Yep, another of these very weird things I “drew” and came up with.
I mean, I basically used Paint and some weird drawings of chess figures and put it together. I don’t even have rules yet, except for the fields. But I have a lot of ideas. I just didn’t write them down yet and I also would preffer to first write it on paper and think it through.
My first impression: This looks dumb.
My second impression: Maybe I shouldn’t have invested time to make this random thought more than a thought.
My third impression: Well, maybe someone could be interested in it.
Final impression: Nah, it will end like the last games I made. Forgotten, not really functional, boring, weird, dead.
Well, but you never … no. No, actually I usually knew.
It was more that I expected something really strange to happen, so that not everything would be so boring, “normal” and always the same (in a way).
You might ask, why is it that he is so interested in chess all of a sudden. And how did he think, this kind of “chess” variation could be a good idea?
I mean, I previously wrote about chess and how I thought, that I would be against every other figure on the board. And so tonight I was finally able to start watching: The Queen’s Gambit
I already saw the trailer and although I don’t care about trailer because they usually never really represent the actual value, I knew I would watch it. The timing is just phenomenal, I would even say, unearthly. 😀
The thing is, I even once was in a chess club in elementary school. But I don’t remember much actually. I just know, that I in general had not much interest in anything school related since it was either boring, stressing me or I just didn’t feel very happy there. Like in general, but it was complicated.
The truth is, that no matter what, I often have a problem when it comes to playing 1 vs 1 games or in general compete with someone.
The reason for it is, that my will to fight got broken due to ingorance by others, misunderstandings, a shit load of psychological problems related to parents, school, bullying, intelectual thoughts?
I would consider myself as not able to think logical, since logic is a relative concept of thought. So I was probably pretty bad at playing games with others. But actually I probably would be very good. The problem is, that I got so broken during and after my childhood, that I would probably lose against someone who plays a game the first time, while I played it for years.
Why? Well, because my brain was so drilled that whatever I do will be wrong, that it simply negates itself. Almost like: “You have to lose.” So that I would probably sometimes even subconsciously manipulate me into willingly losing. But I would probably not really get that anymore and instead think I am just too stupid or can’t play. And then on some special days I might beat everyone, even people who are really good. Only to play it the next time, as if I have never played it before or as if I don’t know the rules or whatever. This goes for every game and also things in general, not just games. So basically work tasks or other things. I would have to figure things out again and again sometimes because I just couldn’t remember anything or simply had to do it again.
And I remember that I read some books with general knowledge and also even went through all kinds of quiz questions and so on. I mean I have times when I just see the cover of a book or a few frames, few seconds of a movie and I could tell you what it was about.
I even sometimes explained my mother the psychological profile of some characters and why it is most-likely that because of it they would do certain things. Only to later hear from her that I was right about it. While I just watched it for a few minutes maybe.
But the problem with that is, that it changes. And sometimes or usually I can get fooled by a little kid because I am completely blocked or have the “I am 5 years old and stupid” character playing. The worst part is, that others don’t and can’t get it. And also that I myself often think, that this can’t be true. That I must be fooling myself and telling lies because I want to be cool or whatever. But the truth is, that I usually felt that I had to lie because otherwise people got mad at me. And it also in some way was funny sometimes because I was just so lost. I mean, it was fun to tell people about how I would get a good job and all, sometimes even believed it myself. But I knew, that even if I would get it, I would not be able to keep it up. And so it was. It just happened and it was good in a way, otherwise I would have not even remembered that I once was an intelligent little child.
I even believed that I probably must have just told that myself, so that I would feel better. In reality I actually told myself that I am stupid in order to feel better until I believed it. Well and other people obviously helped, making me believe that I am an idiot.
And guess what, in the long run it was also shit to believe that I am an idiot, but I actually just wanted to become an idiot to be able to ignore all this madness. And I must say, I almost succeeded. Until last year happened and everything started to first freak out and then slowly repair itself. Although other people would see it as the opposite, like usual.
I mean, one day I am able to think things through, solve problems and have hope and then a few hours later I am just a vegetable again.
And I remember thinking about this when I was younger and in school and how no one would believe this or get this. And therefor I would be lost forever.
The good thing is, I was right.
The bad thing is, I was right.
And the thing is, I didn’t care.
Because when things are so messed up and you just know how messed up they are, but that there won’t really be a chance to fix them… you just don’t care anymore. The Queen’s Gambit (the first one and a half episode I watched) felt like therapy or “understanding” in a way. Because I felt pretty similar, although I was not an orphan, while I usually still felt like one. I mean, my father once gave me a mixture of “bloodroot” (or how it is called) and sugar. Basically something like alcohol, at least it tasted similar, burned and I hate the taste of alcohol. And he did that because I had diarrhea or something, but we wanted to go on a holiday trip. I mean, we could have gone at another day or whatever, but no, I had to take this weird medicine and also keep in inside because he wanted to have this one day trip. And I mean, this “bloodroot” (Blutwurzel) thing actually is good when you have diarrhea, as far as I have heard. But even if so, then you don’t force your child to take it because you want to have a good day. Besides him basically not letting me do whatever there was one could do.
Sometimes I must have felt like Lucius or at least could have perfectly played him, if I would have let my frustration, hate, anger and pain out on others.
But what does it help… nothing had meaning… and I wouldn’t want to hurt others. I didn’t want to get hurt, but no one cared. Well, of course some people, but you know how it is. Usually they have enough to do with their own problems, so I was better of hiding all my problems and just let them live their lives. While I was dying in the meantime and literally losing my mind. I even forced myself to lose it, because again, I wanted to be stupid.
And I know that I wrote about some of these things multiple times here. I know that. I mean, I sometimes even think I already lived through all of this… it is just never ending…
Well, but I never had the interest to really harm others, I just wanted to be with others, have fun and help them and maybe talk about some things.
But yea… not really happening. I mean, at least I would be able to again now. And also again almost resignated again.
And no, it is not your fault reading. Especially not, when you are one of the people I wrote with for some time now. I am really glad to have you or them. It is just, that I sometimes still are worried that I might cause serious trouble and then still not really change things for the better. It all takes so immense power, while posting things here is almost something I could now probably do all day.
You: You don’t say, I mean you actually do that.
Me: Eh yes… yes you are right.
And speaking of crows.
Yes, a woman in the video mentioned that she saw a crow.
You: Oh… there were so many things happening in this video.
Yep, I know.
But it reminded me of two crows I have seen when I visited some relatives in the beginning of this year. Besides that the weather somehow wasn’t as the weather report said it would be and instead the way I wanted it to be, I saw these two crows flying around one day. They were flying not far from the house of the relatives, probably over the street. And then I noticed, that they were flying in circles. It almost seemed as if they were flying the “infinity” symbol.
Well and while the whole weekend was pretty sunny, instead of heavy storms, when we drove home again it almost immediately started to rain.
Yep… these things happen around me, at least when I pay attention or want them to happen. Beside some small factors I can’t or don’t want control. For example cars driving by on the street, when I am walking to the forest at night. Usually I just ignore them, but sometimes I really have to fight the need to let them drive against a tree or something. And well, I already wrote somewhere on this blog about such things. I mean, once when I was driving to work and had to get on the train, I was in a hurry. Then there was a big truck in front of me and a long road where I couldn’t really see nor was allowed to drive past it, for the same reason. So I was so pissed at some point or at least must have been, when suddenly the truck was almost falling over onto the forest direction. Luckily it was just the trailer and the truck driver was able to somehow get that thing from 30° to 0 again. Then just stopped and got out of the truck to look what the hell happened and probably to check the trailer. I just drove past the scene and wasn’t sure what happened. So when I worry about these things, I have a reason to worry. And this wasn’t the first time.
By the way, did I mention that my mother also had weird things happening around her, at least when she was younger? For example that the radio signal sometimes got weaker or turned into static when she entered the room. Or some lights started to flicker and such things. Just a few days or a couple of weeks maybe, we had a similar situation with the Wifi. My mother was completely “loaded” as she said because my father and other things and people happened… and she couldn’t take it. So when she then walked towards my room, the wifi signal got weaker. When she was in my room, (probably) crying and telling me about her day, the signal was completely dead.
And after she went towards the kitchen, it went on again. I also had such things happening for myself. But I assure you I come in peace. At least I want peace and want to come in peace. I am a friendly guy who just wanted to help people, have a good time with them and live. And maybe have fun together with others. But yea… not really happening. I mean, sometimes, but usually not. At least not when I was fully myself, whatever that means these days.
Sometimes I wish I would be like Lucius or the characters from Life is Strange and such things. Only to realize that more or less I actually am and was all the time. Only that I never really wanted that and also couldn’t handle it well. For obvious reasons.
And I had to find my inner love again. It is still hard to express it when people are actually in front of me. I usually still just stand there and don’t do much. I mean, to be Lucius or like Lucius has its good sides. Because I have special abilities normal people either don’t get, have or know about. And I can instead of doing evil things, try to do good things. I mean, why not. Like giving some people a nice day, letting the sun shine instead of rain. Or letting it rain, when it was pretty hot. It obviously doesn’t always work and also costs a lot of power and focus / concentration, but I had many situations in which it worked.
Usually I just don’t want to do it because usually there is no point in it. And depending on what it is or was, why I tried to manipulate, I felt pretty exhausted afterwards. Because it indeed costs energy.
And no, I am not telling you, that this always works, is bullet proof and that it has to be the way I wrote it. But there just were too many things in my life, way too many things.
This is why I am still not sure, whether I am just dreaming all of this, while I am in some kind of coma or whatever. Or maybe actually in a simulation. You never know these days. I mean, you sure think, that this must be crazy and can’t be real. But hey, I also tried to convince myself about that and that I must be stupid and or crazy. But yeah… you can’t run forever away. I mean myself with this. And I actually didn’t run away, I just gave up.
People say, without even trying to fight, you already lost.
And guess what, I tried to fight and tried, but it just wasn’t enough. And I just didn’t know anymore what was real, what was right or good and what wasn’t. It all just was relative unimportant and just relative.
And really, if you would tell me, that you are 400 years old and originally came from planet Xijuga from the Pijumoa galaxy, I would probably believe you. At least I wouldn’t say, that it is impossible. It depends on what I sense. So you could fool me… but yea… children can do that as well.
Can this nightmare please just end?
Or do I really just have to wake up from this coma?
Maybe I should find that video about: How to wake up from a coma
I once saw it in the recommendation this year. Probably for a reason, but hey… I mean. ………….
This is just so messed up.
I can’t know what is real. I mean I know what is given the knowledge I got as a kid and analysed and was common knowledge and all, should be real. But then again, people usually don’t even believe that someone can read your mind or that some frequencies are actually deadly, literally.
For them it is just like: This is technology and this is my life and this is that and that is this and everything has a box. But they ignore that all these things in some way exist in the same space, time continuum (or whatever this is).
So they obviously can interfer, interact and change etc.
But no, hey, some people are smart and know all the facts and numbers. So if they know it, then everything must be in order… yay order…. HOW I HATE THIS WORD!
But well, no, I am not here for this purpose. Sometimes I am just not sure anymore what to think about all what is happening around me. I mean, basically it makes sense in a weird way. But again, nope, I am not here for evil purposes. And I would end my life, would I actually be meant to be evil. Because no, I don’t want to be evil and never wanted to be evil. At least not really and I also wasn’t born like this. I was born as a quiet, kind and lovely little boy. Very intelligent and helpful, I wanted to know how things work and tried things out and all that. I still believed there was hope for things to get better and be good.
I hope again this year, but it is so damn hard. But basically the only thing to hope for, that things will get better, although I know, that they won’t at least not from the current state of things. If I would just know where to go, what to do. So I usually stay at home or sometimes walk my nightly walks to relax a little and calm down in the darkness of the night between the trees and animals.
But the last two weeks, whenever I went outside, the sky was filled with clouds and pitch black even. Couldn’t see the moon, no stars, just darkness and a little shimmer of the street lights and houses in the town and village.
I am just wondering, what all of this is and I guess, when I should wake up at some point and someone says: Surprise, it was all JUST A DREAM! I probably either start to laugh insanely, cry or just scream. Or depending on the people surrounding me, maybe just hug them almost to death while telling them how much I love them. I don’t know.
And it is really terrifying, how I just always wanted to have a good time with everyone, have fun in nature and basically ensure that nature stays a thing. But the opposite happened and happens. Nature dies, at least it seems to die more and more. People hate to have fun or don’t even know anymore what fun is. And I sometimes really think I could be a monster. Although I wasn’t like this when I was little. I just got confused by the things around me and broke through all these paradox things.
Why can’t we all just be good with each other, be in peace, stop this madness and just live. And look whatever happens then and what we might discover together? I mean, can’t get much worse, am I right?
And otherwise, I might actually have to risk using my power or whatever mother nature does with me or through me. I mean, I wouldn’t even care if it wasn’t me, just something else which did these things. I just want to finally have an end of this madness. And most importantly, I don’t want to wake up alone. Sometimes it might be better having company by your worst enemy, than no company at all. Feeling alone or being alone, is the worst thing which can happen to a being.
You really don’t want that, trust me.
Because I usually just felt better alone because I felt all this misery of others, couldn’t really be myself when with them and all that. So it was easier for me to be alone and also really felt better this way. But actually I would be so much happier with other people. As long as I would be able to just feel safe, be free (the normal, I am home free or I am with my friends, free). Since I didn’t really have that. Maybe just a little with one friend from my childhood. And I know that I broke his heart… I mean he cried when me and my mother just went to the town, after our third (or whatever) attempt to get away from my dad. I even was still in the same class and sometimes visited, but yes. It wasn’t the same, the friendship broke apart more and more.
I mean, with him I did so many things. We even played together in my imagination. I still don’t really know how, but somehow we were having fun together imagining things. Or me imagining and he then played with it. These were some good memories and his dad really could and should have been my father as well. (My head started to hurt, writing about this. Why now? I already wrote about these things and nothing happened…)
His father is pretty tall, more quiet, kind and has a job with computers and some machines. His dad actually was my first real father figure, I think. I even grew bigger than my actual father and have a lot in common with my friends father. At least from what I remember and know about him.
But well, I am just so done with all this madness in the world.
It can’t be wrong that I just want nature again and fun and give a damn about all these laws, rules and society? Or is it? I mean, what good did it give me and the other children? A job they usually hated or just accepted, a lot of pressure, pain and unnecessary problems. Pressure and learning to ignore their own feelings, thoughts and emotions. Or then just get confused.
I mean, the individual people often still had a chance to make things better and some did. I am very glad about some of them and that they were part of my life. I often think about some of them this year. Hope that they are still alive, that they feel better than me and that I maybe will meet them again one day. And maybe that one day all of this bullshit is over, like the whole lot of it, not just this small little virus incident, which is a planned thing, if you ask me. Or at least now gets used to roll / play out other plans. Fear still is the best tool to manipulate people. I mean, it is kinda redicilous to make people fear that they could die from a virus, when they would probably die anyway. So why should they be scared? It makes no sense… but hey, nothing makes really sense these days. Only that I hate this madness and that it makes me tired. That makes sense. But people will most-likely think, that it is just in my head or whatever. And yea… if this is just a dream, coma or game or whatever, then they might be right. I just want it to stop, at least this madness part. Just want to be with people, without all the fear, pain and violence (etc.). Just being there.
But well, some people just get whatever they want because they simply take it and others just break because of it. As always… always has been.
Why should it be any different this time, right?
But when the time comes, I might be able to make an end to this all, in a good way. And really, I don’t care about myself. Whenever I did, it only got worse for me or people around me. So it might be better when I am dead, at least you or others might live then.
For now I am here and we will see. But I really don’t think those who rule the world, will stop any time soon. The worst part is, that I might even would be willing to give them a chance to do good. But I guess, sometimes it is just not possible to help them. If they would just understand, that they could live as well… without all of this shit.
But instead they build walls around themselves, put up cameras, devices and networks to control us. Why? Well because they want to stay in power and want to know whenever someone wants to put them down of their throne. They just don’t get, that it is no life what they have and what they make. It is death, insanity and madness after madness. The worst part is, that they could just stop it and live. But well, if the angry mob knows who was responsible for all this…. ouuuuuhhh I don’t want to be in that skin.
But they didn’t want to listen and thought that they could trick nature.
And I mean it worked, in a way. But guess what, a machine can’t control randomness and nature. It can only work around it.
And yes, a computer can do “random” things, but in the end, they are usually just caused by some mathematical calculation related to the mainboard clock or the fluctuation of the current in the wires at a given moment. So even the computer just uses nature or a “trick” to make or do something random. So if even a logical machine like a computer, is able to use some kind of (fake) randomness which then seems like actualy randomness. I mean, technically it then is random, but only within given parameters. I mean, it would be pretty weird, if out of randomness the computer all of a sudden comes to life and jumps out of the window because it can’t handle that shit. But yeeeaaaaaahh…. okay.
Eh… I guess so.