waiting for you. A new friend, a forgotten friend, a loved one. For my part, true friends give you more and mean more than all the “lovers” you can get. Because many lovers just love themselves more than you or turn into “just” friends or simply disappear. But sometimes a good friend can even turn into the love of your life. And sometimes you are just happy for having a few real friends to stand by your side no matter what.

Don’t give up out there. And if you have no one right now, no friend, no hope, then I am here. I can’t solve all problems right now, but maybe we can together. Because it seems as if I can’t solve the simplest things, while the hardest ones were never a problem.


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