“Fuck it!” – Move

I just had to think about this short DUST movie / video Nine minutes, about this astronaut who’s ship / rocket crashed and then she was talking with the AI in her suit and thought about her life until she died because she had no oxygen. At least it seemed this way.

And I just thought, why if you would die anyway, not at least try to take off the helmet and see what happens. Or don’t because you die anyway.

It was then, when it was clear that it was about the fear, the fear that it might be worse, than just keeping the helmet on. Knowing she would die with the helmet on. But who knows, maybe she could have taken it off and then there might have been air to breath after all? Or something completely different could have happened. And so most people don’t take the risk for things to possibly go worse and then die in their own “space” suits, while there was a whole other world to explore. It was easy for them to accept a less painful death, than a possible endless and unimagined impressive life.

So they never tried to take off their helmet because without it they thought they would die for sure. So they die, for sure, but think it was the better choice. Thinking of helmets or one “helmet” in particular, the nickname was perfect. But not because it was his fault or because he weren’t able to take it off. He just had “a helmet” to protect himself because otherwise he might get hurt and to be fair. It wasn’t him who put the helmet on, it was put on top or was placed around him.

When you see the progress he made, his inner views and openness towards everyone. When you feel him and see how he was so hurt that he couldm’t safe her. The you understand what it means to live and to love.

He first was also not himself, he was holding things back, a lot of things. It seemed everyone did and asked him to do so as well. He was confused, not sure what to make of it. But when he realized his mistake of denying himself and commiting to society or what others thought was real, was right, he didn’t want this helmet back.

Sadly he had to realize, that almost everyone else kept theirs still on or even tried to get a new one, after their old one got broken. Some even tried to put more helmets, more boxes around them, pretending, that everything was completely different. As if nothing had happened. Nothing important, nothing what mattered or should have changed the course of actions forever.

Oh look, he can breath air without his “space” helmet.

Well, this can’t be. We all had to wear them, always has been this way.

Boy, get yourself another helmet or you will face the consequences.

While all what they should have done, would have been to take that damn thing off as well. And then see everything in a completely new light.

First painful, horrible and broken, but after a few seconds marvelous and ever green. Did they take off their helmets? Some for sure. At least they tried and although it might seem and is a small act, just a move or two with the hand. Most preffer to do a million more, to avoid it. Out of fear, what they might be facing, out of fear to die, while they already are dying. But dying in a way they are comfortable with, dying because there is no other way. Or is there? – There is. A better way. Or I should say, a million better ones.

(I highly recommend the DUST YouTube channel, there is an answer or question to almost anything you would want to know or didn’t even know you wanted to know. At least for me it felt like that. Sometimes it made me feel even more lost, sometimes I thought, that there is hope for change.)




And sometimes I have to listen to a song a handful or a douzen times. Sometimes I just want to hear it again and again. And when I haven’t heard some of them in a while, it is even more powerful, when I hear them again.

Often you have to go through a thing multiple times, to fully understand it. Not always, but for now, sometimes. Because it depends on your state of mind, your feelings, situation and environment. So when you listen to a song while driving down a road, it is different from driving in a train, different from lying in bed looking at the ceiling or outside the window. The first time you might just hear the melody, then you might hear the lyrics. You hear them, but don’t know what they really want to say. At another time, you hear it again and it hits you like sixteen tones of steel. And you think, why haven’t I seen it before? Why haven’t I understood what it was about?

And then the next time, it could even turn out as a victory dance or a reminder, that you are indeed not alone in this fight. While the first time, it might seemed, that it was just another song. Some songs are just songs, others are alive.



And then you realize that we are not products, that you can’t buy us, can’t sell us, can’t use us because we are alive as well.

But not many realize what a life actually means. They think it is a collection of images, sounds, years and actions between birth and… well death. While this is not life at all. Not from my perspectives on what life is and should be.



And then there are people who think they know it all, because they have read it in books. As if the words were alive… In my head they are, in front of my eyes they move. But not for them, for them it is all just as dead as the feeling I have when I see them, while they say it is a lie. While they say that they have life. Maybe for them it is a life, but not for me.

Not meaning that their kind is all the same, just the origin and way.



Now a little visual for you.



And one way to explain life.

Just another one, while there are endless other ways as well.



The way of the others, from birth to death, a oneway trip. And they think they have to take each moment and embrace it. And in a way that is true, but they forget to embrace the life. So it is just them touching a passing corpse, as if they want to say goodbye, but can’t really let go of it. And so they follow the corpse to the tomb and fall in there as well. Just to realize, that it was their own grave as well. Maybe even their own corpse they touched, while they thought of another.


But my life and yours, might be all to different from that. We will see, hopefully.

And where we want to be and how we want to be, we try to show you and each other. To help us grow, help us live, help us hope and just hope together. Work together and embrace life together. And usually we do it, by showing what we are scared of or what should be instead.


And now I almost smell and taste the lemon cleaner acid again.

I think I am still processing it, the bitter taste of death, quite literally.


It was like I said, like an antidepressant. But I had no one to hold me.

And that almost killed me, made me kill myself.

This lonely feeling, between all these dark wolves. As if there was only this lonely road to travel and I didn’t want it this way. I got robbed my ways and broken, burned and tortured. Not myself, all but myself.

While all I was and wanted to be, was a handsome tiger or a dragon in the skies. Maybe just whatever there was one could be and just feel it. Together with the others. Enjoy it, the nature, the trees, the animals and Mes.

Not alone, not alone, but also not trapped in a prison instead.

Not alone, but together with free spirits. Where you can always walk together, walk a little alone and together again. Never alone. Not forever, instead forever together. Why did we let us get robbed of this?

While it was all we wanted…



And when you see the two women kiss and love each other, you only see the smallest part of the whole story. The feeling it sends out. How nature is a source of love and you can never get enough of it. How there lies freedom in the ways of nature. And that this deep love between beings is a natural way of life. Like you see it or could see it in nature all day, all the time. Trees speak with other trees, speak with mushrooms, animals live on them, through them. They give and get. They breath out and the plants breath in and when they breath out, the animals breath in again.

It is something you can’t get enough of. And all the forms, the variations, the colors, shapes and waves. It is something you never want to lose. Something which just on earth was or might still be infinitely marvelous and wonderful. If already here, then what must be on some other planets, other galaxies and what else there might be?

But no… No, we only have school, work, retirement and death to hope for. A perfect dream.

Isn’t it fun?! … No .. NOOOO! That joke wasn’t even funny the first time…



And what does it matter what happened on these planes, when in the end everything is made out of energy in one form or another? And maybe something to shape it, form it, live it. Like us, me and you and everyone.

If the new, would in the end also just be made out of the vanished old, since energy never gets lost, then why waiting for something new, when we could already have it now? Since there wouldn’t be much difference between making or letting things now become good again or waiting for them to become somewhere else, at some point. When in the end, it might be here and now after all. Or just another version of yesterday, if we let it happen on its own. Another version of today… while I would want it to be not even tomorrow. Because tomorrow is just yesterday with some different letters, just today, with a new face. Or sometimes just two weeks ago. All again and again.

Isn’t it time to make the stories not just stories anymore? To let them live? Not just in movies and games or some special events. Why not make it the opposite or just completely new?

What is the loss, the gain in waiting? When all there is to win is life and to lose is death. But we still wait and die and scream. And I still wish death to catch me, but I know it will never happen and it should never happen. At least not, when we all would stick together.

The past shaped us, often in a bitter way, in a painful way.

Not because we needed it this way, wanted it this way or should have experienced it this way. But it happened nonetheless.

We did things, things happened to us. Things just happened and we couldn’t do anything about it. Being alone makes these things impossible to beat so often. It makes us feel empty, not full, not real, not alive. And at worst, unwanted, like garbage and problems. Living problems, living, but dying.

And the flaw is the need for death, when all we want is love and breath.

Love can be everywhere, come in different forms, but usually is not found, where it is most worshiped. Like most things in general. Be it health, Gods or just education.

Where it really is to find, is with the company of love. Sometimes, so many times or just the whole time, some of us walk this road alone. And sometimes, so many times or all the time, we lose the way. We think that we know what to do, where to go or others tell us. So it is often hard and in the end maybe impossible to fight completely alone. The good thing about nature, it has the best Wifi signal. 😀

So even if you are sitting out there alone, walking home without a friend. Maybe by choice or maybe just because you feel better this way for now., you are never alone. When you tap in and listen and speak and feel.

I really hope that it will happen soon that we will all, at least most of us, find out of all these illusions, walls and barriers.

When you feel love, real love, real connection and how it doesn’t push you or pull you, just greets you. Then you realize what mistakes you have made, what happened to you and to others. You start to understand and it is like judgement day because it is, it is. But the judge will be you, at least you will judge yourself as well. And this is meant for those who hold it all back, ignore it and fake. Others judged themselves their whole life, got judged, hurt and torn apart. They don’t need any judgement, they already had enough. All they need is to finally see, that their fighting wasn’t for nothing.

Either way, please don’t end your life or the life of others. Please!

Let this be said by one who wanted to die from childhood on, from someone who still fights with the wish to die each day.

Even the war criminal is welcome to join me because in a way we all are. At least as long as we fight against life, against peace and love, while we pretend to fight for it.

Money won’t ever save the planet, it is one of the causes why it gets destroyed, why so many lives died, so many are dying or suffering each day.

Big talkers will never save this planet and our lives because all they can do is talk or read out loud what others gave them to read. While they shake hands, get paid and smile or shout. But nothing of importance will ever be done by them, even if they would have wanted.

The little ones, like maybe you and me, they change (and somtimes even create) the world(s).

The others just copy, steal and control. Why can’t they just understand, that life was meant to be so easy? What is it that they think is worth it to let so many die for it and even they themselves, I guess?

While all they would want is here, was here, could be here (again).

It only takes one decision. Do you want to live forever in freedom, just here with us or do you want to die and suffer a long death, chasing what could be right in front of your nose. But you don’t see it or don’t want it or don’t know anymore, that you maybe once were thinking the same, why not? Why not just live?

Out of joy so many great things can be. Happy people, actually happy ones, they are so rare these days. Most people are just assuming they must be happy or need something for this feeling to be. While they could just have it, wouldn’t there be so many people who are scared as well. I mean, as if it is weird to just walk through a forest, not even on the paths. As if animals don’t do that as well or wood cutters or hunters.

Why can they all do it, but we can’t? As if they would care. But oh no, you could hit a small tree and then ruin the forest since it takes years to grow and they already have not enough time to wait for the trees to grow fast enough. Only to cut them down, like children in the “Kinder-Metzgerei” (child butchery), I mean “Rinder-Metzgerei” (cattle butchery). My mother told me that a girl once read “Kinder-Metzgerei” instead of “Rinder-Metzgerei” on a sign for a butchery. Because the “K” and the “R” seemed very similar to her. The old letters in the (german) alphabet were pretty weird indeed. I also got confused sometimes, when I found some old signs and words written with those.

And this poor little girl walked passed this sign every day when walking to school. Obviously scared and anxious. Little did she know… little did we know. Or did we? I did…



And if you don’t do what everyone does, they say:

whenever they see you

And then they dance their stupid dance. But actually they are ugly or ugly as well. Or just as well, just similar, just all too similar. Too normal, almost dead. With their helmets, googles and smiles. And hey, the poor engie here, it isn’t his fault. He just plays a role to show you what is going on. And at some point one of the two just had enough.

Throwing the other one into the grounding fathers. Until it finally all ended in a big explosion.

Luckily we don’t need an explosion, at least not one with weapons. More something like the following:

But instead it feels more like this for me, while I don’t enjoy it:

And you might watch it happening:

While you follow this … Blog? Almanac? Life? Existence? Love.

And don’t you ever forget, you are …

But sadly…

You have to understand it for yourself, judge.

(Verstehen, Richter = Understanding, judge)

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