When I was in secondary school and I had a lot to cry about and a lot of hate and fear, I developed certain “reboot sequences”. It was like rebooting my feelings, my mind in a trial to erase or process the unhandable feelings I felt.
Sometimes I tapped with my fingers against a thumb or on my body inside a jacket. Sometimes I went through a set of numbers and words or played out a set of alarm codes. Sometimes visualizing a war inside my head, sometimes all around me.
And then there was this one sequence or method, which somehow was different from the others. It also was giving chills sometimes, sometimes it just felt good to go through these words. I think I wrote it down once, when I was alone in the flat I had during my apprentaceship time, so around two years ago. Luckily, because I didn’t really need it anymore and sadly for the analytic part, I can only remember the first word.
The interesting part about it is, that I had no relations towards it. At least not as far as I know and remember. I couldn’t even write it out, since I didn’t know how it was written. And even now I had to look it up. I simply had the word in sound form and I would have probably written “Aserbaidjan” or “Azerbagan” or something like that.
There was one reason why it was the first word. A simple fact, it started with an “A”.
I knew that it was something arabic or at least in that region. I knew that it was either a big city or something like that because I have heard about it. Maybe even that it actually is a country or region. But I forgot it probably again. And I just looked up where it is on the map and I expected it somewhere else. A little more south. Probably because I confused it with the a city in the UAE. I am not sure.
The interesting part is, that starting this particual sequence, basically me going through these names in my head, gave me strength and control about myself. At least as far as I remember.
One of the stress alarm signals was and sometimes still is a variation of the letters and numbers: A, K, 4, 7
Depending on the feeling I used either all of them together or just some of them, but multiple times. And sometimes, like recently I just had A44 or K44 repeating in my mind. It is also important to notice, that these letters and numbers are used to describe weapons.
And sometimes I added a “W”, so I got “AKW” (short for “Atomkraftwerk” – german for nuclear plant).
Why is this all somehow related?
First of all, I somehow like the design of these weapons.
Second, they are originally russian weapons, as far as I know.
Third, I hate that these weapons, like any other weapons exist and often were used in arabic states and rebellions (as far as I know). Which doesn’t mean, that it was always wrong to use them, but in general I don’t like weapons for reasons, a lot of reasons.
And nuclear power which would be the AK for Atomkraft.
In some way I tried to express my feelings inside me and also control them, with the things I both was fascinated of and hate at the same time.
Liked weapons for their origin and desgin, but hated them because they were weapons. (I know it make not much sense, but this is how it is)
Nuclear power because of the usage of atoms and their radiation for a better cause then just destruction, but also the immense problems it resulted it. Nuclear waste being illegally stored and burried, environmental catastrophies and accidents, not to forget the weaponized usage and cover-ups.
The number 4 somehow had something cold, but also hopeful. Probably because of its solid state. Being the multiple of 2 and therefor 2² and also I sometimes formed it with a folding meter stick, as well as the 7. But the seven was in general a weird number. I don’t know, I mean 7 days a week. So probably I have a lot of hate related to this number?
This brings be to the “A” and “K” again.
The “A” is basically the first letter in the latin (it is latin, right?) alphabet. So it felt like a secure start. While the “K” was somewhere in between. Representing a lot of negative things. Including the beginning of my surname or the word “kill” or “killer”, as well as the german word “krank” (ill / sick). It felt dangerous, powerful, but also painful.
Sometimes I think random numbers when I am trying to fight a level of stress or maybe anxiety? For me these words and their means don’t really can be separated as well as many other things. It is like, when I am stressed, I am anxious and when I am anxious I have stress. So I can of course tell the difference between them. But usually the feelings came together.
You know, the worst part about being me is, that I usually knew – at least since second half elementary school time – that my thoughts, some actions and in general being me, was different. And that many things were not normal or even sane. You know, usually it is or was said, that people with a mental problem don’t get it, when they have it. Might even think they are completely normal. So in my case it wasn’t like this. As soon as I entered school, I noticed that I was not like the others. And when as a result of my traumatic experiences and abusive parenting and just me being different, I started to do crazy things, I knew I was not alright. I mean, I was running around naked in the forest at least once or twice and also went shitting there like that. I mean, this is not unnatural for some people and animals do that as well. But given the norm, it was completely sick. So I noticed this behavior and covered it up. Probably even denying that it ever happened.
I also clearly couldn’t talk about it with anyone. So I kept quiet about it until I successfully forgot about it, or at least couldn’t remember it, for many years.
It is also not new, that I write about it here, at least not completely.
But shit man… I tried to turn myself into a robot or at least tried to feel like one, in order to ignore everything else and rationalize things. As well as trying to calm myself down with numbers.
When I started to program, after I was finally able to, I did it as a form of art. And I always felt like the worst. As if everyone was better at it than me, at least everyone who was interested in it. So while I read computer languages for fun, I never really was able to make something useful with thme.
There is always this barrier. So even if I would want to gain a lot of money, I can’t. As soon as someone talks about money, working and such things, I am out. I am done.
Whenever someone says, hey do have an idea how to do this or that. I am in, as long as it isn’t expected of me to find a solution, but would be helpful. And when there is no pressure. I can’t work with pressure, it literally kills me, no joke.
So whenever I had to write a class test in school, I was in danger zone. My head was often under pressure and I felt dizzy. I often couldn’t solve easy things and sometimes even forgot a complete task after going through the test sheet three times. Each test, even just small vocabulary tests made me feel really bad. So I was always scared of tests because of this painful experience. And just thinking that I would have to feel like this even more when I would work, I just was done completely. Because it was rock solid clear, that I would never ever be able to work in a job. Work under pressure and therefor solve or do things in a way which society / most people expected. I sure knew that some people did things a different way, but I knew that I would never be able to do it like them.
It kills you to know, that your life ends, before it really started.
So while as a little boy in the beginning of elementary school I still hoped (because of special things in that school and some things), that things could get better. Just a few years later my future was only black. Because of too many reasons. I mean it really is easier to count the positive things, than the negative things in my life. Because the positive thing is, that I at least was able to help some people out with some things. But no that actually is no reason for me to live for. Actually one I would die of as well, since it felt as if there would only be giving, until I am empty and no return.
I can’t live in a world in which only words and numbers rule. I hate them, I hate these things so much. Because I was never really able to use them for my gain, only to lose. Since people assumed that I must be either very good or bad with them. But they didn’t understand, that I was simply trying to use things in a way I felt about them. Like the letters or this country name.
There was no real reason, like: “Now I want to use them because of this.” It just happened somehow at some point and then afterwards I realized possible connections towards it.
So it is like, I first have the solution and then I understand why. Or the problem….
This is why it is so complicated to explain, that I am bad with words and that I just immitate knowing languages well. I don’t even understand some of the words in my own language (german) and therefor have even more problems with english. I usually found ways to work around them or somehow avoid such things. And for some people, they might find a lot of mistakes in my sentences, I don’t know. While I had a few incidents in which people apologized for their bad english towards me. And I just thought, well isn’t that interesting. I just wanted to say the same. At least I usually feel like this.
Writing all of this here doesn’t mean, that I really feel comfortable writing or that I feel good about it and solid. But sometimes I do actually feel like it. Just not in general. In general it feels as if I am not really writing this on my own. As if I am having help of some sort. And it is even worse in actual conversations. While I started to write english for the most part and now I only want to write in englsih, I usually felt not safe about it. In an actual conversation, talking, I could probably fail to understand even simple words. Sometimes even in my own language. For some people this makes no sense, but I guess it has to do with the fact, that I usually didn’t have many conversations in general. When I was little with some friends and with my mother and some other people. But the older I got, the fewer I spoke with others. The internet connection changed it again, so when I was just 14 I started to talk often with others. But it also often was just me being quiet, as soon as there wasn’t just one person at the same time.
So the speech part really got very weak and because I then often ignored others in conversations with multiple people, since they were talking about things I didn’t understand or wanted to talk about, also with listening.
The only way it worked and actually got even stronger, was watching videos or listening to audio plays and games. The reason for it was simple and yet not easy to guess for normal people, I had no stress. Because in a game, where only the computer (recorded voices and text messages) talks, so no one expects me to actually answer and get it right away. And videos in which people were talking, especially english, I also felt comfortable for the same reason. I usually didn’t even have to rewind to understand. Only in very rare cases when there were either new words or interfering noises or something. And so I learned to understand english pretty good for movies, songs and in general, as long as there is no live / direct interaction or people in general next to me.
I mean I even understand lyrics of a lot of english songs, while some people don’t even understand german lyrics (people here in Germany). And we are talking about all kinds / genres of music. I can even follow complicated videos about scientific things or whatever. Even if I don’t understand some words here or there, I usually get the overall message. Something I often don’t even have in basic conversations in my first language.
I often catch myself lately listening to music with or without lyrics and I just visualize things and feel and see the message the sounds (adn sometimes words) mean. While other people (at least I assume) just listen to the sounds, the waves and maybe shutdown, relax or dance or just work or whatever. Not really paying attention to it at all. Since for them it is “just” music.
I also liked to watch music videos, already back in elementary school, while back then it was either with friends and their internet access or on music channels on TV.
Back then I didn’t really understand the meaning or point of them and I often watched them for other reasons. But in the past years I watched them just because I usually just listen to music on YouTube. And often there are videos, since it is YouTube. And now I also really feel good that I watched them because there are a lot of interesting messages in them.
You can for example see critique, deep feelings and wishes within them. Others probably just listen to the songs and don’t even realize that some of them actually mean the opposite of the words or at least have a different meaning. Only in combination with the video and also paying attention to the sound of the voice and way the words are spoken / pronouned and sung, make it a whole message. Since last year I had more and more of these: “I knew it” moments, when then more and more of the bands or musicians in general were talking about their actual feelings, past and trauma or reasons why they do what they do. Because I already felt it, heard it and understood it. But often I then negated what I found because whenever they presented themselves before, it seemed as if they were just doing a show. As if they would be “just” singing about these things in such a way. It messed with my head back then because I thought that no one was real and also recently I sometimes fell back into this. But because since last year and also this year more and more of the people come out and speak about things. I finally can feel better about it. Because with each one of them honestly speaking up, I feel approved of my ability to sense what someone feels, means and tries to express. Although if everyone else doesn’t get it. Sometimes even they themselves maybe.
It is not always fully correct, but maybe it was and they just held some things back, while talking about some. Which I could totally understand.
I think, if I would be able to talk with them, I would be able to fully understand them. But there we go again with the “stress”, the pressure to understand fast and react and therefor an anxiety caused by a lot of negative experiences. I am just very slow in active conversations. So I would probably just sit there talking bullshit or just stay quiet or break down or fake things again……..
It is almost as if I am doomed to stay silent, at least when it comes to talking and conversations.
But only when I am under pressure. When I am in a conversation with only one person, it is sometimes okay. But still, there will probably always be this pressure. Because other people are usually faster with talking because they do it all day, it seems. And I usually stay quiet or talk down a monolog, for the most part. Or having a fake conversation. I rarely had actual conversations in which I was honest and myself and the other person also seemed to be.
How did I get here from talking about reboot sequences?
Well, I don’t know doc…. I don’t know.