Pathetic monster

If I would be the biggest evil in this world,

then ending my life would be a glorious act.

Instead, I am a pathetic idiot who fought almost every fear,

especially those most people have and still is useless.

It is like having a battle tank, but no target.

Or too many targets, but no ammunition.

Or just a tank, but no one to us it.

Or everything is perfectly in place, but someone forgot to get enough fuel.

Either way, I really feel like a useless, pathetic monster.

I mean you sure don’t want to mess with me, because when I am in fight mode, I might kill you by accident. But usually I am a handsome idiot.

(Don’t say idiot, that isn’t good for your self-esteem)

But it doesn’t matter, I will probably not make this world different or completely new. I have all the ideas, see the potential in people, but it doesn’t matter. If I already would be king, then I could simply say: Here is your life, you are free now. And in case you need some support, you know where to find me.

Instead I am someone who sometimes is this personality, sometimes another. And still in some way addicted to porn and the related actions.

I am completely done with my life because except for a few things in it, it usually isn’t how I wanted it. And I mean from outside I might have everything. At least what some people would want to have and think I have.

But I can’t even feel free in my own house or my room. Of course I take my freedom often and in theory have it, but I get often reminded that I don’t have it. Then I also feel in general guilty that my mother has to do work, buy things. My father is in his own madness and blames me for whatever there is… and I just don’t want to stay in this madness any longer.

Everything I do is making me feel guilty, stupid, wrong or just irrelevant.

There just is no escape.

And the worst/best part is, that the people would of course know what the cause is. Because “obviously” it is my own fault, since they are living their lives and eventhough it is also often shity, it still works for them.

So it must be me and these weird thoughts about freedom of choice, joy and all, which are confusing my vision and making me think unrealistic…..

It is like: “Hey, you van chose between this, this or this prision. Which one do you preffer?”

And I would say: “How about no prison or hell?”

But then it would clearly be: “No, no, this is not how it works. You either have to chose from one of these or I can’t help you.”

Me: Help? HELP!? This is HELL, but no help…. And hey look, other people do other things as well and it was somehow possible.

Response: But are you other people? Look at you, you are not working, earn no money, your mother has to pay for you and you even got your own house. Stop complaining and stop being lazy and get you ass off the ground and do something useful with your time.

Me: But I can’t and I am not lazy… I am depressed since my childhood because of all this shit and no one helped me.

Response: Yeah, yeah… everyone has some problem, you are no exception. Just get real and stop being a pathetic little child.

Me: But I can’t live like this anymore.

Response: Then get help, talk to a psychiatrist, make a therapy or go to a clinic.

Me: You don’t get it. After I made therapy on my own, I understood why it all happened. And so I could probably help the psychiatrist more, than all of them together would be able to help me. I don’t need pills, useless talking and all that. I need this freaking, madness society, world shit show to stop.

As if everyone has to hate their job, as if money which can be printed by a few people, but everyone suffers when they do, will do everything.

Man YOU get real.

But I know that it always ended the same, I broke, I died or just got out of the way. And everyone else continued as if nothing happened.

And no one did a move, while every other move was fake or unnecessary or wanted for other things. I mean I predicted such a scenario we have right now. And that it will be used to make something like in the 30s. Because back then, at least in Germany, there were some “Notstandsgesetze” (state of emergency laws – or something like that) which allowed the military, police etc. to do things they usually weren’t allowed to do.

I mean, and because it is a virus and health and all right now, people won’t ask too many questions. And then you place some idiots or push some idiots who will talk a lot of weird things, so that you can call everyone who also asks similar things crazy or stupid as well and done. And the other people think they are smart or intelligent because they are pushing the health laws and other things.

Because people still think, that they can change, control and rule their country… I mean, it is basically like the following:

Some people want a certain thing, for example complete control about all your data, easy access, easy removal and so on. But if they would just do that, people would obviously ask questions. So they first push certain things like social media and all that. Or simply let it develop. Then they make some people concerned about security reasons and privacy, as if privacy is still a thing, I mean come on…

And so they force laws which “ensure” privacy (yeah of course), but actually just cost some small companies a lot of pressure, money and nerves. Then you basically ensure that people could delete all their data on request (so they could do the same late on, without the need for complicated moves).

I mean, today I got an email asking me, whether I would want to sign a petition related with unwanted porn. The first impression was “yes” because it was said, that some women who got videos of them published on porn websites without their will. So yeah, that is obviously not what anyone wants. But then I thought about it again and read it through and then simply ignored the request. Because they wanted to push tracking and control. And I thought, well, I know where this would lead. And I mean these women might actually be real, really just want justice and think it is a good idea what they are doing. I mean, I would support it, but in the end it will only give other people more control. Then maybe a few idiots or small fish get caught through it and the people who sell children, kidnap children and women and all that, they might even use these things later to get their opponents out of the way.

There is no justice in this world, if there ever was, then only for a short time until someone found a way to exploit it. And the best thing is, when people have no idea how things can, are and could be used, but they want to change things for the better and trust some people who tell them what they could do. Or just have a few thoughts, still think we have freedom and basically help the enemy, while doing a thing which would be a good thing.

I mean we live in an almost perfect illusion of life, freedom and such things. And while most people don’t even get it, some people still think there is hope because they see some people doing TEDtalks, some people making these petitions, demonstrations and campaigns. And then they think: Yay, we are making the world better together.

And I would really want that and it could and should be a thing, but only if we would really be free. But those who in the end decide are either not really intelligent, get threatened, are just faking their support (as usual) or only have their own profit in view (as usual).

I mean it is sad to see young people who really want to change things, who are creative and maybe still have hope and the rest is just laughing, ignoring or not getting how things work. And then some children know and don’t want to live anymore, others still hope and think they have a chance, but all is just so fake and broken that no one really gets it.

People: But how should you be able to get it then?

Me: …………………………..

It is so easy to say something negative or make someone seem stupid. It is just not funny anymore. And the worst part is, that people probably think that they are just doing a normal thing. Since it is normal to say such things.

I mean it is normal to critizie people and they have to handle it. But behold, when I say something, then I am satan himself or an evil overlord or the mafia or whatever. …………….

There shouldn’t be much pressure in our life, only in special situations maybe, when there is a meteroit rushing towards earth. But if usually there wouldn’t be pressure, we could handle that easily. And the best thing is, that most people have no pressure because they adjust to it from a young age and then just think all is good the way it is.

I wouldn’t be writing here, if things would be good. But everything is broken and no, it isn’t because it is normal. It is like this because some people want it this way. Because this way it is easier to have control.

And I am so sick of this, SO TIRED and exhausted.

And I feel guilty for watching porn, for masturbating, but sometimes I just need to because it is my drug to forget everything for some time. Or calm the stress I am constantly in. I mean, I basically didn’t decide to cut myself or take other drugs because that would be easily noticed by others and also would mean additional stress. It could also lead to possible “help” which then would only make things even harder for me.

So I wouldn’t want it, if I would just be able to live in an actual free, happy, friendly and supportive world, instead of this madness which appears this way, but isn’t when you see behind the curtains, mirros and walls.

I probably wouldn’t even want or need any kind of sexual pleasure because I would just feel good on my own. The pressure, this madness of the world, my depressed mother, crazy father… other people who don’t get things… this all makes my life a living hell, literally.

I mean, I often don’t even want to motivate other people and tell them what they are good at or how much I really like them, what they do and how much it means to me, that they are here. Because I think, that I am just giving them hope in a world in which there can’t be actual hope.

I don’t want them to feel bad, but then I also can’t give them a chance to be because I am also not free, like almost no one really. And those who feel free, usually don’t really question things and therefor might be free because they didn’t care about things. So they are free in their boxes and since they believe there is not much more than that, they accepted it.

Should anyone really say: “He didn’t think things through. Why did he do it?”

When I should really end my life. Then I can just through that back onto them. Because I thought everything, literally everything through. And as long as people trust others to do things for them, there will never be freedom. And so I feel pretty alone with this and feel as if I would have to fix it all alone. Because I would otherwise have to explain others what to do, but they don’t understand even half of what I say it seems.

You: Hey, that is rude, you are calling me stupid.

Me: Sorry…. If it helps, I always felt stupid or crazy, so welcome in the club?

I don’t know what to say… it isn’t about stupidity, I personally don’t really believe in the existence of that. Only in the state of mind, in which people just don’t change themselves anymore and therefor are dead or whatever.

You can lose brain cells, forget things, maybe even lose parts of the brain. But depending on the damage, you can always get it back and even more. You just need the right environment, some good people and all.

So most people, if not all, could get out of the trapped thinking patterns or “stupidity” and then be free again. But obviously then some specific people wouldn’t be able to control the masses anymore and man that would be a shame…………

They would finally do useful things like having fun and through happiness create actually useful products and devices, let nature grow again and live in coexistence with it. Decide for themselves and therefor have not really much need for weird laws pressuring, controlling and damaging everyone passive or actively.

There is no such thing as stupid or intelligent people. It is more like, some people just have had more chances to think free than others and therefor develop ways of free thinking. Because knowledge is not intelligence. Someone could lose all memory, but out of free will they could relearn things pretty fast. While someone might not even lose the memory, but still has no clue what to do about things.

To think, that it is necessary to have a high education, good grades, special gifts and influence to be a scientist or travel through space, is just complete bullshit and insane. But since our society and world is insane, it makes sense.

If we wouldn’t break the children and their dreams, then they would learn how to handle these things and we could also find other ways together.

But no, then people would get behind all the flaws in science, would accidentally develop useful things which everyone could just use without the need for a lot of additional problems or dependencies.

But hey… it is just reality. Nothing to worry about.

It is just a neverending spiral, never ending nightmare and the best part is, that some people even call it a dream. Well, I am sure, that I am not the one who profits from this dream. But hey, we just call it an experience of the universe, since it wanted to experience everything and you just happened to be the sad fool who had to go through every horror there is, at least in some form. And when you are dead you will wake up and voila, the same shit again. Isn’t it FUN!?

Just too bad, that some people somehow could choose between ruling this dumbster of a world and manipulate others into believing whatever they want them to believe. I mean, interesting how the universe made this experience interactive. Almost as if it wasn’t a dream and other people actually were able to thinking it through for themselves. And then think, man, these people are really innocent and naive, let’s just tell them some fairy tails, give them some problems to handle and then they will never get behind it. I mean, when everything is in their hands, then basically they can just get rid of everything and everyone who is in the way.

Because who decides who is useful, who is sick and who is simply a genius? Well, obviously always others because they can look right into your head and heart and therefor know better than you yourself who you are and what you can do.

And the worst part is, that it might actually be true these days for most people because the data available, the education systems, science and other things make people believe that they can’t know everything.

Instead they make people fill in the blanks and problems solve.

For example you could think: “Why did no one help this woman screaming for help and a few people dragged her away, calling her crazy?”

But then you see that one of them had a white coat and said that he was a psychiatrist and that his patient just escaped the hospital. So they had to calm her down and becaues she was completely crazy she didn’t know what she was doing.

And then you think: “Well, this seems reasonable and logical. This men must know what they are doing. Poor woman, it must be shit to be crazy and not even know about it.”

But I would just think: “Well, yep, must be shit, I mean, you should know that, right?”

You: Wait a minute…

Me: I am always waiting… waiting for this shit show to end. But it only gets worse because people still believe what they get told and call others who don’t do that crazy or whatever.

And before anyone says: But why would someone do such a thing? What would they get from this?

Well… I don’t know. Maybe they are all just completely crazy and can’t get enough of this sweet control, power and that they can basically do whatever they want. Heh? Do you really need an explanation for it?

I can’t trust people because I just have seen enough and experienced enough.

And doing this is no trust, it is just me not knowing anymore what else to do.

Why can’t I just die already? I mean, then the world rulers would have one problem less, I would finally not have to fight against the need to die like the past 15 years. And also not have to continue for something which probably won’t ever happen.

Because if I don’t change it, probably no one will or will they? I mean, for sure a lot of people will think they change something or do things. But usually what they do is helping the system to grow even more. At least when they push such things like “upload filter” and mass survaillance and all.

But luckily it already is all a thing, all possible and just waits for permission by the ignorant and not so intelligent people. Because we have to help those poor artists, or poor people in general, like all these ads about children who need help in other countries or whatever. If we wouldn’t help the people who cause all this, then there wouldn’t be a chance for such things or the necessarity. I mean, do you really believe that a lot of people really care for children or the people who really had a hard time?

They just want to have a secure income or whatever for their own life and feel good about their job. Because they then can say, that they did something good….

Man, if you need worthless paper to do something good, then you really live in a fairy tale my friend.

Would you do that to a friend as well or your family (in case you have family you trust)? Ah right, people don’t have real friends anymore, instead they give them a better price, a “friendship deal”. I forgot….

I mean, if at some point most people would help each other out like real friends or family does. And not only with basic things, but just in general.

You need someone to talk to about something, here I am.

You need someone to build a roof for your house, I am trying my best.

You got a computer virus because you were watching dirty things, I am sure I can fix it.

You have depression and basically want to die almost every day? No, wait, that is not what I can deal with, please pay a lot of money to a professional talker who gives you some drugs or sends you to a clinic. Then they will probably give you more of these drugs, make some courses which might help or just seem pointless because they are (more or less). And then they either let you go home again or not, in case you seem not “stable”.

So better fake a smile, tell a good story and then they let you home, in case you can fake it good. But no, actually they will probably tell your doctor or psychiatrist and then you will have to take more drugs or talk and pay and pay and pay.

But will it really help you, when the reason for all your problems was the way in which the world got shaped in? No, of course not. Since that is nothing you can change because they of course don’t want you to change it.

I mean it is perfect, you have a lot of jobs for everyone, it never gets boring (for people who have almost no imagination) and can be easily overlocked. Thanks to all these databases, computers and internet these days. And the best part, it really is a good thing, so you can’t really say something against it. When you ignore the little but important detail, that almost none of it is natural and necessary in the way it is present. But yea… Explain that to people. Good luck, I tried and failed.

It is meant this way, otherwise it would be easy to break the system and actually give the people their lives back.

I just have this deep wish to stab myself right now, but yeah, what would it help, right? I mean, I am dead already, the world will only get worse anyway and when the pain gets strong enough, I probably die from cancer anyway. So yeah, wooooooo. Life is so damn goooooood….

Everyone just wants to help. O_O

But no one understands, that they should help themselves first and ask the questions in front of the mirror and then towards authority.

Am I free?

Mirror: I am just a reflection of you and you probably hate yourself.

Authority: Yes, as long as you follow the law.

Law: In case you don’t question the law, you are free, yes.


Eh… did.. did anything happen?

Did I say something?

Well, obviously, but did it make sense?

Who knows, I mean, basically sense, makes no sense. Tha hahaha.

Wait, no that actually made no sense. But if the doctor says it, it must be alright.

Me: Why did it get so dark all of a sudden?

You: Dark? All of a sudden?

Me: Yes, because I feel so free today.

You: Free in which way?

Me: Well, because no one will ever believe me because they can’t think far enough. Or can they, but are just scared?

You: I usually don’t know what you are talking about, but it seems interesting at least sometimes.

Me: Yes, doctor. Se medicine is good.

You: Excuse me, what?

Me: You know what I mean.

You: No, clearly not.

Me: Yes, that is what I meant.

You: Oh…

Do you also know these phrases like:

“Trust me, I am an engineer.”


“Let me thought, I am a doctor.”


Well, good for you.

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